Slowly Crumbling
by chimericaldreams
Summary: One tragic night leaves Sam pregnant. Confused and trying to cope, she must depend on those around her to get through the next nine months. Sam-centric. CURRENTLY ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
1. Prolouge: Breakable

**Disclaimer:** I don't own One Tree Hill, or any of its characters.

**Author's Note: **Hi there! I'm new to the OTH fanfic section, but I've been around here for almost a year. I _love _the Sam/Brooke storyline and her developing relationships with the rest of the cast and I hope it develops here. I definitely want to continue this story, but I need you to review and let me know that you'd want to read it!

**Setting: **February 2009

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?  
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.  
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,  
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,  
And our cracking bones make noise,  
And we are just,  
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

-**Ingrid Michaelson**

_At first, it would have been easier if everyone just left me alone._

_I put on the act of being perfectly fine, that everything was running smoothly in my life. But you all know how that one works; trying to make something seem unbreakable only draws out the cracks in it more. _

_I bet Haley would have understood me in the beginning if I'd let her._

_I bet Peyton would have said the things I __**wanted**__ to hear along with the things I __**needed**__ to hear._

_I bet Mia would have been the one to make me laugh when I thought I couldn't._

_And Brooke? God knows she would have moved heaven and Earth just to do something, anything to get me the help I needed but didn't have the ability to ask for. But I didn't let her; I didn't let any of them help me. _

_Let me tell you something, being a teenager is the worst curse of a person's life. It makes things seem blurred and confusing, like your world is spinning so fast and you don't have any control in the matter. You take one wrong step and you're going to fall harder and faster than anyone ever imagined._

_I think that's the only way to describe what happened to me._

_People say that teenagers are irresponsible people who don't think about how their consequences can affect them long after they say that first word or make that first move. But are we? We're no different than anyone else, despite the protests adults may make. They were no less likely to be in the same boat I was, but I guess the fact that I'm only fifteen made it different somehow. I guess they'd like to think it couldn't happen to them._

_But it could, you know. _

_From the first day I knew, I wanted to tell Brooke or Haley or someone. Secrets harbor so much more than just words; they force you to conceal the way you feel and to retrace every step you make so that nothing slips. But I grew up knowing that mistakes yield anger and mistrust that creates a boundary between you and the rest of the world, and then those people leave. Brooke had promised me she wouldn't countless times. And I almost believed her, but almost isn't the same as completely, which was why I withdrew instead._

_I saw her with Julian, moving slowly and cautiously through their budding relationship and I was determined not to wreck it. I watched Peyton in the pits of Luke's movie and wondered what she'd say and how she'd felt only a few months ago, but was too shy to ask. I observed Haley playing a game of hide and seek with Jamie; a girl who could probably __**almost **__sympathize with me more than everyone else._

_But it was only almost, so I shied away._

_Sooner or later though, it was going to be obvious. And I couldn't hide anymore._

_Things in life happen for a reason, at least that it what Brooke continues to tell me; maybe that can explain why I was pregnant in the first place and how I finally lost control._

_Tree Hill was a blessing and a curse all in one package. It brought me both tragic memories and incredible people who didn't seem to faze even in the harshest moments._

_I tried to seem unbreakable, but instead I crumbled. _


	2. 1: The Tunnel

**Disclaimer: **As much as I may wish it, One Tree Hill still does not belong to me 

**Author's Note: **Wow guys, I'm absolutely stunned. 9 reviews 17 story alerts; that's the most I've ever gotten off of a first post. Your motivation spurred a first chapter incredibly quickly. Usually I will post chapters about once a week because I do try to write them at a fairly decent length. But** please **keep the reviews coming, I don't care if it's one simple word but reviews equal motivation for me to write quicker. I'd also like you guys to know I'm somewhat new to the OTH world, I just discovered the show and I've done tons of research, but I want to stick true to the show so I hope any facts I may write are correct. Please tell me if I'm ever mistaken.

**Setting: **January 2009

_I have stayed here asleep too long,_

_Just to hide what felt wrong._

_Told the story just enough,_

_To keep you out of touch._

_Every day now I wonder why_

_I can't control the chaos inside._

_There's gotta be a place to go,_

_Away to be alone._

_If memories won't leave you, you'll have to leave them._

-**Alana Grace**

"Sam! Breakfast!"

If Sam could count on anything in her life, it was that every morning, seven-o-clock sharp, she was going to hear those two words. Tangled in her comforter, Sam narrowly managed to roll over and glance at the clock; as she'd assumed it was seven and it was Monday. Haley would be coming by in 45 minutes to pick her up for school. Groaning, pulled the covers over her head, retreating beneath them.

Outside at the counter, Brooke rubbed her temples to suppress an oncoming headache. Didn't she have enough to do already? "Samantha! I swear to God, you can't make this easy on me just _once?_"

From her bedroom, Sam remained buried beneath the blankets praying that she could have a reprieve just once. _Just stay quiet, do nothing, maybe she'll leave me alone._ Of course, she was pretty much guaranteed that this was not happening, not in the slightest. A minute later she heard a loud knock on the door.

"Sam?" Brooke asked, her voice had gone down a few noise levels, but she still sounded angry.

Once again, Sam didn't answer, but Brooke wasn't going away. She opened the door slowly, light pouring into the bedroom and leaking onto Sam's bed. The shades were drawn, which made it more difficult to find Sam huddled in a ball in the middle of the bed. When she did, Brooke sat at the edge of the bed, lingering a few moments before finally opening her mouth to speak.

"Sam, you have to get up," she said gently, hoping to evade an argument.

"No," came the muffled reply from under the sheets.

"Will you at least come out from under your comforter?" Brooke asked, looking for a compromise. Sure enough, Sam peeked out a minute later and Brooke couldn't help but laugh at her bed head look. "Was that so difficult? Now let's try the rest of you." Sam shook her head and was ready to burrow back down again but Brooke's stern words stopped her, "Don't you dare."

"I don't feel good," she moaned. "I don't think I could make it through a day of school if I tried."

Brooke rolled her eyes; she'd used that excuse a hundred times during high school and had rarely gotten away with it. Pressing her hand to Sam's forehead, she wasn't surprised by the fact that she wasn't warm. "A severe case of exhaustion doesn't qualify as a reason to stay home from school."

"But I _really _don't feel good, Brooke," Sam protested, "why does it matter if I have a fever or not? I could just as easily be sick and wouldn't you rather I be home then?"

Unfortunately, her attempts failed, Brooke was adamant. "Look, I have to meet Julian at the store in an hour. So you're going to get up, eat some breakfast and be ready when Haley is ready to take you or you're going to make all three of us late. Got me?" Sam nodded. "Good." She stood up and headed back towards the kitchen.

"Just because you want to go have a make-out session with Julian I have to suffer," Sam muttered under her breath.

"I heard that!"

Still, the minute Brooke left, Sam fell back into bed and lingered an extra ten minutes before finally throwing the covers aside and pulling herself up and out of bed.

She peeled her tank top off and replaced it with a black long-sleeved v-neck shirt and a white cami underneath it. Slowly, she stepped into a pair of dark denim jeans and her sneakers, but the pounding migraine caused Sam another few minutes sitting down. But the time she was fully dressed and had brushed her hair and done her makeup, it'd been another twenty minutes.

Haley was chatting in the kitchen with Brooke when Sam finally emerged from her bedroom, her eyes still filled with exhaustion. "Ah, she rises," Haley laughed and Sam gave her a weak smile in return. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Sam replied, seating herself at the counter and staring at the pancakes placed in front of her.

"They're probably cold now," Brooke reminded her, "seeing as it took you forever to get out here." She looked at Haley, "Sam tried to convince me that she was too sick to go to school."

Haley raised her eyebrows. "Might that have anything to do with your English test on The Great Gatsby?"

Sam dropped the fork she'd just picked up, "Shit!" she cursed, just now remembering.

"Hmm, well I guess not," Haley replied back as Brooke shot Sam a warning look for her language.

"Yeah well she didn't get away with it either way," Brooke resolved. "Right Sam?"

But Sam, who had just shoved a mouthful of pancakes into her mouth and swallowed, didn't answer. She jumped up from her seat and ran for the bathroom, immediately vomiting it back up. Along with the headache, she felt more like crap than she had previously, and had just risen to her feet when she felt the need to puke again.

Brooke, hearing this a few rooms over, stared at Haley with immediate regret and concern. "Maybe she isn't so healthy after all."

"Nah," Haley waved her statement off, winking. "Must just be your cooking."

***

Haley had Sam second period. She sat in the back of the classroom and pretended that they were not affiliated most of the time. But there were times that Sam surprised her; like the first essay she'd read of Sam's after Quinten had died or the time she'd been struggling through a poetry assignment and finally asked Haley for help.

The two of them shared a mutual understand that their outside lives would not reflect how Haley graded or dealt with Sam during English.

Despite what one might believe, Sam was probably one of the brightest students in her class. She had a remarkable ability with writing and when Haley and Brooke had pushed her to actually study, she'd easily begun acing the tests. It had shocked Haley to discover she and Sam had anything in common.

As the students filed into her classroom second period, Haley frowned. Sam tried to hide it, but she was looking paler than she had earlier that morning. They locked eyes for a moment, but Sam instantly looked away and headed towards a friend of hers. Haley felt a pang of worry run through her; Brooke had relented the minute Sam had returned from the bathroom that morning but as she and Haley had both been on their way out Sam had come running to the car, insisted she suddenly felt better. With some hesitation, she'd driven Sam to school.

But obviously that hadn't been a smart move.

When the bell rang, she watched Sam nearly fall in her seat and sent her a look to alert her that she was watching her. Sam only lowered her eyes in return.

Grabbing the stack of tests from her desk, Haley turned to face her class. "All right, you know the drill. Multiple choice, matching, and short answers. But please, this time make sure you write in complete sentences, you guys are sophomores, it's time to start acting like it."

She handed them out one by one just so she could place a hand inconspicuously on Sam's shoulder as she dropped a test on her desk. Sam looked up at her, smiled and tried her hardest to look together, but failed.

Haley designed her tests to take the majority of the period so she could catch up on other work but her higher-scoring students, like Sam, usually finished sometime between twenty and twenty-five minutes into it. Not able to help herself, she watched Sam take the test with her head down on her desk and stopped once or twice to close her eyes.

When Sam staggered up to Haley's desk to hand her test in, Haley finally spoke up. "Go to the nurse and lie down," Haley told her and when Sam opened her mouth in protest she was cut off, "It's not a suggestion. Go."

Conceding, Sam turned around and left the classroom. But she couldn't help but notice how Haley's motherly tone sounded so much like Brooke's.

***

Julian hated that Brooke was late. It meant that it was going to be longer before he could see her in all her stunning beauty. She'd have told him to stop being so corny, but he meant it when he said it.

He'd let himself into the boutique with the key she'd provided him with and was staring at some of the designs for the movie she'd created. According to the tale in Luke's book and stories Brooke had told him, they looked all but real. She had a real talent for what she did.

A small doorway bell rang, signaling her entrance. "Hi, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Brooke apologized and she tore through the room and threw her files on the counter. He grabbed her and pulled her into a kiss the minute her hands were free and when he was satisfied she pulled away. "All right then, I think that's the best welcome I've ever gotten."

He smiled, his irresistible grin that Brooke both hated and couldn't get enough of all at once. "Saying hello is so overrated," he replied casually. "Besides, I was beginning to think you stood me up."

"At my own store? I'd have to be pretty cruel for that," she smiled back. "Sam came down with some case of the flu and I'd just gotten her settled on the couch and such when she came running outside feeling better." She rolled her eyes, "teenagers."

He shrugged, "well having her around is the epitome of how you can design your clothes for the movie."

"That would only work if every girl dressed in dark, dismal colors all the time," she joked. Truth was, Sam had stopped wearing as much black and heavy makeup as she had when Brooke first met her. It was a sign of change, Brooke hoped, to see the lighter side of Sam. But it was still fun to joke about every once and awhile.

He returned her an award-winning smile at her joke, the kind that gave her the temptations she'd once had in high school. "Well we may as well get on with what needs to be done."

"Yeah," Brooke turned her back to grab a handful of sketches and present them to the man she was technically working for, even though she was always working him. "I've got a couple of planned—" the drawing were forgotten because when she rotated to face him, he grabbed her in another passionate kiss and the drafts for the movie fell to the floor. She wasn't even surprised really; they had a lot of trouble focusing on the work that needed to be done with so much chemistry looming around them. "You didn't ask me to come here to work on the movie, did you?" she inquired when he stopped kissing her.

Julian gazed at her sheepishly. "No, not really."

***

_She screamed for him to get off of her but it was as if she was speaking at him instead of to him. Jack was gone, he couldn't do anything for her now. Why had she opened her big mouth in the first place._

_"You're going to regret the day you got involved in someone else's business, bitch," he taunted, unbuttoning her pants. Sam could feel them sliding off of her and she wished for someone to come and save her, she didn't want this, but she began to feel like she deserved it for all the problems she caused._

_Still, Sam was afraid for her life. "Please…don't," she begged through struggling._

_"There's no rich bitch here to protect you now," he seethed, pushing down on top of her harder. Oh, where was Jack when she really needed him? Why didn't he come back for her? "You're screwed." _

_And really, she was._

Sam squirmed on the nurse's makeshift bed, her arms clutched around her stomach and tears escaping her eyes which were squeezed shut at the memories, or rather nightmares, she was reliving. "No, no…" she whispered.

Haley lingered in the doorway for a moment and when she'd become increasingly worried she finally approached Sam, shaking her lightly to wake her. "Sam? Sweetie, wake up." She called to Sam, who finally awoke with a gasp, "It's okay, it's just Haley."

Sam sat up and for once she was so miserable that when Haley offered comfort, she allowed herself to receive it. Sitting next to Sam on the couch, Haley wrapped one arm around her and was stunned when Sam leaned on her shoulder. "I thought it was Ms. James Scott in school," she joked, but it didn't erase the tears that they were both aware were creeping down Sam's cheeks.

Ignoring Sam's attempt to go off on tangent, Haley tried to get through. "What was going on in that nightmare of yours that I'm sure you were going to try to convince me didn't happen? Are you really as all right as you're attempting to pull off?"

The answer was no, they both knew that.

"Oh," she laughed stiffly, "I was just dreaming that Brooke dumped Julian because she was having some secret affair with Peyton. It messed everything up with Luke too. You don't know what a horror that was!"

Haley wasn't laughing. "You really expect me to believe that?"

Sam matched her look, "You've seen them together, I'd believe it." Feeling a little stronger now, she pulled back from the security of Haley's hold and began to stand up. "All right, dude, I'm gonna go find something worthwhile to do with the rest of my day."

In a second, Haley was blocking her path. "Don't think so, dude." Sam stopped and stared at her, clearly confused. "A second ago you were white as a ghost and looked just about ready to pass out. I don't want to take the chance of that happening again. It's your free period and mine, just let me take you home."

"Haley…" Sam trailed off when the pressure began to drill through her head again. She raised her hand over her eyes as if to shield herself from the blow and dropped down onto the couch, relinquishing herself. "Okay, fine you win," she agreed. "I'll go home. I'll do anything to make all of this go away."

Feeling reassured, Haley smiled at her. "You'll thank yourself for it later."

But Haley didn't know that what Sam was trying to get away from was not just the physical pain, but the mental torture as well. The memories Sam refused to admit because then they'd become real.

***

Brooke and Julian were in the middle of another intense make-out session. Okay, so Sam had been right about the reason she wanted to go to work. But Sam wasn't here now; she didn't need to know that.

Julian wrapped his arms around her waist. "So…about the work we're supposed to be doing."

"Oh this is work," Brooke reminded him, "I'm re-enacting a typical day at Tree Hill High."

"Mmm, I wish I'd transferred to your school."

The sensation of his lips on hers was like electricity, a spark that sent jolts of happiness and excitement radiating through her body. She'd been so reluctant to overdo it with him, so afraid that the minute she'd thought there was anything there Julian would be gone before she could blink, but in the end he'd won her over, because he was still here.

And it didn't hurt that he was great with Sam, a rarity that she rarely saw among anyone.

Of course, when she thought of Sam, she glanced at the clock. It was already after almost 2, where had the time gone? Brooke thought of the amazing man she was kissing and it was quite obvious where the time had gone.

"Ohh, okay," she began, ending things before she ended up without her clothes. "As much as I'm _enjoying _this I think it's time I go home and check on Sam."

His brow furrowed, "she won't be home from school for another hour."

"I know," Brooke admitted, kissing his neck, "but she is sick and if I want to be a good mother I should whip up something to take her mind off of the illness for when she gets home. It'll be a nice surprise"

"Who are you, Brooke Davis or Betty Crocker?"

"I have many aliases, you'll never really know," she winked, walking around to the other side of the counter and grabbing her purse. She surveyed the area at the half-done sketches, the materials she'd gathered and had hoped to began working on but had been thwarted when she'd seen Julian standing there, as devilishly charming as she was. "Besides, like you said, we haven't gotten much work done. Maybe I can rectify that at home."

She gave him one final lasting kiss as she strolled by him. Feeling lighter than air, she headed out the door and home to her daughter. Who knew life could be so sweet?

"You know, a good mom knows how to have a little fun too!" he called after her from the doorway of the store, watching her gorgeous figure disappear down the concrete.

Just barely hearing him, she turned around to scream back, "Who says I'm not?" And then was out of sight.

It left him standing there, in awe of how lucky he'd gotten this time.

***

The memories came flooding back more often than they should have, and Sam tried to suppress them but it didn't always work. If Brooke caught her staring into space an extra second longer than she should have Sam would make a joke to excuse herself. That's what she'd done with Haley this morning and Julian a few days ago when he'd noticed that she was overly jumpy. It worked, or at least enough so that they didn't bother her for awhile, even if their suspicions weren't completely smothered.

Haley had dropped her off hours ago. Since then, Sam had found ways to make the hours dwindle by. She'd slept, watched TV, tried to write something just to let her mind renounce itself through the ink on the page, but curiosity had still gotten the best of her.

Curiosity had been what had forced her to surrender herself to the hells of school this morning, through a good friend of hers named Hannah.

Hannah, whose mother let her roam free around Tree Hill as if there weren't a single thing to fret over, came and went as she pleased much like Sam once had. She could have sailed to Egypt and back before her mother would have noticed or cared about her absence, so it wasn't difficult to request a personal favor of her. And Hannah bought what Sam had wanted, no questions asked, but that meant going to school to retrieve it. Just after she'd lied down on the couch and Brooke and Haley were out the door, her phone had buzzed.

'Got wht u asked 4' the small text splayed out across the screen. So she hadn't really had any other choice besides school. Sam had found time before homeroom for Hannah to discreetly slip her the box, so she was secretly thankful that Haley had forced her to go home.

Now she could take the pregnancy test without Brooke ever knowing.

Sam crept quietly to the bathroom, although she had no one to hide from. She'd destroyed the box the test had came in, ripped it to pieces and buried them in her garbage. Every precaution was taken so that she wouldn't be found out, but Sam had to know if what she was beginning to suspect was really the truth.

She followed the instructions, peed on the stick and waited for an eternity.

Was this really possible?

When the results were there, they were clear. It wasn't a mistake what she was reading, but it was also the biggest mistake she'd ever made. On the floor of the bathroom, because her legs were too much of jello to even stand, she curled into a ball and sobbed like her life depending on it. There was no taking any of it back now, it was all real and ready or not, she was forced to deal with her past.

Sam wasn't sure what made her hear the sound of Brooke's footsteps, but that barely audible click of her heels was enough to shock Sam back into the present long enough to hide the stick in the pocket of her jeans.

And Brooke found her there, looking no older than seven or eight years old, a complete wreck.

"Sam?" she asked, completely bewildered. "What are you doing home?" It was as if she were talking to a wall, because her questions bounced right back off Sam and came back to her. "What happened, honey?" She squatted down to her daughter's level and wrapped Sam in her arms so tightly if not just to make herself feel more secure. She had no clue what was wrong, but Brooke could feel Sam shattering in her hold and all she wanted to do was make that pain stop. "Ssh, it's okay. I'm here now, I'm here. You're okay."

But she wasn't, Sam was positive about that now.

Positive, she had been raped by Jack's brother.

Positive, she was pregnant.

Positive, she was not okay and never would be again.

**Well, what'd you think? Suggestions? Leave a review!**


	3. 2: Rain

**Disclaimer: **Dang, I thought One Tree Hill would have belonged to me by now. Maybe next time…

**Author's Note: **I'm blown away by all your support, it means so much to me and that's why this chapter is here early! I hope I can keep writing like this so that my chapters are posted less than a week apart. I know exactly what's coming in the next few chapters but I still haven't mapped the story out completely so your reviews really help. They keep me very motivated. Delving into Sam's past here was an interesting feat so I hope it's enjoyed: if you're confused, there will be more explanations about how who she was is affecting the choices she will make now. This is a very Brooke/Sam centric scene with a little Peyton and Julian thrown in. You'll see a little more action soon. I hope you enjoy!

**Setting: **January 2009

Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep  
You think that you're gonna drown  
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep  
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now  
Rows and rows of big dark clouds  
But I'm holding on underneath this shroud  
Rain

**-Patti Griffin**

Sam cried for 24 minutes straight, not that Brooke was counting. She'd tried every soothing measure her mind could come up with to calm her daughter but had been success with nothing except helping her daughter stand and walk to the living room couch. Once they reached that, her legs had folded from under her again and Brooke was right back where she'd started, clueless.

"Come on Sam, what's wrong? I want to help you, I really really do," Brooke told her genuinely. "What are you doing home now, anyway? Last I saw you were getting in Haley's car. Did you get sick again?"

Sam knew what Brooke meant: had she thrown up since that morning? She realized then that she had an out for why she'd been in the bathroom in the first place now; Brooke had given her an excuse without even meaning to. Finally regaining some state of composure, she swallowed the lump in her throat and looked at Brooke, nodding. "Haley drove me home after her class because she thought I was going to pass out."

Brooke rubbed Sam's back as she listened, and wondered if Haley was even aloud to do this, considering she wasn't technically Sam's legal guardian. But that was Haley, always doing what was best despite what the rules may have said.

"I feel so sick, everything went black in the bathroom, and I just want it to stop. Now."

"Oh, honey then why did you go to school in the first place?"

"I…I don't know," Sam lied, "I felt better then I guess. But I don't now."

If she'd been stupid, Brooke wouldn't have figured out immediately that there was more to Sam's meltdown than just feeling miserable. If she'd been stupid, she wouldn't have filed away what Sam had told her so that she could consult Haley about it later. If she'd been stupid, she would have pressed for more information right then and there. But Brooke wasn't stupid; so she left it for now, aware that Sam wasn't going to confide in her right away, it was going to take some time.

She watched the hollow look in her daughter's eyes and wondered what could possibly have changed so suddenly for her to fall apart. "I'll tell you what," she began, hoping that if she perked up maybe it would be contagious and Sam would too. "I won't be a pestering mother and I'll let you rest for the rest of the day and even skip school tomorrow, but you have to eat something first. Because you only had a spoonful this morning and that's not good."

Sam wasn't hungry and she figured it would probably only make her feel worse, but she didn't have the heart to tell Brooke who was making an extreme attempt to be the cool but forceful mother.

She'd struck gold with Brooke there. But would it last if she knew the truth about why Sam was sick?

"Fine," she finally agreed. "But if it's like those cookies you tried to give me when I first moved in, I'm calling DYFS myself to report you for poisoning your foster child." _Here I go again with the jokes, _she thought.

"Oh, there's a shop class car with your name on it," Brooke played along, smirking. Sometimes Sam was funny even though Brooke hated to admit it. "Cant you hear it calling you?"

"I have selective hearing."

"Yeah, that would have been hard to guess." They both shared a smile and for a moment it was as if everything was normal and Sam wasn't lying on the couch grimacing at her headache and nausea. "Fine," Brooke gave in, "no cookies. Just you wait; I'll find exactly what you're craving and you'll love it."

She turned around and headed for the kitchen, only to stop at the sound of Sam calling for her again. "Brooke?" It was almost inaudible Brooke was surprised she hadn't missed it. Glancing back, Sam stared at her with a hint of gratitude and something else Brooke couldn't read in her eyes. "Thanks."

Sam switched on the TV after Brooke had begun in the kitchen but the voices of _Grey's Anatomy_ were no more than background noise as she ran her ran around the rim of the pregnancy test still concealed safely in her pocket. She was out of the woods for now, but there was still the matter of what she was going to do now.

***

When the doorbell rang, there were only a number of possibilities it could be. Brooke was in her room trying to work on anything for the movie, so Sam groaned and pushed herself to her feet. Reaching for the doorknob, she wasn't too stunned to find Julian standing there, waiting to be invited in.

She raised an eyebrow at him. He'd been coming over way too often the past few weeks randomly. "I'm sorry, but do you have some sort of attraction to our house?" she rotated her head in the direction of Brooke's room, "or just a certain occupant of it?"

He returned her smug look with one of his own. "Well well, nice to see you too Sammy. But no need to worry, I come bearing gifts." He held up a bag from the diner she was frequent at. "Chicken soul for the soul."

"You're going to have to get one of those first, Julian," she laughed, snatching the bag from him and taking it back towards the couch. "Brooke! Your not-so-secret lover is here," she called, sitting down and digging in.

"Right," Julian replied nonchalantly. He always had his work cut out for himself with Sam.

Brooke emerged from the bedroom with a curious look plastered on her face, "And here I thought I'd gotten rid of you for the day." She laughed and kissed him hello, "to what do I owe this lovely visit?"

"I think I'm going to be sick_er_," Sam muttered, burying her head under a pillow.

"Hey Sammy, chill, I brought you soup. That means I get one visit free of sarcastic comments," he kidded with her. _Oh, is that how it works? _She rolled her eyes and let another spoonful slide down her throat; how had he known this was what she'd been craving? Sometimes even Julian could come through for her.

Brooke did a double take. "Wait, you brought her soup? And here I thought I was going to make Sam a delicious meal," she tried to smother the grateful grin.

"Yeah, that's definitely what you were doing from your _bedroom_," Sam chimed in, clearly enjoying the charade she was participating in.

"Okay," Brooke admitted, "I got a little distracted. But still, you're making me look bad here Julian."

"Oh, I'm sorry, that's definitely not the angle I was going for," he said somewhat lovingly. Sam moaned again from the couch as if trying to remind them that she was within an earshot and could hear what they were doing. They both ignored her and continued fooling around.

Still, Sam peeked over the couch and watched. This was supposed to be what got people pregnant, actual love that made people want to be together. Not some psychopath who could only score one by force. It disgusted her.

She didn't want to wreck the blossoming relationship Brooke had with Julian. Brooke had literally saved Sam from herself and the world around her. It was time she repay the favor and save her from the truth; the less distractions going on in her life the more she could concentrate on being happy with Julian and everyone else.

And then she'd be less likely to leave Sam's life.

Because no one left when they were happy.

Right?

Julian left not too long after, ruffling her hair like he always did when he passed by her. "See ya Sammy," he'd say and then the door would be closing behind him. He must have thought she was only five in that sense because that nickname and behavior had stuck since the first time he'd done it.

Secretly though, Sam kind of liked it. It showed his genuine care for her, not just to get to Brooke but for her.

Julian's visit had also served as a clear reminder of why her pregnancy had to stay a secret, before it could hurt anyone else besides herself. So she'd put on the act until everyone, including herself, believed she was okay.

"Not a bad catch is he?" Sam asked when Brooke sat down next to her with a spoon and plunged it into the halfway eaten container of soup.

"No," Brooke said and she pulled Sam close to her in comfort. "He's not."

***

"So are you saying you called me to tell me Sam was hiding something? Because that's never been out of the ordinary, Brooke."

Peyton twirled the cord of the phone around her finger and couldn't help but smile. She saw so many mirrored traits in Sam that had been present in Brooke when they were teenagers. Sometimes Peyton wondered if the stars had aligned just right the day Sam had walked into Brooke's store for the first time, as if they were meant for each other's company. If Sam pushed, Brooke pushed back. When Brooke yelled, Sam could retaliate louder. She'd seen enough banter between Brooke and Sam to know when a relationship was right.

Here, it definitely was.

About ten minutes ago, Peyton had received a call. It was late and she'd cursed into the phone at whomever had the gall to wake a sleeping pregnant woman. But Brooke sounded so distressed the anger had drained from Peyton immediately. "What's going on with Sam this time?" she had inquired without Brooke needing to say anything.

Now, Peyton was curious if Brooke was looking for something to be wrong or if Sam really did have something going on that she wasn't looking to share.

"I don't know what I called to say. I guess I'm asking for help Peyton, because something is very wrong here and she's not confiding in me. I don't know what it's going to take and I don't want this to end up like last time." By last time, Brooke was talking about Xavier, but neither of them had the courage to say that.

Considering what she knew about Brooke and herself as teenagers, Peyton drew her advice from that. "Well, just give it a little time then. She knows you love her and that you care, but I think some part of her is still waiting for something to happen that'll make you leave. You know how teenagers were, how_ you_ were."

If Brooke was going to be honest, she knew that in that sense Peyton was right. She and Sam both hid their guilt or anger or hurt through rebelling and breaking the rules until suddenly it all came spilling out in the wrong moment. Brooke wanted things to be different for Sam though, because Sam had her when Brooke hadn't had anyone to be her rock as much as she wished for one.

Actually, she'd had Karen and Karen had made her a better person. So in that sense history was just repeating itself, calling out to Brooke to do the same. "But I want to help _her_ now, Peyton, not next week or next month or however long it takes for her to finally trust me."

She was almost sure she could feel Peyton smiling on the other end. "If you tend to the small cuts and scrapes now, when something major comes along you'll be more than prepared. You can't fix it all at once, Brooke."

How had Peyton become so full of wisdom? "You know what, P. Sawyer, I think you have something there."

"Do I?" she asked and Brooke could detect the pride in her voice. "Well, I'm glad, B. Davis. I'm glad."

"You're gonna make a great mom," Brooke told her as she stared at a picture of them from only a few months ago and then imagined only a few months in the future, where Peyton's stomach would already be evidence of what was soon to come. "Maybe_ you _could stop by and see her tomorrow and put your motherly skills to use while I'm at work. Who knows, she might say something to you she hasn't told me."

"Well, I wouldn't count on that, but sure I'd love to stop by and see her," Peyton replied excitedly. "I have to get her back for telling Julian I was pregnant anyway." Both of them chuckled. Sam hadn't meant to drop the bomb that Peyton was with child; Peyton had seen that the minute the words had tumbled from her mouth Sam was searching for a way to collect them back. But it was still funny and she'd tease Sam about it probably forever.

Brooke glanced towards the closed door to Sam's room and thought about what her daughter was dreaming on the other side of it. "Good idea, and throw in a comment about the wedding dress too just for the laughs."

"You'd better go warn her I'm coming," Peyton giggled.

"Oh, she's sleeping like a baby now," Brooke laughed. "The one good thing about all this little sickness, it knocked her out half an hour ago and I haven't heard a word from her since. At least that's one time I don't have to worry, nothing can hurt her in her sleep."

***

Bundled up in blankets, Sam tossed and turned persistently. She'd made the pursuit to sleep for even just a few minutes. With the pregnancy on her mind and a headache blooming, sleep wasn't coming easily.

Well, Sam had fallen asleep but now she was probably wishing she hadn't.

A little girl's laughter is to some people the cutest thing the world, but for Sam this certain little girl's laughter was torture. She was trapped within the confines of her mind, forced to re-experience a painful incident in her history. The laughter, it rang loud, opened up doors that had been shut and sealed for years, some that contained gruesome memories. It dug up secrets that had been buried deep into the earth, never to be exposed.

And worst of all, it tore Sam to pieces.

Ironically, this was the sound of _her_ laughter.

In reality, she was alone in her bedroom, but in Sam's head there was so much more than what the naked eye could see. She was dreaming, but this dream was terror. No matter what, her brain wouldn't permit her to arouse from her sleep, she was going to be impelled to remember, impelled to suffer.

Sam was riding her rollercoaster life, as dangerous as it was. So back in time she went.

_Rain splattered on the window pane, and thunder bellowed in the sky of a dark and stormy night. Yet some giggling concealed the terror, sucking away the scary factor; at least for now. Samantha Walker, the tender age of eight years old, was creeping cautiously through the dreary hallway, waiting. Not even the rain could spoil her fun and she flipped her brown hair behind her and beckoned for her sister to accompany her. "Come on Jenna!" she whispered. "Everyone else is asleep, they're never gonna know." _

_Jennifer Walker's eyes peeked over from behind a corner. She brushed her bangs away, looking hesitantly at Sam. "What if Mommy and Daddy hear us?" she asked timidly, "What happens then?"_

_"They're _not _Mommy and Daddy, Jenna. They don't tuck us in, or buy us presents or even know our names. So they're not gonna notice if we're not in bed. Just stop being a baby and come on." _

_Jenna trusted her sister, so she followed her down the hallway. Tripping on one of the toys the younger kids had brought with them, Jenna nearly fell and blew their cover but Sam saved her just in time. _

_"Careful, you klutz," Sam hissed._

_"Sorry," Jenna pouted back._

_It was a strange thing, but no matter how much trouble Sam managed to get the two of them in, Jenna always believed in her sister's judgment. Maybe it was that she was three years Jenna's senior. Maybe she loved Sam too much to notice the flaws. Maybe it was obligation. Either way, she stuck like g-lue to Sam as they crept towards the murmuring that had been heard in the kitchen. Samantha, always the Curious George, was up for the challenge of seeing what was going on. Jenna, more suited to the Cowardly Lion, looked every which way as if something were going to be jumping from the shadows and capturing her any minute._

_"I'm…I'm sorry sir," they heard the teenage voice squeak from another room._

_"I always knew you'd never amount to anything, from that first day they dumped you on our doorstep."_

_So they were awake, the monsters the foster agency had placed her and Jenna with. The man that Jenna sometimes mistakenly called Daddy was scarier than the boogie monsters she'd insisted her real father check under the bed for. The other one, the so-called mother, was no smarter than a bobble-head that moved only at the will of her foster father, nodding it's head in agreement with a complete inability to make it's own choices. _

_She didn't know either of their names, why should she have bother when they housed so many children that it was impossible for them to memorize their foster children's names let alone their favorite color or animal? Deep down, Sam knew the only reason the state had placed them here was to make themselves feel better so that they could say: _You have a roof over your head; think about all the other orphans who don't even have that. Feel lucky.

_Well, she didn't. Sam and Jenna had only been in this home for 4 days now and already they were drawing up the plans of their escape. _

_She leaned in to listen for just a second longer. "You slut, you tell anyone about this and we can have the rug pulled out from under your pretty little feet so quickly you won't have time to blink."_

_Sam would learn later that Alina, one of the teenagers that lived with her, was pregnant. She was sixteen with auburn tasseled hair that highlighted the gorgeous features on her face. It didn't take long for their foster father to tear her down until the girl Sam had thought could be a princess was no more than Cinderella before the ball._

_It would take her years to realize that Alina had pregnant because their foster father sexually abused her every night, that the reason she'd eventually come to lose the baby is because of the impact of his fists._

_But the only thing Sam officially learned that rainy night was that when it rained, it poured. When she was discovered, she pushed Jenna away, telling her to hide in any room because they wouldn't remember her the second her face was coated in shadows. He asked her what she was doing up and didn't even wait for the answer before she found her body being shoved into the wall and going limp. Alina, thankful the spotlight was off her, headed for a hiding place. Sam didn't blame her; it was every man for himself now._

_It went on for 11 minutes; Sam knew because she'd watched the clock as a distraction, counting down until it was over, though she really had no clue when she'd finally be free._

_She crawled back into her bedroom, her whole body aching and pounding. She seemed to be reeking of alcohol even though it'd just been the man's fists that had touched her. What she didn't know then was that this first stench of betrayal would stay with her forever. Feeling broken, she climbed into bed and sobbed. Sam had heard about homes like these but had never in a million years expected to be the victim. It hurt._

_When the door lurched open, she hid under the blankets to feign sleep. But it wasn't who she'd been expecting, it was the monster's wife. Was she coming to take her back for round two?_

_Imagine Sam's surprise when the woman cuddled Sam in her arms and held her close to console her._

_"It's all right Katie," the woman soothed, stroking her hair as if that could erase all of the bruises that were bubbling under her skin, just waiting for the right moment to rise to the surface. "He didn't mean it."_

_In that moment, Sam let this woman who was practically a stranger comfort her and try to say all of the right things. She allowed this woman to call her the wrong name and tell her lies over and over, hoping that maybe if she believed it hard enough, thins would be okay. She could put on that mask and shed her skin from this life like a snake would to start a better one with real people that _did_ care about her. Not these monsters._

She woke with a start, shooting up in bed and rolling her sleeves up in search of the bruises that had faded years ago. The room she was in was still her own, she was still in Brooke's house. And it wasn't raining outside, was it? No, Sam would have heard that. Now trembling, she shook so hard Sam began to wonder if this baby was giving her the chills or a fever. _That's not even a symptom of pregnancy Sam, chill,_ she told herself in an endeavor to calm down, but failed.

Brooke might still be up now, Sam knew. It was only quarter after eleven. But if she did take that chance, it might cost her more than she was willing to give. Brooke would pry for information and if by chance the truth spilled from Sam's lips before it could be stopped, neither one of them would handle it well.

This had to stay a secret.

The first time Sam was beaten had hurt the most, after that she learned to internalize and harden her outer shell to keep from getting hurt. What happened with Xavier, she was beginning to believe had been a long time coming. Was this karma after sneaking up on her foster father and Alina that night? Maybe she did deserve it. "I am a slut," Sam finally said aloud as if this were confirmation enough for her. "I am a whore and I don't deserve Brooke."

Now, thinking about it, she realized how much she and Alina were living the same reality, innocence slashed by the true terrors of life. How could something so terrible create new life? It was sick; it made no sense.

Sam wanted to scream until her voice was nothing more than empty. "Fuck it," she muttered because what if Xavier _was _another form of the man who'd once terrorized her and Alina as a child. Couldn't Brooke be that woman who'd come in when she'd least expected it to try and save her?

Too tired to think anymore, Sam let go of all her thoughts and screamed.

***

"I am _not _going to tell you all the juicy details about what's going on with Julian and I, Peyton!" Brooke cried, although she was in a fit of laughter as she said this. "Especially not when you've slept with him too!"

"Well then I'll tell you about Lucas," she replied offhandedly, "we can compare notes!"

"Pregnancy must make you loopy because I cannot believe you just said that."

There was nothing but laughter for some time as both of them were laughing so hard it was impossible to form a word let alone a sentence. A mutual relief hung between them that they could joke over what had once been such a risky conversation as if the past had never even mattered.

"So speaking of men, how is Lu—" Brooke was interrupted by a more dominant voice.

"Brooke!!!!"

In that moment Brooke was suddenly aware of how loud she'd been being, had she woken Sam up? "Peyton, I've gotta go," she said even though by that point the phone had already been hung up and she was right outside of Sam's door.

Adjusting her eyes to the darkness, Brooke immediately found Sam, wilted like a flower in the middle of the bed. "Brooke," she said only this time quieter and the prior urgency in her voice replaced by bareness.

Clearly, the only reason Sam let Brooke climb into bed beside her was because she was too sleep-deprived to recognize her own begging for consolation. Brooke pretty much assumed all of this but was grateful because it meant another chance at trying to discover the root of this problem. Surely Sam couldn't get away with this much longer, it would rip her to shreds until there was nothing left.

Brooke ran her hand over Sam's quivering form, hoping that it was reaching whatever problems she was facing. She wondered if Sam even realized that she was crying now. "Ssh," she whispered, "it's going to get better." Words couldn't convey how much she loved this girl, and she refused to give up until Sam finally confided her. If that meant smothering Sam with love until she grew sick of Brooke's nagging, so be it.

She loved being a mother, she loved Sam, and nothing was going to get in the way of that.

Not even this secret would burn a hole between them.

**So, what'd ya think? Are you satisfied? If yes, leave me a review! If no…leave me a review anyway. I love suggestions. There will be more to learn about Jenna, more to learn about Sam and more to come. Peyton's going to help Sam without even realizing it and within the next 2 chapters someone will learn Sam's secret. Any guesses who? **


	4. 3: Beauty From Pain

**Disclaimer: **I don't own One Tree Hill :-(. But it's producers do and it's on Monday for the first time in two weeks so you should watch it!

**Author's Note: **Once again, I think I've updated within the week. You guys continue to make me feel great about this story. I had a lot of guesses about who Sam would divulge her secret to, a few Haley's a Peyton and a Julian or two and the first person will be revealed in this chapter but someone else is not far behind. There will be more complications, Sam will try to pull further from Brooke and it won't be pretty. I know you guys want Sam to tell her but if she did so soon, I wouldn't have a story. This chapter was hard to write, I didn't have a lot of motivation but I wanted to get it done so your thoughts are very welcome. You learn a little more about her family too and why it's affecting her now so much.

**Setting: **January 2009

My whole world is the pain inside me  
The best i can do is just get through the day  
When life before is only a memory  
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place  
And though i can't understand why this happened  
I know that i will when i look back someday  
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes  
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain  
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain  
Though it won't be today,  
Someday i'll hope again  
And there'll be beauty from pain  
You will bring beauty from my pain

- **Superchick**

Sam was beginning to think her whole life was a statistic.

This morning she'd pretended not to be awake when Brooke had risen a little after seven; she'd fallen asleep in Brooke's arm and assumed that her foster mother had done the same not too long after. She'd pretended that she couldn't feel Brooke's eyes boring down on her with concern until her foster mother had finally stopped watching her sleep and left the room. Was it really that enticing to a mother to watch their daughter sleep? Sam hadn't had a real mother in so long before Brooke she couldn't remember anymore.

Brooke had closed the door to her bedroom, but Sam could hear her tripping around outside trying to pull herself together. She had a meeting for the clothing line she was still in disputes over and would be out of town for most of the day, which meant Sam would be alone and free to review all of her options.

It was funny that she had become so adjusted to living in Brooke's home that she could predict every noise before she'd heard it. The sound of the coffee maker brewing her a fresh cup of coffee, Brooke's raspy morning voice unconsciously talking to herself as she gathered everything she needed together; it'd become such a solid routine Sam found herself wondering if it felt empty for Brooke without her in the kitchen.

When she finally heard the door slam shut and Brooke's car sputtering off down the road, Sam laid there motionless for a few moments, contemplating her next move. Then she'd rolled over and headed for the computer, looking for proof that maybe she wasn't the only stupid teenager out there and there was someone else whose life story might help her make a decision to change the ending of her own.

Somehow along the way she'd come upon statistics. Facts and numbers that defined her pregnancy and although she'd at first ignored them, eventually Sam found herself clicking back to the page and reading.

_Nationally, more than half of teenagers are virgins until they are at least 17 years of age. _Not me, Sam thought bitterly and scrolled down a few lines. Something caught her eye. _In the U.S., 6 in 10 of those who had sex before age 15 report having had sex involuntarily._ That fits me better, she decided.

There was more too.

_Nationally, nearly one million young women under age 20 become pregnant each year. That means close to 2800 teens get pregnant each day._

So she wasn't alone, not in the slightest.

_30 - 40% were victims of rape or attempted rape. _

A picture of Xavier flashed in her mind, but she pushed it right back out.

_Daughters of teen mothers are likely to become pregnant as teens. As high as 75% of pregnant teens had mothers who were also pregnant while as an adolescent._

Sam bit down on her lip to keep from crying.

This was too much for her; she clicked off of the page and shoved the mouse aside, heading back to her bedroom and getting dressed hoping to find a way to salvage the already ruined day.

Sam pulled a sweatshirt over her head, wondering how long it would be until this sweater still even fit her. How long was it supposed to be until the baby started making its presence known? Peyton still wasn't showing, but Sam figured she was probably only so many weeks ahead of Sam. She thought about this baby and tried not to remember the other facts that had left an imprint in her mind.

_Approximately 70 percent of all pregnant adolescents do not receive adequate prenatal care, when in reality this is the group that needs the most care._

_The health risks to the baby are substantially greater. Nine percent of teen moths have low birth weight babies. Low birth weight babies are 40 times more likely to die in their first month of life than normal weight babies._

_A teenage mother is more at risk of pregnancy complications such as premature or prolonged labor, anemia and high blood pressure. The risks are even greater for teens who are 15 years old or less._

_More than nine in ten teens who give birth keep their babies._

Keep them. Sam repeated that, turning it over and over in her mind. How could she ever keep something that was the product of something so terrible? Would she ever be able to look at this innocent baby and not think of the agonizing night that had created it? An idea struck her harder, what if it looked like_ him_ instead of her? Sam had studied genetics in school, but she couldn't seem to remember what the chances were that a baby would inherit her own chocolate brown eyes over Xavier's demonic black ones.

Was there a higher chance this child would be a victimizer, like him or the victim, like her?

If she even made it nine months, –Sam couldn't see herself pregnant and giving birth in any reality— was there really any question of whether she was competent enough to care for a baby? She could barely care for herself and had failed at protecting Jenna; otherwise this wouldn't have happened in the first place.

She told herself Brooke would love a chance at getting to be a mother to a real baby instead of a pathetic 15-year-old who shot off her mouth and got in too deep to get out herself. But it just made her laugh, Brooke didn't have the time for that now and she'd already given up that opportunity to have a real baby for Sam in the first place, though Sam liked to imagine that she'd never heard Brooke that night on the phone in the first place.

But how, knowing how the horrors of adoption and foster had affected her and Jenna, would she really be able to leave a defenseless baby there to fend for itself in a world of cruelty? Sam _did_ have a conscience.

Suddenly, she remembered one of the first facts she'd read. It'd been in plain text right there: 75% of pregnant teens were children to mothers that had been pregnant themselves.

_"See that waitress over there?" Sam had asked Brooke one day from her normal table at the diner. Brooke had looked and saw an woman in her early thirties serving some breakfast, but she hadn't__** seen**__ the woman the same way Sam had. "That's my mom."_

_She'd been speechless, like Sam had wanted her to be to prove her own point. "One day I'm gonna tell her who I am, the big mistake she made." Her eyes had watered, but trying to be brave she blinked them back. Brooke was still staring at her, so full of concern but unable to convey it. "Like I said," Sam finished, "I'm used to people giving up on me."_

Gasping as a chill gripped her spine, Sam quivered. "I'm just like her."

***

"Oh the hell with it," she said. "I'm calling her."

Every free second she had, Brooke had looked at her phone. It's not that she'd wanted to be mistrustful of Sam, but her daughter had been on edge the past few days and Brooke was seriously waiting for her to break. Even Haley had agreed, telling her about the event in the nurse's office that proved Sam's nightmares weren't just a one-time occurrence.

She'd done everything to fix her mind on something else besides Sam, but it had been too difficult, a feat Brooke David couldn't even manage.

Who cares if she was obsessing over what might be something small? At least she cared.

Brooke groaned as she got her daughter's voicemail and attempted to remind herself that Sam was fine and could survive a day without her.

But somehow it was an impossible thing to convince.

***

From her spot on the couch, Sam lay running her hands over her flat stomach, trying to imagine what it would be like to have the extra weight, to feel a human being moving inside her. Shuddering, Sam tried to focus on something else. Moving her eyes away from her stomach, she stared at the ceiling. The solid white color quickly absorbed her attention and she was so lost in thought that eventually fell asleep.

_"Next time you'll think before you open your big mouth, won't you?," Xavier's growl whispered into her ear as she lay broken on the floor of his apartment. "No one would __**ever **__want a slut like you now."_

_It was almost as if he knew what was in store for her, like he'd done this just for this. "That bitch is going to know exactly how much of a whore you were, you just wait."_

_He stepped over her and Sam finally found the strength to roll over and force herself to her feet, pulling her clothes back on and trying not to let him see how hard she was crying. "I'm not a slut," she said, but not even she believed it at this point, her words were salty with tears and so distant she wasn't sure she'd spoken aloud._

_"Oh yes you are," he mocked her, shoving her back down when she'd managed to stand._

_Sam whimpered, sore and unable to move. She closed her eyes, wishing she could wake up from this nightmare but when she opened them again he was still there, watching her. "You're gonna regret this the rest of your life."_

However many minutes later, the knock on the door almost didn't manage to wake her up.

"Sam?" Peyton's voice called from the other side of the door.

Sam sat up on the couch, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and coming to realize that she wasn't alone. She paused. "Peyton?" she finally answered, standing up and heading to the doorway. Sure enough, Sam grabbed the knob of the door and yanked it open to find Peyton standing there. "Uh…hi?" she asked hesitantly.

"Hey!" Peyton replied back happily, giving Sam a small hug and letting herself in.

Sam followed Peyton with her eyes, closing the door behind her. An awkward silence ensued at the strangeness of the situation before she could come up with any kind of a response, "Brooke's…not home."

"Oh, I know," Peyton smiled. "I came to see you."

This was a surprise. "Really?" Sam asked incredulously, and then she understood. "You're checking up on me _for _Brooke, aren't you?"

"Partly," Peyton admitted and Sam nodded, rolling her eyes. "And partly because I felt like I haven't bonded with the mini-Davis yet and I thought it was time we rectified that." Peyton shot Sam a warm smile, but then almost instantly changed her priorities. "You wouldn't happen to have any ice cream around her, would you? Preferably chocolate…I'm getting the worst craving."

Even Sam couldn't help but laugh. "Uh, I don't know," she replied, wandering over to the freezer and searching inside. "No, I guess we finished that," Sam finally concluded, shoving her face further into the freezer to hide the burning of her cheeks as she remembered she'd scarfed it down during one of her own cravings yesterday.

"You okay?" Peyton asked, noticing Sam's head buried in the freezer.

"Yeah," Sam quickly pulled herself free and opened the fridge instead. She looked for anything to distract Peyton, "We have pudding though! That's chocolate, it counts."

Peyton stared at it for a long time as if trying to decide whether or not this would satisfy her. Finally, she dug out a spoon from the silverware drawer and retrieved the plastic container from Sam. "Yeah, close enough," she laughed and thrust a spoonful of the treat in her mouth, grinning like a little kid. Immediately Sam found to her dismay that she too was now having the same craving for something sweet, and snatched one more from the shelf in the fridge. She saw Peyton smothering a laugh, "Hard to resist, huh?"

Sam nodded in agreement, dunking a spoon deep into the pudding and settling on the chair on the opposite side of the counter from Peyton. "So…bonding?" she inquired, raising her eyebrows as to what that would entail.

Peyton's eyes lit up. "Yeah, sure. I mean I want to get to know the girl my best friend has so much to say about."

"She does?" Sam said skeptically. "Like how I'm such trouble?"

"Well you did ruin my wedding dress…" Peyton's voice faded and Sam smirked at her.

"Only the first one," Sam reminded her. "You did that the second time by going and getting pregnant."

"Ha ha. You really are a mini Brooke, smart mouth. But no, she talks about you all the time and not for bad reasons, especially not lately. You've made a lot of improvement Sam and she knows that. Brooke cares a great deal about you; when you ran away it was all she could do not to tear the entire town apart trying to find you."

Although Peyton hadn't meant to imply anything, Sam thought again of this day and hung her head feeling ashamed. Hearing that she'd caused Brooke distress wasn't funny like it used to be, it was just disappointing.

"Hey, are you all right?" Peyton reached over and rubbed Sam's shoulder. "I'm sorry; I thought you and Brooke had come to terms with all that happened that night." Sam gazed up at Peyton but didn't have anything to say, not even a sarcastic comment. "You know Sam, not for nothing but just because Brooke and I are friends doesn't mean you can't talk to me if you're upset."

"You said you weren't coming here to check up on me," Sam said, but she didn't sound herself.

"I said partly," Peyton corrected her, and then realized she was arguing with a 15 year old and changed her course of reason. "Look, Brooke's been worried. Even I can see you're not yourself; whatever's wrong, she can handle it. She's not going to disappear Sam."

The teen sat there scraping the bottom of the pudding cup even though the remnants of pudding were long gone. Peyton and Brooke and Haley were all the same and had probably uttered that same sentence 5,000 different ways the past few days, so why couldn't she believe them? Sarcastic comments aside, she liked them. Each woman had been accepting of her in their own way and she couldn't repay them with trust? _A little gift from the foster homes I guess,_ she thought resentfully at the guarded personality it'd left her with.

Sam considered the facts: Peyton could relate, she was pregnant now but it'd been by her own choice. Unfortunately, there was no real way any of the women could relate to her 100%.

And would they really be able to handle her rape, pregnancy and the pain from the past she harnessed?

Peyton was watching her expectantly. She had to say something before she became even more suspicious. "Peyt—" she began, letting her intuition take over for her brain when Peyton's cell rang.

"Hello?" she asked, lifting her cell to her ear. "Hi honey!" Sam buried her head in her arms, not interested in hearing love talk between Luke and Peyton after all she'd heard from Julian and Brooke. "No, I'm actually at Brooke's with Sam right now." Her face dropped a little, "are you sure? It can't wait?" Luke had more to say and Peyton sighed. "Sure, just give me twenty minutes." She hung up and begun to pull her coat over her body. "I hate to cut this short, because I do want to listen to what you have to say, but Lucas wants my help in choosing some of the actors so I have to get down to TRIC. Unless," she stopped, "you wanna join me? We can mock any terrible actresses that ware auditioning that are auditioning for the part of me or Haley. It could be fun."

Sam looked around the empty house. If she sat here any longer she was going to implode to her own thoughts, maybe a day off from being pregnant was what she needed, to deal with it all tomorrow. "That'd be cool," she said, trying to not show her interest. Maybe this bonding thing with Peyton wasn't so bad after all.

"Just try not to tell anybody else that I'm pregnant this time okay," she said, playfully hitting Sam on the shoulder as she ushered the two of them out the doorway.

Sam paused to look back at her, at a loss for words. "You couldn't let it go, could you?"

Peyton watched Sam climb into her car, thinking that she really must be a mini-Brooke.

***

How many messages had she missed?

Sam looked through the call record of her phone, a straight list of Brooke's name extending 10 or 11 times in the list. She looked at Peyton, who was driving and didn't notice her nervous glance, and then hit the call button. "This is going to go _so_ well, I can tell you right now."

"Sam?" Brooke answered worriedly. "Why didn't you pick up the first hundred times I called you?"

Peyton, who could hear Brooke's rant, laughed while Sam tried to come up with a decent excuse for the fact that she'd sat around doing and nothing and not checked her phone for the very reason of steering clear of Brooke. "I was asleep and then Peyton stopped by, remember? You wanted her to check up on me?" Sam could feel Peyton rolling her eyes without even looking. "She invited me to come mock actresses at TRIC with her, I thought it might be fun."

"But you're sick," Brooke pressed, not as if she didn't believe Sam but seeming worried. "What if something happens while you're there. I don't want a repeat of yesterday Sam…"

"Give me that," Peyton yanked the phone from Sam's grasp before Sam was aware of what she was doing. "Hi Brooke. No don't worry, I will take good care of her." Peyton sighed, "You were the one who said we should hang out and by making sure she's okay I'm getting good use of my motherly skills. Now go back to your meeting, we will be fine and maybe we'll get a good laugh out of any of the actresses that show up to play _you_."

Probably before Brooke could react, Peyton hung up. "Wow," Sam gasped, impressed, throwing Peyton an impressed gaze. "Don't mess with you."

"Your mother can be so paranoid sometimes," Peyton winked for Sam's benefit, handing Sam's cell phone back to her so she could focus on the road.

_Paranoid? _Sam wondered, _Or completely, 100%, right?_

***

TRIC was flooded with willing participants for Lucas' movie. She and Peyton squeezed their way through the crowds in search of Lucas himself but there were so many people that the minute she looked away she found herself separated from Peyton.

"Peyton?" she called out, weaving her way through actress and actor but unable to decipher the real Peyton from the dozens of other blonde hopefuls. Peyton was no where to be found.

She pushed through a couple more women, looking for Peyton's office where she knew the auditions were being held in hopes that maybe she could find Peyton there, but the minute Sam got herself turned in that direction she instantly felt a searing pain in her stomach. _The baby_, she thought instantly and then retracted that thought, wondering if a fetus 3 weeks old could even be considered a baby yet. If it wasn't that big yet, why was it hurting so badly? Sam covered her eyes with her hands and backed up against the bar, grabbing for it as she felt her knees buckle. "Please, please stop," Sam begged, "Not here. I'll eat a pound of chocolate for you later if you stop."

What was she doing? Sam knew that bargaining with a fetus was desperate, but so was she.

Some of the actors had noticed her dropping to the ground and were beginning to freak out and call for help; Sam made an endeavor to look up and tell them she was fine but when she did Peyton was already kneeling next to her. "Sam?" she asked worriedly, placing her hand on Sam's back and helping her stand. "What's wrong?"

"Cramps," she mumbled weakly, avoiding the eyes of the curious actors that she was sure were staring.

"Oh I know, I get them bad too." Eyes brimming with concern, Peyton stopped them outside her office for a moment. "Are you going to be all right?"

_Me? Sure. The baby, who knows. _Determined not to let this baby ruin another second, she pushed the pain aside in denial of whatever was wrong, and nodded. Peyton didn't seem to believe her, but the two of them went inside anyway.

Julian and Lucas were there, as well as a few camera men, and the director whose name Sam didn't know but had heard Peyton grumbling about on the way over.

"Ah Sammy, kind of you to join us," Julian greeted her. "You're in for quite a show."

"So Peyton says," Sam mused, sharing a smile with Peyton. "Hi Lucas."

"Hey Sam," Lucas waved back as Sam found herself a seat on a chair next to him. "Between you and me, some of these guys are really bad, but just smile and pretend you're impressed." She looked at him and thought _I'm good at pretending anyway, _but just put on an understanding face. "Frank and Kelly are next, their names are on the sheet if you want to see it."

Seeing the resumes sitting next to Peyton on the table, Sam grabbed for it. Interested, she scanned the list of names, trying to match the name of the actor to the faces that were walking in. But as she scanned the list, her eyes ran over names that had her mind flashing back to childhood.

Laura Jensen

Adam Daniels

Taylor Walker

_"Mommy?" Sam asked one day, climbing onto the couch beside her mother and cuddling close to her. "Why don't I look like you or daddy?" _

_Sam, at only 5 years old, had always been the most observant of her siblings. While they might look back on any memory and remember just the place they visited or the food they ate, Sam could remember the color shirt her brother wore or how their beach house was the fourth one on the street. So Laura wasn't surprised that Sam, who found detail in everything, had noticed that Jenna had her mother's golden blonde curls and sky blue eyes, Daniel's wavy dark hair and curved face was identical to Adam's, but she did not have her match._

_"Sammy," Laura said, smiling and shifting Sam onto her lap, "I have a very good explanation for that. But I think daddy would want to be here for that too okay?"_

_"Am I in trouble?" she queried worriedly._

_"No baby, not one bit."_

_By the time Laura had summoned Adam to the room and he was seated comfortably next to his wife and daughter, they took a deep breath and searched for the perfect words for an explanation._

_"Sometimes when a person is having a baby they decide that for whatever reason, they're just not ready for it. So they can take their baby to a place called an adoption agency so that someone else can take them home and raise them." Laura watched Sam to see if she was paying attention and if she understand._

_"Your birth mommy," Adam continued, "decided that she wanted someone else to give you a home and love because she couldn't. So she took you to the adoption agency and they gave you to us."_

_"So you're not my real mommy and daddy?" Sam asked, her eyes wide and filling with tears._

_"Oh sweetie, just because I didn't give birth to you we don't love you any less. We think you're just as special as Jenna and Danny and we've never thought of you as anything else but our Sammy." Laura brushed the hair out of her eyes and hugged Sam close. "We love you very much."_

_Laura didn't tell Sam that her mother had been sixteen at the time or that she'd abandoned her baby on a gurney in the hospital without a word to anyone. She didn't tell her daughter the things she'd be too young to comprehend, that in spite of herself she both hated the woman who could abandon a beautiful child like Sam and was also grateful at the same time because she'd been the lucky recipient of that same newborn._

_Sam didn't need to know that, she reminded herself, she was safe now. She was loved._

_After that conversation, Sam accepted the fact of her adoption, never once considering Laura and Adam as anything more than they'd ever been, her parents. _

_When her parents and brother died Sam tried to tell herself that it didn't matter, they weren't her biological parents anyway. But Sam knew 'biological' and 'real' weren't always exclusive and that if she was being honest with herself, after every battered foster home, she'd just lost the only family she'd ever been apart of._

Snapping out of her trance, Sam put the audition sheet she'd been holding down to find she'd completely missed the girl's audition and that Peyton watching her.

"Penny for your thoughts?" she asked sweetly, no pressure at all.

Sam, ready to break from the secret she was keeping, almost told her but then remembered she was Brooke's best friend. Despite Peyton's prior assurance, there wasn't a slightest chance that Peyton wouldn't that very second go running off to Brooke. "You know what you said about before?" Sam said before she even realized she was speaking. "We haven't…solved everything yet." She knew Lucas and Julian were listening now too, "I just…I guess I'm not so sure sometimes she's in it for the long haul…considering—"

"Considering what?" Peyton asked.

But at that moment, Sam was interrupted by a feeling in the pit of her stomach. She got up and fled from the room, heading for the bathroom as fast as her feet could take her.

She dropped to her knees and heaved into the toilet, feeling so empty all of the sudden. "Well so much for chocolate," Sam sighed, running her fingers through her hair and coughing. "Please don't do this to me now," she spoke to her stomach again and then immediately realized what she'd done. "Oh my god, I can't believe I just did that, again. I can't be talking to this baby, I can't be_ having_ this baby."

So much had happened in so few hours. The memories plaguing her mind, the pains of the pregnancy, the conversation with Peyton that Sam could hold in her tears any longer. She was alone now and she let them fall freely, so much so Sam was sure she'd drown from them.

And then another sharp wave of pain hit her.

"I can't do this…I can't do this."

"Can't do what?"

Sam glanced up, horrified. "Oh…Mia." She would have guessed Peyton would have followed her and was relieved to find that she hadn't at first, but was Mia just as bad? "What are you doing here, how long have you been standing there?"

"I was…in the studio trying to write something decent," she said quickly, shocked by the scene before her. "And I've been here long enough to know something's not right. I'll go get Peyton!" She turned, ready to head back out as swiftly as she'd come.

"No! Mia, don't tell her about this please. This already happened once, she'll get even more suspicious tell Brooke and then it'll all be ruined." She wrapped her arms tightly around her stomach as waves of nausea created swear on her forehead. "I'm begging you, Mia, please."

Mia rested her enclosed hand on the doorknob and looked back at Sam. These weren't situations she was good in, she'd much rather be on stage in front of a large crowd or stuck writing a song for her next album, and that was saying something. But here Sam was, asking for her help, it'd be cruel not to come to her aid like a good friend would. "Okay," she finally conceded.

Hoping her choices wouldn't give way to consequences; Mia approached Sam and sank down next to her. "Thank you," Sam said miserably.

"Just, please tell me what's going on," Mia implored, losing her calm exterior and letting her worry show. If Sam passed out or got sick, what she was supposed to do?

Sam remembered the day at the USO show when Mia had told her they could hang out, be friends. She'd just given in to her desperate pleas and was sitting on the floor next to Sam, stroking her back and trying to comfort her. Mia had just unnecessarily done her the biggest favor by not confronting Peyton, if that wasn't enough to earn her trust Sam didn't know what was. So she risked it, in spite of how Mia might react.

"Mia…" Sam said, bringing her eyes to her friend's. "I'm pregnant."


	5. 4: Lift Me Up

**Disclaimer: **If One Tree Hill were mine do you really think I'd be here on fanfic?

**Author's Note: **So are you proud of me? I wrote this entire chapter in a day. I guess I fooled most of you with the whole 'Mia' thing. And I know there's been a lack of Brooke as there will be this chapter but just wait until the next time. There's a lot of drama here, a lot of stuff revealed and I really enjoyed writing this so I hope you enjoyed it. Please please please I can't stress enough that I thrive from my reviews and the more you give me the more motivated I will be. Leave me suggestions, praise, thoughts, whatever! I love to read it.

**Setting: **January 2009

This road is anything but simple  
Twisted like a riddle I've seen high and I've seen low  
So loud, the voices of all my doubts  
Telling me to give up, to pack up and leave town

Even so, I had to believe  
Impossible means nothing to me, yeah

So can you lift me up,  
Turn the ashes into flames  
'Cause I have overcome  
More than words will ever say

-**Kate Voegele**

"Okay, I'm sorry I must have heard you incorrectly, you're _what?_"

"You didn't," Sam started, afraid she'd made a tremendous mistake, "I mean you heard me right because I am…" her voice grew faint and she looked away. "I am…_pregnant._" Mia was staring at her, jaw-dropped and Sam's eyes coated with tears. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have told you that. I shouldn't have said anything."

Mia, who Sam would have bet a million dollars would have had a calm reaction than most, was absolutely speechless. Sam was sure she'd just dug herself in a hole too deep to escape and grasped the handle of the stall door for support. Ready to flee, she was almost out of the bathroom when Mia gained the courage to say something.

"Sam, don't."

Whipping around to face Mia, Sam cried, "What? Mia if you reacted like this, Brooke's reaction is only going to be like 1000 times worse! And Peyton—" she coughed on her tears, "what am I supposed to tell her?"

Quickly, Mia thought on her feet. She grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser. "Here," she handed it to Sam, "go splash some water on your face and wipe your eyes, Peyton doesn't need the red swollen eyes as more proof that something's wrong. Pull yourself together and I'll wait outside and we'll face her together." She flashed Sam what she hoped to be a confident smile, "just leave it to me."

Mia did as she said and left Sam alone. Leaning over the sink, Sam slowly turned the faucet until cold water was dribbling down into the sink. She ran her hands under it until they were dripping and rubbed her face, the cool water feeling so refreshing against the pounding headache that hadn't gone away in days. When she'd finally managed to cease crying, Sam took a few deep breaths and dried her face. But as she looked into the mirror to inspect her blotchy eyes, she could barely recognize the broken teenager staring back at her.

A marionette doll in the hands of fate, that's what she was. And fate wanted to see her suffer.

Seeing this as no better time, Sam swallowed her fear and walked out of the bathroom where Mia was waiting for her just as she'd promised. She took one look at Sam and let out the breath she'd been holding. "Okay," she smiled, "I can work with this. I'll do all the talking; just pretend everything is fine and go along with it, okay?"

"Trust me; I've had a lot of practice."

"Good, because I'm not going to lie, Peyton's not going to accept that you're perfectly all right without a little luck on our side, especially if this isn't the first she's seen of it," Mia declared, but despite her reservations swung her arm around Sam's shoulders and led the two of them right back towards the office.

Peyton must have seen them coming because she was standing impatiently outside the door eyeing Sam like a hawk. Sam turned nervously towards Mia, but Mia just grinned and Sam wondered what she was planning.

"Oh Peyton!" Mia feigned surprise, putting on the bravest face she could muster. She gestured to Sam, "I guess you were looking for her, huh? Well I guess I'm lucky I ran into her in the bathroom because otherwise I wouldn't have known she was here! Seriously, why didn't you come find me Sam?" She said it so quickly in the middle of her ramble Sam almost forgot she wasn't supposed to respond. "Well whatever, I definitely think it's time her and I hang out because no offense but I was watching some of those from the studio and they're kinda boring. Besides, I think she needs some nice music because you know," she lowered her voice a little, "cramps and all are making her a little queasy and the best medicine for that is some relaxing. So, what do you say? Can I steal her for a little?"

Sam had to restrain herself from gaping at Mia. Had she not known any better, she might have actually believed the singer's story if not just because she'd packed so much into 30 seconds of chatter.

On the other hand, Peyton seemed torn between Mia's words and her own uncertainties so Sam nodded along with what Mia had said. "I don't want to get in the way of the auditions anyway," she added in.

"Brooke would kill me if I wasn't watching you and something happened," she said mostly to herself.

"Oh _come on_, Peyton" Mia jumped in and sounded like the teenager Sam remembered she was. "She's not five, it's right next door and I'm perfectly capable of making sure she takes it easy. Right Sam?"

That was her cue. "Right," she smiled back.

"Okay," Peyton resigned, "but if you need anything or feel sick or anything else I'm taking you home. I still feel like something's not right in all of this."

She turned around and went back in where Sam could see two more actors running through lines and Julian, who looked like he'd been watching them through the whole conversation. She wasn't out of the woods there: if Peyton didn't let Brooke know about this Julian certainly would.

"Thanks," she said to Mia as they went towards the recording center.

"Don't thank me just yet," Mia replied, stopping. "You've got a lot to explain."

***

Peyton collapsed back into the chair with her head dropped into her hands.

"Trouble in the teenage department?" Julian laughed.

"She's trying to convince me she's fine so she had Mia vouch for her but I'm not buying it and I know Brooke wouldn't have either," she groaned and looked at both Luke and Julian for some advice or maybe an Advil.

"Well," Julian said, "maybe you should leave that to Brooke then, because she probably knows Sam best out of all of us." But as he said that, they were all instantly aware that he was just as worried as the rest of them.

"All you can do is keep letting her know you're there," Lucas offered, "she'll confide in you soon."

"I guess," Peyton replied, but they'd all been teenagers not too long ago and were all aware of the jaws of life it was going to take to get Sam to open up about what was really going on in her head.

***

"Wow."

Sam ran her sleeve over her eyes but the minute she'd rid them of tears more had come in replacement. "Yeah."

Mia had listened to each gruesome detail of what had happened from the terrible words she'd uttered about Brooke to the punishment she'd been given for stealing back the designs from Xavier. "I can't believe he really…"

"Raped me?" Sam filled in the words Mia had been too afraid to say. "I think that's the first time I've ever really said it out loud. He raped me." The words were bitter on her lips, the sour aftertaste.

"But they arrested him?" Mia asked again although she'd already heard it once.

"Yes," Sam reassured her. "But not for that. He killed someone my age, a basketball player at my high school. Quinten Fields." Sam fought back more tears; she hadn't known Quinten but Haley had spoken wonders of him and Brooke had said that everyone had loved him once he'd let them see his true heart. Sam had remembered thinking that it was just Brooke's way of saying to stop rebelling and trust her. "The whole time he was…" she couldn't finish, "I just kept thinking I wanted to die, but it totally_ could_ have been me."

"Well we're just lucky it wasn't."

Mia scooted over to where Sam was sitting and wrapped her in a hug. It was somewhat awkward considering they barely knew each other, but Sam did find it sweet. "What am I going to do?" she sighed and let her mind focus on the music. Before she'd divulged her secrets to Mia, Mia had turned on her newest single so that they had some noise to overpower their voices. Sam hadn't heard _Lift Me Up _before and found the lyrics so inspiring yet so out of reach. "Since you seen to be the queen of motivating songs, what do you suggest."

"Sam I write these songs because I need the motivation, not because I have the answers." Still, at Sam's disparity she answered, "Honestly, I think you need to tell someone."

"I did."

"Other than me," Mia pressed. "I'm only nineteen, that's not much better than fifteen. If you're not ready to tell Brooke then don't, but Peyton would be really cool about it, or as cool as you can be in that situation."

"She's Brooke's best friend," Sam reminded Mia. "Do you really think she'd be willing to keep that secret?"

"Okay," Mia agreed, "then Haley. You know she'd be the best support you ever needed. I mean isn't she the reason you're staying with Brooke in the first place?" She gave Sam a chance to digest all of that and then threw in another point. "And have you even been to a doctor yet? The cramping is not suggesting that all is well."

Sam looked at Mia like she had three heads. "Not a chance in hell."

Feeling Sam's fear and observing that she had begun to shake again Mia backed off; she couldn't put herself in Sam's shoes and was sure there were a million feelings buzzing around her like pesky flies that wouldn't seem to leave her alone. But the truth was, there were so many options and if Sam ignored them for long enough her pregnant stomach was going to tell Brooke before she got the chance.

She put a hand on Sam's knee and assumed the stance of the big sister she always wanted to be. "If you don't do something soon though, Sam, you could put both that baby and yourself in danger."

"I don't want to_ kill_ my baby Mia," Sam confessed, "but I don't want to_ keep_ it either."

"No one's going to say you have to, but you can't ignore this forever."

"I'm not going to! I don't want to—"

"You would if it meant never telling Brooke," Mia interrupted softly, "I think we both know that."

_Can you lift me up, turn the ashes into flames? Cause I have overcome more than words would every say. _The track was the last on the CD and when the song ended it created a silence that was a barrier between them and Sam hopped off of her chair and walked away from Mia, crossing her arms and staring off into space.

In the past few days she'd found out she was pregnant. She'd admitted to herself she'd been raped. She'd tipped Brooke off that there was a problem, been haunted with the skeletons of her past and confided in Mia a secret she hadn't even wanted to know herself. When was it going to be too much?

Mia was watching her curiously and Sam knew that without turning around. It'd been both a relief and mentally exhausting to admit to one person she'd failed, and now Mia was suggesting she did that again.

And at the remnants of pain still existing inside her body, she tried to shake off the thoughts that a doctor was necessary for any reason but a voice in the back of her head was trying to lecture her otherwise.

It sounded kind of like Brooke.

"All right," Sam decided, finally facing Mia. "Maybe…maybe I'll tell Haley."

"Oh!" Mia jumped up and crushed Sam in another hug. "That's the best thing you've said all day." When she pulled away, Sam still looked unsure. "It's gonna be okay, remember? I'll even go with you to tell her if you want as moral support." She placed her hands on Sam's shoulders, "You are not going to let this ruin your life." Sam nodded unconvincingly. "No, say it, then you'll believe it."

"I don't think that's how it wo—"

"Say it, Sam!"

"I'm not going to let this ruin my life," she mimicked and looked at Mia for approval, who smiled.

"Just keep saying that, don't think about anything else. And actually use my phone number this time if you need me!" she laughed. "I was waiting for a call and I never got one, I was starting to think you weren't interested."

Sam looked at Mia, who had come back into her life and given her more hope in thirty minutes time than she'd been able to build in the past two days_. Some people_, she thought, _are just meant to be in your life_.

"Things just got complicated," Sam said quietly. "But um…I need you now."

Mia nodded understandingly just as Peyton poked her head in the door. "Hey, I've about had my fill of interesting actors; I think it's time we get you home before Brooke has a cow." She turned and left, presumably thinking Sam would follow, and leaving the two girls alone in silence again.

Hesitantly, Sam questioned, "So, I guess maybe I'll call you when I decide what to do about Haley?"

Mia stood there thinking and when the light bulb flickered on she ambled over to the stereo and ejected the disk they'd been listening to. "Take this," she said, shoving the CD into Sam's possession. "You know, for when you need a little inspiration and the pathetic songwriter can't think of any."

Staring down at Mia's mix of her songs, Sam chuckled. "Okay." And she began to leave.

"Hey Sam." Halfway out the door, Sam turned. "When I first performed here last year I was scared shitless and I thought that there was no way I was ever going to get through that. From the first day I've been here, Haley's had my back." She looked like she was going to say something else but suppressed it. "I'm just saying."

Sam lingered for a moment, searching for a reply but Peyton got there first. "Sam!!" she called and Sam shrugged and was gone. She fell in step with Peyton and as they got out the door she asked, "So, did Mia help any with the bad day?"

They got into the car and Sam laid back in the seat staring out the window. Peyton had figured she wasn't even going to get an answer when the teen finally spoke up.

"Yeah," there was a lighter tone to her voice, "she did."

**Three Days Later**

Sam and Brooke had been walking on eggshells for days now.

_Tell me what's wrong._ _Are you sure you don't want to talk? If you need me I'm here for you. _It was a routine Sam was carefully learning the steps to, careful so that each time she could dance her way around each of Brooke's encouraging phrases without worrying about tripping over her own mistakes.

Brooke only wanted to help and Sam knew this as well as she'd known it for days, but something inside of her was reluctant to completely opening up for fear that maybe if she asked she would know that Brooke did blame her for the attack as they had never really discussed it in depth. Maybe Brooke would think she was a slut and hate her for being stupid enough to get pregnant. Maybe she'd think it was Sam's fault as Sam did.

She'd cautiously avoided Haley each day and then stowed away in her bedroom whenever Julian visited. The only person Sam had allowed herself to speak to was Mia, who was constantly reminding her that she needed to improve instead of decline and that becoming a recluse wasn't helping anyone.

Mia wasn't threatening to tell Haley, she wasn't threatening to tell anyone, but Sam was scaring herself into thinking that if she waited long enough, Mia might.

It was on Friday after English that she got a wake-up call that her plan to hide forever wasn't working.

***

"Sam? Can you stay a minute?"

Sam froze; had Haley really just stooped that low?

She rose slowly from her seat imagining that she couldn't see the dozens of eyes that where staring at her as they passed, thankful that they hadn't been the ones to be alienated. Even in high school being asked to stay after meant embarrassment, but Haley hadn't done this as a tool of mortification. No, she'd done this because she knew Sam couldn't run away and this was probably the one chance to get her to listen.

Once all of the students had cleared the room, Sam approached Haley's desk. "Yeah?"

"I was wondering if you wouldn't mind babysitting Jamie for me tonight so Nathan and I can go out. He'd love to see you and we'd love the break. He's been asking to see you anyway so I thought it might be a good opportunity." Haley waited to see Sam's reaction before adding, "Can I count you in?"

Babysitting meant Jamie was in her care like a baby to a mother, were all of the signs going to drop motherhood right at her feet? "Sure," Sam answered distantly.

Haley smiled, "Good, thank you."

"Is that all you wanted?" Sam inquired. It couldn't be that easy.

"Well, unless maybe there was something you wanted to talk to me about," Haley suggested, basically throwing the papers she'd been grading aside to show Sam she had her undivided attention.

Was there? Of course, Sam had a million questions she could have thought have to ask at that moment. _What made you decide you wanted to keep Jamie? Is 9 months really as long as it seems? Do you regret the decisions you made? How did you tell the people you cared about?_

_Were you as scared as I am?_

But as much as she knew she needed to talk to someone, Sam chickened out and kept her lips sealed. "No, I think I'm all right."

"You've barely said a word to me in three days, Sam and Brooke says you haven't even come out of your room long enough to finish a sentence with her. Whatever you're hiding from, it shouldn't be us."

Sam wanted to tell Haley that when you were digging your own grave you ended up so deep that all you could see was darkness. In the dark you can't tell the difference between who helps and who hurts. But she kept a tight lip. "I'm not hiding from anything," she insisted. "I think you're seeing this all wrong."

"I think I'm seeing this all right and you're just not ready to admit it. When you're ready to talk, I'll be here."

"So…eight?" Sam redirected, bringing the conversation to a screeching halt.

Defeated, Haley exhaled. "Sounds about right." Finally free to go, Sam trudged from the classroom although by this point she heard 8 not as a time, but as the amount of months until her life was officially over.

_I will not let this baby ruin my life,_ her mind repeated as she'd done the past couple of days when she was feeling overwhelmed. Except this time Mia's pick-me-up speech wasn't as effective.

***

Life was ironic.

Did that explain why Jenna's grave was plotted a few away from Quentin's? No. It didn't.

Did that explain why she had come here to visit her sister and was visiting him instead? Nope.

Did that explain why in spite of the fact that she'd never known him, she felt connected? Well, possibly.

It was a simple headstone; not large or crafted to say any more than Quinten Field's name and the span of time he'd been on Earth. Sam had always been so confused by gravestones; they were just markers that could never capture the soul of a person and the life the lived or the people that loved them. Maybe that's why death was always associated with the cold hard Earth; a solid unfeeling headstone was as cold as you could get.

Her mother had told her when she was little that you weren't supposed to step on a person's grave, but the way Sam saw it she wanted to be as close as she could get in case Quinten was listening.

"So, Jamie says a lot of good stuff about you," she began, running her fingers through the fresh layer of snow that was blanketing the graveyard. It made everything appear so white and pure but Sam knew better she could bet Quinten knew better too. "I'm sorry I never got to meet you."

The wind rustled the empty branches and Sam shivered. "To tell you the truth," she confessed, "I think you're the lucky one. Being dead must be so much nicer than being here where all you get is hurt." Suddenly, all around her was still and Sam liked to believe that this was Quinten's way of telling her he was paying attention. "Did you know in that second that he was going to do it? Everyone at school said you were shot and they were so damn sad for the longest time that I couldn't help but being jealous of you." She leaned forward and stroked the gravestone, "Did you even know you had that Quinten? Shame you never really know what people feel until you're gone, is that just because we're too afraid to say how we really feel. Too love much suffocates and not enough has us wasting away, how does that even make sense?"

Sam was sure she'd been dry of tears, but one made a river down her cheek nearly freezing before it dripping onto her coat. She'd survived Xavier and Quinten hadn't; maybe they could have been friends. He could have taught her how to allow herself to let people in if he'd managed to do it himself.

But she'd never really know, now would she?

She was scared of Brooke and what she might or might not say, scared of telling Haley because she didn't want to see her eyes lined with disappointment after all she'd done to save Sam from hell in the first place.

"You know Haley best, right?" Sam asked and for a minute forgot she wouldn't be receiving an answer. "How is she going to react when I tell her I'm pregnant? I mean I know she had Jamie and all but she was older than I am, even if it was only two years. And she had Jamie with someone who _loves_ her."

Sam didn't work to conceal her tears here, there was no one within an earshot except the dead and she was pretty sure they'd understand her qualms. Her prolonged sobs echoed against the quiet cemetery.

"I want to tell her Quinten, because if she didn't give up on you she probably won't give up on me. But I just have this feeling it's not going to be that easy, and that as soon as she knows Brooke won't be far behind. I'm not ready for them to see me like that. How about we make a trade, I'll die and you can take my place? You probably deserve it more than I do." The silence thickened and Sam pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face, stained with tears, in him. "I didn't think so."

She stared into the cloudy sky. "Hey, if you see Jenna up there can you make sure she's safe? Maybe you could even find Dan and my parents for me if they're not already together. I don't want them to see me as a screw-up." Standing up, she threw the gravestone one last glance, "Thanks for listening, Quinten"

Pulling her coat tighter around her body, Sam couldn't stifle the chill creeping up her spine. She passed by Jenna's grave and dug her heels into the ground as a way to communicate to her mind that she needed to stop.

She knelt down and brushed the snow off Jenna's plaque, a stone that may have well been camouflaged with the ground because unless you knew it was there you'd never have seen it. The last stray tears landed in the snow, melting it away. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you Jenna. If I can't be a mother to you I can never be one to this baby because all I'm going to remember is you and how I failed you. I hope you don't hate me for not visiting you more often, I guess I just didn't know how to really tell you how sorry I am."

As Sam left the graveyard it begun snowing again, a way to cover up the evidence she'd ever been there in the first place. Her feet sunk into the soft soil, passing by tombstone after tombstone of others like her sister and like Quentin whose time was cut short.

The tears were hot and stung against the wind but that didn't stop them as much as Sam wanted to.

_The house was way too quiet for comfort._

_Jenna was crying when Sam found her; as she had been more days than not lately. She sat on the edge of the only bed in the room of the two of them had been forced to share, legs drawn up and sobbing. Sam she sat down next to her baby sister, the only person she'd ever trusted enough to be herself in front of, and pulled Jenna into her arms, embracing her sister as she wept. "It's okay Jen, we'll get through whatever it is."_

_"No, we won't. He knows. He's going to kill me. Just like Alina."_

_Sam hadn't understood Jenna as she'd mumbled the words so quietly into her sweater and there hadn't been time after that because their foster father's drunk cursing interrupted them. _

_"Sammy," she sister cried harder, "stop him." _

_There was no one else in the world that could transform Sam from a fearful child to a determined fighter. "He won't hurt you," Sam promised getting to her feet and looking to block the doorway but the man beat them there. _

_"Just what do you think you're doing?" He growled and then looked past Sam to Jenna. "I found the test Damnit, and if you think you're going to try to screw me over like that you're pretty fucking stupid. Get over here right now so we can stop this problem before it begins."_

_They'd fought, Sam doing her best to fend off a man twice her size as she finally heard Jenna's words: __**Alina**__. Sam wondered how people like this got away with being foster parents, she and Jenna had faced so much abusive families that they were nearly impervious to beatings, but this was the first time it had gone past the average beating. She remembered now the night she'd snuck out to go to a party she'd heard about at school, the first one she'd ever been invited to attend, and left Jenna behind. When she returned it had seemed like some of her sister's soul had disappeared, like some part of her had been stolen._

_But Jenna had said nothing; Sam tried to convince herself she would have known. It couldn't possibly be true._

_Jenna fled down the stairs and he was immediately on her trail, but Sam was anxious to get in the way of that . She followed, grabbing one of her heavy schoolbooks and whacking him on the head from behind. But it barely phased him and in return she was knocked down the stairs._

_By the time Sam regained consciousness in the hospital, Jenna was already dead._

_It was a stab wound, they'd said but the way Sam perceived things they were both dead from the minute the car holding her parents and brother crashed seven years ago. She'd seen the body of her sister to say goodbye, looking so small and frail against the emergency room and had melted to the floor in a puddle of tears. Some kids grew up in normal families, she and Jenna grew up fighting to survive._

_The sad fact of life._

_She didn't even care if her foster parent was arrested, it wasn't bringing Jenna back._

_When the autopsy report was returned, they had confirmed that Jenna had, in fact, been pregnant. 'She was only twelve' the police officers had shaken their heads as if they were ashamed for her, but Sam had been ashamed of them for not keeping this from happening._

_Just days after she'd lost half of her heart, the foster agency told her to once again pack her bags as they'd already found her a room in the same town where they'd be burying Jenna._

_Tree Hill._

It was late by the time Sam got home, almost four and she'd been out of school nearly two hours. She stamped the snow off of her boots and walked inside. Hanging up her coat, Sam was ready to head for her room but ran right into Brooke on her way there.

Brooke seemed like she'd been waiting awhile and Sam knew she was in trouble.

"We need to talk."

**So I think some of you know what's coming. Next chapter will be very Sam/Brooke oriented with some nice Haley thrown in. I think it will be up soon, but it'll be up sooner if you review. What'd you think? Sam's got it tough, there's a reason the pregnancy hit her so hard (besides the whole, ya know, fact that she's 15 of course) and it's Jenna. I'm not done with the flashbacks.**

**What do YOU want to see? I'll see if I can find somewhere for your suggestions!**


	6. 5: Heavily Broken

**Disclaimer: **One Tree Hill and it's characters do not belong to me, blah blah blah…

**Author's Note: **Okay first of all, thank you SO MUCH for all the reviews, that's what I love for a chapter. This chapter was almost double the length I usually write, and I wrote pretty much all of it today because I wanted to get it done for you guys, I'm sorry I didn't update throughout the week, I was incredibly busy. But I'm proud of this and I really hope you enjoy it. So review!! You keep me writing.

**Setting: **January 2009

_Almost giving up on trying  
Almost heading for a fall  
And now my mind is screaming out  
I've gotta keep on fighting  
But then again  
It doesn't end_

I'm heavily broken  
And I don't know what to do  
Can't you see that I'm choking  
And I can't even move  
When there's nothing left to say  
What can you do?  
I'm heavily broken  
And there's nothing I can do  
And there's nothing I can do

**- The Veronicas**

"I don't have a problem!!"

The screaming echoed off the walls of Brooke's house and hit her at double the intensity. It didn't faze her; she was used to denial and frustration, it'd been the basis of her adolescence.

She'd tried to rationally sit Sam down on the couch and discuss what had been going on that past week that had left her standoffish and secluded more often than not. There were nightmares, that much Brooke knew, that plagued Sam in the middle of nights and whenever she'd gone into Sam's bedroom to try and console her after that first night she had been pushed away. Sam was fine, or at least that's what she'd insisted even though it was completely obvious that she was the complete opposite of fine.

Reports from both Peyton and Haley had been the same. When Haley drove Sam to school she stuck her headphones in her ears and stared out the window, completely ignoring Haley like her life depended on it. She'd warmed up to Peyton at first, but had presented the same symptoms of sickness and fear and immediately withdrawn.

With every step any of the women took, they instantly took five back.

Now Sam was being incredibly resistant. Brooke had danced around the subject since Sam had moved in but when she finally up and asked if her past was the problem she'd shot up from her seat and blown up at Brooke.

"Sam, she reasoned calmly, trying not to lose it. "I'm just trying to—"

"I know what you're trying to do Brooke but it's not working. There's a reason I don't bring this stuff up, I want to forget it, I want it gone."

"Really?" Brooke was adamant, "because the nightmares are a slight implication that you aren't forgetting them. Sometimes talking helps more than you realize it does."

"Talking doesn't do shit!"

"Watch your mouth," Brooke scolded and Sam was already on her way back to the front door. Beating her there, Brooke stood blocking her escape plan. "Where do you think you're going?"

Glaring, Sam could feel her cheeks growing red. "Anywhere that's not here. I'll go to Haley's early or something. You weren't there in my past Brooke, you'd never understand."

She let up on her anger, "Try me," Brooke offered.

Sam groaned. "Why?! You lived like the perfect teenage life with friends that cared about you and a decent place to call home and now you have all this. Someone like _you _could never get someone like _me_."

That wasn't true and Sam knew it, but she had to push Brooke away because if she came to close Sam would melt into her arms and tell her everything including her brutal past and pregnancy. In a way, they were one, one thing which was karma towards another. If the pregnancy didn't make Brooke hate Sam enough to kick her out, her inability to protect her sister because of pure selfishness just might.

Brooke was in shock by what Sam had said. She thought of Victoria and how little she'd been invested in Brooke's life and knew that if she could relate to Sam at all, it was there. Yes, she had hardships so many times worse but Brooke was sure she could help Sam through this.

Why wouldn't Sam let her?

"My life wasn't at perfect as you think," Brooke replied. The comment had hurt her a little. It had been directed at her in a way that it would, Brooke realized, as a distraction. "But it's not me we're talking about, it's you."

Stalking back across the room, Sam angrily fought back. "Why? You're too ashamed about your past?"

"Samantha, stop trying to turn everything I say around on me! For God's sake I'm worried about you and all I'm trying to do is help you. What happened in your life to make you like this, so that you think everyone in your life is just going to leave you. What happened that you can't accept trust?"

"No one can help me Brooke, I'm just a pathetic teenager that you probably want to throw out on her ass right now, am I correct? I'm sure this is too much for you to handle," she spat back, words filled with venom that bit hard into Brooke. Words that Sam truly didn't even mean.

"I'm different," she insisted.

"No one's different," Sam said as if she'd heard this all before.

"The fact that you could even think that about me kills me, Sam," Brooke countered, crushed. "I give up, if you want to sit there and let yourself suffer, there's not a damn thing I can do to stop you."

Sam watched as Brooke turned away and went to the refrigerator to make herself some dinner. She held her breath; it was better this way wasn't it? If she pushed Brooke away that maybe eventually stop caring about her and then she'd never have to tell her about the pregnancy.

There was still over two hours before she had to go watch Jamie.

Sam slipped into her bedroom and buried herself underneath the covers to muffle the sounds of her crying. Brooke _was _different. After a fight like that most of her foster parents would already have been on the phone with social services, calling to return the children that hadn't been the little balls of sunshine they'd wanted.

She cried for Jenna, who was still interred in the cold hard ground, a truth she couldn't change.

She cried for this baby, the product of a night she wanted to forget, a truth she couldn't face.

Worst of all, Sam cried for Brooke, the woman who regardless of her terrible behavior was still putting up with her. She'd hurt Brooke as planned to make her uninvolved _now_ but Sam knew how that it didn't mean she'd stop worrying or that the pregnancy would magically disappear.

That was truth she just couldn't admit.

***

Around seven, Sam found the courage to emerge from her bedroom. She drifted slowly into the living room where Brooke was sitting on the couch lost in a book and wandered around the side of the couch, waiting as if she needed permission to speak.

She'd done all of this so discreetly that Brooke didn't notice Sam's presence right away. When she glanced up, the hurt was still fresh in her eyes and Sam nearly looked away.

Brooke set her book on her lap and waited for Sam to say something, but she couldn't seem to string together a set of words into a coherent sentence so she stood there with her mouth open and words refusing to come out. "What time does Haley need you tonight?" Brooke asked when she was tired of waiting.

"Eight," Sam managed to reply.

"Do you want to walk or do you need a ride?"

For convenience's sake, walking would save them both a whole lot of pain after the explosion. "I can walk," she offered as if providing them both with a way out. But then remembering the frigid temperatures, Sam reconsidered, "but I mean if you wanted to drive me that'd be okay too."

A soft smile flashed over Brooke's face. "I can do that."

"Okay," Sam replied slowly. She turned to head back to her room, as something Haley had said earlier began running through her head_. "Whatever you're hiding from, it shouldn't be us." _She looked at Brooke, who'd immediately become engrossed in the book she was reading. Or maybe she was just ignoring the tense atmosphere that was cluttered around them, Sam wasn't sure. She knew enough about Brooke to know that her anger sometimes concealed whatever she was really feeling, especially when she wasn't in the mood to confront those feelings.

_Guiltily, Sam could still remember the night she'd ruined Peyton's wedding dress and been sent to Brooke's room so that she couldn't escape again, when ironically it'd been all she'd wanted to do in the first place. She could vividly recollect lying on her stomach with her head buried in her arms, crying so hard she thought she might implode and absolutely certain that even though Brooke had said otherwise, Sam was going to be thrown out._

_Without even trying to, she'd heard Brooke and Haley discussing what had occurred that night when Haley had come to pick up Jamie and Haley apologizing –for thrusting Sam into Brooke's reluctant possession? Sam was never really sure— and for the first time in her life, she'd felt sorry for what she'd done. Hurting a foster parent had never hurt __**her**__ too, until now._

_It'd seemed like hours until Brooke finally came into her room and Sam supposed that was because Brooke was probably avoiding her. When Sam heard the door click open she picked up her head, clogged from crying, and stared at her as if she were going to speak but her eyes had said more than her words ever could._

_"I know you're sorry Sam," Brooke had told her, softening a little, "but right now, I'm just angry."_

_Sam nodded and then resumed crying simply because she hadn't known what else to do and she couldn't bring herself to watch Brooke moving around and feel the anger radiating off her._

_After what seemed like forever her eyes finally grew heavy and just as she was drifting off Brooke had surprised her by sitting down beside her on the bed and rubbing her back. She'd immediately snapped up like she'd been slapped and Brooke had jerked back, realizing that Sam was reacting only to how she'd become accustomed to in her life whenever she acted out. _

_"Sam," Brooke had said, "Anger aside, I'm not going to kick you out and I'm not going to hit you for what you did. Think of all that stuff as the past now okay?" Her voice had been utter seriousness and Sam had nodded again, dumbfounded at how well Brooke read her. "Just remember something for me, anger doesn't last forever."_

_Sam couldn't remember what had possessed her to do it, but she'd hugged Brooke then. That had been another first, the first time she'd come in physical contact with one of her foster parents willingly. And even though Brooke had been angry, she hadn't pushed Sam away. Instead, she'd hugged her back like any real mother would._

_"Go to sleep Sam," she'd whispered and eventually Sam had._

_But it was still scary that she'd been reminded of her real mother._

Thinking of this now, she stood there still and decided that after what Brooke had done for her, it was time to give her the chance to do what she'd said she'd do and be there for Sam.

"I was eight."

They were three words but the pierced the air like an arrow. The book was an unimportant hobby instantly, set down at her side. "What?" Brooke asked.

Sam curved around the side of the couch and dropped next to Brooke, taking a deep breath and seeing that she had her foster mother's full attention. "You asked me…what happened and why I don't trust anyone or let myself get too close," she clarified, twisting a piece of her shirt around her finger. "I was eight years old when my parents died."

Pausing, Brooke sat up, clearly taken aback by what she'd heard. "I'm sorry, honey."

"So am I," Sam admitted, biting her lower lip. "They were really the only real family I ever had until well…until you came along I guess."

"You consider me family?" There was joy lit like a candle in her eyes. Shyly, Sam bobbed her head up and down. "You've never told me that before."

Sam shrugged, as if this had been the simplest sentence in the world. "I assumed you knew on some level."

Brooke laid her hand on Sam's, inching closer to her. "I think, on some level, I did. Go on."

It seemed a little unnerving, but she'd already taken the path and couldn't go anywhere but forward, so she headed into the forest of memories. "My parent didn't tell me I was adopted right away. I figured it out one day when I was five because I looked nothing like Dan and Jenna, it was clear as day."

"Dan and Jenna?"

"My brother and my sister."

Brooke perked up a little; she'd only ever been able to picture Sam as an only child, but the thought of two more lives that were potentially going to be affected pulled at her heartstrings. More pain, more loss.

"Even after they told me, it was never really any different to me. I was just like my siblings, you know, just without the genes to prove it. Blood didn't matter; even though I wasn't technically _theirs_, I still considered them _mine_."

Karen wasn't a distant thought in Brooke's mind as Sam said that. "Oh sweetie, I get that," she replied empathetically, and then gently added, "What happened?"

"My dad always insisted we drive to and from Florida every vacation because my mom was afraid of planes. We'd been in the car on our way home for hours, it was pretty late. All I can remember is that we were playing the license plate game. Florida, New York, Oregon, Rhode Island, and then New Jersey came soaring right at us and sent our car off the highway. It rolled three times, like the world was spinning, and we landed in the woods.

"Dan was 2 years older than me; we fought over everything you could imagine; who got the last chocolate from the candy dish, whose turn it was to empty the dishwater, who opened the first present on Christmas morning, all the usual things. But for some reason, who got the middle seat in the car was always the big thing." Sam picked her head up, her eyes filled with a puddle of tears. "I was so angry when he won that day that I threw a fit. Our parents made him trade with me to shut me up. When the car hit the tree it hit it from the side, he was crushed. If I didn't been such a brat it would have been me. God, it_ should_ have been me!"

"Don't say that," Brooke said, shifting forward.

"It should have!" Sam cried back. "That's why I got such bad foster homes. It was karma for killing our brother, I must have deserved it or why else would Jenna and I had to suffer."

Rarely did Sam ever throw tantrums; that had been a luxury she'd been able to have only when she had been living with families that wouldn't punish her violently for acting out. So it was comforting to know that when she began to lose it that Brooke was right there, calmly wrapping Sam in her arms.

"Ssh," she soothed her as she'd done what felt like so many times over the past week. "You didn't deserve anything like that, Sam. Being 8 years old and fighting over a seat in a car doesn't mean that what happened to your brother should have happened to you." Letting Sam out of the hug so she could see her eyes, Brooke continued, "I don't know what you went through in those foster homes but I can tell you that no one deserves that and there's no blame to be placed on anyone except for those families for what may have happened to you," she trailed off, "or Jenna possibly?"

Sam stiffened, running her fingers through her hair nervously. "How'd you know?"

Tenderly, Brooke reached for Sam again, "It was written all over your face, sweetie." _Just hopefully not in permanent ink,_ Brooke hoped. She needed to erase Sam's guilt now or it'd be a problem forever.

Still, Sam was gazing off into space.

_"Sammy?"_

_The five-year-old head peeked up from under the sheet and poked around the dark. Jenna untangled herself from the blankets and felt her way across the dark hospital room to where her sister was sound asleep. _

_"Sammy!!" Jenna cried again, now increasingly frightened. Her sister awoke with a start, jumping up in bed and instantly regretting it as she was hit in the face with a stream of vertigo._

_Sam moaned. "Jenna?" she asked drearily. "What are you doing out of bed?"_

_"Where are mommy and daddy?" The question was a tangent from Sam's, a straightforward pleading to have her sister tell her that the past 24 hours had been one giant nightmare. But the little girl didn't have a response; instead she stared at her younger sister and let the silence speak for both of them. "I want mommy," Jenna demanded again, but Sam wasn't paying attention to her anymore. She was staring at the fresh casts on her arm and leg, wrapped securely around the broken bones to protect them from any harm._

_Bowing her head, Sam exhaled sharply. Jenna couldn't understand, her mind wouldn't allow it. Maybe she could find a cast to wrap around the two of them, a shield from the turmoil and pain coming their way._

_A shield from the biggest hurt of all: loss._

When the scene around Sam was Brooke's living room again, she realized she was in her foster mother's grasp; a place as safe as is was scary. She wasn't ready to spill so much to the point where news of the pregnancy came with it.

She focused on Brooke now, who was waiting worriedly for her to come back to Earth.

"Jenna's dead," Sam declared. Brooke nodded but didn't interrupt; she wanted to hear the whole story. "There was a party; one of those really important ones that the whole school goes to. I don't know how I got invited, but it was big and I really wanted to go. The foster parent I was living with at the time was a spiteful jerk who never wanted to see Jenna or me happy. I knew he'd never let me go—"

"So you snuck out," Brooke concluded, remembering the time she'd snuck home late when she'd been living in Karen's residence and been grounded, although she knew Sam's punishment was far more severe.

The grimace on Sam's face indicated a yes. "I told Jenna to cover for me and if worse came to worse I figured he'd just beat me for it later. Nothing ever happened though, I just came home and went back to bed and I thought I'd gotten lucky." Sam stopped to wipe her face and Brooke prepared herself for what was coming. "I came home one day a few weeks later and she was sitting there crying and I didn't know why. All she said was that he was going to kill her. And Brooke," Sam stopped, choking on her tears, "she was right."

"Oh, god," Brooke was already reaching for Sam but she pulled away.

"No!" she recoiled, "I was supposed to protect her Brooke. Maybe the crash wasn't my fault; maybe I couldn't have saved Dan, but _Jenna? _She was my baby sister, she was the only person I'd ever been able to trust, the one person that stood by me no matter how stupid I was or what mess I got into. And I couldn't stop him from…" Sam nearly gagged. "I couldn't stop him from_ raping_ her."

It was a sick and twisted world they lived in. Sam doubled over, sobbing. Why did it feel like that was all she ever did these days? "Sam—"

"Brooke, there's nothing you can say to change this. Nothing. She didn't even tell me what he'd done to her. I thought I'd gotten off lucky, but he got her pregnant. She was twelve years old and she was pregnant and all she asked me to do for her after everything was to stop him from hurting her more than he already had. Those were her last words before he found us, Brooke, to stop him." Her mascara was in streaks down her face, "I couldn't even do that."

And what Sam didn't say was _I had it coming when __**Xavier**__ raped __**me**__._

The scene filled her mind; the fresh stab wound on her sister's body that they'd tried to cover but was still there, a gaping hole. Sam closed her eyes and tried to shake it away.

Brooke gathered Sam into her arms again and rocked her like she'd done with Angie what seemed like forever ago now. "When did this happen?" she asked.

"Probably three weeks before I was in your store stealing that shirt."

"I'm so sorry for all of this," Brooke said as she held Sam. "No one ever needs to see those things in your life; I wish I could help you take it all back. But what you said about Jenna, don't let her be the only one you trust, because I'm not going anywhere either."

She wasn't, Sam figured out now, or she would have been gone before the story began.

Curling a stray piece of Sam's hair behind her ear, Brooke looked her straight in the eye. "It's not your fault, Sam. If anything, I blame the agency that placed you two with that…monster."

_My thoughts exactly: monster. _Sam looked at Brooke, "I still can't believe that just like that, she was gone."

"I know. But sometimes bad things just happen with no rhyme or reason to them and we can't control them, but that doesn't mean it's our fault. Like the attack, Peyton told me you kind of shrunk away a couple days ago when she brought that up. You know I don't blame you for any of that, right?"

"Right," Sam mimicked, but unsureness of her voice told a different tale. Brooke gave her a doubtful stare and Sam renounced, "but you should."

Brooke sighed, but gave Sam the benefit of the doubt. "Why?"

"Because maybe if I hadn't said such stupid things he wouldn't have attacked you. You've been so nice to me when you didn't even have to be. I never really wanted to hurt you Brooke; you're probably the biggest gift I've ever gotten in my life. You _are _different than everyone else and I'm really sorry."

"Sam, teenagers say and do stupid things, it's pretty much coded in your DNA. I did too, but what you say and do now doesn't have to affect you forever, sweetie. Don't like your life by what could have happen with the crash, with Jenna or with me, okay? Because what happened with Xavier brought us closer in a way, didn't it? It made me realize how important you really were to me too, versus a company I didn't even care about. I'd do it all again."

"Really?" Sam looked stunned.

"Yes, really. That terrible night was only a small fraction in proportion to what followed it."

Sam settled into Brooke's arms, finding herself feeling so much better now that she'd shared some of her past with Brooke, even though it wasn't the main thing on her plate. "I love you, Brooke."

It wasn't a surprise to either of them; despite that it was the first time Sam had said it aloud. "I love you too, Sam."

They stayed there like that for some time, a sense of normality looming over them and a little bit of relief before Brooke finally remembered Haley. "You have to go get ready, don't you?"

Sam turned too, and then looked at Brooke as if she was just now realized it. "I'm watching Jamie tonight."

"Go wash that mascara off your face and put on something that's not soaked with snow, okay? Be ready in ten or Haley's going to maim both of us." A tight smile formed on Sam's face and she obeyed, making off towards her bedroom as Brooke watched her go, well aware that her past wasn't the only thing haunting her but knowing that if they'd gotten through this, then hopefully the next secret wasn't too far behind.

***

Peyton was in the middle of paperwork when Haley came to greet her.

"Hey there," she waved from the doorway. "Busy?"

"Nah," Peyton said, not needing to look up to recognize Haley's voice. She straightened a stack of files and put them to the side of her desk. "What are you doing here so dressed up?"

"I needed a nice night off with my husband so I stuck Sam with the kid and Nathan and I decided to come here so we could see the fabulous stylings of Mia Cattalano. Anyway, Chase said you were all cooped up in here, I was wondering if you wanted to come out and join us?"

At the offer, Peyton smiled. "I'd love to, Haley but I have so much to do. I've got to get the stuff to send Mia's new demo in and I've got a couple of tracks from potential clients to listen to. Besides, why would I want to interrupt your fabulous night with Nathan?"

"While he's over there shooting hoops in the arcade?" Haley laughed, "As if."

"Once a basketball player, always a basketball player," Peyton agreed. "I'll be out to see Mia perform in a little bit, we can chat then if you want. Until then, you go spend some time with Nathan; I wish I could get a spare night with Luke."

Haley frowned, "the movie's been keeping him busy, huh?"

"He made all the casting plans and such but there's still so much for him to do, I just don't know how to tell him that I'm lonely," Peyton admitted, looking somewhat forlorn as she said it.

Haley stepped further in the doorway now, concerned. "Just tell him what you just told me. He's a husband and father first, and a movie consultant later, he'll understand. And if you need anything, you have Brooke and Nathan and I, as you already know."

"Thanks Hales," Peyton said, standing up to give Haley a hug. "I appreciate it. But I have another question for you."

"Yeah?"

"You said you had Sam watching Jamie tonight, how is she?"

"Sam? That seems to be the million dollar question lately, doesn't it?" Haley sighed. "I'm not sure Peyton, I've tried countless time to get her to open up as has Brooke and it's just not happening right now. I'm not sure if she doesn't want to or if she just mentally can't right now with whatever's going on."

"She got really…distant when I brought up the whole Xavier situation and then just as I thought she might say something about why she got sick again. Brooke says she's barely been eating anything except for random things at random times, I'm wondering if maybe she has some sort of an eating disorder. It would explain most of her behaviors."

Haley tried to piece together what she knew but couldn't find a solution. "It would, but not everything. Well I guess we'll have to keep trying for now and eventually something will get through, right?"

"I sure hope so," Peyton concurred."For now, just go have fun with your man, the Sam problems will be there tomorrow and for now we can't really do anything without forcing her into talking, which we both know won't work." She waved Haley off, "No worrying, that's an order."

Laughing, Haley ambled over to the doorway. "Yes ma'am. I'll see you when Mia performs?"

"Sure will," Peyton resolved and just before Haley was almost out of earshot she remembered. "Hey Haley?" she called and the woman stuck her head back in the doorway. "Speaking of Mia, she was here the other day when I brought Sam to see the auditions and the two of them must have had some sort of meaningful conversation because Sam perked up a little bit afterwards. Maybe she told Mia something she's not telling us, you should ask her."

Haley looked grateful, another inch of hope. "I just might do that."

***

Jamie was gallivanting around the household, engrossed in a game of tag with Sam. She was exhausted, but if she showed it in front of Jamie, he might say something to Haley before Sam could tell her herself what was going on, so she put up with the game.

He flew over the couch and landed on top of her, a bomb falling into her lap. "I got you!"

Sam resisted the urge to gasp as he collided on her stomach. "Damn, you're good," she replied meekly, trying to subtly push him off. "But how about a new game? I'm bored with this."

"Okay," Jamie agreed: how easy it was with a five-year-old. "Let's have a party!"

"Let's not. Last time we did that I didn't see daylight for weeks." Sam pretended to be struck with an idea, "how about going to bed?"

"Sam" Jamie crossed his arms, offended that she might think he was going to fall for her tricks on the first try. "You're going to have to go better than that. At least make it so it's not even half as obvious that you're tricking me."

In spite of herself, Sam laughed. "Dude, you're learning way too much from me."

"That's what Mama says too."

At the mention of Haley, Sam quieted. She thought of a she could play but still be as little devoted to as humanely possible. The lightbulb went off. "All right, how about hide and seek." It was perfect, exactly what she felt like doing right now, hiding. "I'll go first. You count to 1000 and then come find me."

"1000?" Jamie's jaw dropped. "I don't think so! That's five times what I'd give even the worst hide and seek player!" He stared her down in the way only a five year old could. "100 seconds is all you get."

"500," Sam bargained.

"200," Jamie finally settled, "But that's my final offer and it better be a good hiding spot."

"Deal." They shook hands to make it official and Sam was astounded how you set life in limits; the amount of time before she would be found out, in both hide and seek and real life. Jamie covered his eyes with his eyes and she went to find a hiding spot that maybe if she stayed there long enough, she might disappear.

From playing with Jenna as a kid she knew that beds were obvious, roomy cabinets were common and closets were the first places anyone looked. But as she approached Jamie's closet she saw the disaster it was with scattered animals and cars as well clothing fallen from hangers. She climbed inside, listening as Jamie cleared through the last 100 seconds and squished herself in the back, underneath clothing long forgotten.

When she heard footsteps, Sam slid further into Jamie's closet, masked by his clothes and toys. She stayed absolutely still as he peeked in and was satisfied that she wasn't there and then headed off into another room to search some more.

Squeezing her eyes shut and leaning her head against the wall, Sam breathed a sigh of relief. Would she be doing this six years from now, playing hide and seek with her own kid? That seemed like a reality too hard to imagine.

Either way, she wished she could stay frozen in time forever, hiding from everything that scared her the most.

***

Haley could hear Mia on the phone before she entered the bathroom. Her voice was shrill and impatient, much as it had been the night of her first performance at TRIC. Thinking that tonight's show was the cause of her distress, she entered the bathroom looking to give Mia some advice, but then heard who she was talking to.

"Sam?" she yelled, covering her free ear in hopes to hear Sam more clearly. "Sam!" she cried louder, oblivious to Haley's presence. "Calm down, I told you, no one knows anything."

She paused to listen to whatever Sam had to say, back still turned while Haley waited. So what if eavesdropping wasn't polite? Being worried overruled that, Haley told herself.

"Dude, if you keep having cramps like this there may not be a secret like that to keep anymore so I suggest a doctor, soon." She waits again. "You keep saying you're going to tell Haley, but you still haven't. Sam, just look at Jamie a minute for me. She'll understand."

Haley stiffens at the mention of her name. She becomes confused at the mention of Jamie's and then it becomes clear. Peyton's voice slingshots back into her head. _"Brooke says she's barely been eating anything except for random things at random times." _Cramps, Jamie, the constant throwing up, and the faltering appetite; together they all made perfect sense. If this were a game of Clue, Haley would have been the winner.

She grabbed the handle of the door and pulled it open again so that the slamming of the door would alert Mia that she wasn't alone. When Mia looked back to see Haley standing there, pretending to be fumbling through her purse, she went wide-eyed. "Ah, hey, I've got to go, I'll call you later."

"Who was that?" Haley asked as she hung up the phone.

"Just a friend from the tour," Mia lied nervously.

"Ohh," Haley said, acting like she was buying into this. "A_ guy _friend per chance?"

"You caught me," Mia played along, holding her hands up in surrender. "Listen, I've got a performance for a whole lot of guys to go get ready for. Were you looking to chat or something?"

"No, I'll just catch you after the performance." Haley made her way towards the bathroom stall and Mia took that as a sign she was safe, walking out.

Mia had already answered all her questions.

***

"Mama gets mad when I have too much sugar before bed."

Jamie said this while taking a fifth scoop from the ice cream carton, a treat as rare as the holidays, just so that if Haley happened to come home at that very moment he could at least say he'd tried to tell Sam otherwise.

"Good thing your Mom isn't here then," Sam supplied, putting the lid back on the container and shoving it in the freezer. "Don't worry; even if she did happen to come home I'll just say that I was desperately craving some ice cream and how rude it would be not to share." She sprinkled some mini m&ms onto his frozen treat, "right?"

"Right," Jamie smiled, hopping off the chair and following Sam into the living room, plopping down next to her on the couch. "So why's Mama worrying about you so much?" Sam looked at him curiously, "I heard her talking to Daddy about you and she said you were acting different. You don't seem different to me."

"Adults see the world from a whole different perspective Jamie. When one thing falls out of place they immediately assume something's wrong, even when it's not."

Jamie considered this and shoved a spoonful of ice cream down his throat. "But why would Mama worry so much unless you really weren't okay?" He seemed a little worried by this, like mother like son.

"Because…" Sam broke off, trying to think of an answer that would satisfy Jamie. Because Haley cared? Because she wanted to make sure Sam was really all right like she said she was? Because above all, something was wrong? "I guess your Mama's pretty smart, Jamie, because maybe I lied and something isn't going how I planned."

Why she felt comfortable admitting this to a 5-year-old, Sam couldn't comprehend.

"You should tell her then." As if it was that simple. He scraped the spoon against the bowl, raising a ball of ice cream to his mouth and chomping into it. "So she can stop worrying."

If Sam told Haley, those worries might stop, but then there'd be a new set of concerns to follow. She ruffled Jamie's hair and turned on the TV to distract him. "I wish it were that easy, kid."

***

She wanted to leave while Mia was performing, like it might get her a jump start, but Mia would have instantly picked up that Haley had heard more than she was letting on and Sam would be out the door the minute Haley was home. So she waited, enjoyed a night with Nathan, and tried to pretend she wasn't scared for Sam.

When she and Nathan finally walked in the door, Sam was passed out on the couch.

"Nice to see our babysitting money going to such a good cause," Nathan joked.

"Look." Sam's arm was wrapped protectively around her stomach; Haley wondered if she'd even meant to do that or if it'd been by instinct. "I was hoping to God I wasn't right about this."

Nathan could see the worry professed in Haley's eyes; she'd wanted so much for Sam and this wasn't on the list. He draped an arm over his shoulders, "At least she's_ here_ with someone who understands."

"What am I going to tell Brooke…" Haley felt tears sting her eyes. "Or rather, how is she going to tell her?"

"You know Brooke," Nathan reassured her, "She may freak at first, but she'll come through for Sam like she comes through for everyone else." He kissed her, remembering a time not so long ago when she's been in Sam's place, "All you can do is listen and be there, she's lucky to have you."

"You're such a sweet-talker," Haley murmured back as she gave him an appreciative hug.

"And you're a great friend to Sam." Nathan gestured to Sam. "Don't let her forget it." He started towards the hallway leading to Jamie's room. "I'll go check on Jamie, you check on Sam."

He was gone a minute later and Haley, who knew how to deal with every bad situation dropped at her feet, was rendered speechless. Something about Sam had always made her sympathetic; the life she grew up with, the people that had betrayed her. Even when Sam rebelled she'd been determined not to give up hope because she'd known that somewhere deep inside Sam was a completely different girl that needed her.

She sighed and sat down on the empty space next to Sam much as she'd done that day in the nurse's office and ran her hand over Sam's head, smoothing her hair.

Sam slowly came to, upon remembering she was still at Haley and Nathan's, jumped. "Oh my god," she noticed Haley, "oh my god, Jamie—"

"Is asleep in bed right where you left him," Haley assured her. "What's going on, Sam?"

By now, Sam was a master at feigning confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I've had you babysit Jamie a million times and you've never fallen asleep on me before. "

"It was a long week at school," Sam passed it off, getting to her feet and grabbing her bag, "I'm sorry Haley, I won't do that again." Haley looked like she was going to say something so Sam kept talking, "I really am sorry, I've just had a lot on my plate to deal with and I guess I didn't realize how tired I was."

Sam's hand was around the doorknob like Mia's at TRIC when Haley repeated. "A lot on your plate, you mean possibly like being pregnant?"

It was like time had stood still. Sam froze and then when she had grasped that she had heard Haley correctly, she slowly turned to face her. "What?"

Haley folded her hands in her lap. "I know that you're pregnant."

Instantly, her mind floated to Mia. Mia wouldn't betray her like that, she was sure of it. But how else could Haley possibly known. "Haley, I don't know where you're getting your information from but your sources are definitely mixing up fiction with fact," she lied, backing towards the door. "It's not true."

"It is true," Haley rose to her feet, "you're proving that to me right now." Sam stared at her, eyes glazed over in horror. "I walked into the bathroom when you were on the phone with Mia so don't blame her. She probably didn't even know I was at TRIC and she definitely doesn't know I heard the conversation. From what I heard though, it sounded like you were going to tell me, which is a good start."

Suddenly, Sam felt like she couldn't breathe. She stared at Haley but all she could hear was the pounding of her heart and she was sure she was beginning to sweat. Advancing to the door, Sam flew down the steps and into the darkness, panting so hard against the cold air she almost blacked out.

Haley was, of course, following her, and losing in the race. But up ahead she was nearly thankful when Sam tripped or she wouldn't have caught up with her. She watched the teen plunge into the snow and the sit there motionless. "Sam!" she called after her, sinking beside her. "What's going on?"

"Haley—" she panted, "I can't, I can't tell Brooke yet."

"Okay," Haley replied. It was snowing and they were both shivering but Sam was rooted to her spot, afraid to move. "Honey, what happened?" Sam had begun to weep again. "It's okay, you can trust me."

"I was…" she stopped, stared at Haley, "I was raped Haley. He did this to me. The one that killed Quinten, he's the father of this thing growing inside of me and it's not okay and it's never going to be again because I don't know what to do. And I'm scared; I'm honestly more scared than I've ever been in my life. I need help Haley," she finally let the shield crumble; "I'm asking you for help."

All around them the snow came down. Haley helped Sam to her feet, pulled her tight and began to walk the two of them back to her home. She wanted to tell Sam not to be scared, but that would have been hypocritical. So she didn't, and when Sam clung to her like a child she just assumed her motherly stance and led them both where they needed to go.

"I'll take care of you," she whispered, "and so will Brooke. I promise.

**Crazy, right? There's more to come but you have to review first. Suggestions? I'm taking them, I've already gotten a few that I plan to try to incorporate. Praise? I love to hear it! Criticism? It makes my work better. Thanks for getting me this far!**


	7. 6: Answer

**Disclaimer: **If I owned OTH, we would not be waiting a month until the next episode, *sigh*….

**Author's Note: **This chapter was originally supposed to have a couple Brulian scenes but I needed to get this chapter done tonight so I left them out and I'll just add them next chapter (there's always time for my favorite couple!!). So this is pretty much Sam/Haley, which I think is good because it's exploring the relationship I think they could definitely have on the show. Expect Sam scenes with Julian and Nathan soon (because I think the show should do a little Sam/Nathan interaction, don't you guys?) and some Brooke/Haley interaction. Peyton will get thrown into the mix as well as Mia, Jamie, and Luke somewhere (not sure where yet). Brooke is not far off from knowing but of course it's never that simple and neither is Sam's pregnancy. More problems? Don't be surprised! I'll be in New York with my family from Friday-Monday and probably unable to write seeing as I don't own a laptop. So don't expect an update within the week, I will try very hard to have you another chapter by this time next week but I can't guarantee it. Thank you once again for all the incredible reviews, especially to my regulars who always have a little advice and praise for me!

**Setting: **January 2009

_I will be the answer  
At the end of the line  
I will be there for you  
While you take the time  
In the burning of uncertainty  
I will be your solid ground  
I will hold the balance  
If you can't look down_

If it takes my whole life  
I won't break, I won't bend  
It will all be worth it  
Worth it in the end

**- Sarah McLachlan**

_"Sammy? Do you think God chooses the people who die and who live?"_

_Samantha, eleven, looked up from her homework to find Jenna watching her. She swore that Jenna could come up with the weirdest questions, and today of all days she wasn't in the mood to answer this particular one._

_"Don't you have homework to do?" was Sam's only answer, the words laced in anger. _

_"No." Jenna sat up and looked through the glass of their second floor window, watching a mother teaching a young girl to ride her bike. She sighed, "Mommy never taught me how to ride a bike." _

_As the big sister, Sam was sick of being the encourager. She let her pencil fall from her grasp and roll off the desk, her eyes boring in the back of her sister's head filled with intense frustration. She wanted to tell Jenna to stop being selfish and get over it already, because Mommy wasn't coming back to teach her how to ride a bike or to be their scout leader or take them to prom –like they would even go to prom now anyway--. But how could she ever do that when Jenna was in so much pain?_

_Did it even matter that her heart was breaking too?_

_Suppressing the scream that was rising from the pit of her stomach and creeping up her throat, Sam crossed the bedroom and fell into place behind Jenna, pulling her gently close as they watched the child struggle so hard at first, and then peddle like it'd been nothing all along._

_Sam didn't much believe in God, it was hard to have faith in someone who was supposed to do good but only caused them so much pain. But they'd regularly attended church with their parents, so Jenna was still a believer._

_When Jenna spoke it was a whisper like wind, so quiet that Sam almost missed it, but she could still feel it hitting her hard. "Why did God take them away from us?"_

_"Because he knew we were strong enough to handle it." _

_This was a lie and both girls knew it. The little child flew into the eyes of her mother, the fit of two puzzle pieces, while Sam and Jenna watched from what seemed like a million miles away. "Happy birthday mommy."_

_Sam hugged Jenna closer. When it came down to it all, they didn't feel strong at all; they'd simply been the ones unlucky enough to get left behind._

***

Why did being a mother mean all she did was worry?

Someone should have warned Brooke that the rest of her life would be entranced with concerns over Sam's well being. Not that it would have made any difference, but she might have liked to be more prepared.

It wasn't long after eleven when the phone rang, the phone Brooke had been trying not to watch for an hour now. She trusted Sam, but the paranoia that had suddenly blossomed as she and Sam grew closer made Brooke a little uneasy. Sam had just been crying her eyes out on her couch a few hours ago and something was still wrong. Having her daughter at arm's length would be a relief just because Sam would be _there_ and she could help.

She reached for the received and brought it to her ear. "Hello?" Not too jumpy, so she would not alert Sam to the fact that she'd been waiting for her to call.

Imagine Brooke's surprise when Haley was the voice on the other end.

"Hey Brooke," she replied cheerfully. "So Sam is passed out on the couch and I really don't want to wake her up. Considering how late it is, maybe it's just better she stayed the night?"

Brooke's brow furrowed with worry. "She fell asleep watching Jamie?"

"I know, that's what I said too. But everything's okay here and you know Jamie would love to have his newest best friend to hang out with tomorrow for a little bit. So what do you say?"

The mother in Brooke was already saying no, but her sensible side was forcing her to rethink that. Haley was responsible and a mother as well. If she could take care of Jamie, Sam would be a breeze.

"All right," she conceded. "But Haley…she has had a nightmare every night for the past week. And I can guarantee you that if you try to calm her down she's probably going to push you away. Just don't let her be alone."

"Got it," Haley noted, a smile drawing a line on her face. "You turn more and more into a mother every day."

"Yeah, I know, blame it on Sam."

Brooke hung up the phone feeling a little better, though she couldn't shake the nagging feeling that maybe Haley knew something she didn't. She shrugged, burying her head back into the book and trying not to take notice of how quiet the house had become all of the sudden.

Meanwhile, Haley put down the cordless on the table adjacent to them, turning back to Sam who was watching her intently. "I definitely don't like lying to Brooke like that." Seeing that Sam's lip was already quivering, Haley immediately regretted this. She could sense that the teens overwhelmed and instead of risking pushing her over the edge, Haley changed her attitude. "Come here," she said, summoning Sam into her arms. Hesitant at first, Sam stared at Haley, "it's okay, I'm not mad, just worried about you," she promised, so Sam wilted into her arms.

"I'm…sorry…Haley," Sam blubbered, her words stifled.

"Sam," Haley said seriously, "try to calm down for me. I'm not mad at you, I'm glad I found out. But listen to me honey, you really need some help. Did I hear Mia say something about cramps?"

Sorrowfully, she nodded. "Mia told me to go to a doctor, but I can't go without Brooke finding out and I'm not ready for her to know yet Haley I'm just not. Because if she knows then she's going to freak and –"

Sam began to cough having worked herself up and Haley took that time to place both hands on her shoulders, meeting her at eye level. "And what? Do you think she's going to kick you out?" The question was rhetorical but when Sam responded with a small whimper Haley realized she'd hit the nail on the head. "Oh, Sam that's ridiculous. Why would you ever think that?"

"I'm a slut," she replied, caught up in her own tears. "I'm a slut, Haley."

Haley didn't know that Sam's skin burned when she remembered that night, that sometimes she still shuddered when someone was suddenly right behind her. Her mind repeated each horrific word his raspy voice had muttered until it'd wrought her body with the agonizing pain she'd felt. And every time she thought about touching a boy her hand shook and she could feel tears welling up in her eyes. Sam knew why she cried so often and why she couldn't trust Brooke. She was a slut; Xavier had convinced her of this.

Thankfully, Haley didn't let go of her. "Samantha…" Haley could feel her voice catching in her throat. "Honey, we need to get you some help."

"Brooke's going to kill me," Sam reiterated, and then again, "I'm such a slut."

"No you're not," Haley persisted in a resolute manner. "You are not a slut. You may think so because that's probably what that bastard told you, but you didn't do anything wrong! Rape is not your fault, never, you hear me?" Her eyes met Sam's to see if she was still listening. "Brooke would never kick you out over that! You know what she'd do if you told her? She do exactly what I am right now: she'd comfort you, and get you some help so that you can be ready nine months from now. And so you can move on from what happened." She stopped a minute, taking a deep breath. "You need to tell her."

Sam nodded, though Haley wasn't sure she fully understood.

She sat the two of them up, wrapping Sam in a blanket to ease her shivering and then deciding that she was no longer able to dance around the topic. "I'm going to take you to a clinic tomorrow morning."

Instantly, Sam jumped, "You can't—"

"You came to me for help, Sam, and the first thing to do in a pregnancy is to get checked out by a doctor. It's nothing invasive, a simple ultrasound to make sure all is right. Cramps can be common but sometimes they can also be the signal for complications," she said gently. "And then maybe, if you wanted, I could bring you to talk to a professional you can start getting closure with the rape."

"I really don't want to go to therapy," Sam confessed. "I can just talk to you instead."

Haley sighed, but if Sam was acquiescing to a doctor's appointment, she wasn't going to pressure her into more than she was ready for yet. "All right. But if you need to talk, I want you to come to me. None of this worry that I'll judge you or be angry with you for what you have to say. That goes for always."

"Okay," Sam agreed. "What about Brooke?"

"We'll talk about that another time. I'm not condoning your keeping this from her, but if it's going to take a few days to get up the courage to tell her, I can understand that. It took me awhile to tell Nathan I was pregnant with Jamie too." She winked and Sam felt herself smiling a little too.

"Yeah, you're not kidding!" They both turned to see Nathan appear from the hallway, a goofy grin on his face. "I think everyone in the school knew before I did, although they all thought it was Brooke instead of Haley."

A giggle escaped from Sam's lips, "_What?_"

Haley rolled her eyes as Nathan took a seat on the coffee table opposite them. "Long story short, I was she wasn't and then she made a point of telling the entire school once Nathan finally knew."

"You're holding out of me here, Haley."

"She just doesn't want you going home and asking Brooke for that story or you'll never be aloud over here again!" Nathan smiled at her, and Sam was slightly comforted. She could see how he had allured Haley into loving him. "But in all seriousness, just be gentle with Brooke. She'll freak for about a minute and then once she gets her head you'll be glad you told her."

Sam shied away a little, lowering her eyes. "So I guess you know everything…"

He shrugged, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing on my way back out here. If you need anything—"

"Haley's already covered that multiple times," she replied shyly. As accustomed as Sam had grown to Haley from English and hanging around Brooke she rarely confronted Nathan in any environment, to see him so willing to step up in support of her was new and a little scary. "Thank you."

"No problem," he brushed it off, laying a hand on her shoulder as he got up and walked by. "You'll be in soon, I guess?"

Haley nodded. "Probably."

"Sounds good. Good night, Sam!" As suddenly as he'd appeared Nathan disappeared into his bedroom, leaving Haley and Sam in silence.

Sam felt herself snuggle up against Haley, her eyes drawing closed from exhaustion. "I'm here sweetie, it's okay," Haley soothed. There was nothing left to do now but sleep, talking probably wouldn't get much more out of Sam anyway. Sam let Haley hold her and tried to will herself to sleep, but she couldn't. So she closed her eyes so that Haley might stop worrying.

Long after Haley left, Sam laid awake staring at the ceiling. She read the numbers on the digital clock as they inched closer to 12 o' clock. She thought of Laura, the picture that had once been imprinted in her mind. Would she eventually forget what her mother looked like all together? Would the same happen with Jenna? If she listened loud enough, she could still hear her mother's commands to clean her room, her sister's giggling over a corny joke. There was another reason she hadn't been able to completely trust Brooke. Would that be betraying her mother?

Could a person have two mothers?

"I hope you don't think I'm a failure," she whispered into the blackness. "Happy Birthday, Mamma."

By then the clock already read 12:00. Too late, as always.

***

Sam could easily remember being seven years old and watching Disney Sing-A-Longs with Jenna. They'd perch on the bottom bunk of the double bed they shared and watch Mickey and Minnie sing and dance, twirling around the screen with a dozen kids their age, the kids Sam and Jenna had always vied to be.

There was one particular song that got them up on their feet more than any other and the girls spent countless hours learning the words to 'Main Street U.S.A.' Sam became the master of the remote; every time she or Jenna fudged a line she'd press the magic button and erase their mistake, starting from the beginning.

She wished life came with a remote control, that way if you didn't like the outcome you could keep rewinding until you went back and got it right.

It would certainly save her the humiliating feeling that besieged her now. There were Planned Parenthood posters, laminated sheets of paper professing the importance of birth control, condoms, or plain old waiting in general like spots on the walls. Sam thought this was an ironic place for an idea like that to be plastered; she stopped dead in her tracks as she and Haley strolled through the doorway.

Haley, seeing this, turned to her. "You all right there?"

"Yeah, just peachy," Sam scowled back. She rethought her tone, "I'm sorry, it's not your fault I feel like this."

"Oh no, understood. Pregnancy will induce hormones you never see coming. I turned Nathan into my punching bag a few times, so if you suddenly need to vent feel free too." Sam smiled. "Why don't you go sit down, I'll go talk to the receptionist and see what they can do for you?"

She gave Sam a subtle nudge in the direction of the waiting area and headed towards the desk. Ambling towards the seats, she shoved her hands in her pockets, wondering what Brooke was doing now. It was hard not to believe Brooke wasn't going to come storming through the doors at any minute. Slowly, she fell into one of the plastic chairs; after so long did they mold to fit the bodies of the worried teens that had been here before her?"

The place was fairly barren, with only a few other people scattered about. One of them, shoved into the back corner and looking around nervously, looked about Sam's age. Her noticeable bump gave Sam butterflies.

"First time here?" the teen asked and Sam realized she'd been staring.

"Yeah," she answered nervously, looking to Haley, whose back was still turned.

"It doesn't suck as bad as you think it will," the girl promised. "I'm Natalie, by the way."

"Sam." She fidgeted, her feet drumming on the floor, "Do they look at you like you're a screw-up?" Natalie glanced up and raised an eyebrow for further clarification. "Your parents."

Natalie was rather uncomfortable by this question, Sam could see it in the way she decided to look at the floor instead of her. "My dad's…gone and my mom's an alcoholic, I'm lucky if she's looking at me at all. Honestly, she's sober so little I doubt she'll notice even when it's here." Natalie shrugged; these were no more than the facts of life to her. "You're lucky…having someone like that who cares." She gestured to Haley, "she your mom?"

Mother? No, that was the woman at home that Sam left completely out of the loop. Guilt streamed through her veins, but Sam couldn't say this aloud. "She's one of my mom's best friends," she disclosed, "and believe it or not, my English teacher."

"Ha!" Natalie scoffed, "good idea having some of the faculty on your side now, especially once you start showing. I've been called so many names and had so many pranks pulled on me that I've stopped paying attention." Sam's eyes swelled to the eye of tennis balls and Natalie remembered herself. "I mean…I'm sure your school is different though."

At Tree Hill High, Sam was virtually unknown, the floater that faded into the background on most occasions. She liked that about herself, in high school the last thing anyone needed was to be in the limelight.

"Oh my God."

She jumped to her feet and scampered right back out the door, leaving Natalie behind in the brink of her grave mistake.

"You came in with a teenager right?" the receptionist asked as Haley filled out the forms they'd given her for Sam's chart. She looked up and nodded. "It's kind of hard to have an appointment without the patient."

"What?" When Haley turned, all she saw was the room with one person less. Groaning, she handed the woman the unfinished chart. "I'll be right back."

Her first thought was that there was no teenager more stubborn then Sam, the second reminded her that she was Brooke's daughter after all and the third had her remembering what it was like to be Sam's age and having this sudden responsibility she wasn't sure she was even ready for. In Sam's case, it was ten times worse. She burst through the doors of the clinic, already scanning the roads for what direction she might have gone in.

Haley thought Sam's sudden fleeing was going to be a problem and was already prepared to break into a run. So she was surprised when she rounded the corner and here was a bench adjacent to the building, sheltered from the sun underneath the canopy the roof provided. Sam was sitting there as if she'd been looking not for an escape but just a brief reprieve from reality. Staring absentmindedly, she seemed so far away, Haley was almost afraid to approach Sam and startle her.

Carefully, she sat down next to Sam. "What are you doing?"

"Running away," Sam replied, although it was stupid, because both of them knew she wasn't going anywhere. She had her hands in her lap and was staring at them, as if she were ashamed of her position. "I don't want to do this, Haley."

"See a doctor?"

"Have a baby."

Her voice was so small and young, like a child half her age living in her body. Haley wasn't sure how she was going to convey to Sam that things would get better if she let them. She reached for one of Sam's hands and squeezed it. "We'll take it in steps then okay? Sam, look at me." When Sam did finally look up, all Haley saw was a tortured soul. "Let's just get through one doctor's appointment for now, don't think about 9 months, days or even minutes from now, just focus on what you're doing at this moment or you'll make yourself crazy."

There was a long drawn out silence. "You'll come in with me?"

Haley smiled, leaning forward and placing her free hand on Sam's knee, a motherly instinct if Sam had ever seen one. Maybe she could give Sam lessons. "I won't leave your side," she promised.

***

Uncomfortable.

Why was it that doctor's offices and hospitals always stressed they would do their best to make the patient comfortable? They rarely, if ever, succeeded. It was just a fluke, that's all. Sam shifted positions on the exam table she was lying on. Could the doctor be taking any longer? She was so uncomfortable right now, so she pushed herself up a little higher on the table. "Stop fidgeting," Haley told her with a laugh, crossing the room. "This is just a routine check-up, okay? You're going to get through it."

"Am I completely pathetic for needing you here?" Sam asked completely out of the blue.

"No, not at all," Haley assured her, holding out her hand in suggestion that Sam take it. "Just human."

"Good, don't leave," Sam replied, securing her hand in Haley's and breathing a little easier. "Haley…I'm glad you found out. I don't know if anyone else could have convinced me to do this."

They were both thinking that Brooke could but neither one of them admitted it.

If someone had asked Haley if she'd liked Sam when she'd first met her, she'd have lied. She might have said she did, but the truth was she'd just felt sorry for her. Now, looking into the eyes of the girl she'd brought into Brooke's and her own life, Haley was glad she'd seen past Sam's rebellious exterior. She had great strength, even if she didn't see that.

Haley was about to comment when the door swung open.

Sam bit her lip and pretended not to be nervous when a doctor not much older than Haley entered with a chart in her hands. "Hi there," she said, putting on a tight smile which Haley could see was already wracking Sam with nerves. "I'm Dr. Hanson. You must be Sam," she smiled, trying to be comforting. "I understand you're a little uneasy about all this, but we'll be done before you know it."

She asked questions, Sam's age and how long it'd been since she'd taken the pregnancy test. Sam supposed the woman was protecting her privacy by not right away asking her how she'd ended up expecting, but she could feel the judgment radiating off of her in waves. She thought she knew Sam, everyone did. How could anyone really ever know a 15 year old who didn't even know herself?

The woman spread cold gel on her stomach and Sam swallowed hard. It was just an ultrasound and Sam tried not to freak out, but as she spread her fingers through her hair she couldn't help it.

The was a mesh of black and white on the tiny monitor next to her. Particles of digital picture swimming around one another as Dr. Hanson glided the machine across her stomach. She focused on a little circle that Sam would think was no larger than her fist. "There's your baby," she pointed to the spot on the screen. She couldn't believe it when she saw her. _Her_ baby? In _her_ body?

Her emotions getting the better of her, Sam broke and let the tears fall at a steady pace. Haley squeezed her hand tighter and shot the doctor a worried glance.

"I'll give you a minute," the doctor said politely making her exit.

Haley hopped up on the exam table beside Sam and rubbed her back understandingly. "I know you're scared, sweetie. But I'm going to keep stressing this to you, you're all right and things will work out."

"You don't get it," Sam persisted, sniffling. "Now it's real."

No, Haley didn't get it, but she was trying to. "Then help me understand."

Sam gripped the extra material on her sleeves, trying to get a hold on her own life. She was so sick of crying, eventually there was going to be no water left in her body to cry. She'd shrivel up and die, would that be worse than being pregnant? "Until I saw it there on that screen, I could at least keep trying to pretend I wasn't really pregnant. It wasn't real to me yet, Haley, now I can't escape it." Facing Haley, Sam tried to joke her way around the tears that were glistening on her cheeks. "You and Nathan want another baby?"

Sighing, Haley pulled Sam into an embrace. "You have options," Haley told her, disgusted at how much she sounded like some sort of counselor. "I'm not going anywhere Sam, I promise."

"What should I tell Brooke?" She tilted her head to Haley's, their eyes locking and Haley could see that Sam was probably going to base whatever answer she was given off this. That was the problem, how could any one answer hold so much magnitude? In the spotlight, Haley found herself wordless. She could give Sam a million different answers, but would any of them ever be right one?

**How am I doing? Review! Maybe you can help me reach 100?**


	8. 7: Been A Long Day

**Disclaimer: **Owning One Tree Hill would be nice, don't you think? Too bad I do not.

**Author's Note: **I was very upset thinking I was going to go into this chapter just short of 100 reviews. But this morning I was proved wrong. Yes Tutorgurl you were my 100th reviewer, thanks for that! This morning I had about a page of this chapter written because I barely wrote while in New York (which was amazing), but I was inspired so here we are: chapter 7. There's so much coming, I can't wait to write it! I filled someone's request about a certain character this chapter and it's not the last you'll see of them. People are going to begin finding out and once they know…well let's just say it's not going to be the perfect pregnancy. Keep reading, I'm so glad you love this story as much as I do! (P.S.: Sam/Brooke scenes will be coming within the next few chapters, MAJOR scenes…)

**Setting: **January 2009

_It's been a long day_

_And I just want to hide away_

_It's been a long week_

_And all the lines come down heavy on me_

_It's been a long week_

_I'm finally feeling like it's okay to break_

_into a thousand pieces_

_no one can replace_

_only I can find my way_

_It's been long day_

**-Rosi Golan**

"Sam!!"

At the sight of Sam, Jamie broke into a run.

"Whoa whoa whoa," Haley said, catching him in her arms as he made a beeline towards the teen, who was still slightly shaken from the ultrasound. "James Lucas Scott, I don't think knocking Sam to the ground is a good way to say hello. She's not a football player." Haley laughed, "Try again."

"Okay," he agreed, stopping and holding out his arms. "Hi Sam!"

Sam moved forward and hoisted him into her arms. He was nearly six but still light and easily carried, so she swung him around a few times. "Hey favorite little man, what are you up to?"

"Lunch!" Jamie exclaimed, tripping over his feet as she returned him to Earth. "I'm so dizzy now." Sam nodded; so was she. The black and white swirls of the ultrasound had moved way too quickly for her and her brain was still rushing to recover. Sam pulled herself a stool and sat next to him at the island, where Nathan was busy making grilled cheese. "Mama, how long is Sam staying?"

_Forever_, Sam thought. Haley nearly read her mind, sending her a sympathetic stare.

"She'll be here for a little bit, but you have a play date at Andre's in a little," Haley said, slapping down the finished plate of grilled cheese in front of him. "So eat up!" Haley gave Sam the next sandwich too, knowing that she needed to eat something, but Sam just sat there picking at it, not enticed to eat at all.

"Aren't you hungry, Sam?" Jamie asked with a mouthful of cheese, already reaching for cookies as dessert.

Nathan noticed Sam's reluctant manner towards eating, shot Haley a look. "Hey Sam, how about you and I go out for a little bit after lunch, I may have an idea of something that'll cheer you up."

At this point, Sam would try anything. "Sure."

"But you need to eat something," Haley stressed, walking around the side of the counter and briefly stroking her hair in comfort. She could see how much Sam wasn't hungry, but knew from experience that it would only harm her. Sam look at Haley desperately but she remained firm, so she bit into the grilled cheese and swallowed it.

One bridge of her pregnancy crossed, millions more to og.

He and Haley shared a smiled and went back to cleaning up. She looked to Jamie, who was watching her curiously, as if trying to figure out what everyone was keeping from here. Finally he had something to say.

"Did you tell her?" Jamie whispered, trying to keep small a secret that wouldn't stop growing.

Sam had to giggle at his innocence. "Yep," she whispered back, "and wouldn't you know it, you were right."

"Well duh." He seemed satisfied with himself and bit into a cookie. It cracked in half and plopped into his drink. He laughed and leaned over the counter to inspect it. She and Jamie watched the cookie sinking further into the milk, dissolving piece by piece until eventually there was nothing left. _That's going to be my life,_ Sam thought.

***

Brooke had her head dropped into her hands, her elbows placed on the edge of her work table at the store. She stared at the designs in front of her, the designs for the high school versions of her friends and self that she was scheduled to begin pulling together today. The material was strewn out in categories across the room but Brooke was having trouble focusing on anything at this point.

Millie noticed her stress and had been quietly keeping her nose out Brooke's business since she'd come in, but it wasn't like her to barely say a word at all.

She subtly stood over her boss and tapped her on the shoulder. "Anything I can do?"

Brooke blinked and then laughed, her voice so full of pain. "Yeah, remember when you suggested I be a mom? Maybe we should take that off the list because I apparently suck at it."

Millie frowned, pulling herself a seat at the table. "What's Sam gotten herself into this time?"

"See, that's the thing Millie. I really don't know because she won't tell me. I really thought she trusted me by now, but whatever this is that's bothering her she's not admitting to. And I want to help her Millie, but I don't know how. It's so frustrating to see her slowly falling to pieces." She picked her head up and Millie realized she was crying, "What do I have to do to get her to trust me?"

For as long as she'd known Brooke, Millie had never seen her cry. She'd been the rock, solid and unfaltering, who had been the support Millie needed with any of her problems. But seeing her now, Millie understood just how vulnerable she really was.

Reaching out, she rubbed Brooke's arm and contemplated a good piece of advice in return. "I guess it's like…maybe she's afraid what she has is too good to be true, you know?"

"Me?"

"Yeah. You told me she basically grew up in foster homes. So I mean every time she got something good, she screwed up and it went away. That was always the case, no matter what anything told her."

Trying to follow Millie, Brooke continued for her. "So you're saying Sam's instinct is basically overwriting whatever desires she may have to trust me?" Millie nodded, "That actually makes a lot of sense."

"Just like with Gigi, it didn't matter what anyone _told_ me about her, my experience was always going to hold the higher claim. Basically, even if I drove her straight to him that night in my mind I'd still think I was right all along." She paused, allowed Brooke to process everything. "If she can push you away _now_, then it'll hurt less than telling you and having you send her away. I'm not saying that's what you're going to do because it's obviously not, but I'm just trying to see it Sam's way."

All of that was completely relevant to Brooke's dilemma with Sam, another piece of the puzzle. She thought of Sam, trying to act like a figurine in a snow globe: perfect and unreachable, afraid to shatter and have to deal with remains that could not be repaired.

It made her want to cry more, thinking of Sam working so hard to be all right.

"So…what do I do?"

"It's like fishing her from a block of ice," Millie explained, "just keep trying little things. Share a secret of your own with her, take her out somewhere alone. Eventually she'll warm up to you and melt enough that with one swift shot, you'll break right through."

"Nice metaphor," Brooke replied, envisioning herself freeing Sam from a solid statue of ice. Was it really that simple? "Thanks Millie. Did you ever think I'd fall in love with the girl that tried to steal from my store?"

A smile broke out on Millie's face, so grateful to have helped Brooke as she'd so many times helped her. "Looks like she got more than a shirt from the deal."

_Yeah, _Brooke thought, _so did I._

***

"How is this ever going to help me?"

Sam gripped the basketball tight between her hands, running her fingers of the raised dots, a type of Braille. It was language for a sport she'd never understood.

Daniel had been enrolled in basketball at the time of the accident; he'd been ten and already coaches were telling Laura he had chances of going professional. Sam could envision the games where she'd watched him weave in and out of the opposing players, the ball dribbled against the floor with ease. It was so simple: a jump, a shot, a basket. Every single time. Sam had attempted a few shots at the hoop that had hung in their driveway but never with any success.

So of course basketball reminded her of him but she wasn't going to tell Nathan that when he was working so hard at trying to make her feel _better._

"Basketball is relaxing," Nathan proposed and when Sam shot him a challenging look he just laughed. "Just give it a chance. Here."

He held out his hands, a single signal for her to pass the ball. She did and then watched as it sailed from her own hands and swoosh through the ragged net. It fell to the cement, rolling away into the grass.

"It's all about focus," he explained, "and it you put all your focus on this then there won't be any room left in your head to think about anything else."

"Sam raised an eyebrow, tempt by possibilities. "It really works?"

"Why do you think I've been playing for so long?"

He retrieved the stray basketball from the grass and passed it back to her. Sam stared at it briefly and then shifted her gaze to the net. They seemed to far off from each other, much like her future did now from her. Basketball was all about control. Daniel had stressed this to her on many occasions, saying if she was in control of herself then the rest would follow. If she could just make this one basket…well maybe it would be proof she could take the wheel and steer her life in a more positive direction.

Maybe it was just luck, but when Sam positioned herself and let go of the ball, heaving it towards the net, it not only spun in the direction of her target but slid ride through the net. Her hands dropped to her side in amazement, had she really just done that?

"That was a pretty good shot."

Sam remembered that Nathan was standing next to her, that he'd been watching her the whole time.

She slowly meandered along the edge of the court to pick up the orange basketball, stunned at how suddenly it seemed to fit so much better in her hands. Gazing straight at the net, she took a deep breath and shot for a second time. It bounced off the rim twice and then swished through.

For five minutes now, her mind had been completely blank of the pain and the pregnancy. Her head hadn't ached and she hadn't felt nauseas. She turned to Nathan. "Maybe you're right, maybe I _can_ do this."

He smiled in return, knowing her epiphany had nothing to do with basketball.

***

She was stitching one of her own outfits when she punctured her finger with the needle.

"Shit," Brooke cursed, pulling her finger away from the fabric and searching for something to covered it with.

"Ouch." Millie saw the blood rising from her skin and handed her a tissue. "You all right?"

"Yeah, just a little distracted I guess." She wrapped the cloth around her finger, applying pressure to alleviate the stinging. She hated needles, how could such a small prick spark so much pain? Somehow everything in life was that way; it started off from something small and grew.

"Everyone gets distracted when they see me, I suppose."

Millie and Brooke both jumped and then turned to Julian, who was standing in the doorway with the usual cocky grin on his face. Brooke couldn't help but feel immediate joy wash over her face, Millie just laughing at the comment. "Looks like your night in shining armor has arrived," she observed.

"Or my favorite mathlete with the shining braces," Brooke kidded, "but who knows the difference?"

"Hey!" Julian growled, lifting Brooke off the chair and to her feet. "Be nice, or you won't get the special surprise I have for you."

"And that is…?"

"A secret," he finished for her, kissing her hand where she'd pierced her finger and then finding her lips. "That is, until I deem you worthy enough to know."

Brooke found herself lost in his comfort, it'd been so long since she'd been able to so easily slip into the arms of a man and feel no anxiety. When she was with Lucas, it'd been special and she'd trusted him with every ounce of her energy. Working on this movie with all of those memories fresh and resentfully mocking her, Brooke had thought it would be a problem. As soon as she'd opened herself up to Julian, that had fear had been suppressed.

She let him kiss her, Millie shielding her eyes with the clipboard and was holding and disappearing behind the counter for work to busy herself with. No one made her feel like he did. Hell, maybe with Julian by her side she could conquer her problems with Sam. He didn't call her his "pretty girl" but he didn't have to, Brooke knew.

"Great, you scared away my only employee." Brooke grinned, "and I was just starting to get some work done too, until you came in of course." She laid another kiss on his cheek, laughing as she smudged lipstick left him permanently marked. "Still…why live in a high school world when I cane be here with you, now?"

"Sweet talking me isn't going to get you this surprise any faster."

"Damn," Brooke giggled. "That's fine, I'll settle for you for now."

He pulled back, acting offended, "settle?" She covered her mouth, smothering what was about to become hysterical laughter. "Brooke Davis, in case I must remind you, I have plenty of other ladies waiting for me at Sundance whenever I feel so inclined."

She leaned closer to him, wrapping herself around Julian and wondering if she'd ever find the motivation to get back to her work now. He'd clearly made her day 100% better. "Mathlete," she whispered into his ear.

The charming smile returned as he wormed away from her and tried to glare at her, but all Brooke could do was laugh at her own joke. "Well as a mathlete I can tell you your odds of getting this surprise are proportionally 1 to 1000 at this moment and just getting worse.

"Not even if I turn back into high school Brooke for a little bit?" her lip curled into a pout.

"Getting slimmer…"

"Fine."

There was something sexy about the way her face softened and her eyes shined with disappointment. Julian knew she was only kidding, but the look worked well for her; he was almost ready to reveal what he'd really come to tell her.

But not just yet.

Brooke reseated herself in the chair and forced herself to resume stitching the blouse. It was such an incredibly intricate task that Brooke had to focus completely on what she was doing not to make the same mistake she'd made a few minutes ago. Damn that was hard to so with Julian standing only a few feet away from her.

"So," Julian began, the phrase that would knock over the first domino, "how's Sam?"

***

Rivercourt tended to be at its best when things were cloudy. Basketball players were always fighting some sort of battle: personal social or otherwise and trying to reach a victory under the intense heat of the boiling sun was never the way to go.

Cloud were looming above them in the air, dangling so close and threatening to rip at any second. Sam almost felt herself being soaked by the raindrops but when she looked up, there was still nothing there.

Nathan took this moment to trace a circle around her, springing up and dunking the ball through the net.

"Loss of focus," he pointed out, passing her the ball so she could take it back down the court. Sam cradled it in her hands a second before dropping it to the cement. The echo of it's bounce with the only sound besides the pattering of their sneakers, a pulse that was keeping them both alive.

She scaled the edge of the court and aimed for a three pointer, missing. Before Nathan could grab it though, Sam whisked around his side and grabbed it on the rebound, shooting again for a lay-up and smiling when it went in.

"You're getting rusty Nathan," she teased, grabbing it on the bounce and tossing it to him.

"Only when I let you win," he shot back, taking off in the opposite direction. She chased after him, looking to block his jump shot even though he was about a foot taller than her. It worked fairly and he had to realign himself with the net, "nice try, but think again."

At the next try, she leapt in front of Nathan and threw her arms up. To both of their utter shock, she blocked the shot, her fingertips brushing against the basketball and conflicting it's course.

Sam felt proud of herself, "what's that about going easy on me?"

Nathan couldn't swallow his laugh, at much as he was trying to seem serious. Seeing Sam enjoying herself after she'd been so drained of happiness this morning was a gift and he knew Haley would appreciate it as well.

"Fine, but braggers get the ball," he compromised.

"Whatever," she crossed her arms, turning in the direction of the rolling basketball. "Lazy."

Sam went off in it's direction. She vaguely thought of Daniel, wondering if he was supervising her game or if his spirit had inhabited her body long enough to be a decent player. She was surprised to find how much she actually enjoyed the game now that her hands could control the basketball long enough to dribble it down the court. Nathan was waiting for her, but as she bent down to pick the ball up, a breeze grazed her forehead and Sam had to wait out a dizzy spell.

No, she would not let this pregnancy ruin anything else.

Pushing aside her lightheadedness, Sam retrieved the basketball and headed back to the court. It was like navigating her way through a maze, the right paths to take to the hoop found only through trial and error. If Nathan cut her off she'd change her route in a way that might throw him off. She attempted a basket and missed.

Nathan immediately picked it up on the rebound and was on the other end of the court before she could blink. The vertigo took over again as he dunked it, and Sam couldn't locate enough vigor to move.

As it hit the ground, a wave of pain surged through her abdomen. Much to her chagrin, Sam felt her knees go week. "Oh, don't pull that on me now just because I'm winning," Nathan called to her and then realized she wasn't faking. He was at her side in a second, "oh my God, are you all right?"

"I'm—" Sam rose to her feet and avoided his eyes. "I'm fine, let's keep playing."

"How about we sit down instead?"

Sam wanted to argue, but the look in his eyes mirrored one that she'd gotten from Haley before and she relented, letting him lead her to the trunk of a tree which stood contiguous to the basketball court.

She pressed her back against the tree and slid to the dirt, sitting cross legged while Nathan grabbed a water bottle from his duffel bag and handed it to her. "Thanks," she mumbled.

"Haley nagged me to bring it for you, I guess now I know why."

"I'm so sick of this pregnancy ruining everything for me," she admitted, letting some of the water spill to the ground, creating a cloudy puddle in the dust.

"You've only been pregnant, what? A week?"

"Yep, and look at what's happening already."

Sam glanced up at Nathan. Twenty minutes. For twenty long, peaceful, minutes her mind hadn't given a second thought to the dreadful pregnancy. It'd been an afterthought, maybe just a bad dream in the best case scenario. It'd come flooding back now, but for a short time Sam had been safe from this baby. "Why are you doing this for me?" she inquired.

He shrugged. Obligation? Sam thought, Force? Had Haley suggested it be good for Sam? "Anyone Haley cares so much about is obviously worth it," he explained. "We've been there once before, it feels good to help now."

Thankfully, this was the right answer. "Haley's a good person," Sam said quietly, a simple statement of fact.

Nathan looked at Sam, as if for the first time really seeing her, "So are you," he told her, "being pregnant isn't going to be how people judge you the rest of your life. You can make something good come out of it."

"I see how you and Haley are perfect for each other." The Scott family excelled in the department of wisdom, Sam thought, resting her body against the base of the tree and closing her eyes. The doctor she'd visited had told her everything checked out with her baby, the cramps were common pregnancy symptoms but if they got worse she should be contacted immediately.

What Sam had wanted to say was that if they got worse maybe it was a sign that this baby didn't want to come as much as she didn't want to have it. Maybe she should just let Nature take it's course. It was wrong, but Sam was still scared and the cramps weren't doing much but tacking on more fear.

She'd let Haley talk for her. She'd let Haley remember the date for the next apartment. This way when the time came, Haley could be the one to deal with Brooke about this.

It hadn't come to mind how tired Sam was until she dozed off and woke up to Haley and Nathan's voices. Opening her eyes, she noticed that Haley was indeed here and she and Nathan were in the midst of a conversation. They stopped when they were aware she could hear them, a non-subtle way of communicating that they'd been talking about her.

"Hey there," Haley greeted her with a warm smile. "Have a nice nap?"

Sitting up, Sam nodded. "How long was I out?"

"A good half hour," Nathan filled her in, "are you feeling better?"

Again, Sam nodded as she realized her pain had dissipated.

"Good," Haley declared, holding out her hand to help Sam up. "Because we have places to go and people to see, come on."

***

Julian wished he hadn't asked Brooke how Sam was.

Her head fell to the table like a weight. She groaned –or screamed, rather— and he leaned against the side of the table. "I take it that means things are not going well."

"Yes…" Brooke trailed off, "no…" she moaned again, "honestly, I really don't know."

"She won't talk to Brooke about whatever is bothering her," Millie supplied as she rounded the counter and placed a few more designs on Brooke's pile. "They're both really stressed."

"Stressed is an understatement." Brooke threaded the needle through the silky material, trying to concentrate. "Try ready to punch something, or about to explode."

Julian's brow creased, "I thought she was just sick."

Brooke waved him away as if he were so behind on the story, which in many ways he was, having been so busy with the movie the past few days. "Where have you been? We're way past that now. She's…"

"Trying to seem stable but failing miserably," Millie finished when Brooke couldn't find the words. "Brookes worried that Sam is going to take this one step too far and end up drowning in this secret that she's hiding before any of us know to stop it." Millie shrugged, "but she's 15, they store secrets like a bee does honey."

All Julian knew of Sam was the rebellious outer shell she presented. She was, at first look, like any average teenager with a little extra makeup. It'd never occurred to him that she might be layered, and how many levels of her personality would they have to go through before they finally reached her core. "You really think what she's hiding is that life-changing?"

Technically, Brooke only had a mother's intuition, but from what she's learned that was enough. She nodded, "I'd bet my life on it. You should see her Julian, she's a mess and she has nightmares that I haven't had to deal with before and she's hides in her room more often than not. She's not the same Sam we're all used to."

"We're getting a taste of the real girl," Julian said.

"The one she doesn't want anyone to see," Millie concluded.

Julian tapped the side of the table with his hands, trying to come up with consolation. "Where is she now?"

Brooke considered this, "Spending the day with Haley, she'll be home in a few hours."

Millie raised her eyebrows, "What's she doing there?"

"Hopefully something besides hiding, I let her stay there last night and I was kind of happier leaving her with my friend then alone." She looked at Julian, they wheels were already turning, "you gonna say something to her?"

"Maybe," he said, "I might be able to say something that'll make her a little more open to talking to you."

"What?" Brooke and Millie cried simultaneously.

"That's between me and Sam, but let's just say if it works it'll go with your surprise."

"So mysterious," Brooke mused.

"It's all part of my charm," he smiled.

***

Focusing was just not an option.

Mia groaned and placed her guitar next to the stool, jumping down and heading for her purse when her phone began to sound. The sound level was cranked up to max, not that it had mattered because she hadn't had the inspiration for any real writing to begin with, but the ringtone immediately alerted her.

She'd assigned a ringtone to Sam a few days ago when her phone had suddenly started going off a lot more than she was used to. Mia had quickly gone from a barely passable texter to first class typist.

It'd been early this morning when Mia had hauled herself out of bed and turned on her phone to find ten text messages waiting for her, one from Peyton and nine from Sam. This alone had worried her; each one had been from around 1 or 2 in the morning and within a span of 20 minutes. Her heart had began to pound as she'd scrolled down to read the first one.

_What'd u tell Haley?! She knows Mia, she fucking knows._

Mia had remembered right away that Haley had said Sam was babysitting for Jamie and worse, how she'd seemed so anxious to get home. After their run-in in the bathroom, Mia had considered herself lucky that Haley hadn't pressed her for more information, she'd accepted what she'd heard as the truth.

Or so she thought.

There was a mess of them. _'What am I supposed to do now?' 'Why the hell aren't u answering, I'm dying here!' _She grew more worried after reading each one and had begun to blame herself. Why hadn't she made sure she was alone? Haley knew and it was because of her.

Granted, Sam had been trying to find ways to let Haley in on her problem for days, but Mia was pretty sure this didn't qualify as one of the options she'd been considering.

Mia had avoided answering Sam at first; afraid of what might befall her for accidentally spilling the beans. But she'd promised to be there for Sam, so finally she'd managed to type of an explanation of her mistake. It'd been hours ago and Sam was just now responding.

Was that a good thing or a bad thing?

With no other choice, Mia found the courage to flip open her phone. She scanned the text, expecting the worst and was extremely surprised with what Sam had sent to her. _'I'm sorry I flipped on you. Maybe it's… better she found out.'_

_***_

Sam climbed nervously into the passenger seat of Haley's car. "Where are we going?"

"I came up with an idea that might make you a little more at ease," Haley explained, "We're going to tell Brooke without actually telling her. Kind of like a test run for the real thing." Sam didn't appear to follow, so Haley clarified. "Think about it, who's the closest link to Brooke? Someone who could step into her shoes long enough for you to get a little practice with this whole situation?"

Sam wondered if Haley thought that calling it a 'situation' meant that she was masking the truth when they both knew just as well what it meant. A decoration of sorts that wasn't doing it's job.

She refocused on what Haley had proposed to her and for a minute, thought about who she might have been talking about. Her first thought was Julian because he could easily read Brooke for what she was truly thinking, but she wasn't sure Haley knew him well enough to ask that kind of favor. Sam's mind then flashed to Lucas who she'd been told had dated Brooke and loved her dearly. Haley was close to him, but Sam knew she wouldn't force her to tell someone she barely knew her biggest secret.

So that left one person, and as Haley pulled the car through the North Carolina streets Sam watched the street pass by underneath the vehicle and took a deep breath. When all was said and done, Sam was going to have confided in someone that wasn't Brooke but was close enough.

Peyton.

**Was it worth the wait? Let me know! Suggestions? I'm all for them!**


	9. 8: Slow Me Down

**Disclaimer:** So…One Tree Hill isn't mine…bummer.

**Author's Note: **Here it is! The next installment of the story. Things are getting intense here. Look for lots of Brooke/Sam next chapter, but only if I get some reviews. Where have you guys been, lol? I feel like I usually get more suggestions and such and I live off of your reviews. (Unhealthy? Yes, haha, but I can't help it!) By the way, I would have posted this last night but fanfic wouldn't let me on until now. My apologies~

**Setting: **January 2009.

_Sometimes I fear that I might disappear  
In the blur of fast forward I falter again  
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep  
getting nowhere  
All that I've missed I see in the reflection  
Passed me while I wasn't paying attention  
Tired of rushing, racing and running  
falling apart  
Tell me  
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me  
Slow me down  
'Cause I'm ready to fall  
Slow me down  
Don't let me live a lie_

-**Emmy Rossum**

As requested, when Haley called Peyton, she hadn't asked questions.

As requested, she'd dropped all of her plans to head home and wait for them there.

As requested, she didn't stare too long when she noticed how pale Sam was.

Haley was leading her in the doorway when Peyton looked up from her cell phone. Sam, she thought, looked like she was being led to her death and the two of them slid silently into chairs at the kitchen table, waiting for her to do the same. She did, and noticed Sam looking to Haley for an out, but neither of them began the conversation.

"Okay," Peyton began when the silence became loud in her ears, "What's going on?"

Haley nudged Sam gently, indicating that she needed to do this on her own. Sam took a deep breath and Peyton thought she might pass out. "You know Brooke better than anyone else," she said softly, "so we're going to kind of role play and I need you to be her."

Peyton raised her eyebrows, "You need me to _be_ her?"

"Yes," Sam breathed and Haley noticed how she unconsciously cover her stomach wit her hand, what was she protecting her child from? Her eyes met Peyton's. "There's something I really need to tell Brooke and I'm really afraid of how she's going to react to it. Haley thought it might be a good idea to test in out on you." Sam's anxiety was palpable and when she inhaled sharply Peyton nearly shook. "So can you just try to react as you think she would?"

Part of Peyton wanted to ask a million questions now, but she'd promised Haley so she held firm and didn't; Sam was probably going to answer them in just one swing, she figured. So she nodded, "go ahead."

Swallowing her feat, Sam tried to find alternate words to lessen the blow, but that was a problem. There were no two words that could suffice for what she needed to tell Peyton. "Okay…Brooke," she began, bracing herself, "I'm pregnant."

Peyton blinked, a silence ensuing that felt like years to both Haley and Sam.

And then she laughed.

"Wow, nice one Sam. You seriously almost had me, but come on what's the real secret?"

"I'm not joking," Sam replied. "I'm pregnant, I really_ really_ am."

In an instant, Peyton's face drained of all color and became a ghostly white. Sam wasn't sure is she forgot she was supposed to be mirroring Brooke's response or if worse, she'd remembered and was doing just that. And truth be told, Sam was afraid to ask.

"Oh, Sam."

In so few words so much could be said. Sam detected fear, shame? She wanted to run but then realized that she was seated in the chair the closest to the wall and Haley had deliberately scooted close enough to her that she wouldn't be able to make it out and going around Peyton just wasn't an option. She was blockaded in and beginning to feel very claustrophobic.

"Haley," she begged, rubbing her forehead and shielding her eyes from either of them.

As of true motherly fashion, Haley slid her chair closer to Sam's and wrapped on arm around her before she fell to pieces. She hadn't counted on this taking so much of an emotional toll on Sam, nor had she counted on Peyton freezing up like she had. "Peyton, we're trying to find a way to tell Brooke because she's afraid she's going to either bolt or end up sleeping in a car again," Haley explained. "Maybe you'll come with us for support?

Finding her voice, Peyton snapped out of her trance and propped a doll-like smile on her face. "Of course I will."

"I'm not telling her now!" Sam insisted facing Haley, "You saw how she reacted. If that's any indication of what Brooke will do—"

"It's not," Peyton assured Sam, "I'm sorry, it's just that was literally the last thing in the world I was expecting to hear and I didn't really know what to do with the information. That's no excuse for freaking you out more though," she moved forward in her chair a little, "How do you feel?"

Sam shook her head, blinking back tears, "scared," she admitted.

Peyton smiled warmly and Haley relaxed. "It's a natural reaction," she guaranteed, "Is this…" her voice faded, "Is this what you were talking to Mia about?" A nod. "This is why she was working so hard to cover for you?"

Wiping her eyes before fresh tears could bloom, Sam began to clarify, "When I ran to the bathroom during those auditions I was having the worst cramps ever and I just wanted them to go away. I started mumbling to myself that I couldn't do this. And Mia, she heard me talking so I had to tell her. I convinced her not to tell you."

"Oh honey, why didn't you want me to know?" Peyton asked, looking down at her own slightly swollen stomach and then back at Sam, "I would have understood!"

"I was afraid you'd tell Brooke," Sam admitted, "She's your best friend."

"Didn't we talk about this? That doesn't mean you can't talk to me about stuff like this. I'm not going to go running off and spilling all your secrets to her." She saw Sam looking away, clearly overwhelmed by everything, "Sam, I'm not your friend by obligation." Something about that statement caused Sam to break, and she burst into tears. Haley and Peyton looked to each other nervously, curious on the best method to take a handle on the situation. Peyton spoke first, "Why don't you go lie down for a few minutes?" she suggested, "Take some time to relax."

Sam looked ready to argue, but then realized that she was being offered a reprieve and quickly stood up and headed off in search of the bedroom.

When they were alone, the silence thickened.

"How'd you find out?"

"Last night after we spoke at TRIC, I walked into the bathroom and heard Mia on the phone with her. I think she was planning on telling me anyway but she kept chickening out. Mia was saying things about cramps, and looking at Jamie to know I'd understand and you told me her appetite was all over the place so I put the pieces together."

Peyton hesitated, "have you spoken to Mia since?"

"No," Haley admitted, "I've been busy with Sam all day. I took her to a clinic this morning where the doctor said everything was fine for now and then she spent a little time with Nathan, who knows because he overheard her telling me what happened. And then I brought her here, I haven't had time to think about Mia or Brooke or anything."

"Brooke," Peyton sighed at the thought of her best friend, "what do think she'll do?"

"Be supportive?" Haley guessed, "Truthfully, I think she's going to freak when she finds out and_ then _when she realizes it's reality she'll be the best support Sam can have. But with her history, Sam just won't believe that Brooke's not going to kick her out and I can't communicate that to her. We're just going to have to get her to trust Brooke long enough so that it'll be done and over with."

Peyton and Haley sat amidst the tension for a few moments.

"I think I should go talk to her," Peyton decided and Haley nodded. "You'll wait here? I really think she deserves all the stability she can get right now. "

"Of course," Haley replied. "Speaking of which, I'm gonna give Mia a call."

***

Through her sobs and the thickness of the pillow, Sam almost didn't hear Peyton knocking.

She'd fallen onto Peyton and Lucas's bed and began a fit of hysteria, was it crazy to think that telling Peyton would have been easier? After all, this was the first person she had actually told intentionally and not through some course of accidental discovery. But Sam reminded herself that a fifteen year old expecting a baby wasn't call for celebration, she couldn't have reasonably expected much more out of Peyton.

"Sam?"

Sam picked her head up, it felt so clogged that it nearly weighted her back down. "Brooke or Peyton?"

The door opened slowly and Peyton stuck her head inside, "That depends, who would you rather?"

"Peyton," Sam decided, playing along with the game and Peyton stepped further inside.

"Good," Peyton agreed, "Because I brought chocolate pudding!"

True to her word, in Peyton's hands were two containers of double chocolate pudding and two spoons. She threw one to Sam and held it for a moment as if it were poisonous. "Are you trying to bond with me again?" Sam asked, her voice raspy from crying but offering a lighter tone to it now as she somewhat composed herself.

Peyton had already begun digging into her pudding and had a mouthful of chocolate. "Of course," she said and Sam founding herself laughing. It felt good to smile. "I think…" Peyton continued seriously, "that we should talk."

Sam nodded, she'd expected this much. "Where should we start?"

"How about," she gestured to Sam's stomach, "where this all started? Was it Jack?"

"No." Sam said this simply with a hollow voice. "But you're close."

"Close?" Peyton was stumped, she'd heard all about Jack from Brooke and how he was one of Sam's only and closest friends. If there was one person to father her baby, Peyton would have concluded it would have been him. It took her a minute to remember where she'd been staying when she ran from Brooke, and the minute his name popped into her head, Peyton wished it hadn't. "Xavier?" Sam bowed her head, and Peyton put the forgotten container of pudding aside, grabbing her shoulders, "he did this to you?" Her mind rewound to when Brooke had been teary-eyed and shaken at the memory of her own attack. Well, like mother like daughter they said. "Sam," Peyton said again, "What happened to you?"

Every time Sam tried to speak she was caught up by tears. Telling Mia hadn't been as difficult, she'd said it quickly, like pulling off a Band-Aid to ease the hurt. Telling Haley it'd been among so many other secrets that Sam had just wanted it all out at once. But Peyton knew what Xavier had done to Brooke, and therefore that made it come back to her with the impact of a full speed truck.

That was enough for Peyton to be sure that Sam had in fact been raped.

"Sam." Peyton closed her eyes and pulled the teenager to her. "I'm sorry."

Why was Peyton apologizing? Sam couldn't figure that out as Peyton held her. She didn't return the hug, just sat there lifeless. Was she saying she was sorry Sam had been tormented by Xavier? That was stupid, Sam considered, because it wasn't her fault. Maybe, Sam decided, she was sorry because she'd originally thought Sam had been stupid enough to have sex at fifteen willingly.

Either way, she hadn't spoken much to Haley about the rape and Haley hadn't pushed her into it. The words fell from her lips before she could stop them, "Jack got away but I co-couldn't. He came back and push-pushed me down again and again and he was too strong for me." Sam's words were all stutters and Peyton, surprised by her sudden sharing, just listened. "I tried to stop him Peyton, but I couldn't do it. He raped me. I said no but he did it anyway." She buried her face into Peyton's shoulder, "none of the foster homes were ever that bad."

Peyton didn't know what to say. "You're going to be okay," she promised.

"How?" Sam fired back, "I'm fifteen and I'm having a baby! Tell me how that's ever going to be okay."

"Because you have me," Peyton swore, "and Haley and Nathan and Mia and soon you'll have Brooke too. No one is going to let you fall, I promise. I'm having a baby too, remember?"

"But you're old enough to be pregnant," Sam pointed out.

"People are the exception to the rule every day, that's where statistics come from, those odd ones out. Big deal," Peyton winked, "Sam, the fact that you're pregnant really isn't your fault. I bet Haley's already told you that too. We'll get through it together, I mean we're not too far apart, so whatever happens with our pregnancies will happen to me first and then I can get you ready for what's coming. What do you think?"

Sam stared at Peyton a minute, "I think I'm scared."

"Rightfully so," Peyton agreed, "but so am I sometimes. When you're scared all you have to do is come to Haley or I, she's been through this and right around the same age you are and I can definitely understand what it's like not to know what's lying ahead. You're going to have to trust us for this to work."

"Okay," Sam said, though not so convincingly.

"And that trust," Peyton continued, "starts by telling Brooke."

***

"You totally faked me out."

Haley made a face, she should have expected this. "Hello to you too, Mia. I guess you know what I'm calling to talk about then, huh?"

Mia put down her guitar. It seemed while she was at the studio she'd forgotten the whole world was still moving outside of here. Sam hadn't answered her reply to their chain of texts and now Mia was starting to figure out why. "Is she okay?" Mia asked, "Like…physically?"

"Yes," Haley said after a beat. "I took her to a doctor, she's fine. A little shaken, but recovering as much as she can. She's not mad at you in the slightest Mia, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you what I'd overheard but that would have risked you telling her I knew and then her running off before I could have done anything."

Mia shifted the phone to her other shoulder, holding It between that and her ear and pulling herself a stool to sit down. "I guess I can forgive you," she conceded, "does Brooke know yet?"

Haley looked towards the bedroom, the door was still closed. She sighed, "we're working on it."

**

The sun was just settling as Haley dropped Sam off. "You gonna be okay?" she asked, and Sam turned, but looked past her as she nodded. She hadn't said much after talking with Peyton and Haley wondered if that were a good or bad thing. Just before Sam got out of the car she leaned over to give Haley a hug, murmuring thanks into her ear. "I'm glad I could help," Haley replied, hugging her for an extra second before letting Sam out of the car.

Haley drove away without questioning the fact that Brooke wasn't home yet and Sam felt relieved. She trudged inside and stared at the clock. It was quarter to five; somehow she'd spent her whole day worrying about this baby. This stupid little baby, Sam thought to herself. Xavier, even miles away, still had controls over her thoughts.

Enough.

Sam stalked into her room, slamming the door, locking it and turning on the Ihome she'd stolen from Brooke's room. The music not only played, it blared. Avenged Sevenfold and Dragon Force songs had never sounded so sweet in the bitter air that was her life. Brooke hated when Sam blasted her music but Sam saw every moment of it as an escape, for every second longer the music echoed in her eardrums, that was one less second spent thinking about the baby and thinking about her birth mother, or Jenna.

Sam remembered the typing, clicking of each little key on the pad as she researched her history. She can still picture her birth certificate in her mind, the text in faded in marking the paper with her biological mother. And more clearly than anything else, her voice still rings in Sam's mind. What hurt her most was that the tone of her mother's voice had been happy. She'd given up Sam and she was _happy._

Did she even remember? Had the nine months been a chunk of time so small and so long ago they'd faded into the background like the ink on her birth certificate?

She heard her mothers voice now.

_"Something I can get for you?"_

Sam immediately cranked the speakers up a few notches.

_"You look a little flustered, are you all right?"_

It seemed louder than the music and it mixed with the lyrics, like strands of DNA clustered together into a new mess and Sam couldn't decipher the difference long enough to pull it all apart. It's just words now. And it hurt.

She pressed her face into the pillow because the volume cannot be raised on the speaker anymore. Sam just wanted it all to go away. Peyton and Haley, they were trying but her mind was still miles ahead of them. She wanted Brooke and yet she was still scared.

Jenna's voice popped into her head. _"Let's just get out of here, Sammy."_

Sam sat up, lunging to the Ihome and pulling her IPod from the base and throwing it across the comforter. Just like that, it's silent and her head begins to pound.

Suddenly she needed to get away, much as she'd done during her first few weeks living with Brooke. Rubbing her temples, Sam wandered into the bathroom and pulled two aspirin from the medicine cabinet, swallowing them without a second thought to anything else. She IPod was waiting for her on her bed and she fished through her desk drawers for headphones, jamming them into her ears and then flying down the steps of the front porch and down the sidewalk.

Not noticing, of course, that Julian was right behind her.

***

5:30

Brooke pulled the car into the parking lot. It was snowing for the second time that week and she shivered as she unlocked the front door. "Sam!" she called before even making it in the house, her only response was the silence of an empty house. "Sam?"

Her first reaction was that Haley hadn't dropped her off yet, but upon seeing Sam's coat carelessly draped over the couch, she realized this might not be true.

Haley had said she'd be bringing Sam home in about an hour, and that'd been almost two hours ago. So that didn't explain the missing teenager. Trawling through her purse for her cell phone, she hit the speed dial and waited anxiously. "Haley?" her voice caught in her throat. "Please tell me you haven't brought Sam back here yet."

There was a brief pause and Brooke knew Haley was picking and choosing her words to ease their intensity. "Brooke...I dropped her off awhile ago."

Brooke combed her fingers through her hair doing her best to remain calm. She approached the doorway already heading to the car, noticing for the first time the fresh track of footprints leading away from the house, already being covered by a new layer snow.

***

One thing Sam latched onto harder than anything else was her sanity.

She played Mia's new single on her IPod, opting for sanguinity over mindless screaming and hoping that maybe it would do the trick this time. Her mind drowned it and she allowed her feet to lead her somewhere, anywhere, along the dimly-lit Tree Hill sidewalks.

All in all, Sam wasn't too entirely surprised when she discovered that she'd led herself right to the cemetery. Panting hard from running Sam hadn't even been aware she was doing, she took the path to Jenna's grave that was permanently cemented in her head even after a few months. The headstones were in rows extending over hills and other stretches of land. Little slabs of stone was all they were, dotting the plots of dying grass for what seemed like ever. She'd once read that there were more dead people than those living. God, that was scary to think about.

Jenna was waiting for her, Sam liked to think. As her sister's lone visitor, the grave remained untouched and unfurnished most of the time, but Sam thought Jenna would like it better that way. Flowers would die, stone was impenetrable; her sister had always wanted to be the one who couldn't be broken.

Sam fell to her knees gasping. Her nausea had returned again and the headache had only grown much to her displeasure. She yanked her ear buds away, hoping to find comfort in the dead of the graveyard.

Inside she heard footsteps.

Jumping nearly a foot in the air, Sam was on her feet and ready to run, but a strong embrace had her before she could take that chance. "Sam, wait a second!"

The face came into view. "Julian!" she croaked. "What are you doing here?"

"I followed you. You know, after you flew out of Brooke's like your life depended on it?"

"I just…needed to get out for a little, it was so _loud_ in there." She saw Julian's face, contorted with confusion. "That makes so no sense. Really I'm—"

"Turning blue," he pointed out and for the first time Sam noticed she had only the protection of her long-sleeved shirt to ward off the cold. Shivers crept up her skin almost immediately and Julian wrap her jacket around her. She went to protest but nearly bit her lip from the teeth-chattering temperature. He surveyed their surroundings, "Wow Sammy, you really know how to pick 'em. What are we _doing_ here?"

"You?" she retorted, "I don't know. Me?" she glanced to the stone next to them, "visiting my sister."

"Your—" he followed her gaze. "Wow."

He took in the dates engraved, 1996 and 2008. 12 years. That was way too short a life for a child, or maybe in Jenna's case too long of one if hers was anywhere near as horrific as the things he'd heard about Sam's.

She'd sunk to the ground and Julian wasn't sure if he could go with her. With Brooke things were so easy but with Sam he questioned himself. Joking around with her wasn't the issue; it was facing the serious stuff that he didn't want to mess up. But she looked at him with desperate longing eyes and he joined her.

"You guys close?" he asked and she nodded solemnly.

"She was my other half. The good half I guess."

He didn't dismiss her in the way Haley or Brooke would have, telling her the meaningless repeated phrase that she was just as good. Instead he shrugged, "I always kind of thought if you share yourself with someone long enough, they rub off on you in the long run. Do with that what you want." Julian wasn't sure if she'd listened but when he saw a tear slip down her cheek he knew something was going on. "Are you ever going to tell Brooke?"

"Tell her what?"

"Whatever it is that you're running from. I mean, a cemetery at night in the snow? There's not much further you can get from her than that. Hell knows I've tried though." Sam gave him a look, "Well you knew Brooke and I danced around the whole relationship thing at first. I wasn't sure about myself getting into it, too much of a risk with her being Peyton's best friend."

"This coming from the guy that would have had sex on the first date had I not walked in.

They both smile at her shrewd comment. "Well, she's worth it."

Sam considered this for a minute, staring at Jenna's grave, a silent call for advice. She could tell Julian and add another name to the list of the enlightened. _Give me a sign of what to do Jenna, _Sam begged. The fact that Julian had cared enough to follow her was in his favor, but Sam wasn't sure she could take revealing it all one more time. "I—" the words began tumbling out before she could stop them, "I'm pre—"

A sharp pain was like a knife twisting in her stomach and Sam couldn't help but notice the headstones rocking around her. It felt like everything was spinning. She pressed her head to her forehead, but it still ached: everything did.

"What?" he inquired, noticing her panic level rising.

"I think I—" she was cut off by another wave of nausea, another cramp and then the feeling that everything was going black. "My baby," she managed to whisper before she was surrounded by a sea of darkness.

***

"No, Nathan I don't have any idea where she would have gone. I mean, you said she was doing better today. Come on, we weren't fifteen that long ago right? How hard can it be to slip into the mind of a fifteen year old and figure out where she might have—"

Haley came up behind Brooke and wrapped an arm around her. "Look, it's okay. We're gonna find her, Brooke. I'm really sorry I left her there alone, I just didn't think she'd go anywhere."

Nathan shot her a knowing look and Haley passed it off. She too wondered if telling her themselves about the baby would make any difference but she knew if Sam found out she'd just retreat more.

"It's okay," Brooke automatically rejected her apology, "She's so random with her actions these days I don't think anyone can predict what she'll do. Just ever since this whole thing with Xavier I don't feel comfortable letting her out of sight." They were interrupted by Brooke's cell before Haley or Nathan could respond. She inspected who was calling and then the phone was glued to her ear. "Oh good Julian, I need your help. Sam—"

"Already been done," his panicked voice was answering before she could finish a sentence. Brooke stiffened, was he_ scared_? "You need to get to the hospital _now_."

…**do I have to ask? Review please! I want a bunch before the next chapter!**


	10. 9: Lullaby for a Stormy Night

**Disclaimer: **Please tell me I own OTH now….No? Damn.

**Author's Note:** Thank you!!!! 23 reviews?! Yay! I was so happy. That's why this chapter took awhile, I wanted to make it right and I wanted you to enjoy it. So here we are! Lots of love in this chapter, hope you enjoy it!

**Setting:** January 2009

_Little child  
Be not afraid  
The storm clouds mask your beloved moon  
And it's candlelight beams  
Still keep pleasant dreams  
I am here tonight_

Little child  
Be not afraid  
The wind makes creatures of our trees  
And the branches to hands  
They're not real, understand  
And I am here tonight

_Everything's fine in the morning  
The rain will be gone in the morning  
But I'll still be here in the morning_

**-Vienna Teng**

Sam battled her own body, going through brief bouts of lucidity and then slowly losing her grasp at consciousness. Sam tried to absorb as much as she could before she drifted out of it again.

Her heart was thundering in the pit of her chest. The last time she'd woken up in a hospital the doctors had told her Jenna was dead. The time before it had been her parents, Daniel. Did that mean there was a chance she was losing the baby now too? Sam couldn't determine how she'd feel if that were true.

There was so much shouting: numbers of all sorts and Sam felt like she was some type of object up for an auction. She wanted to reach out to one and tell them that she was fine, that she could go back to Julian. He was overreacting by bringing here, that was all. She'd tried to tell him otherwise, but it was like the words just wouldn't come out.

The nurses were working around her; they'd scuttled her into one of the ERs and were hovering over her like gnats. She was tired and lightheaded and the cramps hurt more than they had in the past few days.

Okay, so Mia had been right.

And Haley.

And Peyton.

"Pregnant," she managed to choke out the word and one of the nurses stopped what she was doing. She leaned over Sam as if she hadn't heard correctly.

"Did you say you're pregnant?" she asked and Sam nodded, squeezing her eyes shut.

"There were bad...cramps," she managed to say, though she was still confused and overwhelmed, "aspirin didn't help." They scrambled around her more and Sam realized for the first time that her taking aspirin the first time may not have been harmful, but the few times after might have done damage.

She lulled her head to the side. Why did she have so many issues? The walls of the bright hospital were intimidating and she felt claustrophobic. She didn't know what was wrong or what she'd accidentally done, but Sam knew one thing, she wanted her mother.

Staring down one of the nurses, tears escaping from the corners of her eyes and she managed to say one last thing before the lightheadedness took over again.

"Brooke."

***

Julian heard Brooke before he saw her.

"I need to find her!" She was talking to a nurse: a petite blond woman who by the looks of it was becoming increasingly annoyed. Brooke had a few more words with her before the woman was called away to an emergency and Brooke stormed off in the opposite direction, fuming.

Haley and Nathan were trailing behind her, left in the dusk by Brooke and her determination.

Their eyes met, locked, and she was in his arms in a heartbeat. "Julian." It was a sigh of relief because he was her answer to just about everything. Then another, more desperate plea. "Sam?"

"I don't know," he confessed and regretted his lack of knowledge because he felt Brooke wilt in his arms. He led her down to a bench in the waiting area and Haley and Nathan followed. "They took her from me and won't tell me where or what's wrong with her."

"Where did you even find her?" Haley inquired, "Brooke told us she disappeared."

"The cemetery. I was going to Brooke's to try and talk to her anyway and I caught her leaving so I followed her. We were talking, she was fine and then she passed out randomly at her sister's grave."

This was all new to Haley, "_Sister?_"

"Jenna," Brooke remembered, "there's a lot she's been keeping."

_I'll say, _Haley thought but didn't dare say it aloud even though she had a striking feeling Brooke was about to hear a lot more than she was prepared for. "Did she say anything else? Or the doctors?"

Julian ran his hand over his face in contemplation. He was still mulling over whether Sam had misspoken at the graveyard or if she'd really said something about a baby. "Actually, right when she passed out I think she said—"

"Family of Samantha Walker?"

Like she'd been trained to react at the name, Brooke swung around to face the doctor who was heading her way. "That's me," she clarified.

"And who are you?"

"Brooke Davis, Sam's my foster daughter. Is she okay?"

"She's been suffering cramps due to the pregnancy and taking as many doses of aspirin as she did nearly harmed the baby. We thought she'd been having a miscarriage but your daughter is a strong girl and both she and the baby pulled through." The woman offered a warm smile to match Brooke's shocked demeanor.

"I'm sorry…did you say she was _pregnant_?"

"Oh," the doctor frowned and scanned her chart as if the answer to her dilemma would be found there. "I'm sorry I assumed you knew. She was the one who told us."

"Knew…_what_? No I didn't know! I didn't know because she didn't tell me…" Brooke swallowed hard against the lump rising in her throat, pressing her palm to her forehead. "She didn't tell me," she repeated.

"I'm sorry," the doctor reiterated for emphasis. "We've moved Sam to a room and are going to admit her overnight for observation. We've also given her a safer medication to alleviate her cramps and hopefully once they've stopped that'll be the end of it. Has she seen a doctor yet?"

"I don't…know, I didn't even know she was pregnant," Brooke said and then realized how little she'd really known about Sam in the past week. How had she been so blind to it?"

"She found out about a week ago," Haley disclosed, breaking her silence streak.

Brooke whirled around to face her and Haley took a step back, "You knew?!"

"I've known for about 24 hours," she admitted, knowing she was about to face Brooke's wrath, "It was an accidental thing, she didn't tell me on her own." Then to the doctor, "I took her to a clinic this morning and they said everything checked out. I didn't notice that she'd taken the aspirin, I just knew she'd been having cramps and I wanted to make sure she was all right."

"So she's been under a lot of stress lately then? Because this early in her pregnancy she's already showing signs of an overactive blood pressure which can cause miscarriage now and many problems in the future if she's not kept off her feet for a couple of days and takes the stress down a notch."

"I understand," Brooke said, though she really didn't.

"Okay," she nodded, "well Samantha was asking for you so I will go and find out what room she's in so you can visit her. Stay as long as you like," she smiled.

"Thank you," Brooke replied in a voice that wasn't her own.

When the doctor walked away Julian looked at Brooke finishing the sentence he'd been in the middle of before., "when she passed out, she said something—" he stuttered. "Something about a baby? She—Sam's pregnant?"

"Apparently so," Brooke said softly.

"But..she..fifteen..she's..fifteen!"

"Okay," Nathan said, cutting off the tension. "Okay Julian and I are going to go find that doctor and get her room number so you two can talk for a little?" Haley and Brooke both nodded, two bobble heads in sync and Nathan pulled a stammering Julian in the opposite direction.

Haley sat Brooke down again. "Never seen him speechless before," she mused.

"You're telling me," Haley replied, "Listen, Brooke, I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about this."

"Is this why you wanted her to stay last night? I knew you knew something! Haley!"

"I know, Brooke. I'm sorry, but she was so freaked that by the time I finally got her calmed down and willing to go see a doctor and talk to me a little bit I had to bargain with her that I wouldn't tell you for the meantime."

"Who told you?"

"Mia," Brooke glanced up and Haley continued before she could question it, "Evidently she walked in on Sam at TRIC and to keep her from telling Peyton she told Mia instead. Ironically enough, I walked in on her last night while she was on the phone with Sam and I figured it out. Mia had been pushing her to someone but she was just too afraid. Brooke, I don't know why but she just couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that you weren't going to kick her out. Sam loves you too much to risk losing what she has." She placed her hand on Brooke's shoulder, "don't take it personally that you didn't know, okay? I can identify with her because of Jamie and that's why she trusted me, but I was slowly coaxing her into telling you."

Brooke took a deep breath, was this really happening? "I assume Nathan knew?" Haley nodded, "anyone else?"

"I had her tell Peyton because she's your best friend and I thought maybe she could respond the way you might and Sam could see nothing bad was going to come of telling you," Haley explained. "She helped a lot too…until all of this happened."

"So basically all of Tree Hill knew before I did that my daughter is having a baby?"

Brooke felt herself crumble a little and Haley wrapped one arm around her, "You know now."

"How am I supposed to help her now?"

"She's got eight months left of this hell, Brooke, and she's counting on you to make it better!" Haley shot her a meaningful stare, "and if I know you, I know you will. Rule #1 of being a mother: you do what you can, and that's the best you can do."

***

_The knob jiggled a moment before the door was pushed ajar. Brooke felt herself being pulled awake and when she saw the figure standing in the doorway she pushed herself up in bed. "Sam?"_

_It took a few steps inside without a word and when Brooke leaned over to switch the light on she thought it was going to retreat. Light washed over the walls of her bedroom and sure enough Sam was standing there, her face coated in fresh tears. _

_"Couldn't sleep?" Brooke asked, noticing the empty look in her foster daughter's eyes. She'd been talkative on the way home from the concert, laughing a lot and then had withdrawn herself from Brooke after dinner. She saw Sam shake her head and summoned the girl to come sit next to her. _

_Sam pulled her knees to her chest, "I'm sorry."_

_"For what, honey?"_

_"Being here."_

_Brooke shook her head, grabbing Sam's hand and pulling her closer. "I don't understand."_

_Sam found a spot next to Brooke on the bed and settled there. "Why'd you pick me?"_

_Was there a right answer to this question? Still not following, Brooke sat up a little more and searched Sam's face for a clue of what she might have been talking about. "You're going to have to help me out here," she said finally._

_"I heard you on the phone with the agency," Sam confessed finally. "You couldn't have us both and you chose me," she clarified, not quite willing to look Brooke's way. "I'd understand if you wanted the baby. So why?"_

_"Just because I wanted to get you back a little." Sam's head shot up in an instant and Brooke laughed. "Yeah, the longer you're stuck here the longer I can punish you for all the trouble you cause me." Sam's eyes widened to the size of tennis balls and Brooke shot her a million dollar grin. "I thought that might get a reaction from you," she chuckled, "why do you think I chose you?"_

_She shrugged, "I really don't know."_

_"If I tell you why, does that mean you're going to stop testing me with that fake rebellion? Because I can see right through it." Sam didn't say anything, but Brooke knew she'd hit a nerve. "Yeah, it doesn't really work when you're trying it out on someone who's done the same thing."_

_"That's how you test foster parents," Sam explained. "If they don't beat you or kick you out on your ass then you're allowed to like them."_

_Brooke could hear in her voice that she was nearly crying again but holding it back. "Did I pass?"_

_Finally, Sam turned to face her. "Yes," she admitted, "with flying colors."_

_Neither of them said anything, but Sam continued to look at Brooke, waiting on her to make the next move. She smiled and held out her arms, a peace offering, which Sam graciously acceded to. It'd been so long since she'd let anyone really hold her because that meant she really trusted them. Sam was surprised at how easily it calmed her down and how tiring keeping up her charade had been. _

_"So does that mean you're going to be a little nicer to me now?" Brooke joked. "No more frat parties in my boutique?" She heard Sam giggle lightly and murmur 'sure'. "Good, you can lose the rebellion and I'm sure it will be widely appreciated by more than just me."_

_"Can I at least keep the sarcastic attitude? I'd kinda miss it."_

_"Sure honey." She was aware that they'd probably never speak of this night again and tomorrow morning all she'd hear were the cynical comments, but it was nice to see the person hiding behind them. She hadn't needed to tell Sam why, it 'd been obvious and Sam had just needed the confirmation. Realizing Sam had already fallen asleep, she laid the teen down on the empty side of the bed and laughed. "I'd kind of miss it too." _

It was hard for Brooke to pinpoint the exact moment she'd fallen for Sam, but the moment she liked to remember was when Peyton had told her that Sam did actually fear not having a future in her home. Irony had struck because after all Sam had done to try to escape, now she wanted to stay. That had been the stepping stone to the rest of their relationship, the first time both of them had realized how important the other one was in their lives.

Sam was sleeping as Brooke hovered in the doorway of her bedroom. Her hand was curled around the fringed edges of the blanket and Brooke thought she'd never seen anything so innocent from Sam. She took a step further inside, afraid of waking her foster daughter and having to explain what she knew.

Her mind instantly flashed back to her own pregnancy scare and how much of a toll it had taken on her emotional state. Well what Sam was going through was more than a scare now, how much mayhem had been going on in her head? How many scattered thoughts were bouncing off each other like a game of pinball, echoing so loudly in her head that she couldn't think?

When she finally gained the courage to approach Sam's bed and sit down, it scared her how normal Sam appeared right now and that something so small was causing her so much pain and Brooke couldn't see it.

Brooke had been asking herself for the past hour now, was it her fault for not being more careful?

The doctor had told her that she could visit for as long as she pleased, that Sam had been asking, or rather begging, for her. After all the days she'd hidden this pregnancy from Brooke, she wondered if she'd finally planned on telling her today. Haley had said they were working their way up to it but she'd still been too frightened..

"Oh sweetie," she whispered, stroking Sam's hair, "what have you gotten yourself into?"

Before she could remember what she'd done, Sam began to stir. Brooke retracted her hand immediately at the notion she'd just opened up a can of worms that neither of them were ready to face yet. Sam stared up at her for a moment, remembering her surroundings and the events of the night.

She remembered calling for Brooke and now miraculously here she was.

"Brooke," her voice whispered hoarsely, "what's going on?"

_Why don't you tell me?_ Brooke wanted to ask desperately, but instead chose, "you're going to be okay."

Between the two of them was some sort of secret language because Sam picked up on the reservation in Brooke's voice. Even though the lights in her room had been dimmed she could still read the perceptive stare Brooke was throwing her way. It was over. "You know." She gasped at the revelation, of course one of the doctors must have told her. Or maybe Haley, or Julian, or Peyton but it was the same look she'd gotten from every person who'd known; a blend of shame and disappointment in her that they immediately tried to conceal as if it'd never been there in the first place. Her voice became meek. "Please don't hate me."

Sam lost it, a fit of tears spilling down her face. She was shaking so badly Brooke could feel it as she enveloped the teen into a high embrace. Her body melted against her foster mother's but didn't relax. Brooke simply waited out the storm and once Sam's tears steadied and then began to dissipate, she stopped rocking her as forcefully. The room was shrouded in fear: Brooke's for Sam and Sam's for herself.

Gently, Brooke rubbed Sam's back in even circles as a calming device and when Sam finally settled enough she took the risk of shattering the silence. "Was it Xavier?" There was more crying and a nod. "Oh…" fear gripped Brooke's heart, a choking hold. "I should have never let you go that night, this never would have happened."

"You shouldn't have come after me."

"Why?" She found Sam staring at her miserably, "You certainly weren't better off with him."

"Because I don't deserve you."

"Sam—"

"I say stuff that gets you attacked and then when you're just getting over it I have to go to and do this and—"

"Sam!" Brooke cut Sam off with a sharp tongue, grabbing both arms and staring her straight in the eye. "Listen to me and listen real well, because I'm not saying this again. What happened to you I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It's horrific and it's sickening but rape is not your fault, I don't care what excuse you try to give me. It's not. I don't love you any less for it. Okay?" Sam nodded, dissolving again and Brooke felt herself go weak. "Oh, honey," she smiled warmly, pulling Sam close to her again, "why didn't you tell me about this? All of it?"

"He-he" she stuttered, "He told me I was a slut and you'd know and then you wouldn't want me anymore." Sam wiped her eyes, "I thought being around me would just remind you of him if I told you."

"The only thing I see looking at you right now is someone who really needs my help."

"I wanted to tell you—" Sam defended herself quickly, "but I—"

"I know, Sam, I know. But I'm not going anywhere, I promise. And neither are you. I have told you a million times now that I'm not going to kick you out. No matter what happens, you are my daughter now and nothing trumps that. Not a baby, not what happened to you and certainly not Xavier."

For the first time that night, Sam broke a smile. Brooke could feel the tenseness leaving her body and she relaxed a little at the fact that she'd said the right thing. "I haven't been anybody's daughter in seven years." She said this quietly, almost ashamed of it and Brooke nodded. "Not since my parents died."

"Well, I guess it's time to let someone else in. I know I'm not your mother—"

"Yes you are," Sam interrupted, "you're not the one that raised me. And that sucks, because I still really miss her all the time, but you do all the stuff a mother's supposed to and I think…" she paused, "I love you like I did her."

"Really?" Brooke inquired in disbelief. She'd seen the nostalgic gaze in Sam's eyes as she'd retold the story of how she'd lost her parents. First loves were hard to replicate in any sense, Brooke hadn't ever expected to be a person as esteemed as Laura had been to Sam. That was just common sense to her. When Sam nodded, she nearly fainted of happiness. "I know how much she meant to you," Brooke told her compassionately, "I don't want to replace her."

Nodding, Sam fiddled with her bracelet. "I know," Sam admitted, "but I was afraid to let myself get close to you at first because…is that betraying her, Brooke?"

"Of course it's not," Brooke reassured her, but Sam wasn't quite convinced.

"People always say that's what the person would want, but I really think she'd rather be here with me instead of stuck wherever just watching. I'm just…I think about how she and my dad saved me from foster homes in the first place and I never thought of them as anyone but _real _parents. I'm just kind of scared that maybe they won't like that I let someone else _be_ that."

"They loved you, right?" Sam nodded without even thinking about it. "Well then as clichéd as it sounds, if you're happy I'm pretty sure they're going to be all right with that."

"I don't want to lose you," Sam disclosed. "Every time I get close to someone they die."

"Samantha," Brooke said seriously. "Nothing's going to happen to me."

Sam allowed herself to cry a little more and let Brooke comfort her. It was a surreal experience to finally let go. With each person the truth had become known to, Sam surrendered a small piece of her freedom. She let Mia give her advice, allowed Haley to hold her, and divulged the details of her rape to Peyton. From the beginning Sam had always resisted Brooke's authority, but now she had no other choice.

She needed help, and big time.

A hospital had been the place where she'd lost so much. Sam couldn't believe that the same place that had pronounced her sister dead was going to be the place where she finally got clarity, help, and maybe a mother? She'd always had Brooke, but now it was becoming a little easier to actually _have_ her. Give a little, take a little.

Brooke watched as Sam placed a hand over her stomach lightly. "How are you feeling?"

"Better for now, but every time they go away they just come back worse."

"The doctor asked me if you'd been under any stress lately," Brooke said knowingly, "she said it would explain the high blood pressure and the pain you've been having. If you'd kept at hiding it from me, you might have lost the baby." She studied Sam's face, gauging it for her reaction.

"I wasn't trying to kill it." She looked at Brooke with a hint of accusation. "I don't really know what happened. But I went to see Jenna and I—" she gasped and threw a hand over her mouth, "I told Julian. Crap, I forgot about that."

Despite that, Brooke was grinning, "oh yeah, that."

"What?"

"I think it was a funnier reaction than it would have been if I was pregnant." Sam cocked her head to the side and eyed Brooke somewhat confused. "He probably thought he'd heard it wrong until the doctor told us, and he started stuttering all over the place, which now that I think about it was really funny. You did the one thing I thought I'd never be able to do," she explained, "you made him speechless." Sam looked away and Brooke ran her hand up and down her back, "Oh come on, I'm trying to make you laugh a little. What's on your mind?"

"How angry at me are you for this?"

"Well," Brooke began and Sam prepared herself, "I'm a little hurt that you didn't tell me, but you had Millie on your side with that one, so I guess I understand."

"Millie?"

"Yep. I told her how worried I was about you and she pointed out that you're used to people leaving and that's why you were trying to push me away." She stopped for a second, "Sam, I know I've told you this before but you really can come and talk to me about anything, I'm not going to judge you for it. If you're in trouble, if you're scared, even if you're being sent to jail…you're not being sent to jail are you?" Sam perked up a little and even smiled, shaking her head. "That's what I like to see."

She was quiet a minute, and Brooke went silent when she realized Sam at something on her mind. "When I was little at the first foster home I went to, one of the girls got pregnant because of my foster father and he nearly killed her he was so mad. And then Jenna…I was scared. I _am_ scared," she bit her lip. "When you found me the day I took the test I really wanted to tell you, but I thought you'd be so mad so I didn't and I'm so—."

"Hey," Brooke cut her off, "stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"But I don't want to end up like my mother!"

There it was, out in the open.

"I don't want to be her; I don't want to be a statistic. I read something that said like 75% of teenage mothers were the children of women who also got pregnant as teenagers and I don't want to give my kid up and have all the things that happen to me happen to them!" Brooke got a hold on Sam to stop her from breaking down again, but she was far from calm. "Haley kept Jamie, but I don't know how to raise a kid, Brooke! I'm no where near good enough to be a mother since I haven't had one most of my life!"

"Sssh, don't worry about that now. You have a lot of options and eight months to decide what's best for you and the baby. And I'm going to be there for every second of it." Sam nodded but her face didn't show the smallest amount of intimation that she agreed. Brooke saw this and tried another route, remembering what Millie said about confiding in Sam with secrets of her own. "You know, I can understand what it might feel to be like in your position."

Sam was skeptical, "how?"

"When I was about your age, I had a pregnancy scare of my own."

"Brooke…" Sam trailed off as if she couldn't imagine this, but then remembered the high school yearbooks and some of the things Brooke had said about herself in high school. "With _who?"_

"Are you ready for this one?" she asked, ready for a walk down memory lane. "Lucas."

"_Peyton's _Lucas?"

"Watch yourself, he was mine first." Sam was staring at her drop-jawed. "Oh did I never tell you that? Never mind. The point is, there was a time in our relationship when I thought I was having his child. It's not by the same circumstances as you, but I was pretty much scared for my life."

She appeared to have Sam interested, "What'd you do?"

"Well, I wasn't pregnant so I did the right thing and lied about it to get Lucas back for our breakup," she smiled, "I wasn't much of a smart teenager."

To her surprise, Sam cracked up, "Good moral to that story, thank you Brooke."

"Yeah." Sam was watching her again, waiting. "Listen, I think you need to get some rest and then when you come home tomorrow we can have a nice long chat about this baby and your options, does that sound all right?"

Sam nodded, "are you leaving?"

"For a little bit. I have something I need to go take care of, will you be all right here with Haley?" She heard Sam whisper a yes under her breath and realized the implication she'd made towards Sam. "I'm not walking away, I'm coming right back. So get that out of your head right now. Haley will stay with you for a little, and I think you two should talk anyway."

"About that I—"

"I know. I'm glad she found out. I can't think of anyone better to help you in my place, and I know she and Peyton were helping you find the right way to tell me. Sometimes things just happen for a reason, maybe I was meant to find out this way. Who knows?"

Sam thought of Jenna and how she'd begged for help in the situation while she'd been at the graveyard with Julian. She's asked for a solution and had gotten one. "Julian…when we were at the cemetery, he told me you were worth it and I should tell you." Sam said and Brooke, acting very motherly, helped to tuck her back into the hospital bed and was on her way out when she stopped and turned back to her daughter.

"Was he right?"

"Yes," Sam replied finally, "he was."

***

Nathan and Haley stood up in unison the minute Brooke was out of Sam's hospital room. "How is she?" their simultaneous voices questioned but Brooke was on a mission and barely noticed.

"Will you stay with her?" she asked, looking back in the direction of Sam.

"Where are you going?" Haley replied, although she was already headed for Sam's room.

"To murder the son of the bitch that did this to my daughter." Haley was ready to call after Brooke but she'd already advanced down the hallway, set to take out anything in her path.

Nathan threw up his hand voluntarily, "I'll go take care of that." And he followed her.

Haley turned towards Sam, who had been watching the spectacle from afar. She thought of Jamie, at home with their neighbor, at remembered all of the chaos Carrie had caused them, how she'd been so ready to kill the woman in cold blood if it meant her child was safe. She worried about what Brooke was planning to do, but the look on Sam's face worried her more.

She pulled herself together and walked into the hospital room and sat down in the empty space where Sam had been. "This isn't exactly what I had in mind when I told you to tell Brooke," she said teasingly.

"Where's she going?" she inquired, ignoring Haley almost completely.

Yes, she could have told Sam, but she knew it would only increase the blood pressure the doctors had been working so hard to keep down. She tried to form words, anything even close to a coherent sentence but if she said the wrong that then Sam was liable to freaking out at the notion of Brooke facing Xavier again.

Which she was.

And there was no comfort in that.

**The truth is out!!! But what will Brooke do with it? You guys astound me, but you know that means I'm expecting lots of reviews this chapter! Did I meet your standards? Leave me at least 20 reviews before the next chapter! **


	11. 10: Speeding Cars

**Disclaimer: **If I owned OTH, it would be March 16th already…

**Author's Notes: **Well here I am! A day earlier than I posted last week I think, not sure. I'm in love with you guys and your reviews, but I did have one problem, a couple of you left reviews I wanted to respond to but you left them anonymous, so I couldn't! So I'm just gonna respond here. This chapter and the next I wrote hopefully to satisfy Tutorgirl so you can see why I didn't have Brooke go too crazy right in front of Sam and I hope it will be more to your liking. And Callie! It may not be an option I am going to take, but you're right about mentioning abortion. I thought about it, but I didn't want to say one way or another what my opinion was and make someone mad (because I'm sure some people are pro-life others pro-choice), and then I couldn't find a good place to mention it. And I also agree with the review Elisacolette left me as another reason. But I will, per your request, have that stated in my story because I do agree that I should mention it. This chapter is dedicated to Jodi Picoult, who I had the honor of meeting at a book signing yesterday. If you guys haven't heard of her, pick up one of her books and read them! My Sister's Keeper, Nineteen Minutes, and Handle With Care are just 3 of her amazing books and I've drawn a lot of what I write from her She inspired me to write this chapter today. She's also the most down to Earth woman I've ever met! Anyway, sorry for the long A/N. This chapter focuses more on the rape than the pregnancy and reveals something interesting about a character's past. So once again, enjoy!

_Here's the day you hoped would never come  
Don't feed me violence  
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.  
The paper cuts the cheating lovers  
The coffee's never strong enough  
I know you think it's more than just bad luck_

There there baby  
It's just text book stuff  
It's in the ABCs of growing up  
Now now darling  
Oh don't lose your head  
Cause none of us were angels  
And you know I love you yeah

- **Imogen Heap**

__Brooke's shoes made a clamor beneath her feet. They squeaked, a soft echo against the halls of the hospital with the tragic reminder. _You failed. You failed. _Every step rang in her ear, each louder than the last until Brooke was ready to break down. But she would not do this here. No.

Sam was too close.

Around her there were people whose maladies had them bound to beds, wheelchairs. She passed a middle-aged man missing a hand, two children were burn wounds and bandages clutching to their arms and legs. One woman had lines of cuts trailing up her arms and a black eye, another couple were rushed past her on gurneys, the victims of a car crash. With every turn there was another broken bone, a bloody limb, a piece of burned flesh. But Brooke knew the truth; the hurt didn't have to be on the outside to sting the most.

Xavier hadn't raped her; she didn't think he'd cared enough to hurt her that way. But with Sam, he'd known she'd find out. He'd known that this would make Brooke's skin crawl moreso than any of the bruises on her own body.

She'd failed.

Sam's voice was recorded in her head from that night. _The attack, it was my fault. _The phrase was pungent, a bitter sensation that wrought her body with shivers still thinking about it. After Sam had scampered away, Brooke had looked in the mirror and seen the girl Xavier had made her become, cuts and all.

And no matter what she'd tried to do that night, it hadn't been enough.

Owen's brutal words were still planted in the back of her head, a seed that was growing despite Brooke's harrowed attempts to pull it out by the roots. _She's a teenager, but she's not__** your**_ _teenager. _

That wasn't true, she loved Sam, she'd give anything to see that Sam was safe.

So why was she blaming herself?

Brooke had forced herself to remain composed in front of Sam. After all, she knew if she fell apart, what was to stop the fifteen year old from doing the same? Sam needed a rock, some unfaltering presence that she could lean all of her weight on without fear of it breaking. So she'd mustered up all the strength in the world and faced her daughter, but that didn't mean her heart wasn't feeling like it'd been smashed to pieces by a hammer.

The baby was another story entirely. She'd seen the way the life had run out of Sam's body when she'd realized that Brooke knew the truth, which only made Brooke more determined to prove that her love for Sam wasn't conditional. Sam's pregnancy didn't invoke anger, it invoked fear. But she wouldn't let Sam know that.

It was like walking straight into a vortex, the walls were white around her and she stormed so quickly down the hallway, brushing past doctors and patients and feeling like she'd never make it out.

When she made it to the entryway of the hospital, Brooke finally realized she was being followed.

"Nathan?" she turned when she heard him calling her. "What are you—"

"You can't do this Brooke," he said.

"Do what?" she played dumb, "You really think I'm going to—"

He cut her off again. "Kill him? No, but I think anything that has to do with Xavier is a big mistake. Look I hate him, Brooke. I hate him for what he did to Quinten and I hate him for what he did to Sam. But he's in jail and that's how it is, you're not going to change anything by going to see him. Go back upstairs and be with Sam, she needs you the most."

Brooke could feel her eyes welling up. "He raped her Nathan. She needed me the most _then_ and I wasn't there. I can't explain why I need to see him, but I do. You can be with me or against me, but I'm going."

"Brooke—"

"Nathan," her voice grew soft. "What if it was Jamie?"

_Carrie._ It had been Jamie once. Under different circumstances, it'd been Jamie. So Nathan nodded, and regardless of his original intentions, followed her to her car and sat quietly while she drove them to the jail.

***

Julian could drive to Brooke's house in his sleep with how often he was there.

The lights were all still on, he guessed Brooke had run out of the house without thinking, Sam made people forget the most simple things. He let himself in. Lock and key, an effortless question. But these days it seemed like he was mixing up all of his keys, trying them in the wrong doors and screwing it all up.

Sam's coat was draped over the couch. _So much for that_, he thought, remembering how she began to shiver as she realized she left it behind. It'd scared him to have to bring her to the hospital, to be responsible for someone that couldn't be responsible for herself. The entire time he'd been sitting in the waiting room chairs, he'd asked himself what if?

What if he'd stopped her before they'd reached the graveyard?

What if she wasn't okay?

What if Brooke never forgave him.

That'd been silly, because Sam was okay and would be home tomorrow. But he'd needed to get away, because of the one word that had glazed him over more than any other. _Pregnant. _

She was fifteen years old. Fifteen was the age he'd started calling his father Paul instead of dad, the year he'd taken to his mother's last name, the year he'd decided that he was going to make a difference in his life. It was the year Julian had begun to grow up.

But not enough.

She was fifteen.

That alone scared him, because he cared about her almost as much as Brooke did. (Julian had always believed nothing could trump a mother's love for her child) But there was an underlying factor there that he didn't care to think about. It was the fact that he would look at Sam, and he wouldn't see her. He'd see Peyton and remember the time _she'd _been pregnant with his child.

Upon returning from the cafeteria where he'd gone to get them something to eat, Julian had found Brooke and Nathan gone and caught a glimpse of Peyton. He'd slipped out of the hospital when he'd seen her coming although he'd wanted to stay for Brooke. But if she knew and she saw him, well that'd just be a mess. When Sam had told him about her pregnancy, it'd hard enough but with Sam it was like a signal he couldn't just be happy.

He could never tell Brooke this.

So he worked extra hard to prepare her surprise in replacement.

***

"All right look, I'm only going to ask one more time," Peyton said rounding the corner of the desk and ready to get at the computer information herself, but Lucas gently pulled her back to him. "Samantha Walker, I got a call saying she's here and I want to see her and make sure she's okay

"We're not liable to release any information about a patient to anyone other but family," the receptionist said coldly, returning her focus to the file she was typing up. Lucas noticed how Peyton was almost fuming.

"What do you mean family? I'm best friends with her mother –"

"Haley."

Peyton stopped, interrupted by Luca's sudden outburst. "What? No," she said turning to him, "_Brooke."_

"No," Lucas reiterated, "Haley," he gestured and she turned to see her friend walking towards her.

Haley greeted Peyton with a hug, "she's fine," and instantly they were all aware the kind of footprint Sam had begun leaving in their life. "I guess it's a good thing Lucas texted me to let me know you guys were here before you breathed fire on them."

Peyton wilted a little, "Brooke called me and said that Sam…" she trailed off, "does she know?"

With a slight grimace, Haley nodded and the three of them fell into step as she led them toward Sam's room. "The doctor told her thinking she knew. She talked with Sam and then ran off, Nathan took off after her."

"Where'd she go?" Lucas queried as they reached the area outside her room.

"She said she was going to kill the bastard that raped her daughter." Haley paused, realized Lucas had known none of this information. His eyes were wide as it dawned on him that they were talking about Sam an Xavier. "You…probably weren't expecting that, were you?"

"Not really," he admitted. "So is she…you said the doctor told Brooke. But that what, that she's…"

"Pregnant," Haley finished for him. "Sam's been hiding the rape from us for a little over a month now, but last week when she started acting especially weird, Brooke knew something was up. She told Mia, and in the past 24 hours I overheard Mia, Nathan heard from me, Sam and I told Peyton. She then told Julian before passing out and the doctor told Brooke. Long story short, it's been a rough week for Sam."

Lucas opened his mouth but no words came out while Peyton huddled close to him. "Wow."

"She took aspirin, apparently she's been taking it all week, and it caused her to cramp and get nauseous and dizzy. I guess it won out because she passed out because Julian brought her here."

"Julian?" Peyton raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, she was with him at the time, Brooke was with us. Now Nathan is with Brooke, we're with Sam and I don't know where the hell Julian disappeared to."

"That's a lot of information," Lucas groaned, trying to process it all. "But she's okay?" He didn't know Sam very well, but then really neither did any of them. She was still a new addition to their weird family tree but that didn't mean he still wasn't concerned when he saw her through the window, half-asleep.

"Yeah," Haley took a deep breath. "In the physical sense as long as she takes it down a notch with the stress she'll be okay, but I don't know what's going on in her head. I didn't even know what to tell her when Brooke disappeared; I didn't want to freak her out more."

"I'll go talk to her," Peyton volunteered.

"What are you going to say?" Lucas asked.

"No clue," Peyton said, "but hey, I'll improvise."

***

She hadn't always been this paranoid.

Nathan and Brooke hadn't said a word so Brooke instead focused her attention not on the awkward tension, but the road. It was much easier to lose herself in the twists and turns of the road than the ones in her life.

Brooke had only been to jail once, when she'd been locked up for supposedly and it'd been a holding unit. But Xavier, he'd probably be in maximum security, where he'd stay until the case for Quentin's death was tried. She'd remembered hearing Haley talking about that and had thought about how she hadn't reported her own attack because she hadn't wanted the publicity. If she had, would Sam still have faced this?

They pulled into the jail that sat at the edge of Tree Hill and Brooke realized all she had was a map with no destination. She didn't have the slightest intimation about what was going to happen but she knew she needed to say something to Xavier, something that would stick with him for the rest of his life.

Could she make him sorry he did that to her daughter? Sorry he messed with Brooke Davis?

Nathan could read Brooke's hesitation purely through her eyes. "We can turn around right now," he told her, trying to remain supportive.

"I know," Brooke replied, almost zombie-like, "but I can't."

She grabbed her purse and remembered the gun that was still tucked away in the lining of the purse, sealed in its pocket. Her hand fished around for the zipper and once it was open Brooke's fingers grazed the cool metal. Something about the gun was comforting and it made her feel strong in her weakest moments.

Nathan was at her side before Brooke was aware. "What?" he asked and she sighed a moment before moving her hand long enough for him to look inside her bag and realize what was there. "He's not going to get to you," Nathan told her in comfort, "he can't hurt you anymore."

"He already hurt my daughter," Brooke replied and the tears began to fall, effacing the wall she'd put up.

Somewhat awkwardly, Nathan pulled Brooke to him. He'd been expecting this eventually, but she didn't fit with him the way Haley did and it was always weird to be holding Brooke when she was usually so strong. He remembered the day of Quinten's funeral and how her body had softened against his.

"I couldn't protect her, Nate," she confided in him. "I love Sam so much, how come I couldn't see what he did to her? Isn't a mother supposed to see that stuff?"

"Did Haley know Carrie was going to kidnap Jamie?" Nathan asked rhetorically, "we can't predict every move our kids take and we can't keep them in a bubble. What Xavier did to Sam is so reprehensible I don't know how he lives with himself, but just like it's not her fault, it's not yours either."

"I want to kill him myself," Brooke admitted. "I want to watch him suffer."

"You and me both. But you can't."

Can't wasn't a word that Brooke liked to associate with herself. It professed flaws in someone, something that would not be the way she wanted it no matter what route she took.

Brooke had seamlessly found a way around every boundary that had tried to block her path and she'd assumed that things would always work out that way. As a teenager, it'd been selfishly so that she fought for things to work out in a way that suited her and somehow they always had. It bewildered her that when she'd finally made a choice to fight for someone else's cause that she didn't have control this time.

He held her close for a few minutes so she could pull herself together. Brooke hated crying and then empty feeling that followed it. She felt soggy and waterlogged, like something that had been washed up on shore of the ocean. To obviate tears, Brooke would often do anything. She'd scream, engross herself in a busy task, anything that didn't leave her feeling worse than she had initially. She'd inherited all of this from her mother.

Would Sam inherit anything from her? Did it work that way?

"I still want to do this," she affirmed and he exhaled piercingly but didn't say anything else.

"Okay," he agreed. "But either I come with you, or that gun does."

She remembered the weapon now. Her hand had curved around it, the fit of two puzzle pieces, the day she'd held it against Xavier's bare skin. Brooke had come so close, and if Sam hadn't stopped her, he'd be dead.

Sam matter more.

With a heavy sigh, she pulled the gun from her hand and left it underneath the seat of the car. _I'd never be able to get it past security anyway_, she reminded herself as a consolation prize, but it didn't satisfy her.

Nathan's lips formed a tight smile, but he was still worried. He wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders and led them to the doorway.

The first step.

***

Before the accident had taken away her life, Sam had been a dancer. She was eight and tiny, but fierce and was learning steps way advanced for her age at the time. Her teacher had been teaching her improvising which was by definition _to perform or compose something without any preparation or set text to follow _but Sam just hadn't been very good at it. Random music would be played, sometimes something Sam had never heard, and she'd been expected to create a dance on the spot with no prior teaching.

But that was the problem with choreography, it was tricky and most of the time Sam tried it she found herself tripping over her own two feet as her moves blended together. Dance was supposed to be like water, flowing it one cohesive unit, but all Sam could manage was mud: sloppy and gross.

She'd learned quickly that improvising was not her thing, she needed a story to work off of, a solid routine that wouldn't change regardless.

Her eyes traced the pattern on the wall, thinking maybe she could bore herself to sleep.

A knock on the door quickly that erased thought and Peyton entered. "Hey," she said and Sam looked up.

"Hi." A soft smile played across her face, "come to tell me what Haley wouldn't?"

"Boy you are a smart ass," Peyton laughed, "how are you feeling?"

"Well enough to know you just tried to go off on a tangent on me and I'm not falling for it," Sam countered, "you know where Brooke went. Haley knows where Brooke went. What's the big deal, where'd she go?"

Peyton sat down at the edge of the bed and stared at Sam for a moment. "Brooke went to confront Xavier for what he did to you," she explained, purposely not telling Sam what Brooke had said to Haley.

"What?!" Sam screamed, reacting as had been anticipated. She shot up and threw her feet over the edge of the bed, slipping down from it. "Why did you ever let her go to see him?! She's not ready for that, she's still not over it, she can't handle him!"

Sam wasn't sure where she was trying to run, but she flew out the door and past Peyton before she could respond. If she thought she could stop Brooke, she was surely mistaken. Haley saw her coming and threw out her arms, wrapping them around Sam's waist to restrain her.

"Hey," she flipped into mother mode, "what's going on?"

"Why'd you let her go?" Sam asked again as Peyton came up behind them, this time her voice was more strained, "You shouldn't have let her go see him!" Haley nodded, trying to understand. "How could she want to go back to him for me after what he attacked her? She can't do that!"

"Okay, okay." Haley gripped her a little tighter, as Sam was still fighting. But damage had already been done. "You have to calm down, sweetie," Haley reminded her, "you don't want to hurt the baby."

Sam stopped dead in her tracks when she heard this, and her knees went weak.

"Hey," Haley said as she helped her stand again, "come on, let's go back inside." Peyton and she walked Sam into the room and she willingly climbed back into the bed. "Nothing's going to happen to Brooke," Haley tried to reassure Sam, "he's locked up."

"Sometimes people just need closure," Peyton clarified, and Haley made a mental note to keep that in her head. Still, Sam wasn't buying it.

"What if she tries to do something stupid?" It was a valid question, Haley had to admit.

"Nathan's with her," Haley said.

"Like he can really stop her," Sam spat back, wringing the blanket in her hands, "Brooke does what she wants." Her head dropped, "she shouldn't have gone there. It's going to make things worse."

"I'm sure it won't," Haley said again and ran her hand up and down Sam's back as she calmed down, but it was clear that Sam still wasn't completely with them. Her mind was off in another direction, dangerously close to getting lost. "What are you thinking about?"

"I still see him," she confessed meekly. "Every day I can picture his ugly face and hear the rasp of his voice and it makes me sick." Sam swallowed and glanced up at Haley and then to Peyton. "Why would Brooke go back there? She's going to see him now too, because you never forget. I'll never forget being raped and she'll never forget being attacked. You can't escape that stuff, so why open a door that's already closed?"

"Because she hasn't locked that door yet," Peyton followed the metaphor. "She wants to, for both of you."

"I don't know if I can ever really lock the door," Sam choked on the breath she didn't know she was holding. "He'll always be right there on the other side. And I mean what if…" she hesitated.

"What?" Peyton inquired, waiting for the rest of the sentence.

Sam wiped her face clear of tears and stared at Peyton. "What if the baby looks like him?"

***

If he could make Brooke smile and laugh, Julian would consider this a success.

He didn't know when Brooke would be back, but whenever it was her surprise would be waiting for her. He'd worked for two hours now with all of the plans he'd put together. There was more to the plan that would be done in person. In fact, the main event wasn't even this, but he knew Brooke would fall in love with the way he planned things. And for Julian, the two hours was well worth was would come as an after product.

Two hours had also been the amount of time he'd tried to keep his mind off of Sam's pregnancy, off of Peyton. He didn't love her anymore, not like he did Brooke, but if he told Brooke what had happened, would she hate him for eternity? Was he really willing to risk losing what he'd worked so hard to earn.

There were pictures of Brooke and Peyton like polka dots on the walls and table. One here, one there, she was an important part of Brooke's life. He'd look at the smiling face in those snapshots and remember the look on her face, that same smile, when she'd told him she was pregnant.

And then he'd remember the after, what nobody cared to photograph.

Lucas was so damn lucky now. But so was he, he had Brooke.

Julian recollected the moment Sam had spilled the beans that Peyton was pregnant, how both of their hearts had skipped a beat and he'd fumbled with his words. _Wow, that's really hard to hear for historical reasons_, he'd said as if they were both over it, and she'd nodded.

That was the driving force that pushed them apart and ultimately brought Brooke to him so Julian wasn't sure to be thankful or remorseful. He faced his work again, and decided to stop thinking. It'd be much easier.

Leaving the surprise hiding in the darkness, he turned off all the lights and left to wait for a call.

***

Sam finally fell asleep about an hour later and Lucas was still hanging around outside where he'd been the whole night. Haley and Peyton left the hospital room to find him there.

"So…attack?" he asked the minute the door to Sam's room clicked shut.

Peyton bit her lip, Sam hadn't known that Brooke's attack was a secret that had never officially been shared so Peyton didn't blame her that she'd, in all her frustration, share it without warning. But that didn't erase the fact that Brooke would have some explaining to do.

"Funny," Haley agreed, "I was wondering the same thing."

***

Jail smelled like shit.

They were both thinking this and Brooke felt uneasy.

With uncertainty, they approached the desk where a man sat reading a magazine. "Name?" he grunted.

"Brooke Davis," she said nervously.

"Name of the _inmate?_" he corrected and Brooke felt stupid.

"Xavier Daniels."

He took her name and she stepped through the metal detector. She lied for way she wanted to see Xavier, but that hardly mattered. Nathan wasn't allowed in with her so he waited patiently in the lobby.

The area was a small phone booth like she'd seen in so many movies. There were officers guarding on both sides of the wall of plastic that separated the free from the prisoners. Brooke's only privacy from the other visitors was two wooden walls on either side of her. She took a seat and tried not to notice her own discomfort as she waited for what she'd been so sure she wanted.

Wasn't it funny how stuff like that worked out?

It was too late to run when she saw his figure being led toward them. Brooke wondered if anyone else ever visited him. Xavier was skinnier than she'd last seen him but still bald and seeing him still made her shudder.

She wasn't sure how she'd expected him to respond but Xavier took one look at Brooke and made a face like he'd made her day, which had Brooke quivering more. He was in an orange jumpsuit, the label for criminal, and sat down nonchalantly, picking up the phone on his side of the booth and waiting patiently for her to do the same.

Shaking so hard she almost dropped it, Brooke cradled the phone in her hand for a second before lifting it to her ear. _Have a nice night _she heard before he even spoke.

"Well well," he hissed, "Brooke Davis. What a nice surprise."

**So what'd you think?!? More to come next chapter! I appreciated the 27 reviews you left me this chapter! I'm hoping for at least 22 more (my lucky number!) because you've been so great. We will hear more about Julian, Sam's adopted family, and plenty more. (Just so we're clear, the Peyton thing I made up, I didn't get that from the show). REVIEW!!! : )**


	12. 11: We Build

**Disclaimer: **Don't own One Tree Hill or the characters. What a shame.

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry this took two weeks, but I wanted it to be good. You'll have to let me know if I did a good job. More Brulian to come next chapter, along with a Mia scene and of course, Haley/Peyton/Lucas.

**Setting: **January 2009

_It's bigger than we thought  
It's taller than it ought to be  
This pile of rubble and ruins  
Did it seem to you  
Like the storm just knew  
We weren't quite finished with the roof  
When it started?_

So we build  
We build  
We clear away what was and make room for what will be  
If you hold the nails, I'll take the hammer  
I'll hold it still, if you'll climb the ladder  
If you will, then I will, build

-**Nichole Nordeman**

Shell-shocked was the term that defined people who were so aghast that they couldn't string words into a sentence. After he'd spoken, Brooke was past even that.

"What?" he asked when the silence prevailed, "Cat got your tongue?"

There was a cocky tone about him because he knew he still had power over her thoughts, no matter what Brooke was telling herself. "You son of a bitch," she whispered into the receiver, the five words being carried through the cord and into his waiting ears. "You raped my daughter." Her tone raised, "you filthy pig."

A snide grin washed over his face like water. He could have cared less Brooke realized as she surveyed Xavier's demeanor. Sam was just another notch on his belt, an invisible trophy, and he probably didn't even remember her name.

"You filthy pig." It didn't have any more impact the second time, but it lessened Brooke's rage. He'd yet to respond and Brooke wasn't even aware that she was holding her own breath. He was already saying so much without even talking. Xavier's chocolate eyes –the same color's as Sam's, Brooke noticed— were piercing her, a laser cutting through her flesh and aiming straight at her heart.

"She was easy," he finally said and Brooke immediately wished she hadn't come. "Best of all the teenagers I've done, definitely. Although…" he stopped, "she couldn't have been a little more enjoyable about it. Selfish bitch."

Brooke nearly shattered the glass in an effort to choke him and watch the life drain from his body like he was doing to Sam. Whether he was present in her life or not, Xavier had some invisible hold on Sam and she was slowly suffocating. Both of them were. "She never did anything to you," Brooke replied helplessly. "Why did you have to do this to my daughter?"

It was clear to Brooke that she was asking for answers she'd never truly receive, like reaching into the darkness and expecting to come out with a prize. And what was she doing instead of finding answers? Feeding him her pain and guilt and anguish in hopes it would clear her conscience, but all Brooke was really accomplishing was making him stronger. Xavier grew off of every inch of pain she showed him.

He didn't have a conscience and he didn't have a heart.

"What?" his voice surprised Brooke as she was shaken from her thoughts, "Didn't get what you came for? You think coming here to talk to me is going to earn you some sort of penance for being the bitch that you are? I'll tell you what, being rich and getting to wave your money around in everyone's face doesn't make you any better than anyone else. We're no different, you and I."

Tears were coming and Brooke refused to let him see her cry.

"We're _very _different."

"No we're not," he insisted, "what I may or may not have done to that girl is no better than you letting it happen. Just because you're too wrapped up in your own life to deal with that brat isn't my problem."

"It's not my fault," she said loudly, a statement that would have been more convincing if she herself had believed it as well. "What happened to Sam isn't my fault."

"It sure is," Xavier pushed, knowing she was close to a breaking point and doing all her could to give the final nudge that'd make her tumble over the edge. "You're a weakling; you couldn't even shoot me when you had the chance."

"I loved Sam more," Brooke maintained, a worthless battle. Why had she come here?

"You could have hit me harder, _really_ left a mark. You know, black eyes, bloody scars and bruises. That would have really proved something, but you're a failure even at that."

Xavier said this in a way he knew would reach her. She reflexively felt her face for the feeling of her hot skin covered in scars and she shuddered remembering how she'd held an ice pack over her skin for hours and it'd still hurt in a way that couldn't be fixed. He was trying to make her remember and she was falling for it.

"You don't love that girl; you only care about making yourself feel better."

Right about then, something in Brooke snapped.

She did love Sam, she'd been telling herself that 5,000 ways all night. Her jaw tightened, firming under the strain of his words. "You're scum," she said suddenly. "You are a worthless piece of shit that gets joy out of seeing other people hurt. And you know why I didn't shoot you? Because _that girl_ that you only see as a prop, that wonderful teenager, means more to me than a bullet in your skull."

He was taken off guard by her sudden strength, and she could sense his struggling to rebut.

"Besides, it's better this way, because now you get to spend the rest of your life in a cell, suffering. And we get to be free of this and free of you. I don't care why you did this anymore Xavier; all I know is that karma's a bitch, and sooner or later you're going to get what's coming to you. And no one is going to care."

"Oh Brooke Davis," he taunted, "You think your threats scare me?"

"I think that Sam and I may have made mistakes, but your biggest mistake was messing with us."

He stared at her through the glass, their eyes holding on the other for a second before she pulled her gaze away. It was the last real glimpse she'd take of the man who'd caused them a mountain of pain.

"You deserved everything I did," he said in a last effort to get to her, "Such a selfish—"

"Bitch?" she finished, "Well I'd rather be a selfish bitch than a bastard that's going to die cold and alone."

As that dawned on him, Brooke forever would have the picture of his vulnerable face frozen in her mind. It last only a moment, but it felt good. She dropped the phone, not taking any care to hang it back up, and walked away.

He couldn't reach her anymore.

***

_"That fucking bitch!"_

_Sam stalked down the streets of Tree Hill, meeting Jack on the corner of the street at the cross-section of cars. She kicked a rock out of her path angrily. "So if I couldn't tell by the smoke blowing out of your ears, I would guess you were angry," he mused._

_"No shit Sherlock," she muttered and they fell into step down the sidewalk. "Some people are so damn selfish. Can I help it that I don't have the money for any nice clothes and I have to steal them? No. But apparently she can't deal with just one shirt…it's not even that nice."_

_"So you didn't get it then?"_

_"No, I did, but I had to fight for it and it's not even worth it now." Jack snickered and she glared at him in a way that he immediately backed off. "It's not funny, I've had enough dealing with my fricken foster parents today, I didn't need some rich bitch all up in my face too." _

_She pulled the shirt out from her backpack and Jack gave her a half-smile. "It's not even like anything you normally wear," he said, somewhat baffled. "Why'd you want it so bad anyway?"_

_"I don't know," Sam said quietly, dropping her arms by her side. Jack stared at her for a second and dropped it, but a minute later Sam admitted. "It was my sister's favorite color. She would have liked it."_

_"Well I doubt that woman knew," Jack scoffed and then realized his mistake and tried another tactic. "So let's just move on and you can go to another store and we'll get something better."_

_"I don't even care anymore." Sam groaned and sped up, moving ahead of Jack. "People like that really need to chill and someone should put her in her place."_

Sam rolled over in bed and tried to push the memory out of her mind. If she could just focus on something else, she told herself, the thought of him would go away. The thought of Brooke with him would go away.

Denial was like a sea that was just better to drown in.

***

Nathan was waiting for her as patiently as he could manage out in the parking lot for the jail.

In all the years he'd known Brooke, he'd never been waiting on her. Brooke was the kind of person that moved 100 miles an hour and left the crowd in the dust behind her. He was used to Haley, who took things at her own perfect pace that Nathan had figured out a long time ago. But with Brooke, he wasn't used to the worry that came with waiting, because she could come back to him in various ways.

He remembered the dark circles that had appeared like streaks of makeup around her eyes. A fall down the stairs, that was her excuse, but Haley had been adamant that something else was wrong.

_'What do you mean?' he'd asked so foolishly as they'd been choosing clothes from their closet for Quinten's funeral, one tragedy weighing so heavily down on Nathan he wasn't sure he could deal with another._

_'What do you mean what do I mean?' Haley had shot back. 'She's got marks like someone grabbed her, like this was more than just some accident. And she's different, she's withdrawn. Falling down the stairs would not make Brooke disappear mentally. It's something else.'_

Nathan looked up to find Brooke flying out the doorway and down the stairs.

"What happened?" he asked as she launched herself into his arms. That was Brooke, actions before words always. He folded her into his embrace as he'd done before, but a little less cautiously this time.

She sniffled and pressed her face into his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she apologized, "I didn't realize it'd make me this crazy to see him again." Nathan nodded but didn't interrupt. "He told me I didn't love her, and that I wasn't any different than her because I let it happen. And I did, Nate. I let it happen."

"No you didn't."

"Yes, I did. He said that I thought of this as some sort of penance because I was too wrapped up in my own life to worry about Sam. And he's right; if I'd chased after her she wouldn't have gone to him. But I just stood there and I didn't do anything about it, I practically sent her right into his waiting grasp."

He led Brooke to a concrete wall that circled around the prison that looked like it was usually adorned with flowers and other plants to spruce up the place. Decorate something and maybe it'd be harder to see how bad it actually was. Brooke, by rote memory, could lay down a conversation between her and Peyton in her head in this type of situation, but with Nathan she wasn't sure what to expect.

"Why did she run away?" he asked her. "That's the one part I never understood. I thought it was just a fight between you guys or something but you're making it sound like there was more than you ever let on."

That was the segway, her chance to be honest with someone else and find a little more peace. "I didn't come here tonight just for her Nathan," she replied quietly. "I came here to face him…because he attacked me." She glanced up to see his response and was surprised that his face didn't turn sheet white like Peyton's had. "He attacked me in my store. That's where the bruises came from. I told Sam about it and a few hours later she came home with the designs that had been stolen from me and told me the attack was her fault. Which it wasn't, but I let her go anyway."

"She knew about it all along?"

"I don't think so, Sam was genuinely shocked when I told her about it, but between the time I told her and the time the came home with my sketches Jack must have told her. Xavier is his older brother."

A wall of silence filled the space between them and Brooke shuffled her feet against the grass.

"I could have stopped all of this. She's going to go through eight more months of hell because of it. He made me so angry, but what if he was right? What if I was selfish?"

"Brooke…" Nathan trailed off. "You need to let this all go."

"How? I can fight it, I can fight _him_, but it's never really gone."

"Sam obviously doesn't blame you; I'm sure she blames herself. And I'm sure you told her it wasn't her fault so I'm telling you it's not any more yours than it is hers." Her eyes avoided his shamefully, but if Brooke was being truthful he was reading her like a book. "She's going to be suffering awfully less than she would have without you."

He said this sweetly and Brooke smiled, touched by his geniality. "Thank you, Nathan."

"You're welcome." Rubbing her arm gently, he continued, "and if you need anything, that offer from the day of the funeral still stands. Don't try to hold so much in."

Brooke wiped her eyes. She could barely see him in the darkness and the cold was making her shiver. "You're right," she admitted, her hand soaked with the remnants of her tears, "I need to let it all go. When I got Sam back, I was facing him as my attacker. Tonight I faced him as my daughter's rapist. He's not worth any more of my time, but Sam is. I need to go see her."

"I'll drive you back to the hospital," he offered. "And have Haley meet me there."

"But Jamie—" she quickly intervened, remembering the child they'd already left behind once for her tonight.

"Is asleep at home, and you're way too emotional to be behind the wheel right now. You can take the drive to rest your mind." He smiled, "don't try to argue with me, Brooke."

Shoulders dropping, Brooke gave in to the mental and physical exhaustion and simply nodded. "You're a good guy," she said and walked around the side of her car. "I'm glad I get to see that." Nathan thought she was heading for the passenger seat and climbed into the driver's side. But she moved to the back of the car, grabbed something, and then was next to him. "Get rid of this for me," she begged, handing him the gun, "I don't think I need it anymore."

He took it from her and nodded, another step towards moving on.

***

_"So how was it?"_

_"How was what?"_

_Sam looked up from her cereal to meet Brooke's eye. "I guess what I really should be asking was how was __**he**__?" She shot Brooke an award-winning smile, well aware of the thin ice she was treading._

_Brooke glared, "Oh Sam don't start with me. Seriously, don't start with me."_

_"That bad?" she scrunched her face and Brooke had to restrain from groaning. "Oh well, at least you found out ahead of time. If the sex is no good neither is the relationship." She swallowed another mouthful of cereal to keep from smiling at her own joke._

_"We didn't do anything," Brooke defended herself and Sam snickered._

_"Sure you didn't. Just like you __**didn't **__have a date last night and you __**weren't**__ in the middle of a make out session when I came home. Thank god I left when I did, five minutes more I might have been exposed to…well…a more exposed—"_

_"I suggest you finish that statement right there," Brooke snapped, clearly not amused, "or I'm sure the foster agency would love to see you again."_

_But Brooke wasn't managing well with her intimidation skills. "Hollow threat, Brooke," Sam laughed, throwing her bowl in the sink and heading for the doorway. She swung her bag over her shoulder. "But hey, whatever. Do what you want. Just please use protection, because I wouldn't want anybody in this house to end up pregnant."_

_She was still laughing hysterically when the door shut behind her and Brooke shook her head. "That girl is going to give me gray hair before I turn 30," she mumbled. "Pregnant, right."_

_Little did either of them know then that it wasn't Brooke that they needed to worry about._

***

Sam was becoming a master at pretending.

She laid on her side, curled up into a small ball that took up only a fraction of the bed. It was late, already close to ten and Haley, Lucas, and Peyton had been forced to leave by the nurses a few hours ago. She'd almost begged Haley to stay with her, but she'd remembered Jamie and then thought better of it, bearing a mask of strength and saying she'd be just fine.

But in reality, all she could think about was Brooke.

It wasn't plausible that she'd be seeing her mother again tonight, she realized, but every time one of the nurses entered to check her vitals Sam held her breath.

"A fifteen year old pregnant girl," one of the older women had whispered under her breath when she was under the assumption Sam was asleep. "That's appealing."

She wondered silently is the heart monitor could read the pain circulating through her heart in waves.

Right around the time the clock on the wall edged it's hand over the ten, she heard the door click open again and there was a sudden presence on the bed that drew Sam away from her thoughts and back to reality. She rolled over to find Brooke lying there, watching her.

"Visiting hours were over like three hours ago," she kept her voice low.

"Like I was really going to let that stop me."

Sam came up on one elbow, "How'd you get past the nurses?"

"With my super slick invisibility skills," she joked and Sam shot her a look, "I'm sneaker than you might think. Besides, when I really want something or someone nothing gets in my way.

"You mean like Xavier?"

Brooke paused, a hesitation. "I guess I deserved that," she admitted and they were both aware of the awkward atmosphere created around them.

"Why'd you leave?"

Brooke frowned, opening her mouth as a million different answers fluttered to her lips, but before one could escape she shut it again. There were right and wrong ways to handle this, but she knew Sam was fragile and didn't want to hurl the wrong reason her way. "I'm sorry," she admitted her flaw, "I can't explain it Sam; it was something I needed to do for me, but I did it for you too. I can't hate him for my attack and your rape, I can't Sam, because it'll just be wasting my time. I thought facing him was the answer to accepting this so we both can move forward." Brooke waited a moment for Sam's response, but none came. "Are you angry with me?"

"You came back," Sam replied simply, which was an answer all its own. She rolled onto her back and staring at the ceiling, inquiring, "So did it work?"

"I'm not all that sure," Brooke confessed. "But I think it did."

"You should have taken me with you."

"You weren't ready for this," Brooke replied protectively.

"Neither were you."

They both quieted. Sam glanced sideways at her every so often and then looked away immediately as if she were afraid to be caught watching Brooke and be sucked into conversation. But Brooke decided now was a better time than ever to discuss the one thing they both feared bringing out into the open. It was convenient; neither of them could raise their voices or risk Brooke being caught and getting thrown out.

She tenderly reached out for Sam's hand, the space between them was little and she felt Sam tense a little. "We need to talk about your options," she whispered, but Sam didn't respond. "Sam—" she began but was cut off.

"My options?" Sam repeated with a touch of scorn in her voice, "I don't have any options."

"There's adoption…abortion…" Brooke waited and then continued, "you don't have to decide now, but—"

"So you're telling me I can either kill this baby and pretend that it never existed or give it away and pretend it never happened? Or maybe I can keep it and look at this child every day and think of _him_." A tear slipped down the side of her cheek, pulling at Brooke's heartstrings. "There's no right decision Brooke, no matter what happens I'm not going to be able to take back the nine months it grew inside me. I'm never going to get that back."

She rolled back onto her side and squashed her face into the pillow, sobbing. Brooke paused, taken aback by Sam's outburst and unsure of the appropriate reaction.

Sam mumbled something but it was suppressed by the pillow. "What, honey?"

"Decide for me," she said again.

"Sam, I can't do that."

"Yes you can," Sam responded. "You're my mother, you're supposed to tell me what to do."

"But you're this baby's mother," Brooke reminded her gently, "and that means ultimately you have to decide what's best for it." Sam's face crumpled and Brooke squeezed her hand. "But you know what? Whatever you do decide to do, I'm going to support you."

This seemed to good to be true and Sam looked at her cautiously. "Even if I choose abortion?"

Brooke stopped a second, "is that what you want to do?"

"I don't know," Sam confessed, "but I mean if I did, you wouldn't think of me as a killer?"

"What I think about any choice you make in this situation doesn't matter," Brooke reassured her, "but no, Sam, I could never see you as a killer. I am here for you no matter what. If you choose to end the pregnancy then I will sit with you through the procedure and hold your hand. If you want to put it up for adoption, then we will search for the best family together. And if you want to keep this baby, then I will raid every store for all the supplies we need, though I think I'm still a little too young to be a grandmother. You don't think I look that old yet right? Please tell me no."

When Sam laughed at the comment, Brooke's heart warmed. "Far from it, don't worry."

"Good." They both shared a mutual smile. "Sam, I'm serious, you're stuck with me now, so you'd better get used to it." Sam didn't reply, but she scooted closer and Brooke took that as a sign that she was fine with the idea. "Go to sleep, sweetie, I'm not going anywhere."

Sam relaxed and her breathing became less labored. Brooke was nearly asleep too when she heard the nurse come in. She looked up, like a deer in headlights, expecting to be kicked out, but when the nurse saw her she just held a knowing grin.

"Oh I won't tell," the young woman said, "you're taking better care of her than any of us could." She winked at Brooke and turned towards the doorway, "If anyone asks, I was never here."

"Thank you," Brooke said, her gaze still fixed on Sam sleeping beside her.

"Not a problem. Long night, I understand." She lingered in the doorway a moment and left.

"Yeah," Brooke said after she was gone, not taking her eyes off Sam. "Long night."

**Feedback, please?**


	13. 12: Thinking Over

**Disclaimer: **Same old: Don't own OTH or the characters.

**Author's Note: **I apologize for the lack of updates, it's been really hard to stay motivated because I'm afraid you're all not still enjoying it and it's a lot of pressure to keep getting better with the chapters. I'd really appreciate all the feedback I can get. I'm not following all of the show here: Haley will not be fired, Peyton may not have pregnancy issues and as of right now the movie has not shut down but everything else is the way it's been on the show up to 6x18. So no Sam hasn't seen Jack. I'm going to try really hard to have another update soon and I have break next week so there should be a chance before then.

**Setting: **January 2009

_I've been searching for a reason  
And I'm running out of time  
I can feel that it's the season  
It's time to make up my mind_

And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do  
There are so many thoughts in my head  
There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose  
So I'm thinking over the things that you've said  
Thinking over the things...

**-Dana Glover**

Her head was spinning.

Sam swung her feet over the edge of the bed, searching for the strength to stay on her feet long enough to change into the sweats she'd been given to wear home. The clothes she'd arrived in, now wet and caked in dirt had been bagged and handed over to Brooke to be washed. As Sam pulled the fuzzy material over her legs and then fitted the top around her head, she tried not to let exhaustion get the best of her. She'd been up a majority of the night before, although not because she'd been in pain. No, it'd been the indelible feeling that maybe Brooke wasn't going to be there the next time she opened her eyes. So like clockwork every half an hour her eyes would spring open and when Brooke was still lying next to her, sleeping soundly, Sam would relax and be lulled back to sleep.

The hospital administration considered her one night stay a long enough time for observation, and Sam was extremely grateful for that. Nothing unnatural had been reported so she was finally free to go home.

When she returned from the bathroom back to her hospital room a nurse was there stripping the bed sheets. They were going to be replaced by fresh ones, a clean start. Sam silently wondered who'd occupied the room before her. An accident victim? Someone rattled with disease? Maybe another girl just like her?

"Feeling any better?" the nurse inquired and Sam glanced up, already having forgotten her presence in the room. She had a genial smile, but her facial features were worn down from the time she'd spent working in a hospital.

Sam nodded, not quite alert enough to summon more than a yes for an answer.

"Sam," Brooke's voice was relieving in her ears. She turned to find the woman leaning against the doorway, beckoning her over. "Let's go."

"Well good luck," the nurse offered and Sam murmured thanks before joining Brooke, trying to convince herself that the nurse had meant that in a genuine way and not a sarcastic one.

Brooke, as if reading her thoughts, quickly jumped in. "Not everyone is going to judge you, sweetheart."

No, not everyone, Sam thought. _But one person would be enough._

***

The manner of the house was as somber as they'd left it and when Brooke reached for the doorknob she could already feel Sam's exhaustion radiating off of her. Sam had spoken little on the ride back from the hospital but from the way she'd perked up once they'd hit the driveway, it was obvious they were both anxious to be home.

Still, from the first step inside it was obvious things were different. Brooke felt something squashed under her heels and she and Sam both glanced down to notice a few small rose petals clinging to the bottom of her shoe. It was the first of many, which were sprinkled across the room, trailing towards the counter.

"Oh my God."

The two of them said it in unison and surprised each other by the way their voices were mirrored. Sam was already smiling and when she and Brooke locked eyes for a second, she could see Brooke was on the verge of breaking out in a grin as well.

Sam followed behind Brooke to the counter, where awaiting them was a giant teddy bear. A clump of rose petals sat holding down one folded piece of paper and Brooke reached out for it but halted instantly. "Julian?"

Was she asking that? Really? "No, I think Johnny Depp broke into our house last night," Sam quipped, "of course it's Julian! Who else would it be?"

Sure enough, Brooke noticed that the bear was sitting on something. Yes, it was Julian's letterman jacket, the same one she'd thrown in his face a few weeks prior during one of their arguments. She pondered over when he'd found the time to do this and then remembered the mysterious tone in which he'd been telling her about this surprise he was extremely excited about. With Sam hovering over her shoulder, Brooke hesitantly picked up the note.

_Priss,_

_I was hoping to have the honor of being your prom date. If you are to agree, you will be ready tonight no later then 7 o' clock for your magical night. Be prepared for dancing and more surprises as the night unfolds._

_The Stoner_

"Breakfast Club? Dare I ask?"

Sam was beaming behind her and Brooke almost made a cynical comment in return but remembered this was the first time she'd seen Sam this happy the past few days.

The scene of her dancing in her own store when Julian had walked in was still clear as day and she couldn't get the tone of his voice out of her head after she'd called him the Stoner and he'd laughed and told her that in the end they'd ended up together. "Don't worry about it," Brooke smirked, but Sam didn't let up.

"I'm not worrying," Sam replied, "I'm curious. I mean does 'prom' obviously means a chance to act like teenagers and make out for a couple hours, does it not?"

"Samantha…" Brooke sighed, "Haven't we talked about the sarcasm?

"Seriously Brooke," Sam laughed, "_prom?_ Where did he get that idea? From a magazine?"

Brooke just smiled. A couple weeks back she'd discussed her high school life with Julian and they'd ended up on the subject of the tape, the event with Nathan and how she and Peyton had fought of Derek on what was supposed to be the most amazing night of their high school career. She'd ended up enjoying the part of the dance that'd made it to as a whole but that didn't mean part of her hadn't still been longing for Lucas at the time or Chase or any guy that she could have spent the night gazing into his eyes. Julian had understood and told her he'd never ended up even going to his because he hadn't been able to find a dance. Brooke had kissed him lovingly. _Too bad we didn't know each other then,_ she'd said,_ you would have made one handsome prom date._

Sam was staring at the teddy bear with a puzzled gaze. Brooke had seen it in a window display while they'd been out last week and had jokingly remarked how cute it was. _Not as cute as you, _she'd laughed, _but I wouldn't mind it as a replacement for when you weren't around. _"You can have that if you want," Brooke offered when Sam's gaze failed to fall from the bear.

Sam shot her a look as if she was too old to possess anything remotely close to a stuffed animal, but she grabbed at it anyway. "Yeah, I'm sure you'd much rather cuddle with Julian."

***

_You are my Manhattan from the Sky. You look so neat and tidy when I'm way up high._

_But I know your streets are lined with a fine mess inside._

_I wanna come down and walk around, you're mine._

Mia pulled her mind away from the music and walked out of the recording studio and instead of finding Peyton where she'd last been, Sam was standing on the other side of the glass with her arm crossed as if she'd been waiting for Mia all along. "I really like that," she praised before Mia could have a chance to ask what was going on.

"Thanks," she smiled. "Heard you had a hospital stay for the cramps. Don't wanna say I told you so but—"

"But you just did," Sam supplied and sat down in a nearby chair.

Mia grinned, "How are you feeling?"

Sighing, Sam flipped her hair over her shoulder, "I'm so sick of people asking me that," she groaned for a moment and then managed to match Mia's smile. "I'm all right though." She eyed Mia knowingly, "how's Chase?"

"Chase is…" she stopped, laying her guitar in the doorway and pulling a chair across from Sam, "not the reason you're here. Although he has been pretty damn sexy lately."

"And the inspiration for your song, I'd bet," Sam replied and Mia shaded her eyes to prove true Sam's accusation. "But yeah, you're right. I'm here for more than that. I just didn't really want to be alone right now."

Mia frowned, "well where's Brooke?"

"She went out with Peyton to look some stuff for her date tonight. So if you're wondering where Peyton disappeared to, that'd be it. Brooke dropped me off and she and Peyton left a little while ago." Mia could she plainly that Sam was still a little shaken by all she was going through so Mia just let her talk. "She offered to just stay home with me, but I practically shoved her out the door, but that's cause I knew she'd just hang over me all day. It's so weird, I want to be alone but I want her with me. And I just sound crazy for it."

"It's not all that crazy," Mia observed. "I'd want someone with me too so if you wanna hang hear and listen to me try to transpose my perfectly fine song onto the piano then feel free."

There was a hint of anger in Mia's voice that Sam picked up on immediately. "What do you mean? It sounds fine on the guitar," she replied and Mia rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, see that's what I said. But the guys in charge don't feel the same, and Peyton and Haley both suggested this morning that I try to working it out on piano. So I am," they both returned their gaze to Mia's guitar again and Sam understood why she kept peering over at it so often. Her guitar was her cherished possession, and like Sam's baby, she wasn't sure about the idea of being told what to do with it. Not that Brooke had. In fact when she'd begged, Brooke had pointed out that it was her decision to make, but she wasn't sure if others would like to have a say in it. Her friends, Haley, Peyton, and if she could get in contact with him, maybe even Jack.

Sam dug her hands into her jacket pockets and grimaced, "Do you think I should have an abortion?"

Mia's eyes turned to stone, "what?" but she'd heard Sam clearly. "You think I can tell you that? Sam I've never been pregnant so I don't have any qualifications to tell you that, especially since the baby isn't mine." She smiled sympathetically, seeing the link between her problems and Sam's. "Does Brooke _want _you to have one?"

"If she does she didn't admit it," Sam confided, "but honestly I really believed her when she told me she'd support me no matter what. It's not her Mia, it's everyone else. The nurses gave me weird looks, people at school are going to laugh, and teachers will think things they never had the courage to say out loud. Maybe it's better to deal with it now…"

"You really don't want that though, do you?" Mia queried by the shameful attitude Sam was emitting.

"I don't know," she admitted, "it doesn't feel right. But what about—"

"Sam," Mia began, "don't let anyone tell you what to do. And don't let how you think they might react influence whatever you choose. What you want most matters. Everyone else can shove it."

Sam took a deep breath. "I won't if you won't," she agreed pointing to the instrument that was still standing in the arch to the studio, waiting for her. Tacitly it became a done deal between them. "So let's hear it on guitar again."

A few minutes later, Mia's soothing voice caused Sam to relax against the chair a little. She pulled her knees close to her and laid her head against them as Mia continued to play. They were one in the same, two writers mixed up in the harsh world with their own crummy situations. But Mia's sung her problems to the world while Sam continued to pen them on paper, keeping them quietly to herself.

She continued to watch Mia, continued to ruminate on her future, and continued to be afraid.

_I wanna come down and walk around, you're mine._

_***_

"That guy really does take surprises to a whole new level."

"Tell me about it," Brooke returned Peyton's grin, "It must have taken him forever to put this together. Either way, I'm just thankful to get a second chance at this whole prom thing. No sex tapes, no creepy stalker Derek's—"

"And plenty of kissing," Peyton mused, much to Brooke's chagrin. "Oh like you can really tell me otherwise."

"You're starting to sound like Sam. And that's not a good thing."

Peyton stuck her tongue out at Brooke and sifted through another lines of dresses, handing the one she adored most to Brooke and discarding the rest. They'd been searching for awhile now for the dress that highlighted all of Brooke's features in a most elegant ways because she wanted to look as stunning as possible for Julian. Peyton could tell it was a chance for Brooke to focus on a more positive aspect of life even if it was just for a day, but the two of them had been laughing like the teenagers they once were all morning and Peyton was sure this was helping.

Julian had given her something positive to look forward to. But Peyton was still worried and when Brooke quieted she decided there was no better way to ask. "So…how was your confrontation with Xavier last night?"

If Brooke replied that she didn't want to talk about it, Peyton had planned to drop the subject with no questions asked, but surprisingly Brooke glanced up as if she'd been waiting for the chance to talk about it. "I…don't know. I told him off, Peyton, I did. And I'd like to think he doesn't still have control over me but—"

"Then he doesn't," Peyton smiled, walking over to Brooke and rubbing her shoulder, "you're strong, B. Davis, stronger than he is. I'd never have had the courage to do that. But you did and now you can move on, for good."

"Thanks P. Sawyer. There's one more thing I haven't told you though. I told Nathan about the attack."

Peyton's eyes went wide, "you did? Last night?"

"Yeah," Brooke pulled another dress off the rack, smiling as a sign of approval. "He took it well, or better than I expected anyway. I was wondering if that meant I should tell Haley and Lucas, maybe I wasn't right to keep it from them all along. I mean look what Sam hiding her pregnancy did." She ran her hand over the material of a particular gown she'd been eyeing, not looking directly as Peyton.

Peyton nodded, "I like that too," she said, leaving Brooke to wonder if she was agreeing with the dress or the decision choice. Leaving the rest hanging on the rack the two collected the dress, the last piece of Brooke's outfit, and heading for the cash register. All the time Peyton kept her lips clamped shut, but she was questioning whether it would be beneficial to tell Brooke that Haley and Lucas already knew.

She said nothing.

Brooke perked up some more when she draped the dress over the counter. It was a shimmering gold that was sparkling under the outside light, and Peyton knew she'd look gorgeous the way it would fit snugly to her body.

And as Brooke went to pay for the dress the lady at the register seemed to recognize her. "You're that woman, aren't you? Brooke Davis?" They both wore expressions of confusion. "It's covered. I had a man come in here earlier and tell me that anything you wanted was yours. I'm sure you know him; tall with dark hair and a really smug expression?"

Brooke and Peyton both burst out laughing. "Well there you go," Peyton said, "Mr. Surprise."

***

The door rang at seven o'clock sharp.

Sam had stowed herself away in her bedroom after nodding happily at Brooke's wardrobe and now it would be just the two of them. She was surprised at how jumpy she found herself, but when she opened the door and saw Julian standing there, donned in a tuxedo, all her nerves were instantly quelled.

"Wow."

He was nearly drooling, and she had to laugh. "How'd you know I'd go to that boutique for my dress?"

"Brooke Davis, you think I don't listen when you talk to me? You squeal at one dress or another every time we've passed that store in the past week, it was really a no-brainer?" He had a rose in hand and offered it to her, which she of course took without hesitation. It was like a real fairytale, Brooke thought.

"Oh this one you didn't have shredded into petals," she joked and when his face fell Brooke laughed harder, "I'm kidding! Come here." They kissed, as always seemed to be the routine whenever they first saw each other. She wrapped himself close to him and pretended that they really were two teenagers in love.

"I know what you're doing out there!!"

Sam's call woke them both up and he gave her a knowing glare before they both giggled. "I guess that'd a subtle hint to get out of here," he commented. "Are you ready for prom night take 2, Brooke Davis? Minus the rest of high school of course."

"Of course," she smiled, fit her hand in his, and let him lead her away.

***

It seemed so final.

Sam was googling over the internet. More statistics, more facts and she was in the majority. It was an addiction, every piece of information she read made her want to turn away but left her desperate for more. Different websites, different facts and Sam wasn't sure which of them to believe. Teen pregnancy was a common enough topic that people typed in but Sam was still curious on the deeper things doctors hadn't told her about.

She typed it in. Eight letters: abortion. It was interesting and scary all at once. Forty-two million per year, 115,000 per day. Were there that many people in her situation? That many people caught between what they wanted and what they needed? Apparently not. She read: 1% of all abortions occur because of rape or incest, 93% for social reasons. If she'd just gotten pregnant on her own accord instead of by force, would it have been different?

Sam swallowed, made another click. Percents, decimals, it was a math problem with many solutions and no right answer. 20% were performed on teenagers and 52% were performed before the ninth week. She did the math and realized that was about where she was now. It'd happened the very beginning of December and now it was almost February, had she been hiding her secret this long?

Mia had told her not to let what people might think weigh her decision, but it really didn't seem like an option. In the back of her mind, that was the authority. People like Haley, like Nathan, who'd had Jamie although it may not have been convenient at the time, would they judge her? What would her parents have thought of her?

Well, if her parents were still alive, this wouldn't have happened.

She read the descriptions of what the process would entail, and was sickened by it. Placing her hand on her stomach, she pictured her baby in her mind. Haley and she had researched what a baby had developed to at eight weeks. It had webbed toes and fingers, and eyelids. It was moving inside her, Haley said, even though she wasn't able to feel it and it was beginning to breathe through the developing lungs. Haley had told her it hadn't become a boy or a girl yet, but that would be happening soon. So what was her baby now?

It was still hers, Sam decided as she read over the information, and Sam couldn't bring herself to get rid of it.

Pulling another internet browser up she typed in another word. One letter shorter but just as heartbreaking. Adoption.

Sam had been through the rounds of adoption many times. Parents that had been ready to adopt and then found themselves pregnant, ones that changed their minds for no reason whatsoever, and she found herself hoping that one day maybe Brooke might choose to adopt her too.

But would adoption guarantee her child a happy life? What if it went through the same cycle Sam did? Lightning, through rarely, could strike twice. And Sam didn't want to subject her child to a miserable life.

There were so many different possibilities; Sam wanted to think carefully enough without over thinking. If she processed it too much in her head, it'd just be beating a dead horse. She deleted the searches from her history, a fake hope that maybe she could forget what she'd read, and stepped away from the computer. Curling up on her bed, Sam fished her phone out from underneath the pillow and hit one of the speed dials that had been programmed. It rang four times before Haley finally picked up. Already she was making an endeavor at not sounding concerned. "Hey, Sam, what's going on?"

"Will you come over?"

Haley shifted the phone to the other ear. "Where's Brooke?"

"Out with Julian," Sam replied, "he's taking her to some fake prom or something. If you're busy—"

"It's fine, Sam," Haley quickly assured her, "I'll be right okay. Are you okay?"

"Yes." Sam said and hung up the phone before reaching out for the teddy bear and pulling it close to her body. It was about the size her baby would be nine months from now…if she could make it. "No." She corrected herself, even though Haley wasn't around to hear it.

***

_It wasn't a good idea, and Jenna knew it, but Sam seemed so insistent that she didn't say anything. Jenna hadn't believed Sam the first time she'd been told that her big sister was adopted, but then again she'd been very young and hadn't really understood what that meant._

_But after their parents had died and they'd suffered through the many and unending foster homes, Sam had begun talking about her mother. Surely if they could find her biological mother than she'd realize her mistake and take them both in with open arms. Jenna didn't think it worked like that but if Sam wanted to be hopeful who was she to stop her?_

_"Which one is she?" Jenna asked as they slipped into the diner quietly. The Dixie Grill, it was called and located in Tree Hill which was a good twenty minutes from their town by bus. They'd just left their current house, who probably wouldn't have noticed if they didn't come at all, and ended up here. Sam was thirteen and had done extensive research for years now. Because she'd been abandoned there'd never been an official adoption and no records. Just a birth certificate. Here's what she'd found out: she'd been given the name Hannah from her birth mother but her adopted parents, not knowing this, had chosen Samantha as a way to make her officially theirs. She'd been dropped at the hospital by her mom, a miserable teenager, where her parents had found her after Danny had broken an arm. But people had to have known this woman and eventually through the staff and those who handled her adoption she'd found the connection._

_Now here she was, unbelievably enough._

_"Abby!" the manager called to which a woman turned around and headed towards a table. It was all Jenna and Sam needed. _

_"Are you sure you want to do this?"_

_Sam ignored Jenna and pressed forward into the diner. She'd stolen ten dollars from her foster parents' purse to be able to buy something, to be able to have a conversation with this mystery woman._

_Jumping onto a seat and letting Jenna follow, they waited and like a fish to bait she came to them. _

_"Something I can help you with?" Jenna propped her elbows on the counter and listened, Sam would speak for both of them and Jenna was just supposed to be along for the ride. But there was the problem when Jenna noticed that Sam wasn't answering at all, just staring. And her mother was staring back._

_"Sammy?" Jenna asked, not at all worried that Abby would recognize the name because it hadn't been the one she'd given her daughter. Sam wasn't to be reached; her eyes were wild with shock._

_Sam had expected to feel connected to her mother right away, for Abby to know who she was without a second glance and for what? A fairytale ending where she was whisked into her mother's arms? Maybe not. Abby, completely oblivious, maintained her smile and looked at Sam as she would any other customer. "You look a little flustered, are you all right?"_

_No, she wasn't all right, she was far from it. "I…I…" her voice wouldn't function, she wanted so badly for her mother to know who she was and to care, but wishes didn't always come true. _

_Jenna realized it was a failing cause and nudged at her sister. She was only ten, but she needed to take control. Sam would thank her for it later she hoped. "Let's just get out of here, Sammy," she suggested, pulling Sam down from the counter and towards the door. "I'm sorry," she glanced Abby's way, even though she was talking to Sam._

_***_

'Prom' had meant dinner at a fancy restaurant where there was a dance floor. It'd meant losing herself in the moment with Julian right by her side. He'd surprised her with her favorite dessert, the fact that he'd been learning to dance, and then by taking her to the beach that was located in Tree Hill…in January.

"It is freezing Julian," she said through blue lips, "why the hell did you bring me here?"

"So we can be stupid teenagers," he smiled, "just don't go near the water." She pulled her coat tighter around her body, "you told me that you wish your prom could have been as memorable as it was supposed to be, that's what I wanted to do for you. Because you deserve the best."

"I guess frostbite could be memorable," she said, looking out at the hills of sand and the waves rolling to the shore. They were rooted in their spot at the edge of the beach but she could see the white foam from the crashing waves and the scattered shells, all of which created a peaceful settling. "And it is really beautiful, I'll give you that much. Thank you for all of this, Julian, I really had a great time and I really enjoyed being with you." She cuddled closer to him, "I feel like I've known you forever and it's only been a few months."

He didn't reply, but he gazed into her eyes as she stared up at him and kissed her again. She was the most beautiful when she was innocent like this, when she gave herself to him. How could he ever tell her about Peyton and their almost baby? It was a long time ago, and Julian hoped that it wouldn't make a different to them.

After all, Peyton was_ marrying_ Lucas.

And there was one other thing. The thing they'd tiptoed around for a week now after he'd said it a week ago and not gotten a response from her. So he tried again. "I love you, Brooke Davis."

A little shocked, she looked up at him again. She'd been so afraid to say it back because that meant more chances for things to go wrong, but after all she was facing with Sam it was that much more of a wake up call that she couldn't hide her feelings for ever. "I…I love you too," she whispered, their lips touching briefly for a second before going all out. Brooke settled herself as close to him as possible and when he his warmth reached her all the fear she'd ever had vanished without a trace. "I love you, Julian Baker, I do." After another kiss, neither of them was cold anymore.

***

"Hey, what's—"

Sam yanked Haley inside before she could even finish her sentence. "This is crazy, and you said you would be there for me if I needed anything so I'm asking now. I need help; I need advice because I don't know what to do. I've been looking up adoption and abortion all night because I just don't think I can keep this child, Haley. It doesn't feel like my baby. But abortion just doesn't seem like the right thing to do and I don't know if I can handle it and I don't know if I can handle adoption, because what if the same thing happens to this kid that happens to me?" She stopped to breathe and to look back at Haley who'd calmly seated herself on the couch and was listening to every word. "I don't want to make the wrong decision. Brooke said she'll support me no matter what I choose and Mia said there isn't a wrong decision it's what I want but I don't _know_ what I want!"

For a second, the echo of her voice rang out between them and then Haley stood long enough to get Sam to sit down. She pulled her into a hug until her heart steadied. "Just take a deep breath Sam, it's all right."

"This is too much, Haley, it's way too much. I'm fifteen, I'm not supposed to be having a kid, I'm not supposed to have to make this decision." Haley nodded and scooted closer to her.

"I'll do anything I can to help," she offered again because Sam was shaking, "what do you need, Sam?"

"Please," she whispered, "Just take it all away. "

**How am I doing? Feedback? Attack news is coming…as is some drama. Okay…a lot of drama.**


	14. 13: Brave

**Disclaimer: **Nope, don't own One Tree Hill. That's Mark Schwann, go complain to him.

**Author's Note: **Lalalalala, nothing much to say here. Review? I'll settle for that. More to come.

**Setting: **January 2009

_Don't know just where I'm going  
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming  
And the air is cold  
And I'm not the same anymore_

_If this is the moment I stand here on my own  
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home  
I might be afraid  
But it's my turn to be brave_

**-Idina Menzel**

Flashes of light splashed over Sam's face. The TV clicked from screen to screen as the reporter detailed the evidence from his location. Sam sank back into the couch and pulled her knees closer to her body, a shield. Until Haley stepped in front of the TV, her mind had completely left reality.

"What are you watching?" she turned and faced the screen to observe what Sam was so interested in.

"Some little girl was kidnapped a couple towns over. They showed the parents begging for her safe return and everything." Sam swallowed and lifted her eyes to Haley's. "They'd do anything to get their kid back and here I am sitting here and thinking about all the ways to get rid of mine."

The shame was evident and Haley grabbed for the remote, clicking off the TV in hopes to shatter any more of Sam's thoughts of that subject. "Here," she said, handing the teen a steaming mug to which Sam didn't respond. "Take it; at the very least it'll give your hands something else to do besides shake." As if it were a grenade, Sam reached out slowly and then removed the mug from Haley's hands. She wasn't thirsty, but raised the lip of the cup to her mouth anyway, sniffing at it. "It's hot chocolate."

"Really? Somehow I expected you to make me herbal tea or something."

"Yeah, that's probably the better choice, but in situations like this the healthier choice can go out the window for one night. It's not like I'm giving you caffeine." They both smiled, but Sam's wasn't lasting "There's no shame in wanting a life, Sam," Haley tried to explain, but it didn't reach Sam's ears.

"You were seventeen and you kept Jamie and have a life."

"Nathan's the love of my life and two years is a lot, Sam. We were dependent on ourselves more than anything else, we were able to raise Jamie and the most important thing is we _wanted_ him. It's not punishing your child to let them be adopted. What happened with you isn't the case for every child in America."

Sam sighed, rested the hot chocolate on the coffee table and noticed that how much her hands really were shaking. "I don't think I want an abortion," she said, even though Haley hadn't brought it up, "I don't know if I could seriously make it through that. But adoption…" her voice was slippery, "am I just supposed to forget the nine months I carry this kid? I mean that's what my mom must have done with me!" Haley could sense the break in Sam coming, but there was nothing she could do in prevention. "I really believed I wouldn't end up like her."

_Her_ was Abby, the woman who Sam had spent her life trying to convince herself she would not follow in the footsteps of. But the clay had already been molded and was drying before she could control it.

Haley knew little of Sam's biological mother because Sam had been a closed book for most of her time staying with Brooke but she knew that the woman worked at the diner Sam was so familiar with. And it was clear that Sam didn't want any association with her.

"You are nothing like the woman who gave you up," Haley promised, her eyes staying focused on Sam and playing over her face to make sure she was paying attention. "You're like the one that took you in. Sam you are strong, you are going to get through this, you are going to find the best future possible for that kid whether it's with you or someone else." She grabbed Sam's hand to cease its quivering and the girl was grateful. "This wouldn't have happened if you weren't strong enough to deal with it."

"Thank you," the teen murmured quietly in return. "I needed that."

"Anytime honey," Haley assured her. "You know what? I think I'm going to hang around here for a little bit if you don't mind. There's something I need to talk to Brooke about."

Sam nodded, yawned and leaned over onto Haley's shoulder, where she remained until she'd fallen asleep. Haley had to stifle a laugh at how cute she looked asleep, fifteen or otherwise, and she gently laid Sam against a pile of couch pillows. She stood, moving over to the counter but still not taking her eye off Sam.

It was strange how suddenly the girl was beginning to rely on Brooke and she as of lately, proof positive that they were finally getting somewhere in getting her to let her guard down. Haley, of course, was still being extremely cautious with Sam but she was less worried than she had been before.

No, it was Brooke that her mind was really racing over.

The knob on the door turned, a time-bomb ticking away; Haley knew it was going to be now or never.

Brooke looked exhausted with bags forming around her mascara-clad eyes but one look at Sam passed out on the couch and Haley standing somewhat awkwardly by the counter and she perked up. "Haley…?"

"Sam called me," Haley began, "she was freaking out over what to do and she didn't want to bother you. She's fine now; she fell asleep about twenty minutes ago. I thought I should stay until you got back."

Looking up a bit skeptically, Brooke nodded. "I'm still really worried about her," she admitted, watching as her daughter rolled over in her sleep. It was easier to see Sam asleep where the world couldn't touch her; it had been all Brooke wanted to do after her attack. "I wish I could just carry the burden so she wouldn't have to."

Haley couldn't help a smile and she approached Brooke, gently placing a hand on her friend's shoulder and trying to see the same picture Brooke saw. She knew that as a mother you saw your child in a different light; every scratch, every weak spot was illuminated like a growing wound. It was impossible to fix every aspect but that seemed to be the never-ending job as a mother: to see them whole. And Sam was a work-in-progress. "Spoken like a true parent," she mused. "But I'm pretty worried about _you_."

Turning half-heartedly to face her, Brooke feigned confusion. "Why?"

"Why do you think?" Haley queried, offering Brooke a chance to come clean before she outed her all together. "Brooke…" she trailed off and realized Brooke's eyes were no longer fixed on Sam but gazing off into oblivion. "Why didn't you tell me you were attacked?"

Abby was waiting tables.

She'd seen Julian a few times lately, so she wasn't at all surprised when the bell in the doorway signaled his entrance for the second time that day. It was hard not to laugh at the way he was floating on air.

"Well you look like you've had a good night," she commented, laughing as she seated himself on one of the barstools and sat there completely love struck, "what can I get for you?"

"Just coffee is all, thank you," Julian replied, reaching into his pocket for a few spare bills but another hand beat him to the punch. When Julian snapped his head up Peyton was standing before him smiling at the waitress but he could plainly see another more pertinent look hidden behind the grin. "Thank…you?"

Abby was gone and so was Peyton's grin. "I just needed to get rid of her. We need to talk and I think you know about what," she began and jumped in again before he could reply. "I haven't told Lucas that I was pregnant right before I came back to Tree Hill, and I'm going to correctly assume you haven't told Brooke."

Julian glanced towards Peyton, the lust in his eyes fading, the only answer Peyton needed.

"That's what I thought. So…it's all in the past?"

He hesitated, "You're afraid of Lucas thinking you came home on a rebound from that, aren't you?"

"Maybe," she replied cryptically, becoming silent when Abby returned with his coffee but suddenly Julian wasn't so thirsty anymore. "I don't know, Julian, the truth is I have no idea what he'll do. But the fact that you ended up here after we were so in…" she choke on the word, "love."

"I didn't come for you, Peyton."

"Yeah well maybe Lucas won't see it that way. And you know Brooke jumps at the first chance to flee from a relationship, why bring up a past that's been latent for over a year now?" Julian stared at Peyton, trying to read her expression but she was masking whatever she was trying to say, fixing her eyes on the counter.

He took a sip of his coffee, the way it burned his throat was less painful than the conversation. It wasn't that he still loved Peyton, but he did still care and they both knew that secrets were the gun powder to explosions of truth later on.

She took his lack of response as a chance to speak again. "Lucas and I have been through a lot, he was already jealous of you because of the time you were with me when he could have been. If he finds out about Ella—" she couldn't finish her sentence. "I know it's not something I can picture Lucas doing but I don't want to give him any reason to want to."

"Peyton," Julian pressed, "it was a baby, not an affair. You weren't together."

"I know," Peyton replied, twisting a curl around her finger like an anxious teenager. She tried to hide the tears escaping from her eyes. "Do you ever think about her? Like maybe we did something wrong? I look at Sam and she's fifteen and she didn't even want a baby, but there she is expecting one. It was all we wanted."

Julian felt himself soften at the crack in her voice. "You remember what the doctor said, there's nothing we could have done to stop it." He shook the coffee container, half empty, and felt the liquid washing around inside of the Styrofoam holder. Spinning; kind of like his mind. "I think about Ella all the time. Don't think that just because we broke up she didn't matter to me. And we can convince half the world that we ended it because of differences in opinions but I think we both know it was just too hard after what happened to her."

She blinked, wrung her hands together, "Why do you think I don't want to tell Lucas?"

He smiled a sad knowing smile. "For the same reason I took Brooke out on some spontaneous date instead of telling her why I bolted from the hospital when you came. But are you sure that's really for the best?"

"Did you really ever plan on telling her?"

The silence was thick, "I planned on crossing that bridge when I came to it."

"So no?"

"No," he admitted and understood why Peyton was working so hard to bury their past like they'd buried Ella, it was much harder to reach when no one could find it. "Okay," he said finally, "I won't tell her and you won't tell him."

"Thank you," she said, a sincere tone of gratitude blossoming in her voice. "So we can focus on Sam now, on your relationship with Brooke and mine with Lucas and…" they shared a mutual gaze toward her stomach, a baby that was starting to make itself known.

"Speaking of which," Julian changed the subject, trying to lighten the tone of things, "what are you doing out so late, Lucas must be wondering where you are."

"I was at TRIC for one of Mia's performances. I just stopped here on my way home."

"So I guess you should probably be on your way then," he said, trying to remain subtle without Peyton knowing he couldn't take anymore of the memories of Ella and of them.

Peyton ran her hands over her stomach protectively and hopped off the stool to her feet. For a second, she almost looked like the woman who was going to father his child some time ago but Julian knew better. They held each others gaze for a long time before she broke away. She'd always been the one to break away.

"Peyton," he called and she turned in the doorway. "I told Brooke I loved her tonight."

"Good," she smiled and just before disappearing added, "let's keep it that way."

"So that's where the glow came from," Abby approached and he jumped at her voice. She was standing behind the counter smirking, a playful smile Julian recognized from Sam on so many occasions. "Got yourself a nice girl, do you?"

Julian nodded, no longer in the mood to talk. "Got myself two of them," he corrected her, standing and leaving Abby alone, as she'd once done to Sam and as he'd never do to Brooke.

***

Brooke had used every possible distraction to prevent Haley from asking questions. She'd woken Sam up and ushered her to her bedroom, remaining in there for what seemed like hours before finally emerging. Just one minute she'd kept saying, professing that she didn't want Sam around during the explanation. It that it was better for her to be out of an earshot. But Haley wasn't to be deceived; she stayed waiting on the couch with the same shrewd gaze trapped in her eyes as Brooke realized there was no escaping it.

This is what Sam had felt like keeping the secret stowed away.

"I was going to tell you," Brooke began, but then she was already contradicting herself; Haley could read that much without even trying. "Okay," she admitted a minute later, "maybe I wasn't. Who outed me?"

"Sam did, but not because she meant to. I guess you didn't tell her the attack was some big secret."

"I guess I didn't," Brooke sighed.

"She was worried about you going after Xavier because she didn't think you could handle it. The first time she said attack I thought I'd heard her wrong, but then I remembered the black eyes and the bruises from 'falling down the stairs'. I knew you were lying about that." Haley sat forward to have a good view of Brooke. "Honey, why didn't you just tell me?"

"For the same reason I didn't tell anybody else at first, I didn't know how to Hales." She bowed her head, blinking back tears, "I told Peyton a couple weeks after on a whim and Sam found out right before she ran away. She was venting to Jack because she was angry I'd caught her shoplifting, and she didn't mean for anything to happen. So yeah, maybe I did go to Xavier that night for more than just Sam, but I needed to get over it too so I could be there for her. I'm sorry I didn't tell you Haley, I'm sorry—"

She was interrupted as she found herself wrapped in Haley's arms.

"It's okay," Haley soothed, and allowed Brooke to break down in her arms much as Peyton had done. It was so relieving to be able to completely break down and not worry about being judged; Brooke supposed Haley's presence in her life had always been for reasons like this.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that Brooke," she said sympathetically.

"I was closing up and suddenly he was just there," Brooke recollected as if Haley had never spoken at all, "he was on top of me and all I can remember was feeling like I was going to die right then and there as he beat the living hell out of me."

"Brooke," Haley went to offer her sage words of advice but Brooke was on a roll.

"His voice was stuck in my head for weeks and when I'd finally gotten over it all this happens." She took a deep breath, calmed down a little. "I don't blame myself for what happened to Sam or Quinten like I did at first because I didn't report it, but I still wonder if things could have been different for Sam. I'm moving on, Haley, I promise you I am but I still think about all the innocence she lost because of him."

Haley rubbed Brooke's back understandingly. "I'm glad you don't blame yourself anymore, because you shouldn't. As far as Sam goes…Brooke you took this rebellious teenager and turned her towards a hopeful life. You put her into a stable lifestyle and you gave her the one thing she needed most."

"A mom," Brooke finished for Haley.

"Love," Haley continued although they really were one in the same. "She doesn't think of the rape for a second and connect you to that. She connects you with the healing process. Just like you've done with her; no doubt having Sam around helped you focus on something other than the attack."

"Why are you always right?" Brooke inquired somewhat sarcastically and Haley smiled at the remark. "Thank you," she whispered, leaning against Haley ironically the same way Sam had, "I'm lucky to have a friend like you. And about not telling you before Haley, I—"

"Forget it," Haley shushed her, "I completely understand, I know now and that's all that really matters."

"Yeah," Brooke agreed, "maybe it's better that everything's out in the open now."

"Just one more thing." Brooke looked at Haley puzzled. "You want to inform Lucas about all of this or should I?" The stare Haley received from Brooke before she groaned was enough for the both of them to laugh.

So Brooke had accomplished two things in one night: love and acceptance.

That was enough.

***

There was some saying about red skies in the morning versus the night, but Sam couldn't remember it. It was an old folklore her mother used to talk about when they would go for walks on Sunday mornings just the girls. Jenna would look up at the sky, pointing at how remarkably pretty it was and wasn't the sky supposed to be blue? Red skies meant good or bad days for sailors, that's all Sam could remember.

It was an omen; Adam had always joked that Laura lived her life based on superstition and old wives' tales. She'd shriek with joy when they found a lucky penny and was always reminding them when Friday the 13th rolled around now and then what constituted bad luck.

_You spend so much time relying on myths, you ever think you missed something good while looking for said signs?_

But Laura had just laughed, _if fate puts the sign there, then it's up to us to find them._

The sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon, it's bright line of gold welcoming the day with radiance. She'd loved to watch the first and last moments of the day as a child because of the way a red tint had glowed over the sky; it'd created some semblance of unity between night and day and Sam had always been able to relax. Red skies reminded Sam of long time past, especially her mother.

She'd crept out of Brooke's early on that morning and wandered about Tree Hill looking for somewhere to go. It'd been funny to see Brooke and Haley passed out on the couch like teenagers after a slumber party but Sam had been eavesdropping and gathered the nature of Haley's conversation with Brooke early on. She'd let the cat out of the bag and Brooke had to deal with those consequences; she'd heard Brooke's voice break and guessed that tears had followed. But Brooke had also said she was glad everything was now in the open.

So had Sam made a mess of things, or actually managed to fix them?

Either way, talking to Haley had made Sam realize she needed to come to some sort of a decision now.

The Rivercourt had been the first place Sam stumbled upon while walking and it had seemed an appropriate place to stop and think. Just a few days ago she'd been here with Nathan and so much had happened since then.

But while playing with Nathan she'd discovered the strength to press on into the pregnancy; that was enough of a sign in Sam's eyes if she'd ever seen one. She reached under the picnic table where a lonely basketball was resting forgotten in the dirt and stepped out onto the court, making a few shots as she'd done with Nathan a few days prior except this time her mind was set stubbornly on the thought of her pregnancy and no amount of basketball would suffice as a distraction.

"Fine," she murmured, "then let's settle this once and for all." She tapped the side of the basketball, relying on it to help her make the all important choice. Her mother had believed so heavily in fate all her life, was it crazy to trust that even after fate had been the end of Laura's life? "I can't go through with an abortion, mom, so I have to decide between adoption or keeping the baby. So if I make the shot, I'll go with adoption and if not then I'll keep it."

Like anything was really set in stone.

But Sam was doing a hell of a job convincing herself of that.

She took a deep breath, "okay, here we go," she said and then let the basketball go.

At that very same moment Sam's cell phone rang and she turned her head to check the caller ID. By the time she realized what she'd done the ball had already returned safely to Earth and Sam had no idea if she'd made the shot.

She sighed, was this stupidity? Or another sign at work?

"Nice try mom," she whispered, gazing past the sky and noticing that the red was beginning to fade away. "But I guess it's up to me now."

Sam began to head back to her home, assuming Brooke and Haley had awoke and begun to worry. As she stepped off the court, Sam turned towards the basket and aimed again. But this time, knowing that one basketball couldn't determine her entire future, she purposely looked away as soon as the ball left her bands. Maybe she knew what she wanted and had just been afraid to say it all along.

And, in a way Laura would have enjoyed, Sam didn't see that the ball did go in after all.

**Hehehe, you got me past 200 reviews last time! How far can we go now?**

**Suggestions? I'd love 'em!**


	15. 14: That Particular Time

**Disclaimer: **One Tree Hill isn't mine, I wish it was though. That'd be a pretty cool present if one of you readers wanna buy it for me.

**Author's Note: **Hey guys, come on! You've been reviewing less! Is it the story? Well, I have successfully written you a nice lengthy chapter in less than a week from the last post. That's gotta be worth reviewing, right? Please don't make me beg. You'll notice the time elapse. My plan is to right little storylines for each month, maybe 2 or 3 chapters per month, leading up to the baby's birth. There's lots planned, lots to come. I know a lot of you wanted this to continue for a while and I'm happy to do so. But you HAVE to review, or I'll be sad. Anyways, tomorrow's the newest One Tree Hill! Get excited by reading this chapter! Enjoy!

**Setting: **February 2009

EDIT: Valentine's Day was on a Saturday this year, but for the sake of my story we'll just call it a Friday.

_My foundation was rocked _

_My tried and true way to deal was to vanish  
My departures were old _

_I stood in the room shaking in my boots  
At that particular time love had challenged me to stay  
At that particular moment I knew not run away again  
That particular month I was ready to investigate with you  
At that particular time._

-**Alanis Morrissette **

_What does it mean to love?_

A crisp new tear ran down the scrawls of black ink as Sam pulled the piece of white lined paper in two pieces. She held them one on top of the other and tore again, silencing the words on the paper as they slowly floated to her desk. This was an hour's work that she was shredding, but Sam figured it hardly mattered anyway.

The clock winked at Sam from her nightstand; four red glowing little ones. 11:11.

Sam made a wish. _Please just make this a little easier._

She was huddled over her desk, the lamp light switched onto the lowest power as not to wake Brooke; a spotlight in the darkness. Gathering the pieces of her essay into the palm of her hand, Sam held them over the trash can, taking a deep breath as her feelings plummeted into a sea of garbage.

Well, wasn't that life?

Haley had handed back the essays her class had written as a pre-Valentine's day assignment and Sam had immediately noticed the patch of red ink noted in the corner. 'See me' it had instructed, and when Sam approached Haley in question she'd replied _'We're discussing Romanticism right now, Sam, which means you need to find something positive about the aspect of love and focus on that. That's what Romanticism authors did.' _And then, off of Sam's steely glare, she'd added with a hint of sensitivity, _'Please honey, just try.'_

Trying to keep up her charade of appearing sane, Sam had smiled and accepted the task but all the while her thoughts had still lingered in gloom. She would have much preferred to have found herself strapped to the topic of idealism. What _was _instead of what _could be_.

Because for every Longfellow there needed to be an Edgar Allan Poe, right?

Sam had found a passion in writing, but this time it seemed no one was interested in what she'd been trying to convey. _Love was what you told yourself you felt as self-consolation, love was the afterthought in abandonment. _

Under Haley's influence, she had to remain positive. Her mind scanned lists of possible methods to begin her assignment for the second time, but each time her mind would end the same way it began. Like her paper: blank. She rubbed her stomach, what could she say about love that wouldn't make her think of this baby or of Abby? Screw love, screw Valentines Day, these things weren't love and that's all Sam could think of.

Just as she was ready to give up though, Sam found herself gazing the silver chain bracelet with a heart link she'd stolen from Jenna years ago. Jenna, her baby sister. Jenna, who could understand her from even a thousand miles away. Jenna, who had in fact _loved_ her.

And there it was.

_Love, _Sam thought staring at scraps of paper collecting dust in her trash bin,_ means that you can be in a thousand pieces and still read what was there in the first place._

***

Light was pure evil.

Sam rolled over and was bathed in a puddle of sunlight. She groaned, why was sleeping only important the next morning? Why had staying up until 1 trying to write something even remotely acceptable for English class seemed like such a good idea before? Maybe she was nocturnal. That had to be it.

If she was nocturnal, then she shouldn't have to go to school. Sleep now. Life later.

It was seven. Haley would be there soon, and Sam could already hear giggles in the kitchen from muffled voices that sounded like a blend of Brooke and Peyton. "Oh boy," she muttered before lying flat on her back and letting out a gaping breath. "Kill me now."

Valentines Day was the 14th, but Sam was marking a different number. Today she finished out her 10th week and tomorrow she was supposed to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Brooke had been watching Sam to see how she'd react to that news, and the teen had skillfully avoided her eyes. A heartbeat was another devastating blow to the wall of denial Sam had been piling bricks on for weeks now.

Yes, she was pregnant, but nine months was a long time away. Or at least, that's what she told herself.

"How about you and I trade places for the day?" she asked, looking at the teddy bear she'd acquired from Brooke the day that she'd come home from the hospital, but like most things it only stared back. "Yeah, I thought not."

Bracing herself, Sam pulled on a decent outfit as far away from the color red as she could find and cautiously left her room. Sure enough, Brooke and Peyton were sitting at the counter in conversation and Sam was nearly ready to turn around and fly back into her bedroom, but Peyton saw her first.

"Morning sleepyhead," she mused, offering Sam a wide smile to which Sam only shrugged in return. "Ah, come on, it's Friday morning! Wake up!"

"I would be much happier if you were telling me it was Saturday and it were oh…4 or 5 hours later," Sam moaned, taking a seat next to Peyton and dropping her head to the table.

Brooke and Peyton shared a smirk, "It's best if you don't try to speak to her before about 12."

"I see that," Peyton laughed and then ruffled Sam's hair.

"I wouldn't do that," Brooke warned again, "you're moving dangerously close to losing a hand."

"Ha ha," Sam muttered without looking up, "I hate both of you."

"Bet you won't hate me so much when I give you breakfast," Brooke replied, shoving a plate of waffles in front of Sam and waiting. It took a minute, but eventually Sam was lured away from sleep and picked her head up to the food and throwing Brooke so much as a grateful smile as she took the first bite. "All she needs is some fuel and she perks right up," Brooke said, gesturing to Sam for Peyton's benefit.

"That's the standard code for teen," Peyton agreed.

"So what are you doing here anyway?" Sam asked suddenly as a way to get the topic off her. She couldn't stand when Brooke spoke about her like she wasn't sitting two feet away. But then she supposed she should be happy people noticed her at all compared to the life she used to live. Either way, it was easier just to change the subject. "Oh! Wait I know," Sam pretended to be enlightened, "you two finally admitted your love for each other in the spirit of good old Saint Valentine."

Brooke narrowed her eyes but Peyton was laughing, "Is this smart-alec attitude of yours ever going to go away?"

"Probably not," she said, "but nice try."

"She kind of reminds me someone else I knew as a teenager, right Brooke?" Brooke shook her head and put on a look of confusion but even Sam knew of Brooke's teenage antics. "Anyway," Peyton continued, "Lucas shooed me out of the house while he gets something romantic ready, but he won't tell me. So I decided to come here and see if I could bother you. Is it working?" Sam grimaced and that was Peyton's answer, "ah, good, I hoped so."

"What about you?" Sam inquired and both she and Peyton turned to Brooke. "Where's Julian?"

"He's on his way over now actually," Brooke responded as Sam was finishing the last of her waffles.

Standing, Sam grabbed her plate to bring it to the sink, "Just what I need, another gooey love fest from the two of you. My advice for you Peyton? Run; do not walk, to the nearest exit. I'll be sure to be far away to spare me and the baby the mushy conversations, and I don't even know if it has ears yet."

Brooke and Peyton shared a worried look. Usually the topic of Sam's baby had been kept under wraps to spare her the constant emotional roller coaster. She rarely, if ever, brought it up in mixed company. But now that she had, Brooke jumped on the chance to question her about it. "Speaking of which, how are you feeling?"

Because Sam's back was to them, neither woman saw the way her eyes glazed at the question.

And she silently thanked Haley for her perfect timing when she was saved by the knock on the door.

"Hey guys," Haley greeted them, "did I walk in on a party or something?"

"Or something," Sam replied, heading for her backpack and tossing it over her shoulder, "can we just go?" She headed out the door and towards the car without waiting for an answer.

Haley followed Sam with her eyes for a moment before turning back to Brooke and Peyton with a concerned expression. "Did I just walk in on something?"

Brooke shook her head, "I don't know what's up with her this morning, but if you'd like to try to find out for me I'd be eternally grateful. I think it has something to do with the fact that she's got another doctor's appointment tomorrow and she's dreading it."

"Oh, she does?" Peyton asked, as it dawned on her, "and this is usually around the time where they hear the heartbeat for the first time. That's probably killing her."

Haley frowned, "I'll talk to her on the ride to school, see if I can get her to open up a little. Have a good Valentine's Day with your men," she smiled, "bye!"

She looked to Peyton to clear the awkwardness in the air and to ease some of her worry about Sam, as if it were possible. "Well," she put out her best effort, "it's a lot less sarcastic in here now."

***

"We've already discussed the Devil and Tom Walker now can anyone tell me something else Washington Irving wrote in his lifetime?"

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. Rip Van Winkle. Sam knew the answers but she'd seemed to be taking a vow of silence with Haley today as the woman had spent the entire car ride trying to get through to Sam. But feeling tired as she was and not in the mood to talk or think, she'd ignored Haley.

A piece of paper landed on Sam's desk and she looked up from her notes, which she'd really only been making doodles on anyway. _What are you doing for Valentine's Day? _She looked up to find Hannah staring at her as she read, motioning for Sam to respond. Waiting a second for Haley to stop staring in her general direction, Sam leaned over and scribbled back an answer. _Anything that gets me out of the house, any ideas?_

_Natalie's having some party cause her parents are out of town, wanna go?_

_My mother wouldn't let me even if Hell froze over._

_Sneak out._

_Not a good idea. _Sam good only guess that Brooke would tear the town apart if she suddenly noticed Sam wasn't where she was supposed to be. Hannah shrugged as she eyes rolled over Sam's words and the teen figured that was it. But as she put her focus back on the blackboard the paper was on her desk again a minute later.

_Then tell her you're staying at my house and I'll take you. My mom's going out with her newest boy toy later anyway. _With a slight hesitation, Sam looked to Hannah again, her face contorted with unsureness. "Come on," Hannah whispered, "you've been really distant lately. What gives?"

Sam hadn't told Hannah she was pregnant. The next day after she'd taken the test she'd lied straight to her friends face and told her the test had been a no. Hannah, who was a rebel and had found herself with a few pregnancy scares, had accepted this without a second thought.

"Excuse me."

Sam and Hannah immediately snapped back to attention. Haley had a strict no passing notes policy and would collect them the moment she saw it and read them. That was the last thing Sam needed.

But that wasn't Haley's voice Sam was recognizing.

It was Jack's.

Haley, for the first time, seemed to notice him. "They just transferred me here," he said, but it wasn't the same teasing tone Sam was accustomed to. His voice was cold, monotone and robbed of it's usual character.

"Mr. Daniels," she said welcomingly. "Why don't you take one of the free seats in the corner? We're in the middle of our Romanticism unit. I trust you were in this general section in your last English class?"

"Sure," he replied, not invested in the conversation as he stole an empty desk one row over and four seats up from Sam. She glanced Hannah's way, but her friend was already watching her. 'What!?' she mouthed and Hannah, with what seemed to be her trademark move, just shrugged.

Haley returned to her spot at the board but everything she was saying went straight over Sam's head. There was too much already going on in her mind. When had he come back? Was he okay? What had happened in the past two months?

Sam, knowing the cruel demeanor of foster homes, was already jumping to conclusions.

And if Jack knew she was in the room, he wasn't turning around.

_Oh God, _she thought, _I'm pregnant with his brother's child._

Sam stared at the back of his head and realized that even with his brunette head of curls, all she could she was Xavier. Topped with the upcoming doctor's appointment and the unsuccessful probing had Haley done this morning on the ride to school, it was clear Sam did need a break from the ordinary. Natalie was a present day Brooke with parties that anyone could crash and Sam had always been interested to see what the fuss was about. After all, soon her secrets wouldn't belong to just her anymore, because the whole school would be able to see.

When Hannah wasn't paying attention, she quickly slipped a new paper on her desk with three simple words.

_Okay, I'll go._

***

The Rivercourt had easily become Sam's new favorite place. It was effortless: throw the ball through the hoop. If you miss, try again. If you score, you try again anyway. Nothing of the messy extras, just basketball

She was scaling up and down the court like a pro, shooting lay-ups and 3 pointers left and right. It was strange to discover how much she actually liked basketball, but Sam guessed that was her big brother's influence and when it was quiet enough, sometimes she could still hear the cheers from the gym during the days that she and Jenna would sit in the stands and watch him score. He always scored.

Sam enjoyed the serenity of the Rivercourt; it was uninhabited for the most part which meant that she didn't have to worry about anyone disturbing her thoughts or her game. She was free to shoot or to miss, a one on one game where the only person she was facing was herself.

Just as she'd made another basket, her peace was immediately shattered by a young child's shriek.

"Sam!!"

She nearly lost her balance as she was pummeled from behind. Reaching back, Sam felt her fingers run through a sea of hair and knew immediately who the perpetrator was. "Hi Jamie," she laughed as he hugged her even tighter. But looking up, she quickly realized who was accompanying him. "Lovely, you brought the whole family."

"You're not happy to see Mama and Daddy?" he asked, Sam just now realizing sarcasm was probably still a little out of his league.

"Yeah Samantha," Haley pushed, nudging Sam on the shoulder, "not happy to see me?"

"No, no, that's not it at all. Just been a long day." Sam left the rest up to Haley's interpretation.

"We're here to practice for my big game tomorrow so I can score a bunch of points. Are you here to play basketball too?" Jamie queried his jaw dropping in absolute astonishment. "I didn't know you knew how to play!"

"Your dad's teaching me," Sam explained, waving hello to Nathan.

He came up behind Jamie, stealing the ball from his possession, "I sure am. And you better watch out Jim Jam or you're gonna have some tough competition." Jamie crossed his arms and then jumped for the ball, knocking it out of Nathan's grasp.

Running after it, he threw Nathan a look of pride. "You were saying?"

As the boys began to face each other on the court Sam suddenly felt very alien to the game and, ostracized, moved over to sit by Haley where she felt more comfortable. It was an uncomfortable silence but Sam figured that was better than an even more tongue-tied discussion.

"So what were you and Hannah doing passing notes during my lecture today?" Haley questioned and Sam looked up in utter shock. Haley smiled. "Yeah, I saw you guys. I just didn't say anything."

"I think that qualifies as Nepotism," Sam said, tucking her hair behind her ears.

"Would you prefer if I singled you out in front of the entire class?" Haley matched her stare.

Sam kicked her feet at the concrete, "did I mention how big a fan I am of Nepotism?" She tried to smile but Haley wasn't buying it, there was an underlying problem that Haley would get to the bottom of if it took all day.

"Look Sam, that's not how I'd deal with anyone else so you're right, it's not how I should be dealing with you, no matter how much I care about you. But I figured calling you out on it would maximize problems that you don't need the whole school knowing about yet. So I let the notes slide, but do you wanna tell me what they were about now?" Sam held her gaze on Haley for a long time before looking away. "I did you a favor," Haley reminded her. "Is this about the doctor's appointment tomorrow?"

"No, I haven't told Hannah yet," Sam admitted. "It's about…Jack." When she found the courage to watch Haley's reaction, she was met with a perceptive but empathetic smile. "You already knew that.

"Well I saw your face when you first got a glimpse of him."

"You know there's an entire classroom of students, must you focus so much on me?'

Haley grinned, "Just talk to him honey, it can't hurt." Sam arched her eyebrows skeptically, "well, it can't hurt physically but you'll never know if you don't take the chance."

"What's he gonna say when I tell him he's about to be an uncle? What if he freaks and tells the whole world? What if he runs away and never wants to speak to me again? Ughh, Haley…"

"I know," Haley laughed, draping an arm over Sam's shoulders. "It'll be okay."

"Hey, Sam! Watch this!"

Haley and Sam both looked up to find Jamie perched on Nathan's shoulders, taking a shot from the foul line. It went it and the girls applauded. "Encore! Encore!" Sam shouted while Jamie was dribbling the ball back over their way. "I'd love to see that in instant replay."

"Well that's all she wrote for today," Nathan groaned, rubbing his shoulders. He'd forgotten how heavy Jamie was getting. "You'll have to wait till the game tomorrow."

Jamie's eyes lit up and he clasped his hands together in a begging stance, "will you come Sam? Please?!"

Sam thought about her doctor's appointment; it was early and she'd need the distraction afterwards. With Jamie watching her expectantly, Sam looked at Nathan and sighed, "How could I ever say no to that?

"Yes!" he cried, "now there'll be someone to tell Mama what's going on while daddy and uncle Lucas are on the sidelines."

"Hey!" Haley acted hurt, "I'm not that dumb."

"Of course you're not," Nathan jumped to her defense, wrapping his arms around Haley's waist and pecking her neck with kisses. "You're the smartest woman I know."

"I think I'm speaking for Jamie and I when I say can you two please save that for your valentine's festivities?"

Spinning around to look for Jamie's agreement she was surprised to find him meandering over to the nearby tree. Sam assumed he was grabbing for the spare basketball she had been using but when Jamie returned to her he was holding freshly picked flowers. Somewhat shyly, he held them out to her. "Will you be _my _Valentine?"

Sam was sure she could hear Nathan and Haley both smothering giggles, but she didn't care because Jamie had just given her the one little ounce of happiness she'd had all day.

_This is what love is. An act of kindness for no reason except to just do it._

"Jamie," she replied, "I'd be honored."

***

"This is the stupidest party ever."

"You don't give anything a chance," Hannah criticized. "It's not _that_ bad." She tipped her head back and swallowed the shot of vodka. It'd was empty long enough for Hannah to grab the bottle and pour the next shot. "Try some, it only tastes like shit the first time."

Sam shook her head, "No, I'll let you have all the fun."

"You're such a goody-goody." They looked up to find Kate, a girl Sam knew only by the heavy amounts of makeup streaked over her eyes, taking a seat on the couch beside them. "What happened to the idea of 'partying' at a party?"

"That's so last week haven't you heard?" Hannah laughed, and then noticed that Sam had only withdrawn. She slapped her knee with the back of her hand and held out the alcohol, "Come on Sam you can't sulk around forever. It's time to get over Jack and alcohol's the best way to do it."

"Jack?" another girl proceeded to ask and Sam looked up to see that more girls had gathered like a block of pigeons to birdseed. Except now they were feeding on her emotions.

They all leaned in, as if it were some sort of secret. "He's that cutie that just transferred to our school, in Mrs. Scott's English class. Really dark and broody with the curly hair."

Gianna, who sat in front of Sam in English, was all wide eyes. "_Him_. You know him?"

Slowly, Sam nodded. "We met through an old neighborhood I lived in. We're friends," she glared, sending daggers Hannah's way, "just friends."

"Sure sure," Hannah replied; Sam could tell she was beginning to get tipsy after downing her fourth shot. She probably wouldn't remember this conversation tomorrow. "That's why you had the puppy dog eyes all day after you saw him. Give it up, he's not coming tonight."

"What's his story though?" Gianna pressed, an obvious sign she was interested.

"What story?" Sam fingered a spare piece of fabric on the couch. She knew Jack's story, their stories had been intertwined for years now and telling his also meant letting some of his.

"You know," Kate jumped in, "why's he so quiet?"

"Did he like, do drugs?" Gianna guessed, reaching for a shot of liquor. It surprised to see how many of the people Sam had seen drank. As far as she'd known Gianna had been the sweet and innocent girl in marching band with straight A's. She'd obviously stereotyped her school, what had they said about her?

Either way, Sam shook her head. She wasn't telling them because they'd never understand.

"Lemme guess, he's one of those pyro kids that gets expelled for trying to burn the school down," supposed another girl named Emily that Sam didn't particularly like.

"_What?_" Sam jolted forward in her seat. Where did people come up with this stuff? "No."

"I bet he killed someone then," Gianna laughed, but Sam wasn't sure if she was kidding.

"No, but his brother did and he also beat the crap out of Sam's mom." Immediately the clamor of the girls who had circled around Sam and Hannah went dead silent. Sam had to stop herself from gasping as they all looked Hannah's way. "You know? Brooke Davis the fashion designer?" As she said this, she took another sip of the alcohol.

Since transferring to Tree Hill and moving in with Brooke, Sam had managed to keep a tight lid on her personal life. She didn't like being judged and knew that girls would treat her differently if they knew she was the daughter of a famous designer whose magazine they'd subscribed to. Entrusting Hannah with that secret hadn't been a problem because she'd had confidence in her as a friend; she'd been the first person to be nice to Sam at school.

But that was the problem with trust; instill it in the wrong people and it shattered quickly.

"She's your mother?" Kate gaped, obviously a fan. She scoffed, "some people have all the luck."

Sam couldn't contain her anger anymore. "You know what Hannah? Fuck you," she sneered before grabbing her coat and stalking off.

As soon as she'd moved five steps Sam realized she didn't know the way out of the house. It was a large Victorian mansion, the optimum party place but the rooms were like a maze and with so many people it was impossible to navigate through. So she just walked and thought of Hannah angrily.

It wasn't that Sam was opposed to drinking; she had expected there to be alcohol as it was the teenage way, but what she hadn't counted on was how hard it would be to avoid temptations. Knowing anything alcoholic could harm her baby she had to stay away, but the liquid offered her a magical reprieve from her life as she knew it and that was hard to just walk away from.

Brooke had let her go, Sam reminded herself. She'd obliviously believed, not knowing Hannah's mother, that Sam was under the supervision of an adult. If Sam were to get in trouble, she knew she wouldn't see anything besides the four walls of her bedroom for weeks.

A voice took her out of her thoughts.

"Hey, do I know you?"

Sam stared probably a minute too long. He was an upperclassman, she told herself, someone Natalie fawned over. His name began with a J—John, James maybe? She'd seen him in passing in the hallways a couple of times, spoken to him never…well before now anyway.

"I doubt you do," she made an endeavor to smile and seem friendly. "I'm Samantha."

Samantha? When had she ever called herself Samantha? But he was cute. "Samantha," he repeated, stepping a little nearer, "I like that. I'm Jeremy." Then, the classic line, "this must be the first time we're meeting, I'd remember someone like you. You're a junior?"

Flattered, she ducked her head to cover up the fact that she was blushing. "Sophomore," she corrected.

"Oh, well it's all the same to me," he replied, smiling and once again stepping nearer. "How about we…" his voice faded as if she were supposed to understand where his mind was heading. Sam, unfortunately, did. And she didn't like it. "Well, let's just say, I know where the bedrooms are."

There was alcohol trailing from his breath, it'd smelled like an entire factory with one exhale. Much like Xavier. Much like that night. Her skin prickled with goose bumps and she found herself stepping back nervously.

"Come on," he pushed. Why was everyone telling her that. "You're cute."

"No thanks," she whispered nervously. "I don't want to."

"You really must be new, _everyone _wants to screw me." He wrapped one arm around her waist as if he was ready to drag her off regardless of her excuses and Sam began to panic. This guy was drunk off his ass; there was no telling what he might do. For the first time she realized how loud the music really was and how the floor was lined with empty glasses and cans, stained by beer. Couples were hooking up on furniture and tables and no one was paying any attention to her. Who'd noticed if she disappeared with the popular upperclassman whose name Sam had already forgotten? She'd agreed to coming and now couldn't remember why.

With the little strength she had, Sam shoved him away, "I'd really rather not."

Dropping the beer can to the floor, he seemed to be angry. "Come _on._"

Jeremy was quickly silenced by a punch, sending him soaring away from her. "What the fuck?!" he screamed as people stopped what they were doing to stare. Sam looked the way their heads were turned to find Jack standing there with an outstretched arm.

"You okay?" he asked, moving nearer to her and this time she didn't back away. She nodded, trying not to cry. The details of her rape were fresh on her mind now and not dissipating.

"Took you damn long enough," Sam murmured, the way she'd always spoken to her best friend.

He began to walk away and then stopped and turned to her, waiting for a second. No 'come on' or 'let's go', just an open invitation that made her feel like she always had with him: she had options.

So of course she caught up with Jack and led him lead her out of the party.

The cool air was refreshing as it came in contact with her face and Sam breathed a sigh of relief. She'd gotten no more than a few feet from the porch before she couldn't keep quiet anymore. "You haven't answered any of my calls," she said sadly, "you didn't tell me you were coming back."

"Yeah," he replied. "Didn't really know what to say."

"It sucked didn't it?" she asked, his lack of response the answer she needed. "Did you run away?"

"Nah, the group they put me with doesn't suck as bad, so I figure I'll ride it out and see what they're like. After all," he faced her even though it was too dark for them to really see each other, "now I'll get to see you."

"I thought you were mad at me," she admitted, brushing up against him.

"I know…I can make up for it," he offered, subtly taking his hand in hers. "Wanna be my Valentine Samantha Walker?"

"Well," she laughed, "you'll have to share that title with a 5 year old. So if you can handle that, then yes Jack, I would love to be your Valentine as long as you never disappear again."

"Okay," he agreed. "I won't."

In that moment, Jack had helped her achieve the one thing she'd been searching for all week. Sanity. Without warning, she stopped walking and reached up to him, planting a kiss on his lips. Instead of pulling away like she feared, Sam felt him lean into her. She wasn't scared like she'd been the night of the rape, she was anything but.

"Wow," Sam whispered when their lips parted. She crossed her arms over her stomach.

"Yeah," he replied, a grin evident on his face even in the dark. "Wow."

She wrapped him in a hug and let go all her fears for that moment. There'd be time to tell him later, for now she was content to just be as she was. It was strange how two people could be so different. With Xavier, she'd experienced a tragedy. When Jack held her, she felt safe. Sam didn't even have to ask why he'd come to the party that night, she already knew that sometimes things just worked out for the right reasons.

"Thank you for saving me."

**So…….what'd you think?! Did you see that coming? You'll have to review to let me know, because I'm not psychic. =) Remember, I take suggestions!!**


	16. 15: The Moment I Said It

**Disclaimer: **One Tree Hill isn't mine. Sam isn't mine. BUT there's a finale on tonight!!!!

**Author's Note:** I'm sorry I haven't updated in almost a month. I had severe writer's block and I just felt like my writing ability was falling. I don't like this chapter but I wanted to get something out to you. So for the sake of my story PLEASE if you're still reading, TELL ME! When I go from 20 to 8 reviews this can't be normal. When my reviewers stop reviewing I worry. What's going on? Reassure me? I hope you like this.

**Setting: **February 2009

_The moment I said it,  
The moment I opened my mouth  
Lead in your eyelids,  
Bulldozed the life out of me_

I know what you're thinking,  
But darling you're not thinking straight  
Sadly things just happen we can't explain  
No I've never seen you like this,  
And I don't like it  
I don't like it  
I don't like it at all

-**Imogen Heap**

It was barely midnight and as far as Sam could tell, all was quiet. But as she carefully jiggled the handle on the front door and nudged it ajar, she was still extra careful. Brooke wasn't expecting her and wouldn't know she was coming from a party. And hopefully she wouldn't smell the lingering trace of alcohol on her clothes like the bitter aftertaste of a bad meal; just being around that creep had stained her.

Knowing Brooke though, she would pick up on that.

Sam wiped her eyes, willingly smudging the already smeared mascara. Jack had accompanied her home. They'd padded along the sidewalk in the darkness with her hand slipping into his as if no time had been lost.

That was the exact moment Sam realized her mistake. She hadn't told him.

It was only a baby, but to Sam it felt like a bomb ticking away in the pit of her stomach, so fragile it might blow them both to pieces at any minute. She told herself he'd understand; he _had_ to.

Tears slipped down her face anyway, threatening to expose her pain to Brooke before she could make that choice herself. A million times now Brooke had offered her support for anything and everything and if Sam was going to trust this woman as her mother, she needed to start confiding now.

But not tonight. Tomorrow. Putting things off made them seem further away, avoidable.

She handled the door to her bedroom like she was robbing a bank, cautious of each trigger that would alert Brooke of her presence. Fitting her fingers around the cool metal, she tugged it open slowly so there wouldn't be a creak. Sam held her breath. The room was bathed in a pale gray light, a scene from an old movie. One of those silent ones she'd seen spoofs of on TV while clicking through channels with her siblings as a child. Brooke was asleep.

Was she really off the hook?

Wringing her hands together, Sam let out the heavy high of relief. But then Brooke walked out of her bedroom. "Sam?" she asked softly and the teenager froze immediately. "I thought I heard you come in."

Sam remembered Laura possessing the ears of a rabbit; she'd sneak into the kitchen for a midnight snack and just as her hands were plunged deep into the cabinet searching for the most delicious snack the lights would switch on. To her surprise Laura knew every single time.

"I…uh…" she stammered. It felt good a time as any, "can we talk?"

Sam hadn't turned around, too nervous Brooke would read the guilt washed over her face, but her mother seemed to sense it anyway. "Sure honey," she put a hand on Sam's shoulder, "let's go."

Brooke took the lead and Sam followed her into the living room to the comfortable couch that had been the source of many tearful discussions lately. Sam stared into her lap, willing herself to speak. When nothing came out, Brooke jumped in for her, "did something happen with Hannah?"

_Hannah. _Sam had left her behind at the party without a parting word. Oh well, Sam quickly reminded herself, she deserve it. Nodding slowly, she began to divulge the details to Brooke, her conversation with Hannah, the almost-encounter with the upperclassmen, and her saving grace: Jack. Fear wrought her body as she prepared for Brooke's wrath, but there was nothing. Finally she raised her eyes from the floor, but Brooke was just waiting patiently.

"You're…not screaming," Sam observed, and then realized how stupid that sounded.

Brooke raised an eyebrow, "would you like me to?" A quick shake of the head made Brooke smile. She took a deep breath, "this can't be happening while you're pregnant Sam, and I'm going to be keeping a closer watch on you from now but. But I don't smell alcohol—" she paused, "well, not on your breath anyway. So I'll assume there was no other harm done?"

Sam's face folded and she sank further into the cushions as if she might just disappear between them. "What?" Brooke inquired, "you wanted to talk. Here's your big chance."

"I didn't tell him," Sam replied softly, with a touch of humiliation, "I didn't know how."

Sam could surprise Brooke sometimes. The girl often stood like an oak tree, unfaltering in the path of the most brutal storms. But when everyone least expected it, that tree would plummet to earth, exposing the rotting bark inside, worn from too much hardship.

Brooke nodded in response, letting the silence wrap them most in a choke hold. "Do you know what you want to say to him?"

"No," she admitted, "I mean how do you do that? Just walk up and say 'Hey dude, you're gonna be an uncle because your brother screwed me while he held me hostage?' I don't think so."

"Samantha," Brooke admonished. Deep down she knew Sam had a point though; as harsh as the words were to say, there were the ones that told her story. It was like trying to force a square through a circle hole, it wouldn't fit quite right. "If he's your best friend, he should understand…"

Sam looked at her, as if daring to make that statement again. "Seriously?! That's all you have for me? Some cliché statement that might make sense if I were a move character? Brooke it doesn't work like that! Not when you live the kind of lives we have, not when you're—" she hesitated, "not when you're me."

It was raw coming out of her mouth, the first time Brooke had seen Sam expose herself to this kind of bitter emotion without holding back. Brooke leaned forward a little bit, a little closer to Sam. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's supposed to mean that people leave Brooke, they leave when it gets tough." The way her mouth clamped shut, her lips guarding her true feelings, Brooke was sure Sam had more to say. So she waited patiently until Sam came around and let the words pass through. "I wouldn't blame him," she whispered softly. "If he never spoke to me again…I'd understand."

"No you wouldn't," Brooke replied.

Sam's eyes met Brooke's. "You're right," she admitted, "I wouldn't." For a very long moment she stood on the edge of her next statement, before finally jumping in full force. "I hate this stupid baby." Brooke nodded. "I hate it so much! It's ruining my life! Why did this have to happen? I could have just been happy right now; Jack could have been back and inside of focusing on this stupid little brat growing inside of me I could be happy like any other teenager! Why did all the fucking planets align and decide to screw with _my _life? WHY?!" She pressed her palms against her eyes, erasing the vision of Xavier, of the black and white swirls of new life that had been present of the clinic, of her life. Brooke calmly moved next to Sam, embracing her in a much needed hug. But Sam did not return the hug; she sat there letting Brooke encase her with love, the one thing she'd always needed so much as a child.

She did not have enough love for her own baby; of that much she was certain.

"You need to tell him," Brooke whispered, rocking Sam in her arms.

"I don't want to," Sam mumbled back.

"Put yourself in his position, wouldn't you want to know?"

"That's different…" she trailed off, "_he'd _never be pregnant."

"Still," Brooke reminded her, "the longer you keep it from him, the worse it's going to affect your friendship. Don't write everyone off so quickly, you might be surprised when they come through for you."

Through her years of foster homes and abusive parents it was hard not to see the world in a negative light. Not a single person had ever done something for her or Jenna besides themselves; life simply didn't work in a way of generosity. But, pressed up against Brooke and trying hard not to cry, she kept this to herself. Brooke had, after all, been the first to do something solely for her, expecting nothing in return.

Sam lifted her head away from Brooke, "okay," she relented. "I'll tell him tomorrow, he said he'd come to Jamie's basketball game with me. Will you--?"

"Come with you?" Brooke intercepted the statement, "of course I will."

"Thank you," Sam replied softly, "you're the best."

"Don't tell me you're just figuring that out now!" Sam laughed in return, and as Brooke pulled her close again she pretended that this innocent laugh had been genuine, instead of strained under the constant pressure of her life.

_"Mama!!!"_

_Laura flew up the stairs of their small North Carolina home and bounded through the door into Samantha's room where she was a puddle of tears in the middle of her sheets. "Oh ladybug, what's got you such a mess?" she cooed, crossing the room and settling beside her six-year-old daughter in the bed. With the two of them crunched together the mattress was so small and cramped but Sam still couldn't seem to crawl close enough._

_"I had a nightmare mommy that you went away and never came back!" Her frightened gaze at Laura was enough to melt the coldest heart. "You won't ever leave me, will you mama?"_

_Right there in Laura's arms she felt the safest she'd ever been and when Laura had told her through thick and thin she wasn't going anywhere, Sam had actually believed her. _

She awoke in Brooke's arms, well aware that she was weeping.

"Ssh, I'm right here," Brooke rubbed Sam's back as she cried oceans of tears, too overwhelmed to speak or move or do anything but shake in Brooke's embrace. "Go to sleep Samantha, you're okay. You're going to be okay." _Please be okay_ Brooke prayed. If she said it enough, wished it enough, Sam would be okay.

"Mama," she whispered into Brooke's shoulder as she remembered Laura, remembered the sight of her lifeless mother's body being wheeled away down the hospital corridor. The cold, lifeless icy eyes.

Laura had never planned to leave her, but it had ended up that way anyway.

Adoption was a willingness to leave. What did that make Sam then?

***

The human heart beat an average of 72 beats per minute.

Sam could think of a million terms that attached the word 'heart' to it. Heartbreaking; she pictured this pumping red organ shattering into a million unsalvageable pieces. Heart-wrenching; her chest felt twisted, choked so much by this inconceivable force that there was no way to breath. Heart-stopping; well, that one spoke for itself.

She was lying on her back in the doctor's office as the physician moved about doing all the tests Sam supposed were normal for a person in her position. She paid no attention to the frivolous words the doctor was spouting, how she should be even more careful as the time progressed. It was important that Sam not be stressed and not over exert herself. The woman told her these things as if she were saying 'Why don't you fly to everywhere you want to go from now on and pay someone else to do your homework so it's off your shoulders'. Sure, it'd be easier, but it just wasn't in the cards for her.

Brooke had dutifully assumed the position of note taker, specifically listening to all the instructions so Sam could tilt her head back and close her eyes, imagining herself somewhere else. Her favorite hobby had been to daydream when she was little. Stop staring into space Laura had said, it's not going to get you anywhere.

But maybe the land of denial was just where she wanted to be in that moment.

When a clear thumping was loud in her ears, Sam immediately opened her eyes. _One, two._ The doctor, whose name she hadn't bothered to remember, pointed excitedly to the screen. "See? There's your baby!"

Sam had owned very few of her own possessions in the past few years. To be able to say that this was her cell phone would have been a great responsibility to bear. Now here was this tiny fetus, although to Sam in looked more like an amoeba, swimming around on the screen. And it was _Sam's_, no one else's.

_Eighteen, nineteen._

That's what scared her; it meant making her own mistakes and having someone else suffer.

Brooke placed a hand on her shoulder, as she moved closer the comfort radiated away from her like a heater, instantly easing Sam's chills. "You all right, sweetheart?" Sam nodded. "Just hang in there."

"Will the father be an active part during the pregnancy?" the woman asked, and although she'd been referring to Sam, Brooke was the one to jump in so Sam wouldn't have to.

_Thirty-three, thirty-four._

"No," she said in a thick, harsh tone. Sam had tensed up, her eyes widening in fear to the point where Brooke wanted to yell at the physician. She didn't have an inside look on their home life and obviously didn't know who Xavier was and the ugly connotation behind his name, but seeing how it killed Sam hurt her even worse. "No, he won't."

She rubbed the gel off Sam's stomach with a washrag. "Do you have any other questions for me?"

_Will it know that it's supposed to belong to me?_

_How do I live with myself knowing that I can't keep this baby?_

_What if I screw up it's life more than I already have?_

Instead, she heard herself shyly pipe up with, "when will I know if it's a girl or boy?

_Fifty-nine, sixty._

Brooke sent her a weary gaze, of all the questions she could have asked that was the least likely she would have expected to hear. But the doctor just smiled graciously, "it could be anytime at early as thirteen weeks, but that's not a for sure thing. The baby's position greatly affects our ability to predict it accurately. We'll try as soon as we can though, I've had a lot of anxious mothers who couldn't wait to figure out if they would be shopping for Barbie's or trucks." Sam swallowed hard; this woman was looking at her and speaking to her as if she 25 instead of 15.

She was not ready to associate herself with the term 'mother'.

And Sam would not admit allowed that the reason she had asked was because maybe, deep down, she actually cared a little bit about this child after all.

_Seventy-one, seventy-two._

***

By the time Sam and Brooke arrived at Jamie's basketball game it was already half over. "We can always go home if you're not feeling up to this," Brooke reminded her as the door to the gym swing shut behind them.

"Last night you were telling me that I needed to do this, today you're telling me to chicken out. Make up your mind Brooke." A smile hid the nauseous feeling that had been plaguing Sam since she'd departed the doctor's office, legs wobbling like jelly the entire way.

"I know," Brooke confessed, "but you've had a long day, and if you need to rest I'd understand."

"It's only 12:00! I get it, but I really have to do this or I'll never be able to."

Making an endeavor to be completely sympathetic, Brooke grinned with encouragement. But the way Sam was grasping her stomach to hide the evidence was not just noticeable but concerning.

On the other side of the gym Haley and Peyton were huddled together halfway up the bleachers, absorbed in the game as a little girl of the opposite team made an attempt at a lay-up. By sheer chance, Haley cocked her head to the side and got a glimpse of Sam and Brooke climbing over the rows of wooden benches. "Oh! Sam alert," she nudged at Peyton with one elbow, "act normal."

"I thought we _were _acting normal," Peyton murmured back, ignored by Haley.

"Hey guys!" Brooke greeted them cheerfully, "what'd we miss?"

"Jamie's scored six points so far," Haley explained. "They're up by two but he's out right now. On the other hand Nathan and Lucas are off on the side calling out even though Skills has told them a bunch of times to stop coaching the 5 year olds like high schoolers."

Rolling her eyes, Brooke set her purse down next to her and began to chuckle, "once a coach always a coach."  
Sam smiled; she loved how involved Nathan was in Jamie's life. Even just watching him gaze intently at the ongoing game it was obvious how much he wanted to be a part of the action with his son, to help him come out on top. Adam had been the same way with her brother; sometimes kids just ended up lucky. When she came back to reality and realized all three women were staring at her, she quickly scrambled for a place to sit. Haley patted the empty space next to her, a subtle suggestion, and although Sam had been glued to Brooke all morning, she pried herself away long enough to sit beside Haley. "How are you?" she inquired sweetly, leading into a question about her appointment until Brooke shot her a look.

Trying to remain optimistic, she nodded slowly, "I'm okay. The baby's healthy."

Haley didn't seem to know the right reaction to this, "That's good. You seem a little distracted."

"Yeah." She was, her mind spacing out and returning every few seconds like a boomerang. She fidgeted, playing with the brunette fringes of hair. "Have you…uh, seen Jack?"

"Not around here, no." She studied the way the Sam's facial features fell, "Why? Should he be?"

"I'm going to tell him about the baby today…"

"And you don't know how to?" Haley finished for her. Turning a shade of red as her own unusual lack of words, Sam just nodded. Amongst all the sarcastic comments she dished out on a daily basis, it was hard to go about something this serious and find the right emotions needed to express it. As a writer, Sam knew best that there were ways to complete dialogue, maybe a few trigger words to capture the attention of the read and hold it there so that they knew you had someone important to say. But she felt speechless.

Peyton chimed in a minute later, "I'll tell him for you! It'll make us even for you telling Julian."

"At this point I might have to take you up on that offer," Sam groaned. "This is giving me such a headache."

"I feel for ya kid, but you better think of something fast."

"Why?"

"Because," Peyton pointed through the doorway where a head of curly hair was slipping through the parents and children living the wall. "The headache is coming your way."

How could a person who'd always managed to make her laugh and take away her fears suddenly become so intimidating? Jack, who had only a few inches on her, seemed to suddenly tower over her. Sam felt very small, like a mouse in the presence of an elephant, frightened of being crushed.

He found her almost effortlessly. "Sam!"

She waved heart-heartedly and a few seconds later he was right in front of her. "Sorry I'm late! The foster parents thought it'd be a good idea to get all of us to clean the house, it took me an hour to try and get away. How's the kid doing?"

"Jamie just went back in," she pointed him out, scaling down the side of the court and holding out his arms, beckoning for the basketball. Immediately the atmosphere around the swelled with anxiety. Sam glanced at Haley, Peyton and Brooke watching her and began to feel suffocated. Jack, with her boyish grin remained oblivious. "Hey do you want to come to the vending machine and grab a drink with me?" she queried, the first excuse that had come to mind.

Of course, he agreed, and when the two of them made her way by Brooke, her hand brushed against Sam's with a small squeeze for good luck. Jack's replaced Brooke's a minute later and Sam began trying to convince herself that the women weren't looking after her with their hopefulness to see the situation end well. It would only disappoint them just as much if things crumbled between her and Jack.

Which was what she was expecting.

The only vending machine within the vicinity of them gym was located in the hallway that led to the boys and girls locker rooms. It was a common sit where students gathered who wanted ditch class, but besides that and during the high school sports games it typically remained vacant.

She let three quarters slide from her fingers into the machine, keeping her back to Jack. The soda landed with a crash and as she bent over to pick it up, Jack's voice cut in on the silence.

"You know…I know why you brought me here."

Sam froze, "you…you do?"

He laughed, the warmth of his voice calming against the stale air. "Brooke won't get suspicious if we take a few extra moments to make out." Jack smiled, a temptation to Sam. She tucked her hair behind her ear, moving towards him in small steps. The secret was massive between them, the force that repelled two magnets that normally stuck together in opposite directions. She stopped then, alerting Jack. "What? You don't want to?"

Of course she did, she'd wanted to for months on end before finally letting go last night, but now that Sam had him right in front of her, something else had gotten in the way.

Jack took the lead, wrapping her tightly in his arms and meeting her at the lips. They stumbled backwards, Sam dropping the soda. She watched out of the corner of her eye as it rolled away, unfocused even as Jack leaned into the kiss more. "Jack…" her voice faded as she fell out of the kiss. She said it again. "Jack."

Sam wondered if he could feel the growing bump on her stomach, if he was anywhere near aware of the state she was in. Like a normal guy he wasn't showing it, her calls fell on dead ears and he continued to hold her. Maybe all this time he'd wanted her just as much as she'd been longing for him. It was a sweet gesture in the most terrible time, because she was beginning to be reminded of Xavier.

"Jack!" she cried when still hadn't reacted. This time he finally heard her and pulled away, but didn't relinquish her from his arms. "Thank you," she mumbled and then began to cry.

Confused by her sudden outburst, Jack held out his arms, reaching for her. But she shrieked and backed away, the details of the rape fresh on her mind. "Sam, what did I do?" he wanted to know. "I thought you wanted to be with me…I thought that was why you asked me here."

He appeared so young in that moment, like a puppy in the aftermath of a scolding from it's owner, that Sam felt badly for recoiling in the way that she did. "I did," she whispered, leaning against the wall for support. "I do. It's just that…"

"It's just that what?" he became exasperated, begging for inspiration. Sam's ordinary cynical demeanor was nothing compared to the fear hiding in the whites of her eyes, the quivering of her lower lip. Just last night she'd been all for touching him and Jack had been glad he'd taken the risk of going after Sam at the party. But things had shifted within a matter of hours. This wasn't her; this was some timid little girl with Sam's body. "You're scaring me."

"Jack, I have something to tell you." When Sam saw he was all ears, she took a deep breath. "Your brother didn't just attack me like I told you after that night…he _raped_ me."

Jack's legs went numb beneath him and he grabbed for the first thing he could to steady himself. "No.

"I'm sorry I never told you," she whimpered through tears. "But that's not it. You're gonna be an uncle, Jack, because now…I'm pregnant."


	17. 16: Defeated

**Disclaimer: **Lalalalalalala….oh, One Tree hill? Yeah, not mine. Sorry =/

**Author's Note:** This should make some of you happy. An update quickly. So as a result you should review. That'd make me happy. The happier I am the more quickly updates come…you getting this?

**Setting: **February 2009

_I'm all out of words  
Defeated by your silence  
I'm lost in the circle you started,  
Your mask is now silver and gold_

I'm crushed by the stone  
That once was your love  
And endless wine for the taking  
No bottle is dry,  
Surrounded by the distance  
You made a cold resistance

Where did you go this time?

**- Emily Richards**

_Sam could count on one hand the amount of people she trusted in her lifetime. One, her mother. Two, her father. Three, Daniel. Four, Jenna. On some occasions, but not all that often, she would add herself to that list. But being a disadvantaged child floating through the broken system of foster homes meant Sam never could say for sure that her first reaction to a situation would be made while she wasn't in control. _

_It seemed in the system you were always running, whether it was away from the parent or towards that distant hope that you could survive on your own without adults. Because to a kid in the system 'parent' was a relative term, and there were rules. You did not address them as mommy or daddy, you did not let them see you vulnerable, and you did not love them. Because they were backstabbers; when you least expected it there would be a stinging sensation in your chest, the cutting reality of betrayal._

_That very morning Sam and Jenna had been told they were being sent away. Jane, for all her downfalls, had still been decent. Maybe Sam had begun to care for her. But a baby was on the way, it was all over now._

_As they'd begun to throw their possessions into the book bags that had been more constant all of their foster parents combined, Jenna had turned to Sam with tear-stained eyes. "I don't want to do this anymore."_

_There had been a few remaining days left in their school before it would be back to the drawing board but the morning instead of waiting patiently at the bus stop like they always did, the girls kept walking past the street sign. In fact, they continued to walk until one street had blended with another and eventually they'd passed even the elementary school that stood on the edge of town. Sam had never minded school but she figured there was no point in going when they'd been told by many of their foster parents that they'd never amount to anything._

_"I'm hungry," Jenna whined some time later and Sam glanced down to her wrist. 3:00_

_Sighing, Sam relented, "okay I guess we're far enough away now." On the corner of that block was a local supermarket. Ushering Jenna through the automatic doors they quickly scuttled to the candy aisle. Laid out in front of them was an endless supply of skittles, m&ms, and gummy bears. If someone was looking to go into a diabetic coma, this was definitely the place to go. "Will this do?" Sam asked impatiently._

_Jenna stared at her in disbelief. "You mean we can have candy for dinner? Isn't that breaking the rules?"_

_"I think by running away from our foster parent we're already breaking a much bigger rule Jen," Sam rolled her eyes. The naïve personality of her sister still managed to astound her. "Just pick some stuff okay? Whatever you want?"_

_"How much money do you have on you?"_

_"It doesn't matter," Sam passed her off, "we're not paying for it."_

_"What?" Jenna's bright blue eyes swelled to oceanic size. "But that's __**stealing**__," she whispered._

_Sam crossed her arms. "Obviously, Jenna. But just think all that life stole from us. It's like compensation." Pivoting on her feet she began to scan amongst the sugar galore for her favorite treat. "Nine-year-olds," she mumbled, bumping into another kid whose eyes were glued to the Kit Kat Bars. "Sorry," she quickly glanced up. "I wasn't looking where I was going."_

_The kid merely shrugged, "it's fine. You gonna get one?"_

_"Yeah," she said with a tight smile, "they're my favorite." _

_"Mine too," he replied, rocking slightly on his feet, before grabbing one and disappearing down the aisle._

_Jenna wandered over to her a few minutes later, hands full with delicious goodies. Trembling at the idea of being caught, Sam began shoving the candy into the pocket of her backpack, Jenna stiffly beside her. _

_But as they were on their way out of the store seemingly empty handed, one of the cashiers caught sight of Jenna's guilty expression and Sam's bulging backpack. "Hey," he called, "can I check your bag?" The duo instantly darted out of the store, but was unable to outrun the high-schooler. They stared up at him with bright innocent eyes, as if proclaiming mercy, but he wasn't fazed. "Two young kids leaving empty handed is just too suspicious. You can hand it over now or I can get the manager involved…who will call your parents…" Terrified, Sam reluctantly unzipped her bag, relinquishing their only meal._

_Jenna looked to Sam for the lead, their only plan now thwarted, but Sam was defeated and began to walk in the opposite direction. "So much for that," she sighed._

_"Hey, wait!"_

_At the familiar voice, Sam stopped to face the boy from the candy aisle running towards them. She realized for the first time that he, like them, had a bag. And a minute later he was handing them the exact candy they'd just tried to pilfer. _

_"You have to be more subtle about it," he explained, "it takes a few tries to get right."_

_Sam stood there. If he were not so entirely cute, she would be offended by his charity. But something about the genuine concern on his face proved they may have been one in the same. Maybe he understood._

_"Thanks," she began to pocket the candy. "I'm Sam."_

_There was a large grin as he reached out to shake her hand and seal the deal of friendship for life. "I'm Jack." _

_Sam smiled back, charmed. Five, Jack._

_***_

There were moments in life that simply did not have meaning. The in-betweens of major discussions or events where you were simply left to catch your breath and prepare to move on. It was like the commercial on a TV show: pointless, but something had to fill in the gaps.

There Sam sat, in the arch that led to the guy's locker room, trying to process what had just happened.

Emotions were tricky. Even though everyone was supposed to feel them, the teenage code seemed to dictate just the opposite. If you were upset, deal with it but not at school. Not in the presence of other people because that just labeled you some sort of emo loser. No matter what the adults said, stoic was always better than gloomy and tearful. And people would talk for all the wrong reasons. When you were angry it was the common thing to show that anger. In the past three weeks, Tree Hill High had had over 10 fights. She'd witnessed a girl pull a chunk of hair pulled from the scalp of her ex-best friend, a senior leave a freshman's face a bloody pulp just because he could. Violence wasn't the answer according to teachers; for students, it was the only answer. And when you were happy, there was always someone questioning your motives: you were just too perky, maybe that made you self-absorbed. It was a game of Russian roulette; you never knew if by acting one way the public would applaud you or throw tomatoes. And what you may think was a stupid way to feel as an outsider in a situation soon became the exact reaction running through your head for your own problems.

She'd have to go back up to the bleachers; it'd been fifteen minutes and Brooke would surely be getting worried by now. But what to say to convey her emotions in the right way? Control was key. Control of the stupid hormones that were conflicting her.

Pushing herself up off the tiled floor, Sam headed back towards the gym. She kicked the already shaken can a few feet before thrusting it against the wall with her foot. The aluminum cracked and soda exploded all over the floor.

That was a way of life. Under pressure, nothing could be contained and then you were just left with a sticky situation.

***

_"Truth or dare?"_

_Sam set the bowl of popcorn down between the two of them and considered this. "Truth."_

_"What's the worst thing you've ever done to one of your foster parents?" _

_Giggling softly to herself, Sam began to sort through the portfolio of bad deeds in her head. "Jenna and I have done a lot of really awesome things. But my personal favorite was the night we locked this guy in the closet all night." She tilted her head backwards in laughter. Jack raised one eyebrow. "He always used to send us to our room for the stupidest things, so one day we decided it was time for his own sentencing. I was like ten, so Jenna was seven and still young enough that we could convince him she thought there was monsters in the closet. When we got him to go in and check, Jenna swung the door shut behind him and luckily our closet had a lock. So we piled stuff against it anyway for safe measure and then partied the whole night."_

_Jack couldn't help but laugh at the image of a large man in a cramped dark box of a closet. "I'll admit, that was pretty good," he complimented, shoving a handful of the popcorn into his mouth, "for a girl."_

_She crossed her arms in mock anger, "fine. Your turn. Truth or dare."_

_"Truth," he challenged._

_"Okay." She thought for a moment, then grinned, "What do you regret most in your life?"_

_"Sneaking you that candy the day we met."_

_"Funny," Sam replied sarcastically. Jack stuck out his tongue. "Seriously though, I wanna know."_

_For a long time Jack said nothing and Sam was starting to wonder if maybe she'd triggered bad memories. But in the past two years they'd become fast friends and she trusted him, maybe even liked him a little. Jack, for all counts, had become her closest confidant and now she wanted him to trust her as well. "Your damn sister better not be eavesdropping," he muttered, "because I will not have this repeated. Ever."_

_Nodding, Sam reassured him. "She's asleep on the couch downstairs and my foster parents aren't even home. Just go."_

_"I told you my dad was really abusive. He used to clobber me for the stupidest reasons while my mom just sat back and watched. I was always really angry because she didn't do shit to help me. I thought she just liked to see me suffer or something. I thought she didn't care. So I started being a real jerk to her just because I wanted her to be miserable like me. I told her a lot of shit, like that she was a terrible mother and she didn't deserve me or my brother. I guess I was like ten or eleven, I don't really remember. All I know is, if I'd known what he was doing to __**her **__I never would have said any of it. Because one day he took it took far and when she tried to call the police on him he beat her to death." Jack paused for a moment to let his stomach catch up with him as he remembered how petrified he'd been at the sight of his beloved mother. Had it not been for all the blood and bruises, he might have thought she was asleep. "I wish I could take all of that back. When my dad went on trial for murder they said that he used to rape her. You know what that is right?" Sam nodded and then cringed. "How could anyone do that? I'll never turn my back on someone again, Sam, not when something like that is going on."_

_Sam's room, lit only by the candles she perched on her nightstand and dresser, seemed so much smaller in that moment. She'd always been claustrophic and listening to Jack the walls began to move in on them as she imagined the ordeal he'd been through. Slowly, and for the first time in their friendship, she moved towards him and awkwardly placed her arms around his broad shoulders. It was misplaced; Cinderella trying to embrace the Hulk, but his muscles relaxed at her touch and Jack calmed._

_"I've never told that to anyone before," he whispered. And then, when she didn't respond, "Truth or dare."_

_She slowly let go of him, "dare."_

_"Kiss me."_

_Nervously, Sam leaned forward at the chance. She'd always considered he might have a thing for her too, but guys were incredibly opaque as opposed to her transparency. But just as he lips were about to brush against his, she heard the front door to the house swing open. "Oh," Sam yelped, "maybe this isn't a good idea now. Under the circumstances."_

_"The circumstances," he repeated, "yeah. Rain check?"_

_"Sure," she agreed. "That sounds good to me."_

_***_

"You are missing the _entire_ game!" Peyton cried as she noticed Sam returning. "Jamie's like a little Nathan mini-me. He's leading the whole team!"

"I think you're being a little biased," Haley admonished but she was all smiles. "But, as his mother, I allow you to keep doing what you're doing! Because he is quite the little star,"

Sam laughed and climbed over their bags to sit next to Brooke. Trying to restrain herself from the imminent paranoia, Brooke asked, "where's Jack?" It sounded like an assumption, but there was no other way to ask.

"He had to go," Sam replied, "his mom found out he tried to sneak away. He told me we'd hang later though, if that's okay."

Haley grabbed Sam's hand. "So everything went…okay?" she queried hopefully.

Sam took a deep breath, "yes," she replied finally with extra confidence. "It went fine, great actually."

"Did it?" Brooke asked, putting a supportive arm around Sam's shoulders, "Well I'm glad. Because you deserve to have as many on your team as possible. So you can relax now," she said, rubbing Sam's arm. "I told you everything would be okay."

"Yeah," Sam replied absently and then led the topic astray from Jack. "So they're winning?"

"Yeah!" Peyton cheered, obviously very into the game. "It's great, there's only like three minutes left so it's pretty much a safe bet they'll be coming out on top today." She laughed, Brooke and Peyton joining in too. They had so much a childlike exterior to them today, like everything was all rainbows and butterflies.

She followed Jamie with her eyes. He waved to her excitedly once and keeping up her charade, she grinned back and gave him two thumbs up. Then surely enough, a minute later he'd made another successful jump shot. "Looks like he's showing off for you Sam," Brooke observed, winking.

"Aw!" Haley beamed, "Yeah, he loves you. You don't know how excited Jamie was to know you were coming."

When the game ended, their win as Peyton had predicted, they all filed down the steps of the bleachers and crowded around Jamie. He flew into Sam's arms and with a bit of difficulty she managed to lift him. "You really came!" he shrieked happily and began to rant as only a five-year-old could, finishing with, "Can you believe it Sam? We won!"

_Well, at least somebody's winning. _She praised Jamie excessively, followed the gang out of the school and chatted all through lunch, continuing to don the mask of bliss.

***

Water brought out the worst in a person. Immersed in the steaming flow of water, Sam was finally able to let go. She stared into the shower head as the steady stream of hot water slapped against her back, her head and every other part of her body. It hadn't felt this good to shower since the night of the rape, but somehow now she was feeling even worse than then.

She'd lied to Brooke, lied to Haley, lied to Peyton, and lied to herself. Mask that pain, that's what she'd learned from school. But the mask could only last for so long. Once Halloween was over, you needed to slip seamlessly back into reality where everything wasn't one giant parade of fakes. Or maybe it was. Either way, Sam was finding she couldn't hide too much longer. It was like trying to be in clothes that you had grown out of; no matter how you tried to pull the situation to your favor, bare skin was still exposed.

Sam huddled in a ball on the floor of the shower, heat blasting her skin as she was pelted with water. She grasped her knees, hugging them so close to her body that in constricted her breathing. Let the water burn her, let it erase everything that had happened today.

Why had she been optimistic?

Why had she trusted him?

Tears and water blended together. They stung, they crawled down the side of her cheeks and washed away forever while her whole body turned red with embarrassment and pain. It was amazing how much he could sway her thoughts and feelings. But he was…well, he was simply Jack. He was the constant; the control in the science experiment that was her life. And the control didn't falter; it was just there for support. If Jack wasn't going to be there…well, then what was the point?

He was her comedic release, her teddy bear, the security blanket that she would never be old enough to retire.

When all the water finally drained from her head and the shower, Sam wrapped a towel around her body and slumped into the bedroom. It was only 8:00, yet the sun was already long gone. That would make it so much easier to just give her body to the exhaustion. Dressing in sweatpants and long sleeves because even though she'd just bathed in fire her skin was still coated in ice, Sam burrowed under the blankets and continued to cry.

She rolled over onto her stomach as if challenging some outside force to harm the baby.

As if saying _'I don't care what you do, I can't hurt any more than I already do'_.

Brooke had heard her sobbing as she'd passed the bathroom twenty minutes earlier, but had chosen to hold back until Sam was settled underneath her blankets to intrude. She hadn't been satisfied with Sam's very vague answer back at the high school, sensing that there was more than met the eye. But Sam had been so receptive the rest of the day that Brooke had been able to breathe easier, so she hadn't pressed for more.

This, though, confirmed her original guess. It hadn't gone well with Jack, not by a long shot.

She knocked as a warning, but then gently opened the door as to not startle her daughter. "Sam?" she called into the darkness.

Her only response was muffled whimpers from beneath the pillows.

Feeling her heart melt at Sam's incurable weeping, Brooke cuddled beside her in the bed. Although she wasn't sure what she expected, it was a relief when Sam reached out for Brooke and then disappeared into her arms

"Okay sweetie," Brooke whispered tenderly to the broken teenager she held. "What _really _happened?"

***

_In the silence, Sam felt like time was standing absolutely still._

_It was like that last minute before summer vacation, where every student's eyes bore into the clock, waiting for the eternal minute to pass before they would be free of all their usual boundaries to explore, to be kids._

_"Jack," she spoke up with an uncertainty. "Please say…something."_

_A cloud of haze separated them as he tried to process her words. He was sure he'd heard Sam correctly but that just couldn't be. They were sophomores in high school, not even sixteen yet. Teenagers couldn't get pregnant, he tried to tell himself. But he'd heard the stores of girls who ended up expecting and were not yet out of high school. Deep down, Jack knew Sam was in fact telling him the truth._

_And his brother. His fucking __**brother**__, who had always taken what mattered most to him as a child. His favorite toy car, his sanity, and now, his best friend._

_"You hate me now," Sam began to jump to conclusions, "don't you?"_

_He remembered the night they'd prattled on stupid truths and dares in her bedroom for hours. Jack had relived the night of his mother's death in front of her. She'd almost kissed him. That'd been the only thing close to a kiss they'd had until last night, when he'd finally admitted to both of them that he cared for her more than a friend._

_And now…this?!_

_She'd been so on edge, she'd tried to pull away from him when he held her close to him. Because Xavier had screwed with her mind and fried any sense of adventure she'd had. _

_"Please Jack, speak." _

_She was crying and she needed an answer from him. A simple 'it'll be okay'. I'll get you through this. You'll never be alone. But as much as he wanted to say all these things it just wasn't coming out. Like trying to start a car with no fuel. He took a deep breath, tried to communicate to his brain everything he wanted to say to her._

_"I…" a single word fell from his lips. "Sam."_

_She gazed up at him, her face shining with the remnants of tears. He was doing this to her, he was hurting her. Why couldn't he just stop and say what he wanted to? Why did being a guy meant he was not able to confess the truth to Sam? He was just like his brother._

_"I don't know what to say…"_

_"This is it then…" she stopped, began to walk away. "Isn't it?"_

_"Wait." A marionette doll, she was willed to stop, wait. "I don't know what to tell you. And I wish I could say what you want to hear but I don't know what's right and what's not. I don't know how this will be okay."_

_"It's not!" Sam yelled, keeping her voice down enough not to attract attention but still loud enough to keep Jack focused on the anguish racing around in her eyes. It was wild, it was the complete opposite of the Sam he'd known for years. Rape was not just rape; it was murder to the soul._

_That deserved life in jail._

_Sam paced in a circle and Jack watched as if she might walk a hole in it. "It's never going to be all right but you needed to know because he's your brother. And I don't compare you to him! But I need to know what you think of this. I mean can you still look at me in any way other than pity? Can you get past it like I'm trying to? Can you, Jack?"_

_He stared at her for a long time. Shell-shocked._

_"I wanted to get away, to go with you, but he was just too strong. I'm sorry, Jack. I should have told you before you left but I just didn't seem like the right time. It will never be the __**right **__time. Please, just talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking. Don't leave me out in the cold." She held her gaze on Jack for an interminable minute that stretched out over hours of time. "Please don't blame me for this."_

_Against his intentions and his will power, Jack let his own emotions control his actions. Sam was begging him to help. He had told her he'd never let anyone suffer after his mother but here was history repeating itself._

_Old habits die hard._

_He closed his eyes and turned around, heading out of the hallway. He couldn't stand to know she was going to cry harder once he left, but before he could face Sam he needed time. Just before he had cleared the barren area, Jack stopped, realizing he could leave her with something. Even if it was a only a fragment of consolation._

_"I don't blame you," he looked over his shoulder. "But right now, I can't do this."_

_And he walked away._

**So, cool, you're going to let me know how I did? I was pretty proud of this. What do you think Jack's going to do? Disappear forever or are there other things on his mind? We'll have to see. The next chapter will be the last Feb 2009 and then it's gonna jump a few months. **

**P.S. Elisacolette and Tutorgirl, two of my favorite reviewers because you always have great feedback. Are you two still reading? I miss your suggestions! Haven't heard from ya in awhile.**

**REVIEWS =LOVE**


	18. 17: Sink or Swim

**Disclaimer: **Don't own One Tree Hill. Nope.

**Author's Note: **I know, okay? Before you yell, I wanna thank you guys sooooo much for keeping up on me and telling me to continue. I never meant to go 4 ½ months before updating. But I have been so busy and had the greatest writer's block anyone could imagine. So if you're going to review, leave ideas! This story will not go unfinished, I promise you that. But I am a junior in high school with a job and a member of my high school marching band. Needless to say, ever since August hit I've been busy and this 2 pages of a chapter was sitting there unfinished. I meant this to be the last Feb. 2009 chapter but unfortunately there will have to be another. I wanted to update now with a shorter amount so you guys could have something and know I'm not abandoning Slowly Crumbling. Until November 8 though, which is the last day of my season, my time is short. So don't expect another update before then, you'll be kidding yourself. I love you guys, you're the reason I'm still writing!!

**Setting: **February 2009.

_Caught in the middle of a crossfire  
Lost my balance on a high wire  
Trying to figure out what to do_

Pushed to the edge of my reason  
Everywhere around me it's treason  
I don't want to do that to you

Kamikaze airplanes in the sky  
Are we going down or will we fly?  
This could be a shipwreck on the shore  
Or we could sail away forevermore  
This time it's sink or swim, sink or swim

**-Tyrone Wells**

Jack wondered if his foster parents had noticed that he hadn't been home in almost a full day. It was strange to think about, but right now he didn't want to be around anyone. So since he'd ditched Sam yesterday at the school gym, he'd been walking around town. He'd slept in the plastic tunnel at the elementary school park, shivering the entire night but thankful he'd left the house in heavy clothing. He loitered in stores, lingering in the candy aisle or browsing the magazine section until the cashiers began to look at him as if they suspected something was wrong.

The whole time, of course, he'd been moving steadily in one direction. There was only one place he was really looking to go.

The Tree Hill County Jail.

He supposed that even though his mind denied it, Jack knew all along that this is where his feet were bringing him. There was no way he was going to be able to face Sam if he couldn't face his brother.

As Jack finally reached the facility though, his legs began to feel wobbly. He tried to force them up the steps towards the entryway, but they just didn't seem to want to go. "I'm doing this for Sam," he reminded himself aloud, compelling his feet to obey him. Slowly, he regained control of his body again and managed his way towards the main desk.

"Can I help you?" The officer behind the desk asked, somewhat impatiently.

No words came out and Jack was rarely a person who couldn't offer up any response at all. When he noticed the guy eying him skeptically, Jack swallowed hard. "I want to visit my brother."

"Kid, do you know what time it is?" the officer inquired, pointing to the nearby wall clock, "We don't accept visitors until twelve, it's barely eight. Come back then."

"But I need to see him!" Jack basically screamed, his face desperate and pleading. He needed to convince the officer that this was worth breaking the rules for. "Please, this is really important. I really need to see him, and I don't know when or if I'll be able to come back."

The officer's eyes softened a little, he seemed to see something in Jack that reached past his usually hard behavior. "What did you say your brother's name was again?"

Jack stared up at him. "Xavier Daniels."

He typed something into the computer, mumbling something Jack could barely hear about 'Daniels being a popular man lately', and then looked Jack's way. "I'll have someone take you up to see him. But keep your visit short, considering your brother is in maximum security. Deal?"

A nod and Jack was already following the other worker. "Deal."

***

Sam woke to an empty bed. Seeing as she'd fallen asleep in Brooke's arms, that was the first thing that tipped her off.

The shrill whistling coming from the kitchen was the second. Brooke didn't whistle. Ever.

Her eyebrows arched in confusion and she rolled off of the bed. There were very few possibilities of who she was about to come face to face with. Either way, as she stumbled into the kitchen she found the center island in the kitchen, the newspaper, and the person reading it: Julian. His face lit up when he noticed her, but she just grunted, not really in the mood for company.

But as she began to head back to her bedroom, Julian quickly intercepted her. "Whoa, Sammy," he grinned, grabbing Sam by the crook of her elbow. "Since when do you run at the first sight of me?"

Facing her completely now, Julian could plainly read Sam's obvious distress. She was not just a ghostly pale, but unusually quiet for the cynic he was used to.

"Where's Brooke?" he heard her ask softly.

"She went out to meet Peyton and the rest of the gang for breakfast. But the good news is now you'll actually enjoy a decent meal, courtesy of me." At this, Sam noticed that the almost-new kitchen supplies lined the counter; the ones Brooke didn't often touch because her skills rarely superseded waffles. "So what'll it be?"

"Cold pizza."

"French toast and bacon it is!"

Sam rolled her eyes, clearly not amused. "Whatever."

"Hey," he called after her, but she hardly paid any attention. "What's your problem this morning?" Sam continued to ignore him, flopping down on the couch and turning on the TV. A second later a flash of yellow caught Julian's eye. "Wow, Spongebob? You're more interested in that buck tooth square-for-brains over talking to me?"

"They're one in the same," she replied shrilly.

That shut Julian up, at least for the meantime. Instead, he focused on breakfast, catching Sam at a sideways glance every one in awhile. She was obviously still reeling from the night prior, although Brooke hadn't divulged specific details. Just that she'd cried herself to sleep and it had to do with a certain curly headed brunette.

He didn't expect she was really watching that cartoon crap. But if it meant her emotions could remain a dormant volcano, Julian knew Sam well enough to suspect she'd take the opportunity.

"All right Sam, its ready." She hardly moved at all. If she'd heard him, she wasn't showing any indication of it. "I'm not a waiter," Julian pressed, "you can be a grump and ignore me all you want, but you're gonna eat." He watched as Sam weighed her options and eventually pulled herself to her feet. Anything was easier than fighting the guy who was more stubborn than Brooke.

She had to admit, somehow he'd pegged the exact meal that had been on her mind. Slicing free a forkful of French toast, she quickly stuffed her mouth. But not noticing the waves of heat rising from it, Sam instantly regretted this as a searing pain ripped through her mouth and she desperately reached for juice. "Careful," Julian caught on, "it's hot." That was just like adults, waiting to warn you until after you'd already been burned. She glared at him and took a more cautious bite this time. The more she filled her mouth, the less she'd be able to talk to Julian.

But Julian wasn't giving up; apparently he'd assumed the role of Brooke Davis today. "So…" he led in, "better than the usual service?"

"I thought I didn't have to say anything to you," she challenged. But he just stared back at her, trying to comprehend why her demeanor was teeter-tottering. "They're fine," she gave in a moment later. "Can you just…" she sighed, "explain to me why guys are such _assholes?!_"

Julian hadn't be expecting that. "Um…"

"Geez, Jack is such a hypocrite. He's supposed to be my best friend. Who the hell just walks away!? Who does that? I wouldn't have if it were him."

For a moment, her last words rang out. "I was wondering what was pent up in that head of yours." She shot him a look, as if this didn't help her at all, and refocused on the glass of orange juice sitting next to her meal. Sam swirled the tropical liquid around in the glass, staring deep into her orange juice as if she were looking at a magic 8 ball. Julian laughed. "You're not going to find your answer in there."

"Then where is it?" Sam asked, "Because there sure isn't one in my head."

"Give him some time, Sam," Julian told her, "Guys do stuff and don't think about how it's going to affect the girl. That's why you guys are hitting us and bitching at us so much, it takes us a few tries to get it right."

Sam said nothing for a moment, and then smiled. "You don't suck at this advice thing as much as I thought."

***

."Tell me something, what is a brat like you doing here to see me? Guilt finally win over?"

Jack guessed he should have expected this. It's not like Xavier had ever been especially friendly to him, but why should Jack have assumed that being his brother would mean things would change?

"You ass," he scoffed into the phone. "You perverted, selfish, ass. She was mine, Xavier. My friend, my girl. You just couldn't accept that could you? You can't have her so you take away your soul so no-one can have her? What the hell kind of human are you? What the hell kind of _brother _are you?"

A mountain of questions.

No answers.

Jack, like Brooke, can no longer remember why he came. What had he expected to gain? He doesn't wait to hear Xavier's explanation; it's all going to be excuses or it'll be too gruesome for him to bear.

"Burn in hell," he growls into the phone, throws it at the window, their only barrier, and storms away.

He will never let anyone hurt Sam again.

Even though he already has.


	19. 18: Out of the Dark

**Disclaimer: **Oh One Tree Hill…I wish you were mine. Maybe someone will get you for me as a Christmas gift?

**Author's Note: **Before you read this chapter I'd like to say something. I'm really happy you guys like this story, but I'm angry because of a post I got today. First of all I made no "big deal" of posting on November 8th. The reason I told you guys that 11/8 was the last day of my season was so you knew that until then I'd have no time to update. There was no promise for a chapter at midnight on 11/9, so the fact that I got a review asking where the hell a chapter was and telling me to get a damn move on kind of pisses me off. Frankly, I have very little time as it is and I'm not just going to write a crap chapter because I actually care about this story. I would have replied to this poster privately, but they posted anonymously and I'm sorry but if you were trying to be funny it didn't come across that way. That being said, I worked really hard to bring this chapter to you because I did say that I would have a new one up soon. I appreciate that you guys have supported me even though I was very busy. No more 4 month breaks, promise. And this is the last Feb. 2009 chapter; it's mainly Sam/Jack. What do you want to see next chapter? I have an idea for a developing plotline, but I want input from you too!

Just a little tidbit to share, my band placed 1st in a National competition in Annapolis yesterday. Good way to close out the season, huh? I'm very proud of that I wanted to brag for a sec about it. Anyway, read on.

**Setting: **February 2009.

_I'm burned out and wasted  
I'm tired of pacing  
I'm busy erasing voices of the dead  
Everything changes  
And everyone's faceless  
I wanna replace this darkness in my head_

In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star  
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are  
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark  
Of the dark  
Help me out of the dark

**-Matt Hires**

If you chose not to acknowledge the hair and clothing difference, and that one was very pregnant, you would have been able to pluck the gang right out of their spot in history.

"Do me a favor and pass the syrup please?" Peyton asked. "I need these pancakes and I need them now."

"Oh jeez," Haley laughed, "getting a craving?"

"That's the only time I can keep anything down."

"Unlike Sam, who's eaten my entire fridge and then made me go food shopping three times in the past week for whatever random thing popped into her head to eat. And you know how much I hate shopping when it isn't for clothes." Brooke raised her eyes as she stopped talking only to see four pairs of wary eyes watching her. "What she asked, sounding somewhat irritated, "I know we're still all shocked about it but does that mean I don't get to bring it up in casual conversation?"

No one said anything right away, there really was no messing with Brooke.

"Of course you can sweetie," Peyton treaded gently, "but when you're still referring to a pregnancy as _it_ we have some concerns about whether _we_ should."

Brooke was at a loss for words, a real surprise considering who she was. She shrugged, "Sam's still shaky about the whole idea of having a baby. I'm still adjusting—well, I'm trying to."

Haley nodded. "We know. And you are…we're just afraid of going to far overboard." Then after another long silence which seemed to go on forever she pressed on. "How is she?"

A string of adjectives fell together. "Reserved. Tired. Anxious." Brooke paused for a minute, searching her mind for the right word. "Strong." Her lips pursed together as she seemed held back about what she wanted to say. Finally, she settled upon, "Jack didn't exactly react to the baby the way she told us he did."

Nathan and Lucas both went wide-eyed. "Did he hurt her?" the elder asked.

"Do we have a teenage boy to kill?"

"Yes and _no_," Brooke replied pointedly, although she did appreciate their enthusiastic efforts towards protecting Sam. "He walked away; I don't know what possessed him to do that but he left her standing there alone. She was a wreck last night. I mean she's had enough people leave her…"

"How is everything?"

An intruding voice loomed over the table, cutting Brooke off in the middle of her sentence. She glanced up to see Abby and had to resist the urge to groan. It wasn't intended, but Abby had offended her by just being in their presence. She resented the question because although Abby had been referring to their meal, Brooke had heard it in a different way. It took everything in her not to snap at the unsuspecting waitress.

_Everything would be better if you hadn't abandoned Sam._

So Brooke, of course, took the mature route and said nothing. When Nathan realized that she wouldn't be contributing to the conversation he spoke up. "It's very good thanks, can I just have another glass of water?"

She nodded, turning on a heel and disappearing. "Thank you—" Brooke mumbled. "She gets to me."

"She gets to all of us," Peyton agreed. "Sam's one of us now. None of us are comfortable with this constant reminder of her past walking around and making her situation more—" she stopped as Abby came back and placed the water on the table. "…awkward," Peyton finished when she finally walked away.

"You need us to take care of her?" Lucas asked, half-kidding.

Brooke somewhat smiled at the joke. "Thanks. But the last time someone got taken care of Sam ended up pregnant. Isn't there enough drama in Tree Hill?"

***

_"Okay, it's definitely two eggs and a cup of sugar."_

_ "No way, you idiot. Three eggs and a cup and a half of sugar…ow!"_

_ Jack was thrown backwards by a slap across the face, a white blotch of a handprint streaked across his teeth. Sam pulled her hands away and covered her mouth giggling. She wasn't sorry she'd hit him, but she had to laugh at the mark that'd been left behind by her antics._

_ "Way to go; now you've got a beard." Jack pointed to her chin. Sam felt at it and laughed. "Ho ho ho," Jack bellowed. She nearly tackled him. "Well it is almost Christmas!"_

_ They'd been at this for an hour now. Her foster parents had gone on some haphazard shopping occasion before, obviously in one of their rare good moods, and left the house alone to the two teenagers. Jenna was off with a couple friends she'd made down the block, leaving Sam the perfect opportunity to take advantage of her absence. With her birthday being the following day, she and Jack had decided to try making a birthday cake from scratch. But there was a problem: the cookbook had been misplaced and even though they'd cooked at one house or another before to pass the time, neither could remember the simple recipe to baking a cake. _

_ Sam took another handful of flour and stuffed it in Jack's hair. She loved that this family didn't beat on her, and was taking full advantage of the fact that they would come home, see the mess, and beat up on her. _

_ "I'm gonna kill you," he kidded, watching her as she flashed him an award-winning smile._

_ "I'd kick your ass before you even had a chance to try she mocked him," and then grabbed at the container of chocolate frosting that was sitting on the counter. Her finger drew a line in the smooth silky chocolate and she trust it into her mouth. _

_ Jack pretended to be repulsed, "Freak. How can you just sit there and eat all that frosting?"_

_ "I could eat this stuff by the can at any time…it's not disgusting!" She took another pinch of flour and blew it in his face. He ignored her, cracking the third egg and dumping letting the yolk plummet into the metal bowl. "Jack that's too many!"_

_ "Pff," he scoffed, "I know what I'm doing."_

_ "Yeah," Sam muttered, "poisoning my sister." She was sure he was adding too much and too little of what was necessary but as she was went to yell at him she was abruptly silenced. In trying to prove his knowledge, Jack failed to notice that he'd turned the mixer on 2 notches too high. "Jack!!" Sam ducked to avoid the cake batter the began to splatter all over the kitchen. A second later Jack was lying beside her._

_ She broke into laughed._

_ "You really are an idiot aren't you?"_

_ "Hey!" he said, but there was no point because Sam was so far gone into laughter that there wasn't any coming back. "Ughh.." he muttered, defeated by his own ego._

_ "What are we going to do about Jenna's birthday now?" Sam asked a little more seriously. "I can't exactly tell her to lick it off the counter and cabinets, although I'd pay to see that."_

_ "Next year we'll make her a real cake. I promise." Jack looked to Sam to see she was still smiling as she scooped another clump of chocolate frosting from the can. She giggled a little, offering him the container to scoop out his own helping. He sighed, "Well at least something good came out of all this."_

_***_

_In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star  
In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are  
Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark  
Of the dark_

A quiet tapping on her window drew Sam from her music coma.

Her eyes fluttered open and focused on the glass, the blurriness of sleep quickly fading away only to be replaced by the sight of Jack.

She stared, aghast, at him. If she turned away and ignored him like he had her, Jack would probably keep tapping. There was always the possibility that Brook would come home and find him, but it wasn't looking likely. And where was Julian? It seemed like he only butt into her business when she didn't want him around.

So she rose slowly, crossing to the window and raising it just enough so she'd be able to hear his voice. "You have five minutes." The resistance in her voice was clear.

Jack bit his lip.

"I could kill my brother."

She'd expected excuses, some pathetic attempt to explain why he left. Sam was used to people trying to defend their own mistakes and paying to attention to the repercussions that had affect other people.

Tracing her finger across the edge of the window sill, Sam tried not to be sucked in. _He walked away,_ she reminded herself, _don't forget that._

"Xavier used to take the things my parents got me for Christmas. Whatever he wanted her took. It didn't matter if I wanted my dinner, sometimes he would make two helpings and eat them both before I was even home. He got control over me and got to do whatever he wanted to me once my parents were gone."

This was a one-sided conversation. Sam bit down on her teeth to keep from reciprocating.

But, only by half an inch, she raised the window.

"I was an ass," he admitted. "I wasn't thinking about you when I left yesterday."

Without hesitation, Sam pushed the window a little higher.

"I let Xavier control you too. I shouldn't have left for help the day of…And now you're pregnant. I don't know what to do about that Sam. I'm not very good at apologies. I'd rather be doing just about anything else right now."

The brute honesty earned him another few inches. Sam had to admit she didn't care for apologies either, if she was in Jack's situation she probably would have gotten up and left by now. She didn't know how to answer the things he said.

Her eyes were boring a hole into the window sill. Really, she was just looking for a way to avoid Jack's eyes to which Sam always fell prey. A can of chocolate frosting was pushed into her view and she gulped as the memory rushed back into her mind.

_"I could eat this stuff by the can at any time…it's not disgusting!"_

The window was halfway up now, enough space for Jack to grab one of her hands. She shook her head as if this was going to stop him from getting to her, but she was a fly caught in Jack's spider web weaved so perfectly.

"I could be a pretty kick ass uncle," he offered shyly, "if you wanted me to."

Sam grasped the window and thrust it higher. Two thirds of the way open.

"I know some really good baby names. Florence. Herbert. Or maybe Irma? I guess it depends on if it's a boy or a girl." Sam didn't seem to have the strength to answer him. So she played baby doll to his parenting arms, soothed by the way he took charge and pushed the window as high as it could go so there would be enough room to climb in. This was a Jack she wasn't accustomed to, a warm side that there's been glimpse of but never a full view.

Wiping the tears that had fallen, she took a spoon and plunged it into the chocolate frosting as Jack rattled off a list of baby names. "Zelda," he ventured, "Clarence." Sam swirled the chocolate around and the shoved the spoon into her mouth. "Mabel."

She leaned forward and without any subtly kissed Jack square on the lips.

He wasn't fazed. "Archibald. Bertha."

Another scoop of chocolate.

"Jasper."

She was sure she'd never tasted anything so sweet.

_ "Come on, come on."_

_ She began fishing through a drawer in the darkness, her hand tripping over spoons and forks but not landing upon a whisk. Sam groaned and pushed the drawer shut again, thankful that the sun had set hours ago and there was no one to see her weakness._

_ If Brooke walked through those doors right now it would not be pretty. She was already slowly conceding to Brooke's motherly ways. But she hadn't talked about her past life, about Jenna. That would be a long conversation she really wasn't ready to get into._

_ Calmly, she inhaled. Exhaled. Inhaled. Exhaled. Jenna was the only one who'd every managed to get her heart racing to this point. Her little sister harnessed powers like no one else._

_ She remembered the time Jenna had caught her sneaking around for her birthday presents weeks early. It'd been held over her head for weeks, the bait she used whenever she wanted something done for her. There was a night they'd been playing man hunt with the kids their neighborhood and her sister had been so quiet, hiding under one of the parked cars and practically disappearing from reality. It'd taken Sam hours to find her. And of course there was the afternoon Sam came home from school to find Jenna sitting on her bed, hysterical._

_ That one stuck out._

_ Sam was so engrossed in her misery that she didn't notice the large shadow standing on the other side of the glass doors that led to the backyard. A knock sent her a foot in the air. _

_ "What the hell?" she cursed, ducking under the counter and waiting for whoever was there to leave. It wouldn't be Brooke, because who would knock before coming into their own house? And she doubted it was that strange man Brooke had a strange sexual attention to…Julian, she thought his name was. _

_ But when the knocking continued and then a resounding voice parted the silence. "Sam?"_

_ Recognizing the voice, she quickly got to her feet. As Sam reached the door, the shadow became a face. She opened the door long enough to yank Jack inside and then slammed it shut. "Hey," he said with the normal charm. But it wasn't met with open arms as she elbowed him in the side. "What?!"_

_ "Jack Daniels what the hell are you doing knocking on my back door at ten o' clock at night? What if Brooke had heard you?"_

_ "You just said earlier when we were texting that she wasn't home."_

_ "Well you scared the hell out of me!"_

_ "Sorry…" he shrugged it off, heading for the table and grabbing himself a chair. "Wimp."_

_ Sam rolled her eyes, it was just like Jack to invite himself into a home that wasn't his. She admired that in a way, being able to slip into someone else's skin. She was still haven't trouble adapting to the lifestyle of Brooke Davis and all that came with it, while Jack would have soaked up the benefits he reaped without a second thought._

_ The flour, eggs, and sugar were still sitting out on the counter, ingredients for a cake not happening. Seeing this, Sam began to clean it up. "What was that for?" Jack piped up, noticing the remnants of her failure._

_ Her cheeks flushed cherry red but were shielded by darkness. "It's December 10__th__."_

_ "Oh."_

_ One syllable had the connotation for so much emotion. Sam was sure as she pulled open the refrigerator to slide the eggs back inside the line of light that splashed over Jack's face highlighted the sadness in his eyes. _

_ "I wanted to make a cake," she admitted solemnly. "I couldn't do it." _

_ She walked over to Jack, her whole body beginning to collapse upon itself with sudden exhaustion. Even in the darkness she could find his eyes and she stared at them if nothing other than for something to focus on. "I'm tired," she sighed, tears creeping in the corners of her eyes. _

_ Sitting across from him, Sam awkwardly folded herself into his arms. Jack let out a short breath at the unexpected pressure of her hug and she recoiled. "What?" she asked incredulously. _

_ It was now that she realized why his eyes had been so sad. Jack hung his head, picking and choosing his shameful words. "Xavier was beating the crap out of me again. I didn't want to play human punching bag." The blood boiling to bruises under his skin, Jack swallowed. "Your room?"_

_ She nodded and they went together to her room. In keeping the mood, she left the light off. They made no noise as she traded her jeans for pajamas and he stripped his shirt, both slipping into opposite sides of the bed. The room left between them could have fit a car. _

_ "Brooke will kill me if she finds out."_

_ He nodded. "Thanks."_

_ It wasn't the most normal thing in the world, but Sam rolled over and tried not to notice the rustling beside her. She pretended not to flinch when they ended up close enough that her hand brushed his arm. With slow breath, Sam forced herself to drift off to sleep. _

_ Inhale. Exhale. Inhale Exhale._

_Help me out of the dark_


	20. 19: Never Look Back

**Disclaimer: **I'm still waiting, but no one has left the rights to OTH on my doorstep yet…

**Author's Note: **One week? It's only been one week and I have a new chapter for you! Aren't you proud? I was visited by a muse I guess. That's really all I've got to say so it's time to read! Oh and to my anonymous reviewer: sorry, I couldn't read the sarcasm, I'm not really good with it through text because I can never tell. Thanks for letting me know you were kidding and for your kind words for my last chapter.

**Setting:** May 2009

_We become who we are when we fall apart,  
So don't you want to..  
Start a new day, let yourself go,  
'Cause your head seems to know this is right,  
But your heart isn't sure._

And crash like a wave,  
'Cause a wave needs to crash.  
Don't be afraid, just get on the train,  
Take your ride off the tracks,  
And never look back.

**- Zack Berkman**

The first letter came in the mall a month before Peyton's wedding. Ironically, it had sat on top of a stack of mail Sam handed to her one day after school. The teenager, of course, had been too absorbed in her own life to notice; Brooke was grateful for that.

_I am writing in hopes of locating a child I gave up. It has been a long time and I have very little information except that you may be of help to me. Please reply as soon as possible._

There was nothing more than that. Brooke had sat that night at the kitchen table, contemplating what –or even _if _she would tell Sam. Letting her emotions get the better of her, she held the corner of the letter over a nearby candle. The flame danced, engulfing the paper in bright orange light and beginning to erase any trace of this woman's existence.

As soon as her mind came back into focus, she quickly realized her mistake and pulled the paper free. Brooke softly blew against the flames, stopping them in their tracks. What had been burned fell away to the table in scattered ashes.

"What's burning? Sam had asked sleepily, startling her.

Luckily for Brooke, she never came past the doorway. "Nothing sweetie, go back to sleep."

Like a phantom, Sam vanished back into her room. Brooke stared at the scorched paper, a message now silenced. Things such had a habit of crashing down on her at an alarming rate.

Brooke sighed.

She didn't reply to the letter.

***

**1 Month Later**

Time was relative. 6 months. 3 months. 2 weeks. 8 days. Without labels assigned to these numbers that was all they were. Numbers. Floating around in space and looking for something to cling to. Six months she'd been pregnant. Three months until her due date. Two weeks she'd lied awake staring at the ceiling and thinking about the future. Four days since she'd refused to go to school.

At five months Sam had notice the break in her waist line. Until then, she'd considered herself lucky that the pregnancy gods had blessed her with a flat stomach. She was almost convinced that maybe there'd been a mistake. And then one day, it was suddenly there.

A bump.

Baggy clothes hid her stomach from the school for three weeks, but the eyes of the student body eventually found their ways past the layers of clothing.

_"Geez Sam, what are you trying to hide? A baby or something?," Nick, the class clown, had teased one day during Haley's English class of all times. What Sam hadn't realized was that he'd only been kidding. She'd placed one hand over her abdomen and begun to flash the color of red. _

_ Haley had looked up from her desk in time to see Sam bolt._

_ Of course, by then everyone had figured out that a baby had been exactly what Sam was trying to hide._

_ A few minutes later Haley had found Sam huddled in the corner of the school library, the last place anyone in the school would ever look. "Samantha," she'd called, treading gently past the giant shelves that were serving as guards, blocking Sam from anyone's view. Sam had had her knees pulled close to her, her eyes red and raw from crying. _

_ "Everybody will know now," Sam mumbled. "I'm going to be a laughing stock."_

_ Taking a deep breath, Haley had taken a seat next to Sam. "Tell me something," she'd begun with somewhat hesitation, not really sure how to get her words across. "When have you ever cared what anyone else had to think?"_

_ Sam had thought the question was rhetorical but minutes passed and Haley appeared to be expecting an actual answer. "I care what Brooke thinks. And Julian." She'd paused only slightly to gaze up at Haley, shrugging. "I care what you think." Sam scanned the library as she waited for Haley to reply, all the books in the world couldn't tell her how to handle this situation. "Weren't you embarrassed?"_

_ "I'd be lying to you if I said no," Haley admitted. "But—"_

_ "But?" Sam interceded. "I'm not like you, Haley. I can't just ignore everything they say. I don't care what they think of me, but I can't just sit there and listen to people whisper gossip about me and this baby. You went to school here too, you know people are jerks. Why should I have to suffer?"_

_ Haley, bested by what Sam had to say, had just sat there in silence. _

_ "You shouldn't," she'd agreed finally. "Nobody should. But you're here now. So what are you going to do about it?"_

Haley, being the endless supplement of optimism she was, had of course wanted Sam to stick it out. But Sam had run in the opposite direction and called Brooke immediately. She'd managed to convince Brooke day by day that it'd suit her better not to return to school. She'd screamed, cried, done whatever was necessary to get her way. It was kind of fun playing the tantrum-prone 4-year-old again as Brooke catered to her every whim.

But now, four days later, Haley was knocking on her door. Brooke was out getting Peyton ready for the wedding. "Shit," Sam muttered aloud. She hadn't dealt with Haley since that day in the library. She didn't want to.

She had no choice though.

Murmuring self-reassurances, she pulled the door open. "I was beginning to think I would have to break in," Haley kidded, attempting to lighten the mood. But Sam just stood there unfazed. "Brooke called me."

Haley stepped past Sam and made her way into the house. Sam lingered a minute before closing the door, coming to the conclusion that trying to run away from this conversation would prove pointless considering the her growing stomach.

"So she recruited you to come yell at me?"

"What? No. Sam—" Haley's voice faded as she saw the anxiety lying past the rings of emerald in Sam's eyes. "What did you think I was here to do? Drag you back to school kicking and screaming?"

Sam tilted her head to the side, as if weighing the right way to answer this question. "Whatever worked."

Running her fingers down her wavy locks of hair, Haley let out a sigh. "Don't you know me a little better than that? I'm here to tutor you," she explained. It was then that Sam noticed she'd come along with her teaching stuff. Although she was somewhat relieved, Sam was still preparing herself for the big lecture. "If you're going to be out, Brooke wants me to keep you caught up. So let's get to work."

"Now?" Sam asked with a hint of displeasure.

Haley pretended to survey the room. "Well you don't look very busy." Sam sighed, defeated. "That's what I thought. Why don't you go get your books?"

She had to smile as Sam trudged away. As much as the girl could be a thorn in her side, she loved Sam dearly and was proud of the change that reflected in her time with Brooke. Haley slung her bag of school notes onto Brooke's counter, but failed to notice the pile of mail that'd been resting on the corner until it was already slowly floating to the floor in mismatched pieces.

Groaning, Haley leaned down to gather the papers back together. Although she hadn't been intending to, her eyes got caught on one of the open letters. The ink on the paper was flowing into words that really seemed to be leading somewhere.

"Oh my god," Haley whispered aloud. The good in her was screaming to stop and put it out of sight but certain words just seemed to pull her in.

_I know that you think you are entitled to have her, but she is my baby too. I'm not asking for much, I'd just like to talk to her. Please consider meeting with me to talk this over. I will do anything for another shot to know my daughter. _

It ended there.

The page was stained with tears; Haley wondered if these were from Abby or from Brooke.

Sam obviously didn't know about this.

She stuffed the letter back into the pile as she picked up the sound of Sam's footsteps. "Haley?" the teenager called. Quickly, Haley got to her feet, but Sam instantly picked up on the change in demeanor. "What were you doing?"

"I uh—" she stammered. This wasn't good for a person who always had the right words. "I knocked some stuff off the counter. Come on," she continued, leading Sam away before she could get a grasp on suspicion, "let's get started. You've missed a lot in the past 4 days."

"Inside and outside of the classroom?" Sam inquired, a subtle reference to her absence. "What's the gossip spreading about me at good old Tree Hill High?"

It was clear that although Sam tried to play off her query as curiosity she was secretly worried about what was going from ear to ear at the high school. "I'm not here to make your day worse."

"So you're here to make my day better?" Sam rebuked. "I've already prepared myself for anything and everything . Stop protecting me."

There was so much more to protect Sam from than the snarky comments made by the adolescents Haley taught daily. The colorful tales weaved by teenagers would have made a great soap opera. She hadn't been thrilled when Sam decided hide from the public eye, but part of her understood. "I don't know much," she confessed and Sam looked up with somewhat astonishment that Haley had actually given in. "I've heard you called some names. I've heard stories about how you got pregnant and what you're going to do with the baby. They're just ugly rumors Sam, and I can tell you that there are a few good people trying to dispel them. Remember Hannah?"

Sam perked up. "Really?"

"Yeah. She hasn't uttered a bad word in your name. Whatever happened between you two a few months ago wasn't enough to sever your friendship. There are a few others too. And then there's Jack—" Haley winked. "If you ever question your knight in shining armor…"

Haley left it there for Sam to process as she wished.

"Now as far as _In Cold Blood _goes," she began when Sam didn't reply. "There's going to an assignment due next week. It was supposed to be a partner project but I guess—"

"Haley," Sam said suddenly. "Thanks," she swallowed, "for letting me know what I'm up against. In case I come back."

Haley raised an eyebrow. "You might come back?" Sam nodded slowly. "Voluntarily?"

"I haven't decided yet. Is that okay?"

"Absolutely."

A sudden relief gave way and Sam gained back a sense of composure. Haley seemed to be waiting before she continued with the lesson. "So Dick and Perry had it planned, huh?" Sam asked, falling back into step. "That's pretty crazy…"

***

"This is crazy!"

Brooke had to smother a grin as Peyton rushed down the aisle of their wedding site; the aisle which, 24 hours from now, she was supposed to be being ushered down in a much different manner.

"P. Sawyer, last I checked weren't you supposed to be taking it easy?"

"That was the idea," Julian agreed, coming up at her side with a steaming cup of coffee which Brooke received with a grateful smile. "But hey, a sky-high blood pressure is almost the same thing, right?"

Peyton hardly noticed Julian's comments; she was too busy going one hundred miles and hour. Unfortunately, the way Brooke saw it Peyton was like a hamster on an exercise wheel, no matter how fast she ran she really wasn't getting anywhere. Brooke could understand her apprehension, but sometimes dealing with Peyton was about as easy as dealing with Sam.

Selective hearing, it seemed, was one of the main problems.

"I need to go pick up the dress, Karen should be getting here today with Lily," the endless trail of tasks flew over Brooke and Julian's head as Peyton's voice sped up to an abnormal.

"Okay," Brooke intervened, snatching the list from Peyton's hand and settling her into one of the metal guest chairs. "You need to calm down. I know you are a bride on overdrive, but you need to remember that this kid can't afford an extremely stressed Peyton."

Julian patted at her stomach suggestively, grinning from ear to ear. "Yeah, let the baby rest for the last eight days you've got left."

The way Peyton looked at Julian it was lucky Brooke had her eyes glued to the pre-wedding list.

"We'll take care of everything, Peyt," Brooke promised her. "I'll go call the bridal store to triple-check on your dress. Julian will call Lucas to make sure he's at the airport with Karen. Just take a deep breath and soon enough it'll be tomorrow."

"Thanks," Peyton watched Brooke disappear towards her car. She held her gaze on Julian for a long time, trying to see the man she loved, but the only thing she could see now is the person Brooke had made him. Brooke had that effect on people. "Looks like she's everyone's mother today, huh?"

Julian nodded slowly and whipped out his phone, pretending it wasn't so awkward without Brooke in the picture.

***

She curled up under the covers and pressed number 2 on her speed dial. Second only to Brooke.

No sooner had she pressed the phone to her ear than did he reply.

"Can't a guy get some sleep?"

Sam wasn't fooled by Jack's fake anger. "You're a terrible actor."

"Yeah I am," he agreed, "but I'm still the best kisser you know. And you can't argue with me."

"Mm," Sam played along. "Too bad it's Peyton and Lucas getting married tomorrow. I guess we'll have to make out at the reception anyway. Nobody will notice if we happen to disappear for a few minutes right?"

They fell into playful chatter for what felt like an hour. Sam stared out her window and wondered what Jack was doing only 15 minutes away while he talked to her. She was so at ease while talking to him, the calmest she'd been in the past few months. At first Sam had questioned her choice to tell Jack, not sure whether he could really hold up in the weathering storm they were facing.

But she'd been surprised. For the next few weeks he'd carried her books around like a gentleman. He'd waited on her hand and foot. He'd continued to make fun of her as if there was never a baby.

That's what Sam loved most; Jack made a molehill out of a mountain.

Brooke respected her relationship with him. She quietly stepped out of the way when he was around and then pounced on her for the details as soon as he was out of the door. She seemed satisfied with Jack, a complete turnaround from when they'd first been introduced as he was hopping out Sam's window.

And while Jack didn't bring up the baby all that often, neither did Sam. Remembering Haley's comment from earlier, Sam hesitantly spoke up when a silence drew out. "So I heard something today. About you."

"About how awesome I am?" The ego continued to work it's magic.

Sam laughed and began to bury herself under a fuzzy comforter again. "Kind of. Haley told me that you've been sticking up for me at school. She insinuated that you were kind of like my knight and shining armor."

"She said that?" Sam heard the worry in his voice. "I know you wanted to know what was going on with everyone. But people were being real assholes and no one gets to be like that about you. So I tell them off and usually they shut up after that. It's no big deal."

"Jack," she said to make him realize he'd done nothing wrong. "I'm really glad I have you."

There was the slightest hint of him smiling, Sam could feel it. She smiled too, because for once it felt like something was working out right. "I am pretty amazing, aren't I. What's that you were saying about knight and shining armor…?"

***

She wasn't sure whether it was a good idea to say it over the phone.

"You're going to be mad at me for what I have to say."

Brooke was half-asleep and it took a moment to register that the person on the other end of the line was Haley. She sat up in bed and clicked off the television. "And why might that be?" Haley didn't answer so Brooke tried to draw her own conclusions. "Did something happen with Sam?"

"No. But I'm scared that something might."

"You're being awfully vague, Haley," Brooke said, judging the situation as best she could. "And to be honest, it's starting to scare me."

Like a band-aid, quick and easy. No pain. Haley blurted out the words before she could think about it sensibly. "I saw the letter from Sam's mom when I was there today. I know I shouldn't have seen it, but I accidentally knocked everything off the counter and when I tried to put it all back I…saw it."

For a second, Haley began to think Brooke had hung up on her. When Brooke finally gained control of her voice though, she was sorry she hadn't. "Haley James Scott, you are the last person I'd expect to be snooping around my house."

"Brooke, I wasn't. I told you, I knocked over your mail. It's not like I was looking for or even expecting to find anything!" She gave Brooke a chance for rebuttal, but when there was none decided to continue. "Look, I know that I wasn't right in the situation, but neither are you if you haven't told Sam. She deserves to know."

"Don't you think I know that Haley?" Brooke shrieked in return until she remembered Sam was only a few rooms away. "Don't you think that's one of the things that's gone through my head every night for the past month?"

As soon as the words are out, Brooke realizes her mistake in stating the timeframe. But it's like going down a one way street and then noticing it's too late to turn around, so she kept on driving.

Haley didn't mean to attack her friend, but she couldn't help it. '"A month, Brooke? What about Sam?"

"What about Sam, Haley? What about her? That woman didn't give a damn about Sam for the last 15 years. She didn't watch as her daughter lost everything in life that ever mattered. I'm not quite ready to let some woman walk right back into _my_ daughter's life just so she can get hurt again. I won't do that to Sam. Maybe you can't understand that as my friend, but as a mother I thought you'd be on my side."

There were several things for Haley to process now. Brooke had referred to Sam as hers. She'd made some pretty reasonable arguments. Haley gathered her thoughts together, ready to offer more unwarranted advice, but she was unable to get the words across.

By the click and dial tone, Haley was sure this time that Brooke had hung up.

***

She waited until Lucas fell asleep to call.

Huddled into their laundry room, probably more cramped than was safe, she held the phone in one hand. She knew the number by heart, it had carved itself into her mind long ago, but it had been a long time since her fingers had taken the familiar path. What would Lucas say to her midnight call? Probably nothing positive.

There was one empty ring. A second. A third. A fourth. Peyton was almost sure the only response she was going to receive was a voicemail. But at the last minute his groggy tone was loud in her ear. "Hello?"

"Julian?" she asked, her voice breaking the second his name had left her tongue.

Peyton heard the rustling of sheets, a door swing shut followed by another. "Okay," he murmured in a low voice once a few moments passed. "I didn't want to wake Brooke up." His voice was shaky with the awkwardness of a teenager asking a girl on their first date. "Are you…okay?"

She covered her mouth so nothing could escape. Once Peyton caught her breath she remembered that he was still there, patiently waiting for her like he always had. "I'm sorry. I was just…I'm so scared."

There was an obvious lapse in time where the only trace of the other's existence was the labored breathing. Julian was confused, but he was trying so hard. "You're scared of getting married?"

Peyton rested her head against the cold metal of their washer. "The baby, Julian."

"You're scared of having the ba—" he didn't finish. Everything clicked into place and the cogs began to turn. He realized why she has called him all along. He'd patted her stomach today, he'd looked at her with a genuine smile and mentioned that on top of everything else there was to worry about her due date was eight days away. In making a sever effort to be supportive, he'd scared the hell out of her. "Peyton, I didn't mean to—I wasn't trying to scare you. It's not going to happen again."

"But what if it _does_?" Peyton asked this so strongly. Julian could tell that she just wanted reassurance that it wouldn't. But he doesn't know that; after all, he's the one who thought Ella would pull through.

Julian knew that she didn't want to appear vulnerable and weak, but Peyton was a very layered person. She'd been holding this for months and finally cracked.

"If I lose this baby, I don't think survive it. I couldn't say this to Lucas or to Brooke, so I had to call someone." Her hand ran over her stomach, the only protective shield for her baby. "I know there's nothing I can do to control it besides what I'm doing. But I'm just—I'm scared."

Comfort had never been his best thing when he was with Peyton. "Everything is going to be okay."

"Oh God. If something happens to me, Sam will never willingly have her child. And Lucas will be distraught."

"Peyton," Julian tried to break through her rambling. "It will be okay. Lightning never strikes twice in the same place, right?"

Peyton wiped her eyes and nodded, a gesture that Julian of course couldn't see. Nothing that he said would ever help her feel better completely. Using the washer as a support she pushed herself to her feet. "It's late," she mumbled, obviously working to keep the tears back, "Go back to Brooke. You're a good guy Julian."

And then she hung up.

Julian remained outside for the next few minutes, staring out into the street. There are no cars, but the crickets are beginning to serenade the few late night people who are still awake.

The lifeless image of Ella flashes in his mind. He thinks of Peyton. He thinks of Sam. _Lightning doesn't strike twice_ he tries to remind himself, one of the few trivial facts he can recover from high school science. But a nagging voice reminds him of what he hadn't said to Peyton.

_Well, almost never._

**So I just realized I'm really low on Sam/Brooke scenes. I've always been a fan of the Sam/Haley dynamic but that doesn't mean I'll forget my favorite mother daughter couple so don't worry! There will be a bunch coming up. There's lots of drama coming into play. Peyton and the baby. These letters. Sam's also trying to decide whether or not she should go back to school…maybe something may happen there? What do you guys think? Anything you'd like to see? Next chapter will have a lot of faces. Karen's here! What will she think of Sam? **

**One more question: boy or girl for Sam?**

**Until next time,**

**Megan : )**


	21. Interlude: World on Fire

I don't like doing author's notes so although this was not planned it fit in well right here as an interlude in the series. What you don't understand will be explained next chapter, don't worry. I'm sorry I haven't updated. It's a multitude of things; the next chapter is about halfway completed but I'm having issues with how it unravels and since I can't figure that out it's difficult to write. I'm not in a state of confidence with my abilities lately either so if I don't like what I write it doesn't get posted. I also will not sacrifice my school work to write this story. I appreciate the reviews especially those from people like Stephorlaze who constantly ask how I am. (Since your post is anonymous I can't reply anywhere but here). Please stop telling me to hurry up already to the others though. I'm trying.

Also, I broke my thumb skiing last week and until these bandages come off it's both painful and annoying to type so give me some leeway.

Enjoy:)

Hearts are worn in these dark ages  
You're not alone in this story's pages  
Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying  
And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in

The world's on fire and  
It's more than I can handle  
I'll tap into the water  
(I try to pull my ship)  
I try to bring more  
More than I can handle  
(Bring it to the table)  
Bring what I am able

**-Sarah McLachlan**

_ Every story I heard as a child began with 'once upon a time'._

_ These were worlds of princesses with long auburn hair who ruled the entire city. She was strong and confident had roomfuls of people who loved and adored her. Enough of these gooey sugarcoated stories once had me convinced that everyone was somehow destined to end up like a princess._

_ No where in this story did my parents foreshadow my painful loss of them, the foster home on top of foster home, or this would-be baby that's just waiting to make an appearance._

_ I wish they would have though, maybe I could have at least been more prepared._

_ Today has been eons, time winding around whatever it can grab hold of and standing still endlessly. What was in the beginning the only reason any of us saw to celebrate quickly stripped us of even a smile or a drizzle of hope. That'll teach any of us to be happy without anticipating the drop of the other shoe._

_ I'm scared. I'm so selfishly scared because she was so dignified and unwavering that I felt like I could follow in step. But if something like this can happen to her then maybe that's somehow a sign I'm destined to be the next domino to be knocked down._

_ The worst part is not knowing._

_ Even Julian on edge; but after the unveiling of some pretty painful events I can hardly say I'm surprised. They're all walking around like zombies and not speaking because if this possibility escapes their lips then it's there._

_ Right in front of us._

_ Right in front of me._

_ So we wait. I get shot a concerned glance every once in awhile but I hardly pay attention. I walk to the cafeteria and lose myself in a mess of people who are busy drowning in their own grief and hope and fear. By comparison, I'm only a fly on the wall, and after months of being front and center for everyone to watch and worry over it's a relief._

_ Do you want to know the truth? I've sat for the past week flipping through files with hopeful moms and dads to be. They live in places with playgrounds and good schools; they have enough money to give him or her the world. But will that ever be enough? Or will one day I wake up and regret the choice to willingly surrender someone so innocent to a cruel world._

_ Lightning can strike twice. With my luck it will._

_ I try not to worry about any of this but there's nothing to do but sit and think. That's when all of the bad begins to leak into your brain, when you're forced to wait. _

_ It really sucks not knowing._

_ The baby kicks four separate times as I stare out the cafeteria window where raindrops are drawing patterns on the glass. It looks like the whole world is crying. I run one hand over my stomach, silent consolation to this little person in hopes their introduction to the world won't be anything like what is happening right now._

_ Another kick. Like maybe it understands._

_ If only everything had such a simple solution_


	22. 20: Little Tornado

Disclaimer:

One Tree Hill & it's characters are not mine. Too bad for me.

**Author's Note: **Guess who's back? My thumb was officially healed a couple weeks ago, got my stupid hand cast off and everything and now typing is a sinch. I worked REALLY hard on this, I think you'll like it a lot. It's not proof read, I apologize in advance (I've recently toyed with writing in present tense elsewhere so sometimes that transfers here and I don't mean to.) Does anyone wanna be my beta reader? (Is that what it's called). I don't know how that works so if you do: awesome! Contact me:). I make no promises for my next chapter, I've been working a lot and I have stuff like PROM coming up. So when I have time and inspiration you will hear from me again. Until then, enjoy!!

By the way to anonymous authors that think by posting anonymously I'm not going to respond (not you as always Stephorlaze), I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't sacrifice school work to write and I don't post crap chapters. Honestly? Chill out. It's a story, I'm sorry if you think it's ridiculous to wait. I think it's ridiculous that you persistently bug me about this every time I take awhile to post. I'm proud of this chapter, some things have better value if you wait. I may sound rude, but I'm getting awfully tired of it.

**Setting: **May 2009 (prior to interlude)

_Litter tornado  
You and the hurricane  
Close your eyes and go campaign  
Make it go faster  
Baby go faster  
Make it go twice the speed of you and me  
Oh, no, no we don't  
No we don't know  
Little tornado blew out the window pane  
Left the inside to the rain_

**Aimee Mann**

Heads.

Tails.

Tails.

Heads.

Tails.

Blue. Pink. Cars. Dolls. Dirt and bugs. Ribbons and fairytales. Boy. Girl.

There was really no plausible reason that Sam had been sitting at her desk for an hour flipping a coin. Again, and then again, stacking odds on top of odds. Heads for boy, tails for girl. Ten to three odds and then thirteen to seventeen. She wasn't writing it down, just counting in her head. Even though the reason in her reminded her numerous times that these results were inconclusive, she weighed the idea of boy versus girl in her mind.

She could imagine a mini Jack running around, his curls protruding from his head in all directions like medusa. Or maybe someone like Julian; though Sam had no idea what he'd been like as a child she could guess. Then her mind floated to kids like Brooke, someone who probably played dress-up and had hair that took hours and hours to comb. Or maybe Haley? A little bookworm with reserve whose imagination was endless.

"Enough of this," she reminded herself out loud. "I'm not keeping this baby."

It hadn't been officially decided, but Sam liked to try to keep her mind set on this. This way, when the time came she wouldn't be so attached that it would take a crowbar to separate them.

She positioned the coin between her two thumbs to spin again anyway, but a knock on her bedroom door startled Sam and it went spinning off the edge of the desk.

Brooke stuck her head in the door. "Get out here," she commanded. "There's someone here I want you to meet."

Sam stood to obey, although not really in any mood for company. Brooke had told her all about Karen and her influence in Brooke's life; she figured she may as well meet the person who made her own mother such a…well, mother. But she stopped a few steps from the doorway. "Brooke."

"What?" Brooke turned back to her. "What's the problem?"

Looking down at her stomach, it was quite obvious.

Brooke placed a hand on her shoulder. "Have I ever told you that Karen was seventeen when she had Luke?"

Without another word, Sam followed Brooke into the living room.

* * *

"Jamie! If you don't get your little butt out of bed I'm throwing it out the window."

Upon hearing the warning, Jamie squirmed under his flannel sheets, burrowing deeper into his nest. Living under Sam's influence was certainly having a teenage effect on him, Haley realized. She trawled through the mess of basketball jerseys and toy cars until she reached his bed.

"Now where is that little blonde boy that used to live in this room?"

Her only response was a smothered giggle and the stirring of his bedspread. Haley collapsed onto the seven-year-old sized bump in the middle of the bed.

"Mama!" he cried through laughter as she began to tickle him. "That's not funny."

"I gave you a chance, now you have to face the wrath of the tickle monster!"

Nathan appeared in the doorway. "Hey, Things 1 and 2, thought you might need a reminder that we have a wedding to leave for in two hours."

"Got it Dad!" Jamie managed to fit the words in between the laughter as Haley didn't cease her goofing around. Nathan shook his head with a chuckle, taking a moment to watch Haley's joy before he left to find his tux.

After the conversation she'd had with Brooke last night (or lack thereof, really), she'd gone to bed in a somber mood, tossing and turning most of the night.

Now, she seemed to much lighter rolling around in Jamie's bed as he ducked for cover under the blankets, only to quickly be discovered.

He hoped the rest of the day would be this simple.

* * *

Biology could only explain so much. Brooke definitely had pieces of Karen in her, something Sam discovered in only three minutes of conversation with this mystery woman Brooke gushed about.

"It's really nice to finally get to know you, Sam," Karen said.

Sam so far had said little, usually looking to Brooke nervously as if she was afraid the wrong thing would come out and then Karen would think the worst of her. "Brooke told me that you're Lucas' mom."

"That's true."

An uncomfortable silence ensued for a few interminable minutes before Karen had the courage to say what Sam was avoiding.

"Brooke told me about your situation, Sam. I want you to know that I don't judge you."

"Yeah, right."

Sam really didn't mean to sound so skeptical, but the time spent with a cruel high school society had taught her to constantly be on her toes. She bit her lip, sending Karen an apologetic frown.

The silence came back.

"You know something," Karen finally said. "I was seventeen when I was pregnant with Lucas. I faced a lot of hostility from a lot of people. But no matter how much crap they put you through, the minute that baby is born and you hold it, you won't even remember any of the pain. Kids have a way of doing that to you."

Brooke, for the first time, perked up. "Oh Karen she's not keepi—"

But Sam, for whatever reason, cut her off. As she leaned forward, Brooke noticed an atypical light in her eyes. Was Sam…glowing? "What was he like? The first time you held him, I mean."

"I can't really explain it. You'll understand though, when it's your turn."

"Okay," Sam nodded. "Okay."

Karen began rummaging through her purse until she located what she wanted. Two 2 by 4's were handed to Sam. The first was a little older, but definitely reminiscent of a present-day Lucas with short stubby arms wrapped around a teddy bear. The second had a glossier finish, a tiny girl lying on her stomach and gazing at her. Lily, Sam decided. Brooke had told her about the little girl.

Astonished by her own awe over these pictures, Sam glanced to Brooke. "Do you think mine will be that beautiful?"

Brooke had to sidestep her shock to what Sam was saying. Had she been contemplating other choices for weeks now? What had caused this sudden change of heart?

"If it's any correlation with how beautiful her mother is, I think she'll be a heartbreaker."

Neither of them acknowledged Brooke's firm resolution of Sam's baby as a girl.

"Thank you Karen," Brooke said. "I don't think you really know how much you've just helped."

* * *

Julian found Jack swinging his legs from the counter in the diner around ten. He was an eye sore, outcasted by the tuxedo his foster parents had rented him for the occasion of being Sam's date.

He heard Jack mumbling to the waitress, only being able to comprehend his words as he took a step closer. "Yeah, she's really great. She's in here all the time: really long brown hair, takes coffee with her sugar –"

"Sounds like a great girl."

Halted dead in his tracks, Julian notices who Jack is conversing with.

Abby glanced up at him. "Good morning. Let me know if I can get anything for you."

"Thanks," he heard himself reply but wasn't aware he could even talk.

Abby. Talking to Jack. About Sam.

Thankfully, when Jack realized Julian was there it was enough to draw him away to the conversation. He offered Julian an affable smile. "Hey. You coming from Brooke's? How's Sam?"

"She's fine, they've got a visitor. I left to grab Brooke some coffee because I'd rather take perky overbearing Brooke than groggy unresponsive Brooke."

"Ha," Jack laughed, taking a sip of his soda. He remained unremittingly quiet, as was typical.

"Looking sharp," Julian gestured to his finely ironed suit. "You clean up well."

"Surprised huh? My foster mother was too."

Just when Julian was prepared to flag down anyone but, Abby came strolling out from the back. She wore a weary gaze, but it all but vanished when she noticed Julian. Julian had been in here with Sam before, while Abby had been behind the counter. He was suspicious about her transparent interest in Sam. Brooke had informed him about the letters. Did Abby know more than she was letting on? Did she know Sam was her daughter? Why else did this sudden interest develop?

Those letters couldn't have been a coincidence.

Abby set a plate of bacon and eggs in front of a drooling Jack. "Something for you hon?"

"Two coffees," he replied tersely, watching her grab the pot and head for the coffee machine.

Jack continued scarfing down his meal. "You know," he mumbled to Julian with a mouthful of eggs, "I hope I look good enough for Sam. She's been all hormonal lately and yells at me whenever I'm too dirty or too loud or too anything. You think I'll pass the test?"

"Don't worry, honey," Abby prompted, although the question had not been directed towards her. "You look great. If I had a daughter, you'd be my first pick as her date."

Julian almost dropped the coffee as it was handed to him and spent ten minutes after that awkward moment trying to convince himself that after her comment he hadn't seen Abby wink.

* * *

There was once upon a time a woman who lived down the street from Sam and her family. Sam didn't remember much about her except that she always had a dish of m&ms in her living room and that she'd been a good friend of her mother's.

One year when Sam was about six this friend had gotten married; by luck of the draw Sam had ended up flower girl. As a little girl still inclined towards princesses and fairy tales she'd been riveted by the lavender dress which billowed out in all directions. For hours on end Sam had spun in circles and let the tulle under the dress fly up at her sides. She was in awe by the magic of it all.

But what stuck out most was watching her mother pin her friend's hair back into a decorative bun which sat so perfectly on top of her head and seeing the wedding dress even prettier than her own.

Peyton's wedding, ironically, was the first she'd been to since then. Only the privileged children who 'belonged' that she'd known from various neighborhoods had the honor of attending weddings with their families. Weddings of aunts, uncles, cousins. Without any of these relatives to call her own she'd never had the chance before.

Now, adorned in a daffodil yellow knee-length style Brooke had picked out for her, (or rather forced, didn't she already stick out enough as it was?) Sam watched Brooke retrace steps Laura had once taken so long ago.

Haley traipsed in fifteen minutes later than she should have been. "For a guy who doesn't care what he puts on, Nathan sure took his time leaving. I'm sorry Peyt. Hi—" Peyton met her with a hug and smile. But it didn't go unnoticed to Sam that Brooke didn't even acknowledge Haley's presence. "Hey Sam, how's it going?"

Sam smiled politely and nodded so Haley could interpret for herself. She looked back at her cell phone again awaiting some kind of message from Jack, but the only thing she saw was her wallpaper.

"Waiting on your date?" Peyton caught eye of the phone. Sam looked up and nodded.

"Why don't you come over here and help us finish getting Peyton ready?" Haley suggested.

Brooke disregarded Haley completely, "don't push yourself. If you're tired just rest where you are," she said and then went back to hemming the bottom of Peyton's dress.

Sam's brow wrinkled in confusion. She had no clue why Brooke was suddenly being so cold towards Haley, especially because this was the most energy she'd had in days and Brooke knew it. "Actually," she changed the subject as her phone beeped in her pocket. "I'm going to find my knight. But I'll be back."

She wasn't even out the door before Peyton was addressing her friend's issues. "Okay, spill. What's going on?"

Brooke, queen of the skill, played dumb. "Nothing, P Sawyer, why would you think that?" Peyton looked to Haley for confirmation of Brooke's lies, but Haley wouldn't meet her eye, furthering Peyton's original theory. "This is about Sam, isn't it?"

Again, nothing.

"I've never seen you two so unwilling to speak to each other. Obviously something's going on and I'm going to assume it's about Sam since she's been the predominant worry lately." Four eyes watched her silently, daring to break the aura of happiness that was supposed to surround a wedding. Brooke casually continued to hem and Haley was fussing with Peyton's veil.

Sweeping it under the rug would only conceal this quandary for so long.

"You look…flawless," Brooke decided with finality, which Peyton realized was a tangent off their prior conversation.

Haley nodded, even let a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. "Astounding."

Well, at least they were in agreement on something.

Brooke seized the veil from Haley a little too forcefully and began gently placing it on Peyton's head. "There," she said when she was satisfied. "Perfect. Don't you agree, Haley?" Brooke pursed her lips and turned pointedly to Haley.

Peyton waited for what seemed like an eternity until Haley finally sighed resignedly.

"No one is going to ruin your special day."

* * *

"Close you mouth before you swallow a bee."

Jack couldn't help it. One sight of Sam coming towards him and he resembled that a cartoon character, with his law literally resting on the sidewalk.

"No white horse?" Sam asked, not leaving a break of time before she planted her lips against his, feeling the familiar shape of their mouths as they fell into a passionate kiss.

"I'll get one if it means you take _that_ up another notch. Stunning looks and a good kisser? It's all the things a guy wants Sam."

Sam tried to pass off Jack's with a blasé attitude, but secretly she was closeting an inner happiness. As the days progressed into weeks and her belly grew from cantaloupe to watermelon size, her own view of herself was of inverse relationship. Some days she woke up crying. Jack's raving of her day after day was a welcome source of relief. Although these accolades provided only false comfort, they lasted long enough to get her to that next downfall in her day.

They ended up together on bench adjacent to the church, his fingers laced through hers, staring up into the sky. It was a vacant wonderland of blue, one solitary stuck right in the center.

Sam focused on that cloud, soft and puffy. But she knew that a storm could be born of even the smallest wisp. A chill crept up her spine that took her moments to shake. Nothing would go wrong. Today would be great. Brooke would be great. She would be great. She reiterated this to herself.

"So…you don't look so bad yourself," Sam said finally. "I applaud your effort."

He smiled, she could tell he was proud of his success. "How's the bride doing?"

"Surprisingly calm actually. I can't say the same for my mom and Haley though; they weren't talking to each other when I left to come see you. It was like being choked by the silence."

"Ugh," he groaned, "that's dumb. I thought they were like, best friends. What's the big deal?"

"I don't know," Sam told him softly, toying with the fabric of her dress and leaning on Jack's shoulder. "I just hope it's not me."

* * *

She could be on America's Next Top Model if she wanted, not just dressing them. Julian wasn't expecting Brooke to appear, but he never turned that chance away.

"Hi boyfriend," Brooke greeted him, gently touching his cheek before they locked lips.

"Glad to see that coffee did the job. You look…radiant, Brooke."

"Don't sound so shocked," she kidded. Julian was so caught up in her eyes he almost forgot to ask about Peyton, whom he'd fretted over since the mysterious midnight phone call. "Oh she's great," Brooke waved his question away, "I guess she was just getting the jitters yesterday when we saw her."

Breathing easier, the irresistible smile made it's home on Julian's face. "So to what do I owe the perfectly calm moment in our hurricane of a day?"

"Well," Brooke begin to run her fingers lovingly down his tie, "Peyton wanted some time alone and Sam is with Jack so I thought I could have a little Julian time." The sun shone over her face, bathing Brooke in an exuberant light that only contributed to her splendor. "You know, while we're still in the eye of the storm."

"Definitely. Except, I thought I should tell you when I went to the diner this morning. Abby—"

"No!" she cut him off abruptly. "I don't want to hear it today. It's not about Abby today. It's about Peyton. So we're not going to talk about that right now. Okay?"

He sighed with reservation, the comment already forgotten. "Okay."

"Good. Now, about that Julian-time…"

* * *

By the time that Sam wandered back into Peyton's room, it had been cleared of everyone besides the bride. Peyton, who was folded quietly into a chair, sat twisting one golden curl around her finger. Sam was pretty sure she was still invisible.

"Hey," she said softly, just enough to announce her entrance.

Peyton jumped, spooked by the noise, but relaxed when she noticed who her visitor was. Her eyes brightened, "hey there. Sorry I didn't see you come in."

Sam nodded, taking a seat in the wooden chair pulled over for her by Peyton. "What are you doing?"

"Just thinking. Big day, you know."

"So I've heard."

Peyton grinned. "How was Jack?" Despite herself, a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "I figured. Teenage love is the best. Then suddenly you're getting married and expecting a baby…"

"You don't_ want _to get married?"

"Oh no, of course I do. But even so, it's a big step. It's a lot to think about. Especially because we have this little one coming soon which means postponing the honeymoon of course. Two newlyweds and a baby, that's going to be us—"

"Do you always ramble when you're nervous?"

Catching herself in the tumble of words, Peyton closed her mouth. She'd stepped on the treadmill and was being pulled forward at a rate so fast sometimes the thought of being flung into the wall and shattering scared her. There was only so fast something could move before colliding with _something._

While Peyton fussed with her dress anxiously, Sam continued to ponder her. Besides the baby bump, she looked delicate, like the dolls her mother had once collected. Beautiful porcelain figurines with carefully crafted faces that steadfastly watched her from the top shelf in the living room. Sam hadn't liked them, thinking at five that they were waiting for her to do something wrong so they could tell Mom. And Mom had always told her, Daniel, and Jenna not to touch them. They were fragile, she said. Being so young, the word flew over her head like a homerun baseball.

_Fragile_ was defined the day they were having an illegal pillow fight in the living room and Daniel's whacked against the shelf, knocking the doll on the end from her safe place.

Mom's harsh words to Daniel and their eventual punishment all blurred as she grew. The only thing Sam recollected in vivid picture was her awe in the way something so beautiful could be so broken in a split second.

"Brooke told me you've been interviewing with parents for the adoption," Peyton said when the silence became constricting for both of them.

Sam bit her lip. "Yeah." A cornucopia of emotions flooded over her, which Peyton noticed.

"Having second thoughts?"

"Possibly," Sam wavered. "I haven't decided." She held her breath. "I don't know how to tell Brooke, because I'm really not sure. Would she even want to raise it?"

Peyton's hand clapped down on her shoulders. "Brooke Davis and babies are like macaroni and cheese: they go together great and it gets all gushy and gross sometimes. I wouldn't worry."

Patting her stomach, Sam sighed. She meandered slowly to the window, where ironically Brooke and Julian were making out not so inconspicuously on one of the benches in a patch of shade. As if that cloaked them from all humanity "All right. I guess I should talk to her after the wedding. Thank you Peyton, I'm glad I came back in here."

She turned around to head out only to see Peyton standing there frozen.

"Peyton?"

Her eyes were wide, Sam realized, with fear. A speckle of red appeared on the floor. Sam blinked and it had multiplied. Was that...blood? Sam didn't have a second to get a grasp on the urgency of the situation before Peyton's eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted.

"Peyton!!" Sam screeched, her words reaching out and echoing throw the narrow church hallways. "Oh my god. Please wake up!" She almost fell to her knees before remembering her own baby. But Peyton was still lying in a pool of her own blood. "Brooke! Haley! Lucas! HELP!"

It took a minute for her breathe to catch up with her. Sam heard footsteps coming in the hall, worried voices. But she couldn't scream for help anymore, her eyes perpetually glued to Peyton.

The precious fragile doll, lying broken on the floor.


End file.
